Saturday, May 18, 2013

Looking For You Again

Hello girls,
how are you? I hope you're doing well.
There was a big party this week. It took place in a club I usually avoid, because in the two previous times I had visited it, my friends got really drunk, and I basically had to be their babysitter the entire night, which is anything but fun, especially when you don't get paid for it, and moreover when you pay quite a large amount of money to get in.
So this time my friends took it down a notch. Most of them didn't drink at all, and those who did, really took care of themselves. I've heard it once that you should drink to be happier, and not to be happy, and I completely agree with it. Because when you drink in order to boost your self esteem, you drink to be a slut, and drink to be happy, the only thing that happens is that you lose all control over the amount of alcohol you pour into your mouth, and end up with all the flaws that you've been trying to hide by drinking, out like all of your dirty laundry. Anyways this isn't a post about my opinions of drinking and alcohol, so I'll go on.
The thing is that when my friends don't drink I find myself having way more fun instead of worrying about them all the time. My dad even noticed it. When he asked me how the party was the next day, and I answered I had a lot of fun, he immediately said "this can mean either one of two things. Either you got drunk, or nobody else got drunk". What can I say? My dad just knows me far too well.
The club we went to is a huge building, and when you walk in there's a room downstairs playing house music, and when you go upstairs it's mostly hip hop and rap music, which our groups of friends prefers in general. So we went upstairs.
My good good friend that we'll call Tiny met up with her boyfriend, whom we'll name Tony, and we didn't want to lose her in the huge club so our group stayed quite close to Tony's group of friends. Big Guy, if you remember him from the past, is in Tony's group of friends, so while dancing we were always close to him.
Me, when I dance, I really don't give much of a crap who sees me, and what they might think of me, and I just let loose, which is part of why I don't need to drink. I just go nuts naturally. And that night especially I decided I'm going to act drunk and high naturally, just really be happy and cheerful, and give off good vibes. And so we were dancing and stuff, and for a moment I thought I saw Big Guy's big blue eyes looking at me, but I wasn't sure if it was because I really saw him looking or because I wanted him to look, which I did, because he is one fine man. And this happened a couple of times throughout the night, but I really wasn't sure about any of it at all. Anyways we'll get back to that in the end.
Either way, I kept looking for Mr. Guy all the time. In clubs it's the worst, because I always feel the need to have him see me looking great. That night, let me tell you, I was looking especially dashing. I just kept looking. As if the moment that he sees me will be the moment when he falls in love with me like I was some Disney princess or some shit.
When I was already certain that Mr. Guy hadn't shown up for the party we went downstairs to the entrance area outside to breathe some air, because it was freaking flaming inside. So we walk outside me, and two other friends, and they spot Mr. Guy, and because they are much closer to him than I am ever going to be, they walk up to him and say "hi", and at first he pays me no attention at all mostly because he's too drunk and I'm standing behind them, using them as a human shield from him. And then he realizes I'm there and say "hi Roni!" very excitedly for some reason, and then gets really close to me, and I look up at him big eyed not really knowing what to say, and he's reallllly close by then, almost too close. And I just stare at him starstruck or something, because I am looking into his big blue eyes not really knowing what to do. As you might have been able to guess, I am weak when it comes to big blue eyes. And then he asks me "Roni, did you drink?" with a mockingly surprised voice, and I say "no, no I didn't", and he says "I think you did". Apparently, I act the part very well without even drinking. So we turn around to leave, and we stop for some reason for a second, and then he places his hand on my lower back, and I just push him off really pissed off like, seriously? No.
So we go back upstairs and I dance a little more feeling like I might have Big Guy's eyes on me, and I let the tension wear off. We then think about leaving, because it's already really late, and we go downstairs to check it out, me and two different friends to the ones from before, and we dance together, and this tall guy who's not especially attractive tries hitting on me, but I kind of reject him gently. And then Mr. Guy arrives, and starts dancing with us. And I'm thinking to myself  ugh no.. And I take the guy who's hitting on me and I start dancing with him trying to push Mr. Guy away from us. He sees us dancing and goes off to dance somewhere else. Then the tall guy that I'm dancing with tries to kiss me, and I just push him back, later encountering with Mr. Guy's eyes, seeing him smile at the fact I pushed the other guy off, and I'm a little pissed, but I decide I just want to dance a little more, and go back home, and think of all the good things rather than focus on stupid Mr. Guy.
We drive back, and I go to sleep at Tiny's house, and when we're going downstairs to her house I ask her, kind of jokingly not expecting anything "hey did you notice that Big Guy was looking at me", and she says "I'm not the only one that has. Even Tony has noticed it". You might not realize how much this means coming from Tony, but I find him to be the most honest guy I know, so him saying this means that he actually noticed something. I then ask her "what do you mean by 'even Tony has..?'", and she says "when Tony and I were sitting for a while, talking, he said 'is there anything going on between Big Guy and Roni?', and I said 'no why?', and Tony said he's seen you guys exchanging looks the entire night", and I was shocked, and weirdly really happy.
I mean, it might mean nothing about me and Big Guy, because I don't know if it was a once in a life time kind of look, and I think that if he had really really wanted me he would have made a move then and there, but then again, after all the bad self esteem, and all the sadness I've been feeling because of Mr. Guy, I just think that boost of confidence is more than enough.
Yesterday, in a completely different situation, Mr. Guy offered me a ride, and I thought about it, and I thought this will only get me back to thinking about him, and I really shouldn't go back there, so I just refused it gently.
I hope this was mildly an interesting update. Love you all, XOXO Roni J.

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