Thursday, April 12, 2012

New Beginnings

Hello girls.
I know how it's not really the beginning of spring anymore, nor is it new year's for any religion that I know of, but I am going back to school in about two days, and I need something fresh to hold me through the exams and the stress. I cleaned things out with my guy friend G. with whom I had a fight yesterday. To be quite honest I was surprised that he was the first one to approach the other and ask to forget things, but he was for forgetting and not getting into it, which I guess is okay for getting to be exactly the way things were before, but it doesn't really solve any problem we had between us, which is exactly what I wanted to realize during the fight. He's just covering everything up so that on the surface it looks alright, but does it actually make things better? I think not. I'm just glad we're not falling apart, to be frank, because he IS really important to me, but I don't like leaving things undone.
Another thing I need a fresh start with is GUYS. I know we probably went about this thirty seven time, or at least the amount of blog posts I've posted up until now, but today I realized that I am still in love with a guy I fell in love with over 4 years ago, and that is plain ridicules. He was an amazing guy and I have no regrets for falling for him or anything, if anything, he's probably the best guy I have ever had feelings for, or at least was the best guy at the time. He lives very far away, in my old town, nothing happened between us, and in October I went there for the first time in two years. I knew this from the start that it will hurt, and I think a part of me wanted to go, because he is my first love, and I wanted to feel that pain again. The thing with me is that I never fully get over a guy. I fall in love with others. I don't think about him as much, but once in a while I get caught up with the memories of him. It's a good thing that I don't see him as much anymore, and that I will probably never see him again, because seeing him really hurt me and raised questions that I don't know how to answer. On the other hand, as I've said already, I hate leaving things undone, unfixed, unsolved. I need that closure, and I will never get it because there was never really something there.
This memory of him keeps running through my mind today and I really need to let it out somehow, because otherwise it might drive me insane, and the thing is that I really don't feel comfortable bothering my friends with telling them this, because I don't think they would understand, and I really don't want them to know, how much of a hopeless romantic I am. On the outside, in order to not get hurt I just build myself up to look bulletproof. The truth is that I've just been punctured pretty thoroughly with so many bullets that there's really not much more to hit and there for the bullets keep missing, if that makes any sense.
The memory I have of that boy, A., is us waiting out by the school to get picked up. Now, this was a private school so the entire grade knows each other, it's not massive. There was a little square where the parking lot is where there's a flagpole, benches, grass and stuff. I remember it being a really cold day, and it was us and a few more people waiting. I am not much of an expressive lover, again probably because of my defenses, so I wasn't much of a boy-hugger at the time, just like today I'm not much of a kisser, it just makes me feel a little awkward, and it was a really big deal for me at the time. I remember that although it was cold, I was wearing something pretty short. I remember it probably being on of the two happiest days of my life in the romance department, and you can see how dull and stupid they are. The simple feeling of being hugged from behind by this boy I think I'm in love with. I was so young I don't even know if I could have perceived how much I felt for him for being so far away from getting him. The two things I remember him saying during that whole situation is something along the lines of "you project warmth" and something along the lines of "my mother might see this and think the wrong things". How the flipping duck did this make me happy, how messed up and blind does a girl have to be to no even think of the words he's saying that are either as deep as the little pee ponds they have for toddlers as a pool, or completely and utterly insulting. I say a lot. Either it was plain stupidity or real love, but me being all full of ego, I'd rather think that I'm an intellectual.
I just need desperately to be rid of my feelings for him, because if it's the casual status update of his Facebook, the fact that his current girlfriend is one of my best friends, or the sincere fact that when I was there he didn't even bother with saying hello to me, or hugging me goodbye, because I will probably never see him again, for that matter, which stung like my lungs were punctured, it just all hurts far too much. There is an endless number of possibilities that are so near, and much more attainable, so why keep dishing on the past?
Onto the more fashion-beauty related part of the post. I recently got a gift from my mom for spring to be able to pick whatever I want at the drugstore for a certain amount of money, and I wanted to haul it.

The two items are by the same brand called Jadé from France I'm almost certain, which is rather inexpensive and really great quality, and therefore I am kind of surprised that it's not covered anywhere, and that I haven't heard of it from another beauty blogger or Youtuber, ever. These are not the first items I've purchased from this brand, and thus far I really love all their products, so check it out if you will. The first item is a lipstick shade in Marigold or 457 which is a beautiful bright coral-ly color for spring. It's kind of similar to my So Chaud lipstick from MAC, but it is more pink toned than the true tangerine color of So Chaud, and I absolutely love it.  The packaging is pretty dandy and expensive looking.
The second thing I got is a nail polish by them. It's shade's name is Award Blue and its number is 393, and it is just the most beautiful shade of electric cobalt blue with really fine shimmer on it. I love nail polishes like that for the summer because even if they're not the brightest or most summery shades I love it when they glitter in the sun. It's just so beautiful. These are the pictures of it in the bottle, and swatched on my nails. I couldn't find ANY information about the brand online, which seems extremely odd to me so I'll do some more research for you, and come back with options of where you can buy it in popular drugstores, and maybe where you can hear some more about it. Love you Fashionistas! Goodnight, XOXO, Roni J.

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