don't get freaked out by the title this does not mean by any way that I'm ditching you, but I had to talk to you about something that's been weighing me down.
I'm sure this probably happens to everybody and surely in a much worse way than it happened to me, but today I said a rough goodbye to someone. That someone is my dog. She lives with my aunt and uncle, so I won't see her again before they put her down tomorrow. She is a beautiful dog, smart, kind and innocent, and she is so human; more human than a lot of other people I know. We named her Joy when we first got her, and the truth is she really did bring us all joy.
Lately, though, she hasn't been feeling too good, she was weak and old, and she was diagnosed with a tumor. She is not as full of joy as she once were. She can barely get up or wiggle that cute little tail of hers. I knew I had to see her before she was put down, and hence I went over and sat down with her for a while, hugged her, tried to ease her pain as much as I could, but I realized I have no healing powers in my hands, and after an hour or so I left her.
I thought that saying goodbye to her would be better than what had happened to me the last time I lost someone that was close to my heart. She was my nanny when I was just a tiny little thing, and she had diabetes for a long time before she had passed, but I didn't want to see her hurting so bad I guess, and so I put off seeing her for a long time, and then she passed away, and I was so full of shame and regret that I still haven't gotten over the fact that I should have at least paid her the respect she deserved and come and visit her.
My rule to myself in life is to never do something that I know I will not be proud of, and when I do something that I'm not entirely proud
of, to not regret it and look on the bright side of doing it. "You're gonna have to leave me now, I
This was the first time I actually really regretted know. I'll see you in the sky above, in
something that I've done, or rather haven't done, in the tall grass, in the ones I love.You're
and couldn't look past the guilt to the bright side of it. gonna make me lonesome when you go"
When I went to see Joy, my nanny's funeral kept popping
into my head and I thought that this was the right thing to do, but it didn't hurt any less. I didn't feel guilty, but I saw her in her misery and all I could wish was that there truly is a heaven, and that she gets to be the first in line to go through the gates of it.
I'm sorry for the rather sad post. I just really had to share you know?
On a brighter note...
Here's an outfit of the day from a while back.
The polka dotted cropped top is vintage from my mother's closet. The black high waisted jeggings I think were from Urban Outfitters, but I was gifted them so I don't know. The necklace again is from Michal Negrin. If you want the link to her site, I posted it a while ago so look in previous posts. The earrings are from H&M last year, and the shoes I wore are my Aldo black sandals that have been in basically every post.
Take care! Roni J.