Monday, July 14, 2014

I'm Scared

Sorry, let's rewind and explain.
There's a certain frustration in fear. That thwarting feeling kicks in especially when you're missing out on stuff you might want. The apprehension has a way of holding you back from things you know could be good for you, and even life changing, and you just scream on the inside, trying to fight it, but it doesn't go away. You're wanting to take that leap, dive in, but some invisible iron chords are tugging and pulling you, preventing you from getting where you want to get, or being who you want to be.
These past two weeks Mr. Danger had a summer break, and he was home the entire time. We just didn't meet up. No one made the move. Saturday was his last day home, and I tried a couple times to make plans with him, because we have to talk things over, no matter what decision we make, but these decisions never played out.
I was so ready to end it already. I mean if we have two whole weeks to see each other, and neither one of us makes the effort to make it happen, how will it turn to be when we're both in college, busy, and barely seeing each other once a week, if not less? I was thinking that it's just us dragging it, because we both care a lot about each other, but there is really no point in it. We're both in this gray unknown area we can't get out of, that's holding us back.
So around 7 pm on Saturday when I saw this wasn't going to happen I asked him if he's got time later on that night. It took him time to reply, and he said he does have time, but only later that night. I was OK with the late hour, because I have to be absolutely NOWHERE, but considering he had to drive back really early to college the next morning in order to get to class, it was fairly odd, but fine. Who cares? It's not going to take much time I just have to end it the way I planned it. Like I prepared myself; it's not working out; we're both scared; we can't work this out; that we were more like a couple before we kissed, before we started being uncomfortable, and timid around each other.
And then he asked me where I want to go, and I said I don't know, and he said fine I have an idea. I asked him where we're going, and he said it was a surprise, which made me feel like he does care, and made me scared to blow it up in his face, and say it's not working out.
He came to pick me up around midnight, and we greeted each other bashfully. *IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE* I've known Mr. Danger for years now, I know him well, and I know he would never do anything to cause me any harm (contrary to his nickname). I DO NOT suggest that any girl drives off into the night with a guy she's not absolutely a 100% familiar with, and 100% familiar with his intentions. That IS dangerous. Safety comes FIRST! We then drove off. We talked about random things in the car, and then we got to a place called the "End of the World". It's a dead end of a street overlooking the view of the whole city from the mountain top, and you can see all the way to the harbor, and the little glowing lights of boats. 
We sat down and gone on talking and rambling about our lives to each other. Everything we missed out on all this time that our talks have been vacant and shallow, and all this time we haven't seen each other or acted like complete strangers when we did. His family, my family, his friends, my friends, politics, college, changes; more and more words kept pouring out of our mouths. I started getting a feeling that I might not want to end it, that I really missed just talking to him, and that I could talk to him about the most ridiculous topics, but at the same time I could talk to him about the most serious of subjects. 
It started to feel like it had before we kissed. Maybe even the same as the night of the kiss, when we sat down on the sand at the beach after one too many beers, and talked for two hours about everything and nothing at the same time, and then he kissed me. Just like that, we sat there for around 3 hours talking about everything yet nothing, in the "End of the World", overlooking the ocean, nothing touching but our knees brushing up against each other ever so slightly. We both looked at my cellphone to find that it's 3 am, and that he's got to wake up super early. Reality check.
And all at once silence fell upon us. Not that we couldn't go on talking about stupid stuff for the rest of the night, but there was really no need. "Can we stop being shy assholes?" he then asked, and like waking up from a dream, reality kicked in and I rallied. Literally rallied, and assembled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, lowering my head. It took me by complete surprise, although it shouldn't have at all, and I started stuttering and stammering, muffling words under my breath. Thinking that I am the shyest person I know, and the biggest asshole.
It was half silent, and half awkward muffles coming out of both our mouths, until he pleaded "please, let me end this awkward moment", and coaxed my face, holding it in both hands, to look directly at his, really up close, eyes set directly on his, lips parallel to his. I just... lowered my head, and looked down.
Somehow I managed to make the most awkward of moments, even more awkward. "I can't believe this..." he muttered under his breath. I can't either, I thought to myself. I apologized. I said that's how I am when it comes to these things, and that this is the reason I warned him when we said we'd "try" this thing out, that's why I said he's about to suffer; I'm painfully shy. "You're not easy", he said and simpered dolefully. That's an understatement, I thought, and then said almost silently, "I'm formidable". Almost silently. He smiled at that. 
"Do you not want this?" he doubted himself aloud, and I couldn't help but feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I told him it doesn't have to do with him, thinking about an earlier failed relationship that I wrecked this year, because he tried to kiss me and I moved because I was scared. In both cases it wasn't lack of interest that pulled me away, but those same iron chords of fear and apprehension. "Am I that bad without the alcohol?" he wavered again, not understanding it's about me. "I am that bad without the alcohol", I replied. It pained me that I made him feel even more insecure about himself. As if he wasn't timid enough, I had to punch him in the gut and hurt his self esteem even more. I finally managed to form a clear coherent sentence, "If you're a shy asshole, I am twice, if not three times as big a shy asshole as you are. With alcohol it worked, because I wasn't as shy, nor was I as immense an asshole as I am usually". -"In two weeks' time, when I come back home, I'll take care of that". -"You don't have to take care of it", I said, "I need to". 
Not late after that we got up and he drove me home, because it was far too late for him. At least we communicated like humans, and it wasn't silent. But it seemed that I have agreed to make this agreement with him, this arrangement, that next time we see each other I will get wasted, and then I won't be this hard, I'll be easier. I know this is not what he meant in no way. As I've mentioned before he really is a good guy, and would never use me. If he would have wanted to use me, we were alone at night both times, and he could do it then, but he didn't. And no one would work this hard for a girl to get her to give it to him. But it made me feel like, for one thing, I can't control my fears, I can't face them and deal with them without the help of intoxicating substances, which is nothing I aspire to be. And it also makes this relationship ultra trashy, and that's not what I want it to become; not the relationship, and not myself.
I talked to my best guy friend the morning after, scared that I wrecked this relationship, just like the one before it, and that I pushed Mr. Danger way too far. My guy friend said that now that he understands that I'm THAT shy, he probably respects me more, and that he probably thinks that it's cute now that I finally wasn't a bitch about it, and that I talked openly about it. That he probably sees me as rare. By the way Mr. Danger took it, I mean, when he finally realized that it's not about him or even my feelings for him, but about my fear of intimacy, that seems to be true.
I don't know how I will handle the alcohol issue because I definitely don't want to be dependent on it to be able to do something as simple as kissing someone that I want to kiss, but I'm also afraid that I won't be able to and move away just the same as I did so many times in the past when guys tried to kiss me.I want to be able to face and conquer my fear. Just like when I conquered my fear of heights when I went rappelling earlier this year. I'll bite the bullet (not literally, because it's hard to kiss that way), and "just do it". I hope.
Love loads, XOXO Roni J.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Self- Centered

I don't know a person who is not selfish. I don't think they exist. I'm pretty sure that at some point, if they were ever walking this earth, they would seize to exist. I don't think people should be selfless. I don't think you can live a whole life giving everything you have to others, nor do I think it's right. Our worlds seem to turn on a spindle, to circle around a mandrel, made entirely of ourselves. And what other way could there be? We can only see, smell, feel, taste and hear what is happening to us.
I think you are always thinking about yourself. Even do onto others means, basically, think about yourself, but in someone else's shoes. When you're doing something for other people's sake there is always a hidden agenda. Whether it is that you want them to be happy because if they were sad-it would make you sad, or because giving to society gives you a sense of self worth, or accomplishment, or fulfillment, in the end it all goes back to you. And I absolutely do not mean to say that's wrong. These feelings make you a compassionate human. Being able to resonate with other people, to feel empathy towards others, make us a community. It makes us human. That's the reason humanitarians are called humanitarians, I would think.
The only thing you can aspire to be, rather than be selfless, rather than devote your whole to others not considering your situation and your position in the game, is less selfish. In the end, if you give your whole to others, you won't be able to give anymore, 'cause you'll be dead. You'll either donate all your organs to sick people, give all the food and money you have ever possessed to someone in need, or I don't even want to think what else. And the worst part is, that even in your death you will be frustrated, because you haven't helped enough people.
Today was the loneliest day I have had in a long time. I haven't felt so lonely since lower school- when I was bullied. I felt like I have lost all my friends back home, and needed to cut the cord and move away, and just stop being hurt by people. I don't know necessarily what made the world so terribly angry with me this past month (again, gullible for thinking any of this is about me), but every friend seemed to turn against me, and I was in a puddle of tears in my Mama's lap like a ten years old.
The short end of it is that I was angry, much like in the last post, at a friend, because she was so fucking self centered she couldn't see past her own nose. And I turned out to be a hypocrite, because my best  friend blamed me for the same exact offense. And I was hurt by Mr. Danger, because I felt like he lacks that same ability to see past his own nose, because every time we talk it's about him, and when it becomes about me finally, it comes from this weird judgmental place that I'm not ready for with my lack of ability to be confident in my skin.
In the end we were all our own little planets circling around in our own route, crashing into each other, causing a painful collision that hurt both parties, and exploded in our faces. All we had to do to avoid it was to look at a solar system model from our grammar school, to realize we're all surrounded by other little planets, much like our own, that each circle in different speed, different directions, and if we'd only clear a path for each other, and work in sync, we wouldn't hurt each other so much. And the most painful of all, for sure, was the bitter feeling of hypocrisy.
 So I apologized to the friend I was too selfish around, and she never responded, and I don't know what will become of us. And I am hoping that the second friend does the same and grows up, but I doubt she'll ever see past her hurt, and I won't allow myself to be hurt again, much of it like the reasons listed above. I can't  be a good friend to other people so long that I am solely devoting myself to a friendship that isn't mutual,   so.. I don't know what will become of us. And I asked Mr. Danger, if it's OK with him, that we'll talk face to face this week, while he's available, because no matter what happens from here on out, we can't keep hiding from each other. But I don't know what will become of us.
So in all of this uncertainty that I very much created for myself, I choose to create a small new certainty. I want to be a little less self- centered. I want to be a little kinder. If I would have been able to see past myself, a lot of this hurt would be spared. And although it's not in my hands right now, and it's their time to roll the ball which ever direction they choose, for the sake of future relationships, and especially for the sake of future friendships, because up until now they were the only things I had, and they mean so much to me, I choose to judge less, be present more, listen more, talk less, and appreciate what I have, be grateful for those who care, because they're rare and sparse. I want to show those choose themselves to be a little less self- centered everyday, that their efforts are appreciated, and noted.
Hope you're having a good weekend, and please be kind, and try to be just a smidge less selfish everyday.
XOXO Roni J.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

A Sad Symphony

Oh gosh, I have not written in so long.
I have not written in almost 9 months. It's almost the time it takes to give birth to a child. And in some way I almost feel like I must have done just that in the past 9 months. No, I did not actually give birth to a child, thank goodness, heavens no. I haven't even lost my virginity.
What I did do, though, is so many things I never even imagined I would have done in a million year, and gone so many places I never in my life thought I would set foot in. Seeing as my year in the most incredible of programs has sadly come to an end, and with it all the unbelievable experiences I have gone through that have changed me and defined me so much that I am a different person now.
What have I managed to accomplish? I have learned to navigate in nature, I have met the most incredible group of people my own age, I have lived alone with these people, I learned about philosophy, economics, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, history, and so many subject that would just take too long to write, I went on a week called survival week, I went abseiling, I toured the entire country, I fell in love a couple times, had my heart broken just the same amount of times I fell in love, I was almost kissed a few times, and have been kissed once, and... Life... It was at its best.
But now, seeing I am back home for the summer, all my friends live in different parts of the country or are in college, now I feel exactly the same as I was just 9 months ago. A major set back. I am having a fight with a friend that I had fights with in August, about her having her head stuck up her ass instead of seeing that the people around her are going through stuff as well, and you can't just have a friendship work one way around. It doesn't work that way.
And the boy that kissed me.. Mr. Danger.. He's not dangerous really, but he likes to think of himself as a bit of a James Bond, thinking he's such a fearless guy. We were about to start a relationship, but we're both extremely shy and me being the tight ass bitch that I am when I am shy... I make it impossible for myself to know whether or not I want it. Whether I am rejecting it because it's really not something that I want, or whether it's just my fear talking. And I managed to scare Mr. Danger, and he's been pulling back. And I keep going back and forth between wanting to end it officially, wanting to let it die on its own, or trying again, because I might actually have feelings for Mr. Danger.
And my parents being in Japan on holiday, me all alone at home, both my siblings swamped with work, it is just all the more hard. I feel lonely, and I have no one to pick me up, except for that one Skype call once a day, and God how I miss them.
So in awe of how depressive I managed to be this weekend- here's a list of my most favorite depressive songs at the moment, that I have been playing over and over to help me find a way to describe how I feel.
First spot in the list in no particular order, takes this sweet cover of the famous ballad by Bob Dylan- Boots of Spanish Leather, done incredibly well by the lead singer of the Lumineers- Wesley Schultz, who's voice is so relaxing yet unnerving at the same time. It's about drifting away more than just physically, and it is absolutely lovely.

Second is a song based on the same drifting apart in more than one way. It is Boston by Augustana. I remember that one night, around six months ago, when we were in our room, my roommate played on her phone speakers, and I remembered this song like I'd heard it before, even though to this day I cannot recall where from.
Either way I've fallen in love with it again thanks to my roommate whom I love desperately. Both of them.

Third is another song about things changing, and people starting to grow apart, and it's called Ashes and Wine by a Fine Frenzy. Alison Sudol's incredible voice, and the lyrics make this make you feel. We had her first album in the car when I was 12 or 13, and I remember saying it is the perfect rainy-day song because it goes perfectly in sync with windshield wipers. Food for thought.

One that I have played over and over the most times this entire weekend, and has become my depressed mood anthem is this beautiful heart wrenching song from the soundtrack to Once, sung by the Swell Season's Irish singer Glen Hansard- Leave. I really have little to say, and no matter what I say about it won't do the song any justice so just listen to it, please. I beg of you.

Speaking of leaving, Israeli singer- Asaf Avidan makes it pretty clear that "baby, I'm leaving" in this yet again heart wrenching song Of Scorpions and Bells.

What You're Thinking by my beloved Passenger ft. Josh Pyke has been my favorite song for almost two years now. Passenger's ability to morph emotions into lyrics is inspiring, not only in this song. Michael Rosenberg's got beautiful sad songs done. Girl Running, Table for One, Feather on a Clyde, What Will Become of Us, Caravan, Things You've Never Done, Walk in the Rain, are just a few of his many beautifully worded sad songs. This one's just my absolute favorite, because it puts into words the frustration in not being able to figure someone out, and in wanting to fix it all but it's just all so out of hand, and it pulls you apart.

Next one's been repeatedly played this week to the point that I am happy we're not dependent on cassettes anymore, because I would rip the shit out of this tape. It is Sara Bareilles's Send Me the Moon. Making an impossibly serene sound to the anxiety of waiting to see someone you miss so much, wanting the sun and the moon to go in circles together so that you don't have to wait even one more day to see them. Parents, this is your cue.

Say Anything by Anderson East ft. Jill Andrews is just what I've been feeling like the past month since everything has started with Mr. Danger. We're both so emotionally incapable, so challenged with our feelings, that neither one of us says anything they want to say. It's that frustrating "just say something. Anything that will make me stay" kind of  feeling. And this song portrays it beautifully in the amazing voices of both Anderson and Jill.

Another frustrating feeling is the feeling that you've gone back to square one. You felt like this big change has happened in your life and God laughs at you like "haha.. NO". We Never Change by Coldplay is, in my opinion, their best creation. It's brutally honest to the point of heartbreaking.

Miles Away by Years Around the Sun is the song that makes me want to run away. Change a scenery, be anywhere but here, travel as far as possible from everything I have been feeling lately, that's where I want to be. The way they describe the perfect mind melting place on earth- sand, sun, moon, stars, lights... Just away.

This is it for today. For more sad songs, or anything else you can message me here or on Tumblr if you feel like, all that information in the contact me page.
Love you all, hoping for a better week ahead, XOXO Roni J.