Saturday, April 13, 2013

Blue Eyes

Hello sweeties,
How are you? Are you doing well?
I hope you are! I really want to thank you all for getting me over a thousand views this year. It might not sound like a lot when other people get this number daily, but the fact that anybody might be remotely interested in hearing what I, a complete stranger, have to say, baffles me, intrigues me, and excites me. So thank you, even if it doesn't mean much to you, it means a lot to me.
I guess that besides writing fashion, beauty, and all sorts of other not very personal posts, this kind of became a journey. I can look back at posts from directly a year ago, and laugh at how pathetically naive, and how it hasn't even changed a bit, and of how I miss some things that I used to be, or some people I used to be close to.
Today I woke up feeling... Rather less confident about myself. I guess it's not that I woke up this way really. I went out for coffee with two of my friends. One of them is someone I used to be really close with up until this year, and for some reason I'm starting to feel like it's fading away.
I don't know what it is about her that's changing, or maybe I have my eyes opened wider, but she's becoming.. Someone I don't feel comfortable around, someone I don't feel safe sharing my secrets with, someone that I feel like is judging me to the bone.
We talked the parties that are going to take place this week, and there are many, and she kept saying "Roni has to drink to one of these parties to open up", and such things. I mean she might have good intensions wanting to help me open up to a guy maybe, or share my first kiss with someone, but it's starting to sound like it's bothering her that I have not been kissed at 18 more than it bothers me. She's talking about it like it's some sort of impediment, like I'm fucked up (sorry for the use of language), like I'm not ok, and my values are not ok, and they need to be changed in order for me to ever get a guy to look at me. I know this might sound like I'm over thinking the use of her words just a little too much, like I do about everything else in my life, but then again it's not the only thing she said.
She used to have a theory about me becoming a player after my first kiss, and now she's starting to say how she has a new theory about the rest of my life. Her new theory being that I will get tired of being scared of men, that I will unwillingly become lesbian. Not only is that the most ridiculous stupid thing to say, but that's actually really mean. She doesn't want me to break out of my shell anymore, she's just excepting the fact that I am going to live in this shell forever. She doesn't believe in me anymore, which is really not a... Best friend-y thing to do.
I might be wrong about this, and this might be some hidden jealousy for her situation speaking in my name, but I feel like ever since she got a boyfriend, about a year ago, she slowly starts feeling more and more like she has it better than me, like my way is wrong, and maybe even a little like she is superior to me. And that hurts. I don't want to feel like my friend, one of my best, lost faith in me. That beats the purpose of being a best friend.
Big Guy hasn't really contacted me since that phone call a few days ago, which made me realize how beautifully naive I was to think he wants me just because of what he said, probably jokingly, and that phone call that was possibly only so that he could ask a question about biology, and nothing more.
Mr. Guy on the other hand has been acting weird. You know how I said he paid me no attention the day I got the call from Big Guy? Like he intensionally ignored me the moment he found out that I know it was he who gave Big Guy my number. The days later he was acting completely different.
He kept bugging me, and touching me, and being playful, and pushing and tormenting.. Like some kind of courtship that I might be hallucinating. He kept teasing, and looking for attention, seems like especially physical.
Yesterday he saw me crying. There was a man who had lost his son, and in the background a song was playing, by a guy that died soon after writing the song saying how he can't stop thinking about his father saying "If something ever happens to you, I have no other reason to live", and I saw that man's pain, and his face contorted with tears. I saw his heart breaking in front of me and could do nothing about it. And when I see another person crying, especially this hard, and this heartbreakingly, I cry.
Mr. Guy was stunned. I don't tend to display many emotions around guys, especially if I have feelings for them, because it's some kind of defenses I put up, I guess. Many people say I remind them of Daria from the Nickelodeon show Daria. Not because I look like her, at all, but more so because I don't shine through like someone that gives a shit too often. He was shocked to see me cry, and I was bawling my eyes out for this man. He said "I didn't think you had it in you".
I don't know what's gotten into me again. How come all this makes me forget how much of a jerk he is some times. How come all of his mistakes disappear, and mean absolutely nothing when he looks at me with his blue eyes. I just melt looking into them.
I swear he's just a piece of cow poo, but then he looks me in the eyes with his mischievous smile, and I melt away forgetting how big of a bum he is. And he calls me queen bee and I look at him trying to look angry, like I don't like that he calls me that at all, but then I see his smile, and my frown is contorted into a smile.
Dear Mr. Guy, if only you knew what power your eyes have over me, that they made me start craving you all over again, even though you are such an unfitting match for me, I wonder what you'd do. Would you even care? Would that matter to you? Would you just try to use me like all the other girls you've been with or would you actually give a crap about me and my values, and respect them? Or maybe would you just be grossed out?
I wish I had an ability to read his thoughts only. I don't care what anybody else thinks about me, not really. Just him. To know. I don't think I would ever change who I am, even if I knew he wants me and the only thing separating between us is one small flaw I have, because even if I give a crap, I really do like the person that I am, and I work by my values, but maybe just a hint to know whether this is completely useless.
Thanks again for reading this nonsense, hope you come back for some more nonsense soon. XOXO Roni J. 

"'Cause, blue eyes, you're the secret I keep"

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