Friday, April 19, 2013


How are you? Me? Not too glamorous. Wondering why? It's quite an interesting story, if I may be completely unbiased.
The musical I had been working on the past month or two, played for the first and last time yesterday. It went fairly smoothly (even though I made a couple of mistakes on stage, but screw this, I ain't no professional), and the rehearsals beforehand were all a lot of fun, although nerve wrecking and tiring as heck. It was very rewarding being on stage and finally completing the whole thing from start to finish with a crowd dotted with people who care about you, and came to see you watching.
In the final song I started crying, because that's what I always do, and as I walk off stage Mr Guy shows up out of nowhere, and sees me crying, and he looks at me, and for a minute I think I might see some love in his eyes, but that's my dilusional self. He comes and hugs me for a quiet minute. There's so much noise in the background, so many people trying to get out of the big auditorium, but all I can hear is my stupid sobs on his freaking shoulder, and that's all I care about.
The after party, on the other hand, went down........Less than OK, at least on my behalf. I had such high expectations, wanting it to be a special, fun night, when I might even get to become brave and step out of my shell, but then again, the higher the hopes, the harder they fall, and these hopes, my sweet friend, came crashing down. Crashing down like a pilot flying a plane with flaming engines. So we walk in, and I'm having a good time. I am dancing, feeling hot because a lot of people complimented me on my looks yesterday, and mostly because I was looking good. I am looking for Mr. Guy, because, hey, obviously in order to have fun I need him around. Pffft, yea, of course, because that has proven itself right in the past. NOT. And I see the mother chucking bastard kissing another girl. Now, I am angry. I am angry not because he is to blame. God no. This guy has done nothing wrong to me in his life. I am the stupid one that knew this was going to happen in the after party and not my stupid hopes that he will be with me, and that we'll drive off into the sunset together, as if this were a freaking fairytale. I knew it was about to happen and I still hoped and wished and wanted him to pick me up and fly me to the moon. Idiot. And my heart cracked a little, but then he comes up to me like two minutes or so after I see him sucking face with that other girl, Miss Sunshine, if you remember what I'm talking about. He comes to me and puts one hand on my waist and the other cups my cheek, and he whispers to me "You look good. I love you", and kisses me on the cheek. Obviously he was a bit drunk, much like many more people in that after party. So you remember how I said he hasn't done anything bad to me his entire life? Yea let's rephrase that. He has never in his life done anything to intentionally hurt me. But then again when he says something like this to me right after I saw him kissing another girl.... What am I supposed to feel?
Am I supposed to feel sad? Scared? Crushed? Like my lungs are burning, because I am losing that glimpse of hope that I was still holding onto, wanting him to want me back so bad that I was willing to give parts of myself up?
Being the stupid, idiotic masochist that I am, I see them walking out of the club together, and I am so curious that I go out right behind them. When I reach the other side of the door I realize no parts of myself are ready to be handed over yet. I am not selfish enough. What I saw on the other side of the door was about half of the 120 something people that were supposed to be inside the club, outside, either drunk to almost death, or helping others through them being this drunk. One of these was a really good friend of mine, one of my best. I wasn't there when she drank, but I should have been, and I still blame myself for letting her, and another friend drink when I wasn't there, because I should have kept them safe. That's my job as a friend. Instead, they both almost lost consciousness. I took care of that friend and another friend that was right next to her, supposedly fine, that was crying hysterically telling me the only reason she's crying is because she's freaking out, but I'm telling you straight up, this girl was in over her head as well. Her head was spinning as well, and she was crying so hard in a way that, I swear, no one in their right, sober mind would ever cry. She bawled her eyes out uncontrollably. And I mean I, myself, was pretty stressed out, heck I was about to pee my pants, but I kept it together through adrenaline rush, because I knew they needed me. If she really was as sober as she claimed to be she would be full of adrenaline and not acting like a stupid idiot interrupting me while I try and help the other girl.
Truth is I did drink a little in the beginning of that evening. I am so very sorry I did. I made drinking legitimate and OK, when in reality it is everything besides that. To be honest I didn't even get the slightest bit drunk, and was faking my drunk behavior in the beginning just to get people off my back so that they stop trying to tell me to drink. I did. That's where it ends. I know I was sober because I didn't feel even the slightest bit dizzy, and when I saw my friends outside.. I sobered up instantly. So whatever did hit me, and made me feel like I was drunk or whatever, cleared up, and I was ready and geared for anything that people could have thrown at me.
In the end we decided to call her mother because it was above my abilities to help her and try and help the rest of my drunk friend, which I can honestly say was something I never thought I'd see to this degree. Today she woke up fine, but I still felt a pang of guilt in me.
When trying to help another friend that got back together with her freshly broken up two weeks ago ex, the one that she's been on and off with for 2 years already, it humiliated me how sick my friend sounds. It's the same one that thought she had cancer, thanks God she doesn't, but I mean a different kind of sick. For starters she got crazy drunk, blind- I am not going to remember any of this at all- kind of drunk. She got back together with her ex after saying how much of a douche he is (I, personally love him and he's one of my best guy friends), and how weak and spineless he has become. Then she starts crying when her mom arrives to take her home, as well, because she's throwing up and having a hard staying awake, and she starts saying things like "never leave me", "why did you leave me? Is it because I am fat and ugly?", and stuff like that when he literally has to pull himself away from her tight grip saying "why do I deserve to feel like this on what is supposed to be one of the biggest nights of my senior year?" And he is fully right, but she is sick. I think it's becoming an eating disorder, and she's known to be harmful to herself in sorts of things like that, but I thought it had stopped around 9th grade, when I barely knew her. Apparently I still barely know her, because she hasn't changed a bit.
After all this and trying to take care of tons of others, as well, I sat down and a guy from my grade that I am not too close with, but we do share a close group of friends, joined me We'll call him Sir Boy. Sir Boy and I talked and all, and it seemed to me like he might have been flirting, but I might have been a little too tired, and too upset by then to even notice. Then he offered we walk to the beach, and I mean, I think he might have intended the two of us alone, but me being the stress case I am I offered some other people that got tired of the drama to join us, very innocently, not sure if that is what he meant or not. The club's literally on the beach so we went in just to our calves, and froze our ovules and sperms off. It then started raining. We walk under the roof of where the club was, and wait for the buss that's supposed to take us home, and then we see Big Guy walking to walk of shame with another girl from my grade... Why am I always attracted to players?
It ended alright I guess, and I had a lot of fun with one of my guy friends that I used to really love until the beginning of this school year. I don't if you remember, but anyways he is one of my favorite people. Secretly I will always love him, because he just always knows how to make me feel better.
I hope you guys take care of yourselves. Don't test your limits too much, because hurting yourself badly, and humiliating yourself to that extant in the name of getting high or whatever is simply not worth all the pain and suffer that you cause yourself.
I am starting to write my next post- Interviews With Mr. Charming, this is a sarcastic question and answer post about my stupid ideas of what love is..
I love you very much, be safe, and love one another, XOXO Roni J.

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