No-Fave November (November Favorites)

Long time no talk. How are we all? Hopefully well.
These past few weeks have sucked the dear life out of me. I swear the amount of tests, exams, quizzes, home work that they have given us over the course of the past few weeks has been devastating to my biological clock, and my sleep. I barely have any sleep, and I'm as jumpy and stressed as a deer on the run from some hunter's eye who's set him as a target. It's the restless time of the year, but it's begun in the beginning of the year, and has yet ended, which brings up the question: will my entire senior year be this hectic and nuts?
I have just had to fill all sorts of questionnaires regarding my future that will determine when I end up in the next four years or so. All sorts of applications that I speak an entirely different language, perhaps intentionally, that have so much impact on the rest of my life, which is so weird. I've been in school since I remember myself, almost. After 12 years, it seems so hard to leave, you know?
And then next week we're going on a trip to the desert, me and a large group of friends that includes some guy that I don't know how to detach feelings from, even though I know, and others know, and perhaps even he knows, that I am much better than him. Not in the snotty way at all, but the dear object, although quite sweet, is not the best student, he's lazy as far as I can see, and he does all sorts of things, like alcohol for example, which are a big no no to me. It's not that I'm saying that I'm much better being this goody two shoes than anyone who doesn't put much efforts into school or drinks, but what I want for myself is not that. I want, of course this is much of a fantasy, since practically any kid smokes or drinks nowadays, is a guy who really is quite good, and doesn't depend on such drugs, which in my opinion are bad habits that we can all do without, and maybe do even better at being better people without. Obviously, that's what I think about it, and I am done judging people who think differently, because just like I have my reasons, they have their reasons as well, and I cannot ever change that, I can only accept it.
To put it shortly (that could not be any longer) he's coming on a four day trip with me, and a lot of other friends to the desert. Three nights spent in tents under the starry sky (hopefully starry, because this weather's a bitch). I don't know which of the four scenrios scares me more:
 1. He will get to know me better, hate me better, and these four days will become my love story's tragic ending before it has even begun.
2. He will absolutely ignore me the entire time, and there will be no interaction between us whatsoever, even though I really want this, and it has a big part in me even going on this shitty hiking and camping trip.
3. He will get to know me better, like me better, but as a friend, and I will be heart broken, bleeding shattered heart smithereens on the tent's floor.
4. He will get to know me better, love me better, and I will be as frightened as ever, and run away like I was that same deer we were talking about earlier fleeing from a big hungry wolf.
Why am I not surprised if I'm FREAKING EXCITED about this trip.. Not.

Well, anyways this is not what we've assembled for today.
My November favorites, in contrast to what the title says are actually quite a long list.

Perfume: By far T. Swift's Wonderstruck perfume. Because it is so woody, it is so good for fall. It is just like a good blend of mysterious woods, sweet fruits, and sexy vanilla. It doesn't hold up for too long unless you makes to spray it into your hair and into the clothes you're wearing. I would love to take it with me and reapply during the day, but it's less practical unless you have a Travelo, or something of that sort.

Site and App: TUMBLR. I am an addict. If you haven't checked it out quite yet, you're absolutely welcome to on Ronijsway.tumblr.com . It is just a collection of the most amazing things that make me smile and be happy, because they are so beautiful together and apart. I spend HOURS on this thing. Whenever I'm waiting for something I just go on it and spend loads of time.

Pants: Yes, my favorite stinking pants. They are a new purchase from Zara this month. My new beloved burgundy jeans. I wear these suckers everywhere all the time. They can be dressed up or down, and they add color to the boring winter color scheme.

Mug: My giraffe mug. Not only is it the best freaking cutest thing in this whole insane world, it is also HUGE, and I can cuddle with a big mug of any warm drink in front of a good movie, which brings me to the next three things.

Cuddling: With my family, and watching a movie is like the greatest thing about winter. I absolutely love my family, and I love that the holidays are coming, and that I get to spend time with them more, and that my birthday is coming :D, and that we are all together.

Movies:
*50/50: A movie starring Joseph Gordon Levitt about a guy who discovers he has cancer, and his battle with the illness and all other hard things in life. It brought me to tears, and it made me smile, and the ending was a little too... but I won't tell you so that I don't spoil the movie, but I still loved it.
*Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close: A very sad story, which I read the book to a good few years ago. I mean like five years ago, and both the book and the movie are insanely sweet, and sad, and breathtaking. I loved the movie so much. Really recommend the book as well. With Sandra Bulock and Tom Hanks.
*Skyfall: Yes, I watched Skyfall, and it was incredible, especially the beginning with Adele's song, it was the best of the latest Bond movies, and a great action movie, but definitely not the best Bond movie. I cried there as well, because that's what I do. I cry in movies, and a movie that I don't cry in is basically not worth watching.

Homemade Chai: I love Starbuck's Chai Latte, but I am trying to eat and drink at home, as much as I can, so that I don't  waste so much money, so a great alternative is putting  these into a tea brewer: a bag of Masala Chai tea, if that's possible, or just regular Earl Gray, putting in a few cloves, grinding some nutmeg in, a dash of cinnamon, and some cranberries. You pour that into your favorite mug (giraffe mug is the best way to go at it), add some frothed milk, and sugar, as much as you like. YUMMY.

Book: Eve by Anna Carey. I have finished the book this month, and I have to say it was incredible, that is if you like dystopian novels, like the hunger games and such, and don't mind some more graphic scenes that take place in the book. I cried, which is once again, a good sign.

Kindle: I have gotten it in August, but just bought Eve for the first time on it. It has been so comfortable carrying it around, and reading, especially during the boring bio classes. This year's teacher is a train wreck.

Nail polish:  Stylenomics by Essie. I just love how it elongates your fingers, and gives them that festive color.

Song: Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran. He's amazing really, and this song, and video, are both incredible and heartfelt. 

Hope you guys have a lovely holiday season no matter what you're celebrating, and I shall write you when I get back from the trip with all the details.
XOXO Roni J.

Just A Kiss

Hello!
Yet again haven't written in ages. I find it really hard to write when I'm not straight out pouring the words out of my finger tips to you. I need a little bit of inspiration, and I keep asking for it, hoping it will come.
Well, my inspiration has arrived in Roni J.'s wacko town. Am I happy about it? Can't say I am.
I feel rejected. It took me a whole lot of time to admit it, but it's not my heart that's hurting, it's my dear ego and pride.

Being as competitive as I am has it's perks. You always demand more of yourself and therefore achieve higher goals as you go along.
Other than that most is crap. People hate competitive people. You always mock yourself for not achieving something and once you achieve it you're already on the way to achieve a new goal and so caught up in it that you forget to congratulate yourself, and more so, you simply forget to rest.
I was just starting to write a post about how I hate being ungrateful or sounding ungrateful, or ungrateful people in general, bu now I realize how stupid that would be and how hypocritical it would be to say that considering I am never thankful and grateful for what I have accomplished in life. And I mean this in the most modest way, I have achieved a lot.
A few days ago I was on a little seminar thing with the guy from the past (we'll call him Bob for the sake of my hands writing the guy that I liked for a year ten times at least in the post), and some other people obviously, it wasn't much of a romantic retreat. That guy is the guy I was (or still am.... whatever) hung up on for more than a year. I've had a break from him thanks God. I already felt like I was slowly healing, and forgiving, and realizing that he, as a target, will not be achieved and that there will be another target, like always.
I saw him, and it all went fairly well. I felt like I could connect to other guys. I felt like we were friendly to each other, when usually we keep ridiculing each other all the time. I mean we were watching a movie, and me, with my overly empathetic way to live, cried my eyes out, literally worrying almost everybody, because they are not used to seeing me cry about my own pain. I usually really don't, surely not in public, but when we watched the movie and it was other people's pain displayed on the screen and a mother leaving her son and all that I couldn't hold myself and I cried, quietly, but cried. He actually had the decency to be a friend and tell me not to cry and that it's not real and all that, which doesn't really help my crying once a kid is crying on the screen, but it was friendly and genuine. Later on during the movie him and his best friend were sitting in the row in front of me and his best friend asked me to play with his hair ( not like it's long, because if it were I wouldn't), so I did, and he saw that and asked me to play with his hair, as well, which I didn't mind either one of them. I mean I felt like we were both showing each other in small gestures that we should move on from the weird hatred we had.
AND THEN. Oh, sweet mother of pearl, THEN, I talked to a fairly new friend of mine, who, therefore, didn't know much about my past and present love life, and I told her I have never been kissed. If you didn't already know, then here's the truth. I am 17 years old, in quite the modern open society, and I have never been kissed. She has a boyfriend and has already had sex and such crap, so she was surprised by this especially because she thinks I'm like this perfect girl for some reason.
Then she was wondering if there's anybody on my mind currently, so I told her there was, and that since I've gotten over him I decided not to jump ahead into another unhealthy- nonexistent relationship. She asked for his name, and since her boyfriend is that same guy friend that is best friends with Bob, she is very close to Bob, as well, so she said "Wow I'm impressed by the choice", and I jumped right in to tell it wasn't that impressive considering that for the most part he kind of hated me, and we really hadn't shared a serious talk ever in this life time. Therefore I told her what I keep telling myself he might really be the most charming person, but he's not my prince charming.
Well, this is not the THEN I was intending on, but THEN, oh sweet roasted chicken and ham sandwich, she went on telling me that he is now some other girl's prince charming and that hit me right in my nonexistent nuts. It basically was a blow below the belt that left me... Shocked.
He has never, and I do mean NEVER, been in a relationship. Turning him into prince charming means..... Means that she tamed the unruly beast. That, and that I didn't. She did the impossible, which was what I had convinced myself with that I have no chance with him, meaning my big bang and you're out theory was destroyed.
That's where my competitiveness comes out. The thought keeps racing through my head. Why her? Why is she the one to be able to tame the beast. I keep comparing us, and then I say she's smarter, but not as wise, she's sweet, but she's easy, she's pretty, but I am better looking, and blah blah blah. What the hell?!
Why can't i be happy for him that he finally found someone that sweet and smart and all that she is, and that he finally could love a girl enough to give up that crap asshole personality that he had before, and possibly helped him be nicer to me. Why the hell am I jealous or envious of her? I know that I'm far far better than she is, in most things that is, so would I really dare be ungrateful for everything I have, and everything I am just so that I can't get my mockery over and done with for the fact that I didn't achieve Bob's taming as a goal? What about the goal to find a better guy? What about the goal I had to be a better less judgmental person? What about the goal to stop being ungrateful for what I have and start seeing that I have everything anyone could ever ask for, except for maybe a love life, but if you really look at it hard I would rather be without a love life than without any other thing in my life.

So here's me giving up one goal that I had in the past. I decided that once I post this post the old me's dead and gone. I won't be mad at myself, I won't be mad at him, I won't envy her, I will move on and start my senior year fresh instead of going over this shit over and over and over again, which quite frankly has become boring to me. So here's me moving on. Here's a beautiful cover of Bob Dylan's Don't Think Twice It's All Right by Ed Sheeran. Describes my feelings I have for him exactly and won't have anymore.