Insecurities Cured (April Favorites)

Hello girls!
I'm sorry this took me quite some time, but I had to gather up what I wanted to say, I guess.
As part of falling out of love with Mr. Guy, I thought I should maybe take a step back and find someone else to fall in love with. Now, I made the mistake of falling for a new guy in order to fall out of love with the old one enough times. I don't mean falling in love with a new guy, not at all. What I mean is, I needed in fact to fall in love with myself. I got insecure, and started doubting my value, because if he doesn't want, who's to say someone will ever. I looked at myself in the mirror, and wasn't seeing me anymore, and that, my friends, is the biggest mistake I've done in a while.
Mr. Guy isn't to blame for this at all, if I were to blame I'd still be hanging from his line for a long long time, and I know the last post, The Sandbox, sounds like I was very angry, but the truth is I let the anger I had for myself come out like I was angry at him, and it just made it harder to let it go.
If I would have been angry at him I wouldn't have been able to slowly let go, because I still had some sort of feeling for him that's deeper than just any feeling I would have had for anybody else, which it shouldn't be, because the line between hating someone and loving them is very blurry, and you can easily step on it and cross it.
So I took my time off. I tried my best to not see him so much, because that just makes things harder, but I also told myself I wasn't going to avoid him if there's something I want to do and he's there. I just stopped looking for ways to see him more than needed.
I tried stripping myself from makeup a little bit, being confident and comfortable with the way I look naturally was important to me. I noticed that a lot more people said I look good every morning, and I can only guess it's not because I am horrible at putting make up on, but more because I was starting to glow from the inside. Starting to see I have value no matter what someone else might think.
I looked in the mirror every morning and instead of trying to hide my flaws I looked at my better features, and focused on them.
I'm not saying I'm a narcissist all of a sudden. It's not that I don't have flaws that I have to wake up to every morning, but these flaws make me special. They make me who I am, and they set me back from anybody else. I can now tell you that I know there's only one Roni J. and to be honest, I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
And Mr. Guy hasn't fallen for my charm and dazzling good looks, but I was shy around him and didn't present myself to him the  way I see myself, or my family, or my true friends, and that could be the true problem. But, then again, if I hadn't opened up to him after such a long time, and if I couldn't feel comfortable enough around him to present him with my true self, then I don't think he deserves it. Not in this stage of my life, I don't think so, at least.
So here are my favorites for this month, that made me a little more confident, that made me feel better when I was down. I hope you guys enjoy this! Don't forget to love yourself, because you are, in my opinion lovely and wonderful, and people deserve seeing you that way, and you deserve seeing yourself in the mirror and saying "Wow, my eyes look good today", "I love my hair this morning", and to step outside and feel comfortable in your own skin and just really ignore anyone that's jealous enough of you to say otherwise:

T.V Shows-
1) Cougar Town- I started watching from the very beginning because they are hilarious, and comedies like this make you  feel instantly better, no matter what's going on in your life.

2) New Girl- For the very same reason. It's going to be the season finale real soon, and I can see myself missing it so much. It instantly lights up my day, and I just love this show. 

3) Revolution- This is a less popular show, but I simply adore it. I love drama- action filled shows and movies like this one or like lost, that have mystery, and an amazing concept and something new to show. They are a little more serious, but they are simply addictive. This one's about what happens to the world when absolutely all the electricity stops working, out of nowhere. It talks a bit about human nature, and a bit about what we give the most importance to in our lives. It's an amazing show and I highly highly recommend seeing it.

4) The Cult- It's another good drama with a lot of action that I got into. It's a bit too much gore sometimes, but it's an incredibly interesting concept about a cult created by a T.V. show that people watch, and it's really insanely good.





Movies-

1) Total Recall- This month I have watched the least movies I have watched in a month in the past 4 years. I have only watched this one, and Lord Of The Flies that I have already seen and read multiple times. I still liked Total Recall a lot because it was a little bit like Inception, when you start losing the idea of what's reality, and what's the Rekall program. It's about a war torn world, and it's just really weird, and interesting, and action filled, and as you might be able to notice the pattern, I like action movies and shows, and this one stood out.







Youtubers-
1) Daily Grace- I am so late to jump on this bandwagon that I am ashamed of myself, but this girl cracked me up like crazy. I have only just subscribed to her and she's hilarious! She puts up so many videos that I have something to watch from her almost every day, and I just laugh so hard at everything she says and does.

2) What The Buck- He's a long time favorite. He makes me laugh with every single word he says, and he literally has the purest heart I have seen. He's just so true and honest and real that I love it.





Apps-
1) Fruit Ninja- I have just gotten addicted to this stupid game all over again. I can't deal with how much I play this crap.

2) Instagram- I kinda left it for a while, but now I'm hooked onto it all over again. I love it.













Websites-
1) Neopets- God I'M SORRY! I didn't mean to be like this, and I know I'm 18 and it's time I got over my childhood obsessions, but we were in chem class and had no work to do so me and my friend decided to reminisce, and we got into Neopets, and I'm addicted. I'm sorry there's really no excuse for what I've done.




Computer Games-
1) Sims 3- Another childhood addiction I have re-discovered, and I freaking love it, and I have nothing more to say about this game other than it's freaking fantabulous!





Piece Of Jewelery-
1) This Necklace- Was gifted to my sister a few years ago and she never wore it so I took it like two weeks ago, and I absolutely love it. It is so unique and gorgeous. Wish I knew where it's from... Sorry.






Songs-
1) Hurricane by Bridgit Mendler- Sweet fun good-feel song. It's a bit sad if you listen closely, but It's just fun to listen to.

2) No Cure by Meghan Hilty- This song was there for the harder part of the month, the more heart broken part of the month. But it got me through heart break by just knowing almost exactly how I felt.

3) Leave Your Boyfriends Behind by Leona Naess- This song is just about the fun youthful girly times I've had the past few weeks. I was in a really funny party where everybody except me was drunk, and a ton of guys hit on me and I started playing jokes on them telling them I'm from a different country and all sorts of funny crap they believed, and the next day we celebrated my friend's 18th birthday on a yacht dancing and swimming, and having the best time of our lives, and I went to the beach for the first time this year, and this is what I'm about now. This song describes this perfectly. This is the true favorite this month.






4) I Love It by Icon Pop- Was playing on the yacht, and in the party I went to and will remind me of the good times every time I listen to it. I don't care. I love it.

That's all sweeties. Have a great month of may. <3 XOXO Roni J.

The Sandbox

Once upon a time, like a week ago, a new sandbox was placed in the playground. It's MY playground, and the rules state so. But an oh-so-familiar intruder decided to walk into my playground that one night, and tread all over my rules. He sat in the sandbox, and started playing as if it's his playground. I said fine I guess this intruder's lonely, I'll just play with him, because no one likes to play alone in the sand box. Turns out little intruder over there didn't really want any company, and he started playing dirty. This is when I decided I will grab him by the ear and kick him off my playground. My ground. My rules. Rather play alone than have my mouth stuffed with sand.
Once upon a time, like a week ago, I got tired of seeing Mr. Guy's face on my Facebook chat, and I pulled a second grader trick deleting him off of my friends list. Shamefully, he decided it's OK to ask my permission to be my Facebook friend, yet again. I decided to add him anyways because otherwise he might ask questions about it, and maybe find out the truth, where as the last thing I wanted to happen through deleting him was him discovering that I like him. So I added Mr. Guy to my playground, ehhh I mean Facebook, yet again.
He then started asking how come we weren't friends and I just said "oh, weird, how did that happen?". Yeah right. How DID it happen?! Gee, I don't know. And then the thing I wanted least right after him discovering what not happened- it started a flirty chat. Crap. He literally, in the chat, obviously, said that he wants me, that I am the most beautiful girl, that he loves me. And me remaining the second grader naive tuba face I am, I fell for it, yet again, surprise surprise.
The next day he kept playing, and toying with me, and playfully teasing me, touching me, hugging me. I realized he was playing, but little tuba face here ignored the crap out of the facts, 'cause she wanted this to be true. Second-grader-fairytale-ending come true. Not cool, Roni, not cool.
And then comes the next day, yesterday, and we do a little barbeque evening with our some people in our grade, and he ignores me like fudge. Like rotten, ugly, tuba face, fudge being ignored.

Yeah, I thought I was gonna play with you in the same sandbox, but seeing as all it did was replace my saliva with grains of sand, I would rather kick you off. You want to play dirty, mister? Go ahead, but not on this playground.
"If you're playing me, keep it on the low, 'cause my playground won't take it anymore".
So screw you, Mr. Guy. You've had a whole lot more than enough chances to intrude this playground peacefully, but if you aren't willing to play by the rules, and you wanna play dirty, play with yourself. You'll need your right hand's help when you are left old and alone.

XOXO Roni J.

Life Is Not ALWAYS Black And White (Trend Alert #4)

Life isn't always black and white. There are shades of gray, 50 to be exact. No, I'm just kidding, but it takes a lot of time to separate and notice those shades of gray. We kind of love that definite answer; black and white, "yes" and "no", up and down, when in reality you can be up, but hanging upside down. Does that mean you're up or down?
The past two days I was depressed. I was angry because I wasn't getting a definite answer from the universe. What I didn't realize was that "yes" and "no" are beautiful wonderful answers, but they can't answer "why?", and they never will be able to. Instead of asking "is it...?", and "does he....?", I kept asking questions like "Why do I..?" "Why does he not..?". Truth is that if I had wanted to get a definite answer, I wouldn't have asked those confusing question. I would have found better questions, definite questions that can be answered with either a "yes" or a "no".
I just didn't want a definite answer. I wanted a "maybe", an "I don't know", and the forever loved "it might take some time". I wasn't honest with myself, because I wanted the dishonest answer. I wanted to think there's a chance we'll ever end up together. I wanted to think I'm his only one. I wanted to think he is  different to what he is in reality. But things don't work out that way.
I realized I need to change the way I think about it. It has dawned on me that I have.. Real strong feelings for him. I refused to say that I am in love with him, because that's weakness in my eyes. But then a good good childhood friend of mine came to me with an honest answer. She said a definite answer to an indefinite question, because she knew it would hurt more to keep being delusional, than to actually know the answer. She told me I will keep feeling stuff for him until the end of the year, when we will both part ways practically forever. I will go to one college and he will go to another, and... That's how it's going to be.
And then it dawned upon me. On one hand, I want him out of my life so that I can move on, but on the other hand I almost tear up at the thought of us parting ways forever, and I would rather watch him make out with thirty more girls than to never have him in my life again, even if it means I'll never actually have a hold on him. They say you know you love a person when you can't imagine your life without them... Well, I can, I really can, but every body part of mine doesn't want to accept it.
So life is both black and white, I want him as far away from me as possible so that I can forget him, but I also want him as close to me as possible, so that I will never have to say goodbye. It's not really that life is gray, it's just that the black and white live together like a checkered board.
"Does he love me?", "yes, he does". "Does he love others?", "yes, very much". "Does he care for me?", "yes, yes he does". "Does he care for others?" "yes, he does, with all his heart". "Will he ever want to hurt me?", "oh God no". "Did he ever?", "hell yea".
So I think I better define this indefinite story. I love him. I probably will always have some kind of feeling for him. I don't ever want to tell him, but I hope that I will someday, because it's weighing down my chest when I walk past him, and when he looks me in the eyes with his beautiful blue eyes, and the most when he touches me. I don't think we'll ever be together, and it hurts in every bone in my body. I never want to say goodbye, but I know that I will have to soon. I will have to love him from afar, because I have a feeling that other wise I might jump him, or burst. And it will go away, even if that's the last thing I want. I will not prevent myself from living on the life I am supposed to have. I will go to all the parties that I want to go to in spite of the fact that he'll surely be there, and be there with another girl, at that. Because I need that pain, and I need to have it go away, and it will in the end.
This spring, much like life, is all about the combination of black and white, and making them work together side by side. Although the look is amazingly classy and clean, it can be a bit boring. So here are some items that will help you create an interesting monochromatic look:

1. The easiest way to make an interesting black and white outfit is by wearing a dress. It's a no fuss kind of outfit. It's summery, breezy, and easy. This dress from Freepeople.com is a perfect combination of black and white. The black lace gives off a sexy feel, and the soft lace detailing at the bottom and the cut at the bottom make it super feminine and soft. It can be dressed up with heels and a clutch for a cocktail party, or dress it down with a chambray top and even low top converse for a casual day.

2. Another easy way is to incorporate different textures into the outfit to make it a little more interesting. A good example is leather (faux leather) shorts into the outfit. They give a little edge and a different texture like these from Urbanoutfitters.com. Another option for texture is a light weight cable knit sweater like this one from Topshop.com
that has amazing knitted detailing.

3. Third way to do this in a more interesting way is studding or embellishments. Things like these shorts from Pullandbear.com that are embroidered beautifully, and are light and breezy and comfortable for even the sweatiest of days, because they don't stick. Another pair of interesting shorts is this one from Hm.com. It's not just a regular studded pair of shorts. There are different kinds of studs on it and even skull studs, but subtle ones so that it's not too dark.

4. Last way to incorporate it through clothes is by wearing distinguishable patterns. A lovely trend is crazy pants. I found a pair in Zara.com that I absolutely love, the print is so beautiful and different. I really like the way it looks from afar and from close up. Another cool pattern is the window pane pattern that was all over runways and is perfect, and is displayed through this blazer from Forever21.com . Not only do I love the pattern, but it an easy thing to style up or down. It's great for chilly spring days.


Hope you all have a great fantastic day, and that just like yin and yang you find a way to balance out your blacks and you whites. XOXO Roni J.