Dreams

Hello my dear dear girls.

How have you been? How was Halloween? I thought I would do a post about it, but really I didn't do much in the end to my deep sincere dismay. I did have a good time at a Halloween slumber party with two of my friends eating candy we were otherwise supposed to give little children that never came trick or treating at our door, and watching scary film. I wouldn't call Shutter Island or the Changeling Halloween movies, but they definitely creep the shenanigans out of me.

My Friday was quite horrid. I had to deal with a lot of stupid people and have drama,which I hate. Why did I have to go through all that drama? Part of it is actually because I was trying to avoid some other drama.

Remember the guy friend I talked about here on few occasions, most of them were fights. He was a really good guy friend of mine up until the summer when he started being really dramatic and the two most hated qualities in humans in my opinion, clingy and making you feel bad for what ever you do that they don't like. So I said, dude, I hate that, I am not going to suffer through it. Let me go.

Time passed and he started dating a friend of mine from a different city that I ( big big mistake) had them meet, and he decided it would be cool to start dating her when I was in China and didn't know.... Yea. Drama. So she lives far away and I've only seen her once these past six months, and we really are really close friends. We decided a few weeks ago that she'll come here, and ever since then, ever since then he's been telling me what to do. "I want Friday"-"Yea, no, I have already planned Friday for her"-"Fine then. I get all Saturday with her". "I wanna surprise her so you have to bring her here and here at whatever time". "Are you picking her up from the train station?"-"Yup, why?"-"Then bring her around my house first so I can say 'hi' to her".

Fucck no. So Friday comes around, and we have a big dinner with some other guests planned and this doesn't suit me anyways, and the more time passes the least I wanna have her here, even though I know it's not all her fault. Anyways we're preparing the meal and I get a text from her saying that if it's uncomfortable for me he can pick her up. Obviously I have to help in the kitchen, but on the other hand I know that if he picks her up I won't get to see her. Like ever. So I say fuck it try can just be together the entire time and it doesn't matter that she's going home on Saturday so when she came Friday it was after school and I had little time with her, I don't even get Sunday or Saturday. Coming to town for me? Yea, I don't think so. To put things shortly I barely had any time with her and she also bailed on me last minute when we said we'll go to a party. I got so annoyed and so tired of all of it so I decided to go to the party anyways. I was frustrated and needed to get out.

Obviously if things didn't go up hill until now, why would they start to now? So we head off to the club. I try and forget that I'm pissed at so many things other than just that story. We go in, there are some very good songs we dance have fun blah blah blah, but then they change the DJ and he starts putting some... Weird mixes to some very weird songs, and me and another friend are like alright there are two rooms, in the other they play rock music, which I love, but still think it's a little less clubby, you know. We got to the other room to see what's there, because the other room is getting boring as hell. We hear the music there's not good either, and we're about to head out when BAM! Into my face like a my little pony, so magical, jumps the sight of little mr. Ben (-the guy I wanted) making with another girl. I don't even know why I was so surprised. I knew that's who he is. He is a player, and he enjoys it very much. For what kind of twisted stupid idea did I think I need to be the one that fixes that? He likes it, and, if I like him, although I find it wrong and have been educated against it all my life, what kind of right do I have to even think of taking that away from him? Obviously I shall never become one of those girls who give it all so easily. I'm just not that, surely not for a guy like him that will just move on to the other. I am far too wise to think that giving it to him easily the first time means that he'll love me forever. It's not about playing it hard to get, not at all, but I just know that whatever comes too fast, goes too fast.

And so we walk out. I sit on the couches outside to let out some steam texting friends that didn't come. At first my friend came with me, and then she went inside to dance a little and then came back. I didn't expect her to, but it was nice to have her there. I went through this in my head. I wrote some notes on my iphone saying things like: "Let me go", and "It was worth it to be off cloud nine and back on the ground. I needed to remember that he's not a prince charming". I kinda had to remind myself who I am, and that he really is just like all them guys before that I don't even look at anymore. I got a burst of energy, went back in, thankfully they changed the DJ again, so the songs were better, and I danced my legs off.

"Now here you go again. You say you want your freedom. Well, who am I to keep you down? It's only right that you should play it how you feel it".

 

After a few good songs we were all really tired and went back outside to sit around a table, and there comes mr. Not So Charming No More, or in short nscnm(?) to sasy "hi" to me for the first time, and acts like quite a big dick (sorry for the language today), says "hi" like a jerk, and sits next to us around the table. By this point I'm a cold heartless bitch, because I don't let myself groan over things like that for too long, and I flash him an honest 'I don't give a crap' smile.

One of his sluts comes and sits in his lap, and he's rejecting her, because that's what he does best, he's playing. I take it all in, I analyze it, I weigh the pros and cons, and I get to the beautiful conclusion that it's time to dance a few last songs and go home happyhearted. I got rid of another weight in my life that I don't need.

 

"Thunder only happens when it's raining. Players only love you when they're playing".

 

I am a dreamer, I am, but I am also a realist. I know it's a weird combination, but I know when I must dream, and when I must wake. I loved dreaming that something might ever happen between us the past three months or so, but I also loved just being back on the ground, where I belong at the end of the day. I shall not talk about this much more after this post. I shall not pay him undeserved attention, unless he ever changes. I don't tarry around too much.

Hope you have a lovely week. Hope we all. XOXO a much more realistic Roni J.