Looking For You Again

Hello girls,
how are you? I hope you're doing well.
There was a big party this week. It took place in a club I usually avoid, because in the two previous times I had visited it, my friends got really drunk, and I basically had to be their babysitter the entire night, which is anything but fun, especially when you don't get paid for it, and moreover when you pay quite a large amount of money to get in.
So this time my friends took it down a notch. Most of them didn't drink at all, and those who did, really took care of themselves. I've heard it once that you should drink to be happier, and not to be happy, and I completely agree with it. Because when you drink in order to boost your self esteem, you drink to be a slut, and drink to be happy, the only thing that happens is that you lose all control over the amount of alcohol you pour into your mouth, and end up with all the flaws that you've been trying to hide by drinking, out like all of your dirty laundry. Anyways this isn't a post about my opinions of drinking and alcohol, so I'll go on.
The thing is that when my friends don't drink I find myself having way more fun instead of worrying about them all the time. My dad even noticed it. When he asked me how the party was the next day, and I answered I had a lot of fun, he immediately said "this can mean either one of two things. Either you got drunk, or nobody else got drunk". What can I say? My dad just knows me far too well.
The club we went to is a huge building, and when you walk in there's a room downstairs playing house music, and when you go upstairs it's mostly hip hop and rap music, which our groups of friends prefers in general. So we went upstairs.
My good good friend that we'll call Tiny met up with her boyfriend, whom we'll name Tony, and we didn't want to lose her in the huge club so our group stayed quite close to Tony's group of friends. Big Guy, if you remember him from the past, is in Tony's group of friends, so while dancing we were always close to him.
Me, when I dance, I really don't give much of a crap who sees me, and what they might think of me, and I just let loose, which is part of why I don't need to drink. I just go nuts naturally. And that night especially I decided I'm going to act drunk and high naturally, just really be happy and cheerful, and give off good vibes. And so we were dancing and stuff, and for a moment I thought I saw Big Guy's big blue eyes looking at me, but I wasn't sure if it was because I really saw him looking or because I wanted him to look, which I did, because he is one fine man. And this happened a couple of times throughout the night, but I really wasn't sure about any of it at all. Anyways we'll get back to that in the end.
Either way, I kept looking for Mr. Guy all the time. In clubs it's the worst, because I always feel the need to have him see me looking great. That night, let me tell you, I was looking especially dashing. I just kept looking. As if the moment that he sees me will be the moment when he falls in love with me like I was some Disney princess or some shit.
When I was already certain that Mr. Guy hadn't shown up for the party we went downstairs to the entrance area outside to breathe some air, because it was freaking flaming inside. So we walk outside me, and two other friends, and they spot Mr. Guy, and because they are much closer to him than I am ever going to be, they walk up to him and say "hi", and at first he pays me no attention at all mostly because he's too drunk and I'm standing behind them, using them as a human shield from him. And then he realizes I'm there and say "hi Roni!" very excitedly for some reason, and then gets really close to me, and I look up at him big eyed not really knowing what to say, and he's reallllly close by then, almost too close. And I just stare at him starstruck or something, because I am looking into his big blue eyes not really knowing what to do. As you might have been able to guess, I am weak when it comes to big blue eyes. And then he asks me "Roni, did you drink?" with a mockingly surprised voice, and I say "no, no I didn't", and he says "I think you did". Apparently, I act the part very well without even drinking. So we turn around to leave, and we stop for some reason for a second, and then he places his hand on my lower back, and I just push him off really pissed off like, seriously? No.
So we go back upstairs and I dance a little more feeling like I might have Big Guy's eyes on me, and I let the tension wear off. We then think about leaving, because it's already really late, and we go downstairs to check it out, me and two different friends to the ones from before, and we dance together, and this tall guy who's not especially attractive tries hitting on me, but I kind of reject him gently. And then Mr. Guy arrives, and starts dancing with us. And I'm thinking to myself  ugh no.. And I take the guy who's hitting on me and I start dancing with him trying to push Mr. Guy away from us. He sees us dancing and goes off to dance somewhere else. Then the tall guy that I'm dancing with tries to kiss me, and I just push him back, later encountering with Mr. Guy's eyes, seeing him smile at the fact I pushed the other guy off, and I'm a little pissed, but I decide I just want to dance a little more, and go back home, and think of all the good things rather than focus on stupid Mr. Guy.
We drive back, and I go to sleep at Tiny's house, and when we're going downstairs to her house I ask her, kind of jokingly not expecting anything "hey did you notice that Big Guy was looking at me", and she says "I'm not the only one that has. Even Tony has noticed it". You might not realize how much this means coming from Tony, but I find him to be the most honest guy I know, so him saying this means that he actually noticed something. I then ask her "what do you mean by 'even Tony has..?'", and she says "when Tony and I were sitting for a while, talking, he said 'is there anything going on between Big Guy and Roni?', and I said 'no why?', and Tony said he's seen you guys exchanging looks the entire night", and I was shocked, and weirdly really happy.
I mean, it might mean nothing about me and Big Guy, because I don't know if it was a once in a life time kind of look, and I think that if he had really really wanted me he would have made a move then and there, but then again, after all the bad self esteem, and all the sadness I've been feeling because of Mr. Guy, I just think that boost of confidence is more than enough.
Yesterday, in a completely different situation, Mr. Guy offered me a ride, and I thought about it, and I thought this will only get me back to thinking about him, and I really shouldn't go back there, so I just refused it gently.
I hope this was mildly an interesting update. Love you all, XOXO Roni J.

Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.

Fragile (May Favorites)

Hey girls (and boys. Do we have any boys here? If so, tell me, I feel like I would hate it if no one referred to me when I was reading a blog of theirs). How has this month passed? Was it any better than the last? Any worse (oh gosh I hope not).
So when I was about 13, I think, I went to a summer camp with a friend. It was a bible camp, even though that's not really my thing. I went there because she is my best friend (to this day), and it was a lot of fun, when I look back. The subject that year was fragile. How the world is so very fragile, how relationships are so very fragile, and how we need to take care of our surroundings, because we can never put together the pieces exactly the way they were before they cracked or shattered (depends on the case really). English is not my first language, so I didn't really know what the meaning was at first, but as time passed I came to know what this means.
The definition of fragile from dictionary.com is: easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail.

In other words, I guess, it means breakable.
I don't know if I told you this before, but my sister left about a week ago to live abroad for a few months. I don't think I really have to stress how hard it was to have her leave, and how much I miss her every day she's away, and how hard it is to hear she's going through something hard and not to be able to hug her and to be there for her.
Yesterday my mother talk to her on Skype before she came home and she texted me "Will be held back a little, on Skype with your sister. Boy crisis". My sister met a guy before she went abroad who lives there and they talked almost everyday on Skype, and when she visited a few months ago they were doing alright and all this time he seems interested. As well as since she got there about a week ago.
Yesterday, after spending an entire day with her, a day she felt was perfect, a day when he was, apparently, marking his territory in front of his friends, after all that, he decides he doesn't want her anymore, and he just told her it's not what he wants.
Understandable. The guy decides that's not what he wants. I actually appreciate the honesty, but he could have said it sooner, he could have made her understand that he's not interested rather than making her believe that he really wants something to happen between them, he could have not waited this long, he could have not marked territory or waited a whole day to say it. But he didn't.
My sister is much more breakable than I am. Part of it is the fact that I let no one in maybe, and I am very calculated rather than gut follower. I almost never break, surely not in front of the person responsible, and I'm able of holding it in and not letting at show through. It's my specialty really.
I can honestly say I had a thousand scenarios of what I should have done to the guy who broke my sister's heart like, to the point where every time she heard our voices (voices from home) she started weeping. I am so protective of my family, especially her since she is, as I've said, so fragile.
My heart breaks at the sight of any person with a broken heart. I cry like a little girl. I mean, while watching Kyle XY, there were quite a few heart broken moments and I cried in each and every one of them. While watching the Hunger Games, I cried when Gale saw Peeta and Katniss kiss even thought I like Peeta better, just because I knew his heart must have been breaking, and those are fictional characters, so seeing someone real going through heartbreak, and someone that I love as much as I love my sister, I simply broke down.
Good thing I talked to her over the phone last night, because my voice did crack a little, but I really didn't want her to see the tears. Just hearing her cry, her voice so aching, her wanting to come back home, it was so hard not to cry.
Over all I think today she's probably better. I hope so. I will move on to my favorites right about now.

*Favorite T.V. Show: Kyle X.Y. I have literally talked about this a thousand times it feels like, but this is genuinely THE best show I have seen in a REALLY REALLY long time. It is a complete fiction, kind of science fiction teen drama show. I love it. I'm still not able to see the last episode they shot before the show got canceled, because I seriously don't want it to end.




*Favorite Person: Jean-Luc Bilodeau. This is the guy that plays Kyle's adoptive brother in the show and I can seriously say that, besides his good looks, he can portray so much emotion, he's funny, and half of the times I cried about something in the show (I cry a lot at seeing other people's pain) it was because of him. I am happy to say that he's coming out with a show called Baby Daddy very very soon, so I'll be on the lookout for it :) (It's going to be on ABC Family for whomever is in the U.S. and would like to try it out). Hopefully it's good. Just don't kill me if it isn't.

*Favorite Mascara: Loreal's Telescopic in brown. I know I said last month that I love PUPA's mascara, and I do think it is a great mascara, but the wand is SO extremely thick and uncomfortable. I love the formula, but the wand kills it for me. So I got back to using Loreal's Telescopic, which is also more lengthening, I would think, than the PUPA one, which I want more of than I want a thickening one. The wand is absolutely tiny, which is perfect for the bottom lushes as well. I like it!




*Favorite Artist: Paolo Nutini. This guy will forever, I hope, be my favorite artist. His lyrics are amazing, his voice sends chill up and down my spine, he is amazing (I haven't said it before enough). I have discovered new songs of his and I just fell in love all over again.

Favorite Song: Wake Up by Arcade Fire covered by (surprise surprise) Paolo Nutini. Amazing cover. So heartfelt and.... I just love him obviously.
Have a great weekend!!! XOXO Roni J.!

Change.

Hello ladies,
How are you?
I am doing fairly well. The only things that's bringing me down is that my sister is out of the country for 3 months and I really miss her, but, as long as I hear that she's doing well, I don't really mind it.
Today I sort of wanted to talk to you about the one thing most of us fear the most around this time of year. Bikinis. *Scary music in the background followed by a high pitched yelp*. Yours truly also has some insecurities about herself (if not a high score at insecurities and low self esteem), but as always I'm trying my best to make a change.
I have decided to stop complaining and start loving the way I am or acting up. You see, the more we tell ourselves we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not cute enough, not sexy enough, too tall, too fat, too bootylicious, the more we believe ourselves and the less motivation we have to change it, and the less we are capable of loving ourselves, because we make ourselves believe that it's engraved in who we are, that it couldn't be changed even if we wanted to.
My definition of love is accepting one's flaws and embracing them. It doesn't only apply on loving other people. Make it apply to how you feel about yourself. 
So no, this time of year you won't find me grieving over the fact that my chest is too small or that my hips don't lie. I have decided that no one is going to change how I feel about myself but myself. I have also decided that I have no right to complain, and that if I feel like complaining about something that can be changed, I will change it rather than complain, and that if I feel like hating myself for something that cannot be changed in the present or in the near future, I better start accepting it the way it is.
Some of you might think I'm stupid while others will agree, but my biggest insecurity about my appearance, I would think, is my legs. Not only are they scarred like crazy from years of falling on my knees, getting scratched by my cat or shaving mistakes (OUCH), but I also have a real issue with their shape.
So this is something doable. I have decided this is my goal for the month of June. My friend who used to swim competitively will help me with dry land work outs that she used to do when she was on the team, and I will slowly strengthen my thighs so that I feel more comfortable with them. At the end of the months, after doing a routine hopefully everyday, I will tell you how it went and if I really stuck to my decision.
I suggest you join me and pick an insecurity of yours that you can gradually change over the course of next month and share your feelings with me, too!

Take inspiration from everything you see to inspire everyone you know. Enjoy this song by Keane- "Everybody's Changing". Have A great weekend. XOXO Roni J.