Looking For You Again

Hello girls,
how are you? I hope you're doing well.
There was a big party this week. It took place in a club I usually avoid, because in the two previous times I had visited it, my friends got really drunk, and I basically had to be their babysitter the entire night, which is anything but fun, especially when you don't get paid for it, and moreover when you pay quite a large amount of money to get in.
So this time my friends took it down a notch. Most of them didn't drink at all, and those who did, really took care of themselves. I've heard it once that you should drink to be happier, and not to be happy, and I completely agree with it. Because when you drink in order to boost your self esteem, you drink to be a slut, and drink to be happy, the only thing that happens is that you lose all control over the amount of alcohol you pour into your mouth, and end up with all the flaws that you've been trying to hide by drinking, out like all of your dirty laundry. Anyways this isn't a post about my opinions of drinking and alcohol, so I'll go on.
The thing is that when my friends don't drink I find myself having way more fun instead of worrying about them all the time. My dad even noticed it. When he asked me how the party was the next day, and I answered I had a lot of fun, he immediately said "this can mean either one of two things. Either you got drunk, or nobody else got drunk". What can I say? My dad just knows me far too well.
The club we went to is a huge building, and when you walk in there's a room downstairs playing house music, and when you go upstairs it's mostly hip hop and rap music, which our groups of friends prefers in general. So we went upstairs.
My good good friend that we'll call Tiny met up with her boyfriend, whom we'll name Tony, and we didn't want to lose her in the huge club so our group stayed quite close to Tony's group of friends. Big Guy, if you remember him from the past, is in Tony's group of friends, so while dancing we were always close to him.
Me, when I dance, I really don't give much of a crap who sees me, and what they might think of me, and I just let loose, which is part of why I don't need to drink. I just go nuts naturally. And that night especially I decided I'm going to act drunk and high naturally, just really be happy and cheerful, and give off good vibes. And so we were dancing and stuff, and for a moment I thought I saw Big Guy's big blue eyes looking at me, but I wasn't sure if it was because I really saw him looking or because I wanted him to look, which I did, because he is one fine man. And this happened a couple of times throughout the night, but I really wasn't sure about any of it at all. Anyways we'll get back to that in the end.
Either way, I kept looking for Mr. Guy all the time. In clubs it's the worst, because I always feel the need to have him see me looking great. That night, let me tell you, I was looking especially dashing. I just kept looking. As if the moment that he sees me will be the moment when he falls in love with me like I was some Disney princess or some shit.
When I was already certain that Mr. Guy hadn't shown up for the party we went downstairs to the entrance area outside to breathe some air, because it was freaking flaming inside. So we walk outside me, and two other friends, and they spot Mr. Guy, and because they are much closer to him than I am ever going to be, they walk up to him and say "hi", and at first he pays me no attention at all mostly because he's too drunk and I'm standing behind them, using them as a human shield from him. And then he realizes I'm there and say "hi Roni!" very excitedly for some reason, and then gets really close to me, and I look up at him big eyed not really knowing what to say, and he's reallllly close by then, almost too close. And I just stare at him starstruck or something, because I am looking into his big blue eyes not really knowing what to do. As you might have been able to guess, I am weak when it comes to big blue eyes. And then he asks me "Roni, did you drink?" with a mockingly surprised voice, and I say "no, no I didn't", and he says "I think you did". Apparently, I act the part very well without even drinking. So we turn around to leave, and we stop for some reason for a second, and then he places his hand on my lower back, and I just push him off really pissed off like, seriously? No.
So we go back upstairs and I dance a little more feeling like I might have Big Guy's eyes on me, and I let the tension wear off. We then think about leaving, because it's already really late, and we go downstairs to check it out, me and two different friends to the ones from before, and we dance together, and this tall guy who's not especially attractive tries hitting on me, but I kind of reject him gently. And then Mr. Guy arrives, and starts dancing with us. And I'm thinking to myself  ugh no.. And I take the guy who's hitting on me and I start dancing with him trying to push Mr. Guy away from us. He sees us dancing and goes off to dance somewhere else. Then the tall guy that I'm dancing with tries to kiss me, and I just push him back, later encountering with Mr. Guy's eyes, seeing him smile at the fact I pushed the other guy off, and I'm a little pissed, but I decide I just want to dance a little more, and go back home, and think of all the good things rather than focus on stupid Mr. Guy.
We drive back, and I go to sleep at Tiny's house, and when we're going downstairs to her house I ask her, kind of jokingly not expecting anything "hey did you notice that Big Guy was looking at me", and she says "I'm not the only one that has. Even Tony has noticed it". You might not realize how much this means coming from Tony, but I find him to be the most honest guy I know, so him saying this means that he actually noticed something. I then ask her "what do you mean by 'even Tony has..?'", and she says "when Tony and I were sitting for a while, talking, he said 'is there anything going on between Big Guy and Roni?', and I said 'no why?', and Tony said he's seen you guys exchanging looks the entire night", and I was shocked, and weirdly really happy.
I mean, it might mean nothing about me and Big Guy, because I don't know if it was a once in a life time kind of look, and I think that if he had really really wanted me he would have made a move then and there, but then again, after all the bad self esteem, and all the sadness I've been feeling because of Mr. Guy, I just think that boost of confidence is more than enough.
Yesterday, in a completely different situation, Mr. Guy offered me a ride, and I thought about it, and I thought this will only get me back to thinking about him, and I really shouldn't go back there, so I just refused it gently.
I hope this was mildly an interesting update. Love you all, XOXO Roni J.

What The Fudge?!

Want me to tell you about the weirdest night of my life?! No? Well, I really don't give much of a fudge so I shall tell you anyways.
Just a few hours ago I found myself in the middle of a parking lot very late at night. A girl two years younger than I am being sick all over herself, all over my friend's car, and all over Mr. Guy, who's surprisingly being the responsible adult in charge, and a total gentleman holding her hair up for her while she's sick. And the entire class of '13 watching from the sidelines, except for a few guys that volunteer for the Red Cross and tried helping her in positioning her and keeping her hydrated. Me included; I was watching from afar as if she were a sad clown at a circus that came from a far away land, in which the culture had nothing to do with my own. People just ran back and forth carrying car parts that had sick all over them to wash in a nearby yard of some abandoned house, including Mr. Guy, again acting like the responsible adult, and like a total gentleman. How did we get there?! Well, this is it from my point of view.
Class trip 2013, about a week ago, during a great, amazing, awesome party. It was literally great. The energy was so high up, and, although most people had a few (not so few) drink (at all), most of my friends, surprisingly enough, didn't drink at all, and yet we all came out thinking it was the best party we've been in in a long time. We all had so much fun. The setting on the beach at night was so perfect, as we got a little far from the desert and inched towards the ocean for that night. It was windy enough, but not cold. It was't humid a single bit like it is back home. And all of a sudden, the wind carried whispers about an odd pairing in our grade. Mr. Guy, and a very desperate girl, who shall be named Miss Sunshine, for the sake of this post only, I shall hope, and for reasons who shall be kept secret for my ears only, walked hand in hand towards the shore, which was the far end of the club we were in. Whispers like "she's been all over him for months, maybe he's finally giving in even though she's ugly" reached my ears, but me, having my eyes set on Mr. Perfect, and Mr. Guy at the same time, didn't take it to heart much, because I wasn't too into the story (even when Mr. Perfect himself had his heart broken by another girl that very party). I also didn't care much about those rumors, because I know this girl a little better than most people that talked about her like that because we were on the same delegation, and although she might be a little desperate, she's a sweet girl, and if they care for each other, than all hale Mr. Guy and Miss Sunshine.
I was kinda tired of all the things boy related until a very weird thing had occurred with Mr. Guy. On the last night the school had decided that we'll sleep in huge tents- one for the boys and another for the girls. Before heading to the showers that were there, I had taken a walk with a friend of mine to catch up seeing as we haven't talked in a long time, and she had a few things to tell me. As we walk out of our own tent, where we had placed our stuff, Mr. Guy walks out of the boys' tent and asks me a question I have no answer to. I then told him that I was freezing, because the desert nights will freeze you booty off. A second later, as if synchronized, we both tug at each others' sweatshirts, pulling each other close into a very deep, very long hug. He put his hand in my hair pulling me even closer, and we were just standing there for, literally, two minutes while my friend's waiting for me, and while  his friend is waiting for him. Just standing there, breathing in and out. My friend then proceeded to look at me weird. And I felt weird enough about that hug even without her looking at me funny. That odd feeling spread across my face in the shape of a warm, blushing smile the entire night. That is until I saw him sitting with Miss Sunshine all cuddled up together.
Come yesterday night we go out sitting with a group of a few people, comprising of Mr. Guy, Miss Sick who tagged along for no apparent reason, myself, and many more. We sit there talking, and some how when Miss Sick gets drunk stupid, and then drunk sad, people say that she's drinking so much to grab Mr. Guy's attention. Obviously, the curious person that I am, I had to ask, having absolutely no personal interest in the matter whatsoever. They say that she's been in love with him since last year when she was a Freshman and he was a Senior. She has written him on Facebook all the time, and he, being the playaaa that he is and the manly man that he is, didn't really put her off. Then we get many many texts in our groups on WhatsApp talking about how Miss Sunshine and Mr. Guy might have been together on the party this passing Friday. I know Miss Sunshine didn't really give it to him, because she said so herself, and we are friends, even though she can come across as a smidge desperate. So then Miss Sick's friend takes her to the side, and they disappear for a while, and Mr. Guy goes in to check on them. A half hour later we go there on the way home, and realize that she's been sick all over herself, almost lost consciousness, and a few guys from my grade that happened to be there with the rest of my grade that didn't come with us, but went on their own to the very same place, giving her first aid, trying to help her. And that's after she's already  been sick in my friend's car, a friend who wanted to take her home.
I then realize that Miss Sick over heard all the people laughing at Mr. Guy and Miss Sunshine's supposed affair, and got jealous. That's the reason why her friend texted Mr. guy to come help her with Miss Sick, and that is the reason he felt obligated to help her. Actually, no, that was a complete lie. I did not realize it then.
What did happen is that today I spoke to him for hours and hours. I started a conversation telling him it was sweet and gentleman-like of him to help her like this, and hold her hair away from her face and all. Then again we went on and on talking about many other things. Many of them were him complimenting me, and being all sweet. Later on my friends come over, and my friend talks to me about last night saying how she's pissed at him for playing Miss Sick like that, and that was weird, because that friend of mine has always been very loving towards him, and she's really good friends with him. And she was mad at him for saying that he's doesn't want to play girls like this anymore, and he's looking for something different. "Different my ass" were her words.
THAT was when I realized what happened. And that was the moment I realized I've been acting just as stupid as Miss Sick, letting him play me like he actually cares. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that that friend of mine (she's not single if you thought she likes him or anything. She actually really wanted us to e together this entire time) is a really good friend to the both of us, and that if she tells me something like this then:
a. She's not lying
b. He probably is the one who told her, which makes it rather truthful, more than the rumors about Miss Sunshine and him, that is.
I've been played. Over all before Miss Sick got terribly sick, the night was really great. I had a few nice bonding moments with all sorts of people that I haven't a chance to talk to much, or at all in the past.
This is a song he sent me today while playing me. I quite like it, so at least we've found a new song we didn't know about it. There always is a bright side :)

Sorry I have been a little MIA. Talk soon. XOXO Roni J.

The Perfect Guide To The Perfect Valentineless Day

Hello girls! How are we?
 Well, this week is Valentine's day. Now there are two reasons you might know this. Either you're preparing to buy some sweet present for your valentine, planning a sweet date and thinking about the perfect date, or you're like me and you don't have a valentine, and worse, you're being reminded of how much you don't have a valentine right now, more than any other day. Instead of being Valentine's day, for me, and I know that for plenty other people, this is a reminder of how freaking lonely we are on that date. To me it has become Valentinless day a long time ago.
Now I would like to give pointers for the perfect date, and the the perfect date outfit, and relationship advice, but I would be a hypocrite. Why? Because I know best how to celebrate this miserable Valentineless day. I have celebrated this day 18 times in a row, not once did I spend it with a valentine of mine, and if we want to get really into details, I have actually celebrated it three times each year: the western Valentine's day, the Jewish, and the Chinese that are usually around the summer. If we sum it up quickly it has been: 18 western+17 Jewish+17 Chinese= all in all 52 Valentine's days alone.
Now, this ain't a story about my miserable love life. It is miserable, but that's not the point. I thought that since I have so many years of experience, some good some bad, I will share my perfect guide to a perfect Valentineless day:
Step one- best to not spend it alone even if not with a valentine. Result to spend it with some more single friends, preferably in a group so that you don't feel forever alone. If not in a group try to find one single friend at least, and if not, spend the day with a family member, which could turn out great. Don't be afraid of being alone, nonetheless, as long as you know you won't end up bawling about how miserable you are. There are plenty of things you can do alone to feel good on the day. Try your best not to make plans with people that will cancel last minute. It sucks even worse on Valentine's day.
Step two- pamper yourself as if you have some really important person to meet. So what if it's just you?! You are just as important as any love object you might fid because loving yourself is indeed the most important part. Take a bath, a bubble bath, with a book, a glass of red wine and maybe some candles in the side, preferably have your favorite cheerful music playing in the background. Paint your nails in a nice cheerful color, or any favorite color that would make you feel nice. Dress up. More is more tonight! Especially if you're not going to go in public. Put on make up that your favorite YouTube guru taught you how to put, do your hair, and then go on with your plans.
Step three- the plans. Go eat, make dinner, watch a movie in or out, shopping maybe, a good book if alone. Don't read or watch sappy romantic crap- it doesn't give hope it just makes you feel more miserable.
Step four- sleep a lot. Because you have time. Be happy you don't have to stress over impressing a guy or girl, or over the disappointment that guy or girl might cause you during the day. Just enjoy yourselves.
Step five- spread love. You can do so much by showing others love. No matter if those with whom you share love are lover, relatives, friends, or complete strangers. Take this as a chance to show real gratitude to the people who love you all year, and to random people, who might as well feel just as lonely as you might have hadn't you read this guide before. Remember: all we all really need is love. Whether it's love that comes from outside or inside. If you show people your love for them you can help them, too.

Step six- if you're me, just let the school solve your problem, and take you on your last ever class trip. This time we'll be owning the desert, because there's no better place to be alone with your thoughts than the desert. See you (or rather... not see you?) in four days!
Hope you all have a lovely-loveful Valentine's or Valentineless day. It doesn't really matter whether it's love for a lover, a friend, a family member, or yourself. XOXO Roni J.