July Flew By

And so did the rest of this summer. I can't believe that in two weeks I'll be heading to college to start the rest of my life. So far away from everything that I know, and love. So far away from everything that's familiar and home to me.
I will be beginning this year far away from home, in the dorm room with two to three new girls that I barely even know. I will have to get used to their faults and their flaws, and will have to fit my flaws, and my faults to them. And after all this hard work, when I get back home once every two weeks for the weekend, when I'm tired, and just need to rely on something comfortable and familiar, my momma is not going to be here.
I have said goodbye to my momma after a two week long journey with both my parents in the entirety of Norway, which is one of the most insanely beautiful spectacular places I have ever been to. It was incredible for both the beautiful landscapes of waterfalls, and lakes, and fjords, and just water in general. God, they have so freaking much water it's not even funny, but also for the beautiful cities they have there like Oslo, Bergen, and Alesund, every single one of which is unique for its own reasons, and its architecture, which you must know is one of my favorite things in the world, and one of the things I find the most beautiful to see in different cities and countries. Some of my favorite places include the beautiful Viking Museum in the outskirts of Oslo. I am usually not a museum person at all, but those freaking Viking ships are freaking incredible. Such elegant woodwork was done on these ships with so many decorative intricate detailing that I almost peed my pants out of pure joy. Another lovely lovely place was the city of Bergen, which is all the way out in the west of Norway, and the old pier that they have restored and placed some stores in. It's just so goddamn beautiful. I also found this adorable freaking cafe in a street called Lille Ovregaten, that's both a cafe and a book store. So beautifully designed, really good coffee, amazing baked goods, some homely, amazing smell of cinnamon, spices, and coffee. If you ever pass by Bergen by any chance, just run there. It's inspired me to want to open a similar place in the future maybe. Making people fall back in love with books, music, and the small beautiful things in life. There's also a very good restaurant called Zupperia in Bergen that makes amazing soup dishes that are so freaking big, and so freaking tasty and heart warming on a rainy day. I have never in my life tasted a clam chowder so delicious.
Alesund is another beautiful city all made out of stone buildings because of a fire that burnt the city down to the ground. Not only is the architecture absolutely beautiful, but they have amazing fish and chips, an adorable glass workshop, and and an amazing little antique shop I spent hours in by the beautiful pier. And the beautiful way between those cities spread like a web of incredible waterfalls, streams, lakes, and fjords. I know I have possibly said beautiful in the past few sentences more than ever in my life all together, but that country is astonishing, remarkably unique and pleasant.
And then we parted ways with my momma. And I didn't cry then, and even though it's choking me up a little right now, thinking about how much I miss her, and need her, and feel like telling her every single thing that's been going on in my life, I just won't. I can't afford to break down so easily.a
Good thing I've been keeping busy in the two weeks since I've come back. Firstly, I've been working as a secretary at my dad's office, and every night since I have been going out, tiring myself out to the max, trying to fit as much in with my friends before all of us leave for college in our different paths.
We went camping this weekend on the beach, and I have come really close with a guy that was in my grade, but we never really spoke too much, and then on Thursday during the little camping trip we just stayed up the entire night, literally the entire night, talking, and he told me about his trip to Greece that he went on with his group of friends a few weeks later than we did, and about his first time, and I told I haven't had my first time, and never even been kissed, and he listened to me like no other straight guy before him. I told him about my stupidity and humiliation with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, and he just didn't even judge. By the way, I saw Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome last night walking in the street, when we passed by in a car, and he looked amazing, and I just reminded myself of how freaking stupid I am.
This morning, though, two of my very good friends left for college, which is yet another goodbye to have said, and then my dad drove out of town to my extended family, and I came back home, and it's all quiet, and dark, and empty. And for the first time since Norway, since saying goodbye to momma, I have time to think. To process my goodbyes, to think about the scary future that I don't know anything about, those eerie moments that I will have, wanting to come back home to momma, and she's far away, and I can't talk to her because of my stupid busy schedule, and my friends leaving, and my stupidity and my cowardice with boys, and all of a sudden after letting it out now, and talking about some of it has broken my promise earlier not to cry. And I'm choking back tears, but they won't listen and stay down, they just fill my eyes until they burn, and there's no way to get rid of that sting besides blinking those tears away.

"Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox years, always a bigger bed to crawl into? 
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?"

SO, if we choke back the tears and talk about some of the things I have loved the month of July that has long been gone, and flew by without me even letting it go. I held onto it's wings tight, I promise, but it didn't care at all, it just took off without noticing the dead weight I was imposing on it in order for it to linger.
Song:
The Girl Running duet by Passenger ft. Jess Chalker. I don't know what about this song, maybe the first verse and the last verse, make me think of the loss of innocence and childhood, which, as you might have been able to see was pretty much the theme of this month, fuck, it's been the main topic this entire year.







Artist:

Bon Iver. He's always been a favorite, but playing his beautiful songs while driving across the beautiful landscapes of Norway was an incredible experience. The pure meaning of joy and serenity to me is waking up from sleep in the back seat, grab an apple, with my parent, passing incredible views, and having songs like towers play in the background.




Make Up Item:
See Sheer by Mac is a beautiful sheer peachy pink color. I bought it new during the month of July at the airport's Duty Free. It's as nude as I can go without looking like someone shot me. I love it because it's light, and not intense, but adds a little bit of color to the face. It's a Lustre finish meaning it looks wet and smooth on the lips, but it's not glossy or sticky. It's slightly rosy, slightly coral, but it's absolutely beautiful. I love it. It's also soft on the lips.

Deodorant:
Dove's Go Fresh, which smells like cucumber and mint, and just kept me fresh this entire months running errands, partying, tanning, and so on. It's just very comfortable, and the smell isn't too perfume-y, but lingers, which makes it perfect for keeping me fresh in this "deafening heat" as they say in The Girl Running.

Perfume:
Number 8 by Abercrombie and Fitch. I FINALLY got my hands on a new bottle after ages of living a sad sad life without it. It can be used by both sexes and smell just as lovely and fitting for either sex. It's clean, but not soap-like smelling which is good for me for staying fresh smelling during the summer. It's also a little sexy, dew to it's spices and ginger tones, but floral. And listen to the weird part, it has jasmine petal tones to it, which is my most hated scent ever, but it smells so good, I honestly can't even detect the strong scent of jasmine.

Shows:
Baby Daddy and Melissa and Joey are back! I just watch the new season like a junkie. My comic relief.
I have also started watching Suburgatory. Delirious.

Books:
I have just finished Pretties and proceeded on to Specials, but these books honestly don't get old. They just keep me on my toes and surprise me every freaking time. I think I'm going to cry when I finish Extras. But hey I've got Eve's second book that came out in April when I was still reading Divergent and Insurgent and stuff, and for some reason I had started Uglies before I read it, and I have the Maze Runner at hand, so I will be filled up to the brim with good books. I am a slow reader as you might have noticed, because I like to read when I'm calm, so I read in Norway a boat load, but I haven't since, because I was stressed out and tired.

Hope you're all having a lovely summer, or winter, if you're in the southern part of the equator! Loves you all, and thanks for being there and letting me take out everything I don't dare say on the outside, even if you don't even care about all my nonsense. XOXO Roni J.
By the way the first picture is from the way from one  city to another on a ferry, the second and third are from Bergen on the old pier, the third and fifth are again on the way from one city to another, and the fourth photo is from Alesund. Hope you enjoyed my little journey in pictures!

Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.

Birthday Blues

Hello hello darlings.
I know I haven't been writing as much as I had hoped for, but things are quite hard to do, when literally every weekend this month I'm in a different place, and the weekends are usually when I have the time to dedicate to writing.
I wanna say that a lot has changed since the very beginning of this brand new year 2013, but in all honesty, and I try to be as honest as I can on here, nothing has changed.
What has happened since to make me think that something should have changed? The dear guy I liked just before this current one and I have gotten fairly close as friends, at which point he realized he might know the guy I like. I don't want him to know, but he's been insistent on finding out who the guy is, quite the curious case if you ask me. He's been trying to find out through a friend, and I don't know if I should tell him. He could really be hurt by me not trusting him with this and I do care about him, and about our quite fresh-out-of-the-oven, newborn of a friendship. Plus he could maybe help seeing as they are aquatinted, and share quite a few friends. On the other hand it could be a complete disaster to tell him. He could make it super awkward and even tell him, which could just make me want to dig a hole in the ground and lie in it forever more. So what do you do when you really want to give your trust to a person, but are terrified, and have quite a lot to lose? What would you do?
The first weekend I saw a thing I planned for quite some time, quite the event, play before my eyes. I think it was rather successful, but who's to tell? Mr. Guy was there, it was on Saturday. The Friday just beforehand there was a big party I didn't attend, because it's at a club I generally despise. He then asked me "you weren't there were you?" I replied, but it bothered me to know if he had honestly cared whether I was there or not, or was it another reason that he had asked this for. He asked me to sit next to him, and we had a little talk. It was nice.
This weekend, this past one, we went on a little overnight stay with that same group of friends that we went on the trip with just a month ago (him included). We sure had a good time. Not just because of him, not at all, but the entire population of people, with some new ones that weren't there last time, was just good company. We played some childhood games during which I fell because who am I without a few bruises? I don't know if it is because he's a genuinely good person or if it's 'cause he cares about me a smidge more than he cares about other people, but those two times I fell on my dear trusty booty he came running to me, hugged me from the back, placed his head on my shoulder and whispered "are you alright?" into my ear. Those moments when my heart literally melts, and can be later seen leaving red blood stain on the floor. No, it wasn't the fall, or my aching bum, nor were they the scratches that were left from the stones I glided on. It was he who made those stains. Yeah... I don't know why I wrote it aloud. I probably shouldn't have. I kinda gross myself out sometimes lately. Anywho... The highlight of his odd yet fuzz making behavior was when he touched my neck as if to massage it, and I told him "stop, I get chills when someone touches my neck", to which he then replied "so what happens if someone kisses your neck?" HELLLO THERE MR. SEXY PANTS. Yet again grossing myself out. I don't know if he meant it, because... Maybe it was just a random comment. It happens to strange people like him. But maybe just maybe he wants me to get chills because of him, and that is the reason he hasn't actually stopped touching my neck even after I told him that? The morning after that we went to an ice-skating rink. Despite the fact that it was freezing, it was so much fun! I missed skating. I haven't skated in about 3 and a half years, and I absolutely love it. It feels like it's my place; an ice rink for the ice queen... Kidding. He kept coming and holding my hand on the ice or appearing out of nowhere behind me, and hugging me, which almost made me piss myself of fear, but I came out alright, maybe a little more than alright.
And then yesterday we went out a group of friends. Most of them were drinking, 'cause that's what teenagers do these days. I didn't though. I don't find pleasure in gulping something that tastes like this kiss of death and acetone, and acting stupid after it. He was there, and he was drinking beer. Legitimate. He really wanted me to drink making me think it over too hard, and think he might want me to loosen up a little, but that's probably a big fat lie to myself. He was standing next to me and then asked where two girls disappeared to, and I don't know why, but I replied to that flirtatiously (why then? stupid!). He then smiled at me sweetly and stroked my cheek for no reason. Good thing my heart beats don't have a microphone attached to them, because he would have easily figure out I just want him sooo bad. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I just don't know what he's thinking.
This weekend I'm going to see the college I will be attending next year. Hopeful that it's what I had imagined it being. There are amazing reviews about the program I'm going into (this leadership program), which makes me excited. It's a bit different to what all my friends are going to do, but it's interesting and it sounds a lot like me. I would love to be some kind of leader, even if around the people I'm surrounded with. A good one.
Other than that this month of January is always hard on me. It's my birthday month and with it come the "Birthday Blues". The kind of blues that settle down when you realize there is so much more you wanted to accomplish before you got to this age, but nothing has changed since last year. Last year I said to myself I gotta have a boyfriend before I'm 18, and look at it- 18 and still in the running. It's that kind of not shocking, very expected self criticism. Why couldn't you do better? Why are you still where you were this time a year ago? I surely will get out of it soon, and start loving my life all over again, because I have quite the loveliest life. I have a lot to thank God, my family, my friends, and this world for. I have the best of people around me, loving me. I have a roof over my head, and a fresh cooked meal everyday. And all those little things we usually never thank anyone for like... The ability to write down all this crap. I hope to be writing down some more fashionable things in the near future along with some news of the things I keep wanting to accomplish.
I love you all! Hope you have a great beginning to your year, and that you remember we all have so much to be happy for. <3 Roni J.

Off I Go

Hey there!
How is everybody? Me? I'm doing great. I miss my parents who are on vacation very much, and there's literally nobody home, but I, myself, am flying out tonight with my friends on a delegation. Yes, I know it's been about two months only since my last time ad that these are crazy a splurges, but that's why I'm not yet learning to drive. I find that I care about opportunities like these more than I care about driving as of now.
I'm packed already with the fines of my winters clothes that have been praying to break out of their dusty spots in my closet. It has even started raining outside which is just lovely.
Last night we went to a party. It was loads of fun we found a 100 bill so we could pay for the way back home with it which was awesome. We danced until our backs and feet were throbbing. A few of my new guy friends danced with us, and this made me really glad that I gave up trying to fit in with another group of guy friends last year. This seems to be the right choice as they wouldn't even say hi to me yesterday and the new group were so sweet and danced with us and stuff. This goes to show how much I've changed in order to be myself.
The guy I've told you about a few posts back then tries to say hi to me exactly when I turned around which then resulted in me seeming like I didn't want to say hi to him which we all know couldn't be more false, and he pretended to be offended which I, then, didn't know why. That is until my friend told me what had just happened. On one hand I feel bad for not saying hi. On the other hand it feels really good to know he noticed me more than he had noticed any one of the other girls. On the very last hand, though, he was drunk I'm afraid. Now I am not delusive. I know that most guys these days drink and smoke. He doesn't smoke which is already an up side, but I still am hoping to find someone who's both attractive to me, yet doesn't fool around with these things which to me seem absolutely (haha name of alcoholic beverage) pointless and stupid but who am I to judge. I haven't yet come close to even kiss a guy because I'm so idealistic, a fact of which I'm proud of at times, but also prevented me this far from having a romantic relationship with someone who's really attractive to me.
Here's the big fight I have with myself basically every day. Should I give up my far high standards and maybe get to be with a guy who I'm attracted to or should I fight for my morals so I don't regret giving them up, but feel like maybe I've missed out on being with someone that's really great. As of now, sticking with my morals has been picked over and over considering I'm a big fat fried chicken so even if I gave up my morals I probably wouldn't have done anything as well as seeing that if I gave up my morals I really wouldn't bid someone that great. To be great he has to withstand my standards.
Hope this wasn't too much of a blabber. Talk to you as soon as I get back.
XOXO Roni J.