I know how it's not really the beginning of spring anymore, nor is it new year's for any religion that I know of, but I am going back to school in about two days, and I need something fresh to hold me through the exams and the stress. I cleaned things out with my guy friend G. with whom I had a fight yesterday. To be quite honest I was surprised that he was the first one to approach the other and ask to forget things, but he was for forgetting and not getting into it, which I guess is okay for getting to be exactly the way things were before, but it doesn't really solve any problem we had between us, which is exactly what I wanted to realize during the fight. He's just covering everything up so that on the surface it looks alright, but does it actually make things better? I think not. I'm just glad we're not falling apart, to be frank, because he IS really important to me, but I don't like leaving things undone.
Another thing I need a fresh start with is GUYS. I know we probably went about this thirty seven time, or at least the amount of blog posts I've posted up until now, but today I realized that I am still in love with a guy I fell in love with over 4 years ago, and that is plain ridicules. He was an amazing guy and I have no regrets for falling for him or anything, if anything, he's probably the best guy I have ever had feelings for, or at least was the best guy at the time. He lives very far away, in my old town, nothing happened between us, and in October I went there for the first time in two years. I knew this from the start that it will hurt, and I think a part of me wanted to go, because he is my first love, and I wanted to feel that pain again. The thing with me is that I never fully get over a guy. I fall in love with others. I don't think about him as much, but once in a while I get caught up with the memories of him. It's a good thing that I don't see him as much anymore, and that I will probably never see him again, because seeing him really hurt me and raised questions that I don't know how to answer. On the other hand, as I've said already, I hate leaving things undone, unfixed, unsolved. I need that closure, and I will never get it because there was never really something there.
The memory I have of that boy, A., is us waiting out by the school to get picked up. Now, this was a private school so the entire grade knows each other, it's not massive. There was a little square where the parking lot is where there's a flagpole, benches, grass and stuff. I remember it being a really cold day, and it was us and a few more people waiting. I am not much of an expressive lover, again probably because of my defenses, so I wasn't much of a boy-hugger at the time, just like today I'm not much of a kisser, it just makes me feel a little awkward, and it was a really big deal for me at the time. I remember that although it was cold, I was wearing something pretty short. I remember it probably being on of the two happiest days of my life in the romance department, and you can see how dull and stupid they are. The simple feeling of being hugged from behind by this boy I think I'm in love with. I was so young I don't even know if I could have perceived how much I felt for him for being so far away from getting him. The two things I remember him saying during that whole situation is something along the lines of "you project warmth" and something along the lines of "my mother might see this and think the wrong things". How the flipping duck did this make me happy, how messed up and blind does a girl have to be to no even think of the words he's saying that are either as deep as the little pee ponds they have for toddlers as a pool, or completely and utterly insulting. I say a lot. Either it was plain stupidity or real love, but me being all full of ego, I'd rather think that I'm an intellectual.
I just need desperately to be rid of my feelings for him, because if it's the casual status update of his Facebook, the fact that his current girlfriend is one of my best friends, or the sincere fact that when I was there he didn't even bother with saying hello to me, or hugging me goodbye, because I will probably never see him again, for that matter, which stung like my lungs were punctured, it just all hurts far too much. There is an endless number of possibilities that are so near, and much more attainable, so why keep dishing on the past?
Onto the more fashion-beauty related part of the post. I recently got a gift from my mom for spring to be able to pick whatever I want at the drugstore for a certain amount of money, and I wanted to haul it.




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