Monday, July 14, 2014

I'm Scared

Sorry, let's rewind and explain.
There's a certain frustration in fear. That thwarting feeling kicks in especially when you're missing out on stuff you might want. The apprehension has a way of holding you back from things you know could be good for you, and even life changing, and you just scream on the inside, trying to fight it, but it doesn't go away. You're wanting to take that leap, dive in, but some invisible iron chords are tugging and pulling you, preventing you from getting where you want to get, or being who you want to be.
These past two weeks Mr. Danger had a summer break, and he was home the entire time. We just didn't meet up. No one made the move. Saturday was his last day home, and I tried a couple times to make plans with him, because we have to talk things over, no matter what decision we make, but these decisions never played out.
I was so ready to end it already. I mean if we have two whole weeks to see each other, and neither one of us makes the effort to make it happen, how will it turn to be when we're both in college, busy, and barely seeing each other once a week, if not less? I was thinking that it's just us dragging it, because we both care a lot about each other, but there is really no point in it. We're both in this gray unknown area we can't get out of, that's holding us back.
So around 7 pm on Saturday when I saw this wasn't going to happen I asked him if he's got time later on that night. It took him time to reply, and he said he does have time, but only later that night. I was OK with the late hour, because I have to be absolutely NOWHERE, but considering he had to drive back really early to college the next morning in order to get to class, it was fairly odd, but fine. Who cares? It's not going to take much time I just have to end it the way I planned it. Like I prepared myself; it's not working out; we're both scared; we can't work this out; that we were more like a couple before we kissed, before we started being uncomfortable, and timid around each other.
And then he asked me where I want to go, and I said I don't know, and he said fine I have an idea. I asked him where we're going, and he said it was a surprise, which made me feel like he does care, and made me scared to blow it up in his face, and say it's not working out.
He came to pick me up around midnight, and we greeted each other bashfully. *IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE* I've known Mr. Danger for years now, I know him well, and I know he would never do anything to cause me any harm (contrary to his nickname). I DO NOT suggest that any girl drives off into the night with a guy she's not absolutely a 100% familiar with, and 100% familiar with his intentions. That IS dangerous. Safety comes FIRST! We then drove off. We talked about random things in the car, and then we got to a place called the "End of the World". It's a dead end of a street overlooking the view of the whole city from the mountain top, and you can see all the way to the harbor, and the little glowing lights of boats. 
We sat down and gone on talking and rambling about our lives to each other. Everything we missed out on all this time that our talks have been vacant and shallow, and all this time we haven't seen each other or acted like complete strangers when we did. His family, my family, his friends, my friends, politics, college, changes; more and more words kept pouring out of our mouths. I started getting a feeling that I might not want to end it, that I really missed just talking to him, and that I could talk to him about the most ridiculous topics, but at the same time I could talk to him about the most serious of subjects. 
It started to feel like it had before we kissed. Maybe even the same as the night of the kiss, when we sat down on the sand at the beach after one too many beers, and talked for two hours about everything and nothing at the same time, and then he kissed me. Just like that, we sat there for around 3 hours talking about everything yet nothing, in the "End of the World", overlooking the ocean, nothing touching but our knees brushing up against each other ever so slightly. We both looked at my cellphone to find that it's 3 am, and that he's got to wake up super early. Reality check.
And all at once silence fell upon us. Not that we couldn't go on talking about stupid stuff for the rest of the night, but there was really no need. "Can we stop being shy assholes?" he then asked, and like waking up from a dream, reality kicked in and I rallied. Literally rallied, and assembled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, lowering my head. It took me by complete surprise, although it shouldn't have at all, and I started stuttering and stammering, muffling words under my breath. Thinking that I am the shyest person I know, and the biggest asshole.
It was half silent, and half awkward muffles coming out of both our mouths, until he pleaded "please, let me end this awkward moment", and coaxed my face, holding it in both hands, to look directly at his, really up close, eyes set directly on his, lips parallel to his. I just... lowered my head, and looked down.
Somehow I managed to make the most awkward of moments, even more awkward. "I can't believe this..." he muttered under his breath. I can't either, I thought to myself. I apologized. I said that's how I am when it comes to these things, and that this is the reason I warned him when we said we'd "try" this thing out, that's why I said he's about to suffer; I'm painfully shy. "You're not easy", he said and simpered dolefully. That's an understatement, I thought, and then said almost silently, "I'm formidable". Almost silently. He smiled at that. 
"Do you not want this?" he doubted himself aloud, and I couldn't help but feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I told him it doesn't have to do with him, thinking about an earlier failed relationship that I wrecked this year, because he tried to kiss me and I moved because I was scared. In both cases it wasn't lack of interest that pulled me away, but those same iron chords of fear and apprehension. "Am I that bad without the alcohol?" he wavered again, not understanding it's about me. "I am that bad without the alcohol", I replied. It pained me that I made him feel even more insecure about himself. As if he wasn't timid enough, I had to punch him in the gut and hurt his self esteem even more. I finally managed to form a clear coherent sentence, "If you're a shy asshole, I am twice, if not three times as big a shy asshole as you are. With alcohol it worked, because I wasn't as shy, nor was I as immense an asshole as I am usually". -"In two weeks' time, when I come back home, I'll take care of that". -"You don't have to take care of it", I said, "I need to". 
Not late after that we got up and he drove me home, because it was far too late for him. At least we communicated like humans, and it wasn't silent. But it seemed that I have agreed to make this agreement with him, this arrangement, that next time we see each other I will get wasted, and then I won't be this hard, I'll be easier. I know this is not what he meant in no way. As I've mentioned before he really is a good guy, and would never use me. If he would have wanted to use me, we were alone at night both times, and he could do it then, but he didn't. And no one would work this hard for a girl to get her to give it to him. But it made me feel like, for one thing, I can't control my fears, I can't face them and deal with them without the help of intoxicating substances, which is nothing I aspire to be. And it also makes this relationship ultra trashy, and that's not what I want it to become; not the relationship, and not myself.
I talked to my best guy friend the morning after, scared that I wrecked this relationship, just like the one before it, and that I pushed Mr. Danger way too far. My guy friend said that now that he understands that I'm THAT shy, he probably respects me more, and that he probably thinks that it's cute now that I finally wasn't a bitch about it, and that I talked openly about it. That he probably sees me as rare. By the way Mr. Danger took it, I mean, when he finally realized that it's not about him or even my feelings for him, but about my fear of intimacy, that seems to be true.
I don't know how I will handle the alcohol issue because I definitely don't want to be dependent on it to be able to do something as simple as kissing someone that I want to kiss, but I'm also afraid that I won't be able to and move away just the same as I did so many times in the past when guys tried to kiss me.I want to be able to face and conquer my fear. Just like when I conquered my fear of heights when I went rappelling earlier this year. I'll bite the bullet (not literally, because it's hard to kiss that way), and "just do it". I hope.
Love loads, XOXO Roni J.

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