Saturday, May 18, 2013

Looking For You Again

Hello girls,
how are you? I hope you're doing well.
There was a big party this week. It took place in a club I usually avoid, because in the two previous times I had visited it, my friends got really drunk, and I basically had to be their babysitter the entire night, which is anything but fun, especially when you don't get paid for it, and moreover when you pay quite a large amount of money to get in.
So this time my friends took it down a notch. Most of them didn't drink at all, and those who did, really took care of themselves. I've heard it once that you should drink to be happier, and not to be happy, and I completely agree with it. Because when you drink in order to boost your self esteem, you drink to be a slut, and drink to be happy, the only thing that happens is that you lose all control over the amount of alcohol you pour into your mouth, and end up with all the flaws that you've been trying to hide by drinking, out like all of your dirty laundry. Anyways this isn't a post about my opinions of drinking and alcohol, so I'll go on.
The thing is that when my friends don't drink I find myself having way more fun instead of worrying about them all the time. My dad even noticed it. When he asked me how the party was the next day, and I answered I had a lot of fun, he immediately said "this can mean either one of two things. Either you got drunk, or nobody else got drunk". What can I say? My dad just knows me far too well.
The club we went to is a huge building, and when you walk in there's a room downstairs playing house music, and when you go upstairs it's mostly hip hop and rap music, which our groups of friends prefers in general. So we went upstairs.
My good good friend that we'll call Tiny met up with her boyfriend, whom we'll name Tony, and we didn't want to lose her in the huge club so our group stayed quite close to Tony's group of friends. Big Guy, if you remember him from the past, is in Tony's group of friends, so while dancing we were always close to him.
Me, when I dance, I really don't give much of a crap who sees me, and what they might think of me, and I just let loose, which is part of why I don't need to drink. I just go nuts naturally. And that night especially I decided I'm going to act drunk and high naturally, just really be happy and cheerful, and give off good vibes. And so we were dancing and stuff, and for a moment I thought I saw Big Guy's big blue eyes looking at me, but I wasn't sure if it was because I really saw him looking or because I wanted him to look, which I did, because he is one fine man. And this happened a couple of times throughout the night, but I really wasn't sure about any of it at all. Anyways we'll get back to that in the end.
Either way, I kept looking for Mr. Guy all the time. In clubs it's the worst, because I always feel the need to have him see me looking great. That night, let me tell you, I was looking especially dashing. I just kept looking. As if the moment that he sees me will be the moment when he falls in love with me like I was some Disney princess or some shit.
When I was already certain that Mr. Guy hadn't shown up for the party we went downstairs to the entrance area outside to breathe some air, because it was freaking flaming inside. So we walk outside me, and two other friends, and they spot Mr. Guy, and because they are much closer to him than I am ever going to be, they walk up to him and say "hi", and at first he pays me no attention at all mostly because he's too drunk and I'm standing behind them, using them as a human shield from him. And then he realizes I'm there and say "hi Roni!" very excitedly for some reason, and then gets really close to me, and I look up at him big eyed not really knowing what to say, and he's reallllly close by then, almost too close. And I just stare at him starstruck or something, because I am looking into his big blue eyes not really knowing what to do. As you might have been able to guess, I am weak when it comes to big blue eyes. And then he asks me "Roni, did you drink?" with a mockingly surprised voice, and I say "no, no I didn't", and he says "I think you did". Apparently, I act the part very well without even drinking. So we turn around to leave, and we stop for some reason for a second, and then he places his hand on my lower back, and I just push him off really pissed off like, seriously? No.
So we go back upstairs and I dance a little more feeling like I might have Big Guy's eyes on me, and I let the tension wear off. We then think about leaving, because it's already really late, and we go downstairs to check it out, me and two different friends to the ones from before, and we dance together, and this tall guy who's not especially attractive tries hitting on me, but I kind of reject him gently. And then Mr. Guy arrives, and starts dancing with us. And I'm thinking to myself  ugh no.. And I take the guy who's hitting on me and I start dancing with him trying to push Mr. Guy away from us. He sees us dancing and goes off to dance somewhere else. Then the tall guy that I'm dancing with tries to kiss me, and I just push him back, later encountering with Mr. Guy's eyes, seeing him smile at the fact I pushed the other guy off, and I'm a little pissed, but I decide I just want to dance a little more, and go back home, and think of all the good things rather than focus on stupid Mr. Guy.
We drive back, and I go to sleep at Tiny's house, and when we're going downstairs to her house I ask her, kind of jokingly not expecting anything "hey did you notice that Big Guy was looking at me", and she says "I'm not the only one that has. Even Tony has noticed it". You might not realize how much this means coming from Tony, but I find him to be the most honest guy I know, so him saying this means that he actually noticed something. I then ask her "what do you mean by 'even Tony has..?'", and she says "when Tony and I were sitting for a while, talking, he said 'is there anything going on between Big Guy and Roni?', and I said 'no why?', and Tony said he's seen you guys exchanging looks the entire night", and I was shocked, and weirdly really happy.
I mean, it might mean nothing about me and Big Guy, because I don't know if it was a once in a life time kind of look, and I think that if he had really really wanted me he would have made a move then and there, but then again, after all the bad self esteem, and all the sadness I've been feeling because of Mr. Guy, I just think that boost of confidence is more than enough.
Yesterday, in a completely different situation, Mr. Guy offered me a ride, and I thought about it, and I thought this will only get me back to thinking about him, and I really shouldn't go back there, so I just refused it gently.
I hope this was mildly an interesting update. Love you all, XOXO Roni J.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Insecurities Cured (April Favorites)

Hello girls!
I'm sorry this took me quite some time, but I had to gather up what I wanted to say, I guess.
As part of falling out of love with Mr. Guy, I thought I should maybe take a step back and find someone else to fall in love with. Now, I made the mistake of falling for a new guy in order to fall out of love with the old one enough times. I don't mean falling in love with a new guy, not at all. What I mean is, I needed in fact to fall in love with myself. I got insecure, and started doubting my value, because if he doesn't want, who's to say someone will ever. I looked at myself in the mirror, and wasn't seeing me anymore, and that, my friends, is the biggest mistake I've done in a while.
Mr. Guy isn't to blame for this at all, if I were to blame I'd still be hanging from his line for a long long time, and I know the last post, The Sandbox, sounds like I was very angry, but the truth is I let the anger I had for myself come out like I was angry at him, and it just made it harder to let it go.
If I would have been angry at him I wouldn't have been able to slowly let go, because I still had some sort of feeling for him that's deeper than just any feeling I would have had for anybody else, which it shouldn't be, because the line between hating someone and loving them is very blurry, and you can easily step on it and cross it.
So I took my time off. I tried my best to not see him so much, because that just makes things harder, but I also told myself I wasn't going to avoid him if there's something I want to do and he's there. I just stopped looking for ways to see him more than needed.
I tried stripping myself from makeup a little bit, being confident and comfortable with the way I look naturally was important to me. I noticed that a lot more people said I look good every morning, and I can only guess it's not because I am horrible at putting make up on, but more because I was starting to glow from the inside. Starting to see I have value no matter what someone else might think.
I looked in the mirror every morning and instead of trying to hide my flaws I looked at my better features, and focused on them.
I'm not saying I'm a narcissist all of a sudden. It's not that I don't have flaws that I have to wake up to every morning, but these flaws make me special. They make me who I am, and they set me back from anybody else. I can now tell you that I know there's only one Roni J. and to be honest, I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
And Mr. Guy hasn't fallen for my charm and dazzling good looks, but I was shy around him and didn't present myself to him the  way I see myself, or my family, or my true friends, and that could be the true problem. But, then again, if I hadn't opened up to him after such a long time, and if I couldn't feel comfortable enough around him to present him with my true self, then I don't think he deserves it. Not in this stage of my life, I don't think so, at least.
So here are my favorites for this month, that made me a little more confident, that made me feel better when I was down. I hope you guys enjoy this! Don't forget to love yourself, because you are, in my opinion lovely and wonderful, and people deserve seeing you that way, and you deserve seeing yourself in the mirror and saying "Wow, my eyes look good today", "I love my hair this morning", and to step outside and feel comfortable in your own skin and just really ignore anyone that's jealous enough of you to say otherwise:

T.V Shows-
1) Cougar Town- I started watching from the very beginning because they are hilarious, and comedies like this make you  feel instantly better, no matter what's going on in your life.

2) New Girl- For the very same reason. It's going to be the season finale real soon, and I can see myself missing it so much. It instantly lights up my day, and I just love this show. 

3) Revolution- This is a less popular show, but I simply adore it. I love drama- action filled shows and movies like this one or like lost, that have mystery, and an amazing concept and something new to show. They are a little more serious, but they are simply addictive. This one's about what happens to the world when absolutely all the electricity stops working, out of nowhere. It talks a bit about human nature, and a bit about what we give the most importance to in our lives. It's an amazing show and I highly highly recommend seeing it.

4) The Cult- It's another good drama with a lot of action that I got into. It's a bit too much gore sometimes, but it's an incredibly interesting concept about a cult created by a T.V. show that people watch, and it's really insanely good.

1) Total Recall- This month I have watched the least movies I have watched in a month in the past 4 years. I have only watched this one, and Lord Of The Flies that I have already seen and read multiple times. I still liked Total Recall a lot because it was a little bit like Inception, when you start losing the idea of what's reality, and what's the Rekall program. It's about a war torn world, and it's just really weird, and interesting, and action filled, and as you might be able to notice the pattern, I like action movies and shows, and this one stood out.

1) Daily Grace- I am so late to jump on this bandwagon that I am ashamed of myself, but this girl cracked me up like crazy. I have only just subscribed to her and she's hilarious! She puts up so many videos that I have something to watch from her almost every day, and I just laugh so hard at everything she says and does.

2) What The Buck- He's a long time favorite. He makes me laugh with every single word he says, and he literally has the purest heart I have seen. He's just so true and honest and real that I love it.

1) Fruit Ninja- I have just gotten addicted to this stupid game all over again. I can't deal with how much I play this crap.

2) Instagram- I kinda left it for a while, but now I'm hooked onto it all over again. I love it.

1) Neopets- God I'M SORRY! I didn't mean to be like this, and I know I'm 18 and it's time I got over my childhood obsessions, but we were in chem class and had no work to do so me and my friend decided to reminisce, and we got into Neopets, and I'm addicted. I'm sorry there's really no excuse for what I've done.

Computer Games-
1) Sims 3- Another childhood addiction I have re-discovered, and I freaking love it, and I have nothing more to say about this game other than it's freaking fantabulous!

Piece Of Jewelery-
1) This Necklace- Was gifted to my sister a few years ago and she never wore it so I took it like two weeks ago, and I absolutely love it. It is so unique and gorgeous. Wish I knew where it's from... Sorry.

1) Hurricane by Bridgit Mendler- Sweet fun good-feel song. It's a bit sad if you listen closely, but It's just fun to listen to.

2) No Cure by Meghan Hilty- This song was there for the harder part of the month, the more heart broken part of the month. But it got me through heart break by just knowing almost exactly how I felt.

3) Leave Your Boyfriends Behind by Leona Naess- This song is just about the fun youthful girly times I've had the past few weeks. I was in a really funny party where everybody except me was drunk, and a ton of guys hit on me and I started playing jokes on them telling them I'm from a different country and all sorts of funny crap they believed, and the next day we celebrated my friend's 18th birthday on a yacht dancing and swimming, and having the best time of our lives, and I went to the beach for the first time this year, and this is what I'm about now. This song describes this perfectly. This is the true favorite this month.

4) I Love It by Icon Pop- Was playing on the yacht, and in the party I went to and will remind me of the good times every time I listen to it. I don't care. I love it.

That's all sweeties. Have a great month of may. <3 XOXO Roni J.