A Sad Symphony

Oh gosh, I have not written in so long.
I have not written in almost 9 months. It's almost the time it takes to give birth to a child. And in some way I almost feel like I must have done just that in the past 9 months. No, I did not actually give birth to a child, thank goodness, heavens no. I haven't even lost my virginity.
What I did do, though, is so many things I never even imagined I would have done in a million year, and gone so many places I never in my life thought I would set foot in. Seeing as my year in the most incredible of programs has sadly come to an end, and with it all the unbelievable experiences I have gone through that have changed me and defined me so much that I am a different person now.
What have I managed to accomplish? I have learned to navigate in nature, I have met the most incredible group of people my own age, I have lived alone with these people, I learned about philosophy, economics, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, history, and so many subject that would just take too long to write, I went on a week called survival week, I went abseiling, I toured the entire country, I fell in love a couple times, had my heart broken just the same amount of times I fell in love, I was almost kissed a few times, and have been kissed once, and... Life... It was at its best.
But now, seeing I am back home for the summer, all my friends live in different parts of the country or are in college, now I feel exactly the same as I was just 9 months ago. A major set back. I am having a fight with a friend that I had fights with in August, about her having her head stuck up her ass instead of seeing that the people around her are going through stuff as well, and you can't just have a friendship work one way around. It doesn't work that way.
And the boy that kissed me.. Mr. Danger.. He's not dangerous really, but he likes to think of himself as a bit of a James Bond, thinking he's such a fearless guy. We were about to start a relationship, but we're both extremely shy and me being the tight ass bitch that I am when I am shy... I make it impossible for myself to know whether or not I want it. Whether I am rejecting it because it's really not something that I want, or whether it's just my fear talking. And I managed to scare Mr. Danger, and he's been pulling back. And I keep going back and forth between wanting to end it officially, wanting to let it die on its own, or trying again, because I might actually have feelings for Mr. Danger.
And my parents being in Japan on holiday, me all alone at home, both my siblings swamped with work, it is just all the more hard. I feel lonely, and I have no one to pick me up, except for that one Skype call once a day, and God how I miss them.
So in awe of how depressive I managed to be this weekend- here's a list of my most favorite depressive songs at the moment, that I have been playing over and over to help me find a way to describe how I feel.
First spot in the list in no particular order, takes this sweet cover of the famous ballad by Bob Dylan- Boots of Spanish Leather, done incredibly well by the lead singer of the Lumineers- Wesley Schultz, who's voice is so relaxing yet unnerving at the same time. It's about drifting away more than just physically, and it is absolutely lovely.

Second is a song based on the same drifting apart in more than one way. It is Boston by Augustana. I remember that one night, around six months ago, when we were in our room, my roommate played on her phone speakers, and I remembered this song like I'd heard it before, even though to this day I cannot recall where from.
Either way I've fallen in love with it again thanks to my roommate whom I love desperately. Both of them.

Third is another song about things changing, and people starting to grow apart, and it's called Ashes and Wine by a Fine Frenzy. Alison Sudol's incredible voice, and the lyrics make this make you feel. We had her first album in the car when I was 12 or 13, and I remember saying it is the perfect rainy-day song because it goes perfectly in sync with windshield wipers. Food for thought.

One that I have played over and over the most times this entire weekend, and has become my depressed mood anthem is this beautiful heart wrenching song from the soundtrack to Once, sung by the Swell Season's Irish singer Glen Hansard- Leave. I really have little to say, and no matter what I say about it won't do the song any justice so just listen to it, please. I beg of you.

Speaking of leaving, Israeli singer- Asaf Avidan makes it pretty clear that "baby, I'm leaving" in this yet again heart wrenching song Of Scorpions and Bells.

What You're Thinking by my beloved Passenger ft. Josh Pyke has been my favorite song for almost two years now. Passenger's ability to morph emotions into lyrics is inspiring, not only in this song. Michael Rosenberg's got beautiful sad songs done. Girl Running, Table for One, Feather on a Clyde, What Will Become of Us, Caravan, Things You've Never Done, Walk in the Rain, are just a few of his many beautifully worded sad songs. This one's just my absolute favorite, because it puts into words the frustration in not being able to figure someone out, and in wanting to fix it all but it's just all so out of hand, and it pulls you apart.

Next one's been repeatedly played this week to the point that I am happy we're not dependent on cassettes anymore, because I would rip the shit out of this tape. It is Sara Bareilles's Send Me the Moon. Making an impossibly serene sound to the anxiety of waiting to see someone you miss so much, wanting the sun and the moon to go in circles together so that you don't have to wait even one more day to see them. Parents, this is your cue.

Say Anything by Anderson East ft. Jill Andrews is just what I've been feeling like the past month since everything has started with Mr. Danger. We're both so emotionally incapable, so challenged with our feelings, that neither one of us says anything they want to say. It's that frustrating "just say something. Anything that will make me stay" kind of  feeling. And this song portrays it beautifully in the amazing voices of both Anderson and Jill.

Another frustrating feeling is the feeling that you've gone back to square one. You felt like this big change has happened in your life and God laughs at you like "haha.. NO". We Never Change by Coldplay is, in my opinion, their best creation. It's brutally honest to the point of heartbreaking.

Miles Away by Years Around the Sun is the song that makes me want to run away. Change a scenery, be anywhere but here, travel as far as possible from everything I have been feeling lately, that's where I want to be. The way they describe the perfect mind melting place on earth- sand, sun, moon, stars, lights... Just away.

This is it for today. For more sad songs, or anything else you can message me here or on Tumblr if you feel like, all that information in the contact me page.
Love you all, hoping for a better week ahead, XOXO Roni J.

June Sais Quoi

How long have I not written a normal sincere blog post? Far too long. My life has been... I'm not kidding you... FREAKING INSANE. I've got exams to finish (last on is ont he 4th of July...THE FUDGE?! You inconsiderate bunch of bastards!), I've got trips that I have already taken in the past few weeks and some thousands more to take, guests from my past coming, and a lot, a lot of goodbyes. So let's start explaining all the craziness that's already been going on in the past two months and continue on the path to the plans for July and August, which in comparison to them, May and June are a freaking knock knock joke.
The past two months:
I have basically graduated high school. I got a graduate diploma, a social excellence diploma for being student body president, and an academic excellence diploma, which my parents were all so proud of, and so was I. You don't know this, but it took me a long time to decide that this will be the high school that I will be attending after I came back from my two years abroad. I didn't know anybody there at the time, when I joined the school in the middle of middle school, and I didn't want to get back to my old group of friends that I was a part of in lower school. I must be honest to tell you this was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I became a part group of a really good crowd of people, and a large one at that. Besides that I can literally say that out of the entire senior class of around 250 students I dislike maybe 2, and get along with the most. These people were amazing, and accepting, and didn't judge me for my oddities, and I have many, from the very beginning. Sometimes I had rough patches with some of them, but being the  person I am, I click with a lot of different varieties of people, and I rarely ever got into clashes with anybody. So even if I really don't want any of them to freaking read this, I want them to telepathically know that I love them, and am so so sad to have to say goodbye to them all. Besides that I had amazing opportunities at school like the three delegations I took part in, student body, and amazing classes with very interesting teachers. So I'm as grateful as can be for the past four years. They were years very well spent.
As a graduation trip, the school took us into the city for the entire night. I mean we did not sleep, at all. We drove there (about three or four hours ride) by bus, but we didn't sit with our homeroom like we usually did on class trips and so forth. We sat with mixed home rooms, so I picked to sit with the one I have the most friends with, one of which is Tiny, which you might remember from past stories. I wasn't sitting next to her from the very beginning, and was sitting at the front of the bus. They played a sad goodbye song (Leaving On A Jet Plane) thinking they're oh-so-clever and oh-so-charming to make me teary eyed (the only one on the entire freaking bus), and I started crying, because I'm a girl like that, and I was trying to hide it, but the girl sitting next to me heard me sniffling a sob so she decided it was a smart idea to just yell "Oh look how sweet! Roni's crying", and I'm like.... Shut up bitch... Only much nicer than that, and Big Guy hears her, because he's sitting across from us, and says "Oh really? So you've got a heart now?". Apparently I don't show much emotions... Boo-freaking-hoo.. Kill me. My friend then goes on explaining she's probably thinking about how she won't ever see half of this senior class after today (good call pal), to which Big Guy replies in his snake charming voice (when I say snake charming, I mean both a snake, and a charmer, not a charmer of snakes) "don't worry Roni, we'll keep in touch" and winks, at the same time as I say "oh this is probably the same half of the senior class I really don't care about", which, because it was said in the exact same time, sounded kind of like a diss to him. Oooppsss.
So after a while I get tired of the crowd in the front of the bus, so I go sit next to Tiny in the back of the bus and we talk and stuff. I flirt with Mr. Perfect, who's taken now, but the heck I saw him first (probably didn't.. So what? Fuck off!). Then, Mr. Perfect's quite handsome (and not far from perfect himself) friend sits with Tiny and I. We cram in the three of us into one bus stool, which kinda feels like an odd orgy. But we talked and laughed and it was great. I never knew him too well, I only knew him by his name and a little background, but never invested myself into getting to know him too well. Then I got a little car sick so I went back to sit in the front section of the bus, and, Tiny told me later, this new mister, Mr. Mystery, told her right after I got up that I'm cute, and how come we've never talked before, so Tiny said to him, you seriously missed out, and he said I can see I did. Later on the bus rides from one place to another in the city Mr. Mystery and I sat together alone, and talked and flirted and laughed, which was nice, and like a new door has opened up for me. A new door of opportunities. On a later bus ride after touring the entire city, and flirting with a bunch of guys from my grade, Big Guy asked me on the bus whether or not he'll see me in the party later on that night, and I said maybe very sheepishly, knowing that he looks at me every single party that he sees me in, and can't stop staring at me, and then he said "I hope you do".
That night we do end up going to that party, almost the entire group of our friends, but what's a party with a big group of girls without a bit of drama?! One of the girls gets there far too late and far too pissed of at all of her friends who've been trying to help her, and drinks just a teenie weenie too much. By the time we get to the party she isn't feeling well, and me and another friend are a little too late to get to check up on her so she points at my friend and says "I hate you", and the points to me "And you're pathetic so you can also leave", and I'm like.... Ppfffffttttt OH REALLY. My other friend takes it really hard cause A. she's drunk, and B. she cares too much about the stupid girl's opinion, but me? I don't I tell the rest of the girls to watch her and get her home, because I ain't no bitch, but I just get up and walk away after she says "so you can also leave", and I say "fine I will". I wasn't hurt by her because I know I'm not "pathetic", and if I ever were to be I would still be less pathetic than she was at that moment. You're drunk, about to throw up in front of your entire grade, looking like a hot mess, and I am the "pathetic" one? I think not. I just thought she had some nerve to say these things to us after we took care of her the entire night so that she could come to the party (we had to wait hours for her to show up, not knowing if she's even going to show up in the end, and rush to hop on the taxi, I literally had to run to catch the taxi), and after we come to check up her. She's got some nerve. I am not mad at her anymore I am not holding any grudges or anything, because I'm better than that, and I shouldn't act like a five year old, but I'm kind of done. I mean I'm not going to ignore her because I don't want no drama, but a friend who treats you like this on a regular basis, when she feels like it, and pushes you around, does not deserve me as a friend, and I do not deserve being put down.
Later on though, things get better, cause I talk to Mr. Mystery, and flirt a little more with him and with Big Guy, which always puts you in a better mood when you're being complimented. Mr. Guy though, has been ignoring me for days already, and it got really weird when he said hi to the girl next to me at the party, and said nothing to me, and didn't even look at me. I don't feel the same way I did for him as I did before, but it's still quite offensive to have the son of a gun ignore me.
Days pass, and we're getting ready for summer camp so we meet up a lot. Yesterday we did a writing session for the senior songs CD that we bring out every year for summer camp, and it was hilarious. Just insane. I love them so much. Another goodbye, though.
Tonight I hosted a BBQ for my homeroom to say yet another goodbye,which is no fun whatsoever, and I am feeling horrible, so I didn't feel like hosting anything. I think I got a cold from sitting outside last night until very very late writing songs with the nut cases I call my friends. But I couldn't have asked for better people, and a better experience than I had had with my homeroom the past three years. These kids made me the happiest, the most comfortable and welcomed I have ever felt, and I am so grateful for that. And there's a huge rock weighing down my chest because... I just am going to miss them so much. And I hate goodbyes because I always cry (already managed to cry for about an hour today after the BBQ). I just sincerely love these people like brothers and sisters, and I feel like not seeing them everyday is... heart breaking.
This is summing up what's happened up until now. What's about to happen is some crazy shit. It's gonna be all shades of nuts. Tomorrow early in the morning I have an interview for a job I might get in about a year. It's an interesting job, but I don't know much about it yet. Later on tomorrow a family that hosted me a part of my two years abroad is coming to visit me, which is sweet, but I haven't really managed to keep in touch with them over the years, so hopefully it won't be terribly awkward. Later this week will be my very final exam of my high school experience on Thursday, and on Friday we go on 8 days of summer camp. This is when I start living out of bags for the next month or so. The very next day I go to a little seminar with the people that will be attending college with me next year, which has to be interesting, but I'm resenting it for some reason. Possibly cause I'm scare, possibly cause I've had an amazing time the past three years, and don't really feel like starting something new when I'm not yet near done with high school. But that meeting is in the city so I have to drive in after not sleeping well for around 8 days if not more.
The very next day I have to be in the city again, because I'm flying out to Greece with a bunch of my best friends. We're staying there 5 days for a fun beach holiday, and then we get back. The very very next day I have to be back in the city though, because I'm flying out to my momma who's moving to Norway for half a year for her job. So I won't see her for half a year after the two week I'll spend there, which is bound to be hard as hell. I'll try my best to write in the next two months, but I doubt I'll be able to write much, because I will be living out of a suitcase. Not complaining, though. I'm going to have the time of my life. I am excited about this time. It has some je ne sais quoi about it. Some mystery. Some magic.
So my favorites the past two months have been:
1) 2 Broke Girls. Best comedy ever. I'm not even kidding you guys. This is my exact humor- sexual, dirty, sarcastic, but not vulgar! Hilarious hilarious hilarious story about a rich New York elite girl who loses all her money and meets up with another broke girl who's always had to work hard and fend for herself, and together they try rising up. Just freaking crazy and amazing. Can't wait for next season.... CANNOT!

2) Happy Endings. Sweet little comedy I started watching when I finished 2 Broke Girls. Not nearly as funny in my opinion, but still very lovable, and I am so sad they have canceled it. Hope they go all Cougar Town with it, and film it in a cheaper setting to close it up nicely.

3) Baby Daddy. Season 2 is just... 20 times better than the first. I just freaking love Danny (Derek Theler) so much. He's such an adorable character, which is funny because I tuned in in the first place to watch Jean Luc Bilodeau, but I just like Derek SO FREAKING MUCH. I follow after them all on Instagram, and they are just so cute.

4) LOL. Cutest movie I've seen in a long time. The guy interest in the movie is just the perfect personality for a men in my opinion. Confident, and caring, and honest, a good friend, a musician. That's what made this movie so lovable for me. Love her new song, too, and even though the music video is crazy and a little over over the top, I appreciate the creativity put into it.

5) Nashville. Watched that show in like 2 days because I loved Gunnar. Again, he just possesses most of the qualities I see in the perfect man.. He's just adorable. Loved the music in it, which has majorly affected my playlist with songs like I will fall, If I Didn't Know Better, and so forth. Love country music even more so now than I did then. I also love Maisy and Lennon, and think they are absolutely amazing and crazy talented, and hope to see more of them, because they are just.. Mind blowing.

6) Stubborn Love by The Lumineers. This song has amazing lyrics, and I just love the video for some reason they touched my heart very deep. I just fell in love with it very very quickly.
7) Tip Of My Tongue by The Civil Wars. Such a seductive song, but so genuine and true, and loving. I just adore it.

8) Pretties. Not yet done with it but so freaking close. I just love this series so much. They make it sound so real, and it sounds so realistic that people would think to make us all look the same and think the same.




I don't really have beauty favorites these past two months, because I have been very constant with products and all, but I promise to try out some new things. Love you, and probably should go to sleep if I want to wake up in time for my interview tomorrow. XOXO Roni J.

Insecurities Cured (April Favorites)

Hello girls!
I'm sorry this took me quite some time, but I had to gather up what I wanted to say, I guess.
As part of falling out of love with Mr. Guy, I thought I should maybe take a step back and find someone else to fall in love with. Now, I made the mistake of falling for a new guy in order to fall out of love with the old one enough times. I don't mean falling in love with a new guy, not at all. What I mean is, I needed in fact to fall in love with myself. I got insecure, and started doubting my value, because if he doesn't want, who's to say someone will ever. I looked at myself in the mirror, and wasn't seeing me anymore, and that, my friends, is the biggest mistake I've done in a while.
Mr. Guy isn't to blame for this at all, if I were to blame I'd still be hanging from his line for a long long time, and I know the last post, The Sandbox, sounds like I was very angry, but the truth is I let the anger I had for myself come out like I was angry at him, and it just made it harder to let it go.
If I would have been angry at him I wouldn't have been able to slowly let go, because I still had some sort of feeling for him that's deeper than just any feeling I would have had for anybody else, which it shouldn't be, because the line between hating someone and loving them is very blurry, and you can easily step on it and cross it.
So I took my time off. I tried my best to not see him so much, because that just makes things harder, but I also told myself I wasn't going to avoid him if there's something I want to do and he's there. I just stopped looking for ways to see him more than needed.
I tried stripping myself from makeup a little bit, being confident and comfortable with the way I look naturally was important to me. I noticed that a lot more people said I look good every morning, and I can only guess it's not because I am horrible at putting make up on, but more because I was starting to glow from the inside. Starting to see I have value no matter what someone else might think.
I looked in the mirror every morning and instead of trying to hide my flaws I looked at my better features, and focused on them.
I'm not saying I'm a narcissist all of a sudden. It's not that I don't have flaws that I have to wake up to every morning, but these flaws make me special. They make me who I am, and they set me back from anybody else. I can now tell you that I know there's only one Roni J. and to be honest, I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
And Mr. Guy hasn't fallen for my charm and dazzling good looks, but I was shy around him and didn't present myself to him the  way I see myself, or my family, or my true friends, and that could be the true problem. But, then again, if I hadn't opened up to him after such a long time, and if I couldn't feel comfortable enough around him to present him with my true self, then I don't think he deserves it. Not in this stage of my life, I don't think so, at least.
So here are my favorites for this month, that made me a little more confident, that made me feel better when I was down. I hope you guys enjoy this! Don't forget to love yourself, because you are, in my opinion lovely and wonderful, and people deserve seeing you that way, and you deserve seeing yourself in the mirror and saying "Wow, my eyes look good today", "I love my hair this morning", and to step outside and feel comfortable in your own skin and just really ignore anyone that's jealous enough of you to say otherwise:

T.V Shows-
1) Cougar Town- I started watching from the very beginning because they are hilarious, and comedies like this make you  feel instantly better, no matter what's going on in your life.

2) New Girl- For the very same reason. It's going to be the season finale real soon, and I can see myself missing it so much. It instantly lights up my day, and I just love this show. 

3) Revolution- This is a less popular show, but I simply adore it. I love drama- action filled shows and movies like this one or like lost, that have mystery, and an amazing concept and something new to show. They are a little more serious, but they are simply addictive. This one's about what happens to the world when absolutely all the electricity stops working, out of nowhere. It talks a bit about human nature, and a bit about what we give the most importance to in our lives. It's an amazing show and I highly highly recommend seeing it.

4) The Cult- It's another good drama with a lot of action that I got into. It's a bit too much gore sometimes, but it's an incredibly interesting concept about a cult created by a T.V. show that people watch, and it's really insanely good.





Movies-

1) Total Recall- This month I have watched the least movies I have watched in a month in the past 4 years. I have only watched this one, and Lord Of The Flies that I have already seen and read multiple times. I still liked Total Recall a lot because it was a little bit like Inception, when you start losing the idea of what's reality, and what's the Rekall program. It's about a war torn world, and it's just really weird, and interesting, and action filled, and as you might be able to notice the pattern, I like action movies and shows, and this one stood out.







Youtubers-
1) Daily Grace- I am so late to jump on this bandwagon that I am ashamed of myself, but this girl cracked me up like crazy. I have only just subscribed to her and she's hilarious! She puts up so many videos that I have something to watch from her almost every day, and I just laugh so hard at everything she says and does.

2) What The Buck- He's a long time favorite. He makes me laugh with every single word he says, and he literally has the purest heart I have seen. He's just so true and honest and real that I love it.





Apps-
1) Fruit Ninja- I have just gotten addicted to this stupid game all over again. I can't deal with how much I play this crap.

2) Instagram- I kinda left it for a while, but now I'm hooked onto it all over again. I love it.













Websites-
1) Neopets- God I'M SORRY! I didn't mean to be like this, and I know I'm 18 and it's time I got over my childhood obsessions, but we were in chem class and had no work to do so me and my friend decided to reminisce, and we got into Neopets, and I'm addicted. I'm sorry there's really no excuse for what I've done.




Computer Games-
1) Sims 3- Another childhood addiction I have re-discovered, and I freaking love it, and I have nothing more to say about this game other than it's freaking fantabulous!





Piece Of Jewelery-
1) This Necklace- Was gifted to my sister a few years ago and she never wore it so I took it like two weeks ago, and I absolutely love it. It is so unique and gorgeous. Wish I knew where it's from... Sorry.






Songs-
1) Hurricane by Bridgit Mendler- Sweet fun good-feel song. It's a bit sad if you listen closely, but It's just fun to listen to.

2) No Cure by Meghan Hilty- This song was there for the harder part of the month, the more heart broken part of the month. But it got me through heart break by just knowing almost exactly how I felt.

3) Leave Your Boyfriends Behind by Leona Naess- This song is just about the fun youthful girly times I've had the past few weeks. I was in a really funny party where everybody except me was drunk, and a ton of guys hit on me and I started playing jokes on them telling them I'm from a different country and all sorts of funny crap they believed, and the next day we celebrated my friend's 18th birthday on a yacht dancing and swimming, and having the best time of our lives, and I went to the beach for the first time this year, and this is what I'm about now. This song describes this perfectly. This is the true favorite this month.






4) I Love It by Icon Pop- Was playing on the yacht, and in the party I went to and will remind me of the good times every time I listen to it. I don't care. I love it.

That's all sweeties. Have a great month of may. <3 XOXO Roni J.

Blue Eyes

Hello sweeties,
How are you? Are you doing well?
I hope you are! I really want to thank you all for getting me over a thousand views this year. It might not sound like a lot when other people get this number daily, but the fact that anybody might be remotely interested in hearing what I, a complete stranger, have to say, baffles me, intrigues me, and excites me. So thank you, even if it doesn't mean much to you, it means a lot to me.
I guess that besides writing fashion, beauty, and all sorts of other not very personal posts, this kind of became a journey. I can look back at posts from directly a year ago, and laugh at how pathetically naive, and how it hasn't even changed a bit, and of how I miss some things that I used to be, or some people I used to be close to.
Today I woke up feeling... Rather less confident about myself. I guess it's not that I woke up this way really. I went out for coffee with two of my friends. One of them is someone I used to be really close with up until this year, and for some reason I'm starting to feel like it's fading away.
I don't know what it is about her that's changing, or maybe I have my eyes opened wider, but she's becoming.. Someone I don't feel comfortable around, someone I don't feel safe sharing my secrets with, someone that I feel like is judging me to the bone.
We talked the parties that are going to take place this week, and there are many, and she kept saying "Roni has to drink to one of these parties to open up", and such things. I mean she might have good intensions wanting to help me open up to a guy maybe, or share my first kiss with someone, but it's starting to sound like it's bothering her that I have not been kissed at 18 more than it bothers me. She's talking about it like it's some sort of impediment, like I'm fucked up (sorry for the use of language), like I'm not ok, and my values are not ok, and they need to be changed in order for me to ever get a guy to look at me. I know this might sound like I'm over thinking the use of her words just a little too much, like I do about everything else in my life, but then again it's not the only thing she said.
She used to have a theory about me becoming a player after my first kiss, and now she's starting to say how she has a new theory about the rest of my life. Her new theory being that I will get tired of being scared of men, that I will unwillingly become lesbian. Not only is that the most ridiculous stupid thing to say, but that's actually really mean. She doesn't want me to break out of my shell anymore, she's just excepting the fact that I am going to live in this shell forever. She doesn't believe in me anymore, which is really not a... Best friend-y thing to do.
I might be wrong about this, and this might be some hidden jealousy for her situation speaking in my name, but I feel like ever since she got a boyfriend, about a year ago, she slowly starts feeling more and more like she has it better than me, like my way is wrong, and maybe even a little like she is superior to me. And that hurts. I don't want to feel like my friend, one of my best, lost faith in me. That beats the purpose of being a best friend.
Big Guy hasn't really contacted me since that phone call a few days ago, which made me realize how beautifully naive I was to think he wants me just because of what he said, probably jokingly, and that phone call that was possibly only so that he could ask a question about biology, and nothing more.
Mr. Guy on the other hand has been acting weird. You know how I said he paid me no attention the day I got the call from Big Guy? Like he intensionally ignored me the moment he found out that I know it was he who gave Big Guy my number. The days later he was acting completely different.
He kept bugging me, and touching me, and being playful, and pushing and tormenting.. Like some kind of courtship that I might be hallucinating. He kept teasing, and looking for attention, seems like especially physical.
Yesterday he saw me crying. There was a man who had lost his son, and in the background a song was playing, by a guy that died soon after writing the song saying how he can't stop thinking about his father saying "If something ever happens to you, I have no other reason to live", and I saw that man's pain, and his face contorted with tears. I saw his heart breaking in front of me and could do nothing about it. And when I see another person crying, especially this hard, and this heartbreakingly, I cry.
Mr. Guy was stunned. I don't tend to display many emotions around guys, especially if I have feelings for them, because it's some kind of defenses I put up, I guess. Many people say I remind them of Daria from the Nickelodeon show Daria. Not because I look like her, at all, but more so because I don't shine through like someone that gives a shit too often. He was shocked to see me cry, and I was bawling my eyes out for this man. He said "I didn't think you had it in you".
I don't know what's gotten into me again. How come all this makes me forget how much of a jerk he is some times. How come all of his mistakes disappear, and mean absolutely nothing when he looks at me with his blue eyes. I just melt looking into them.
I swear he's just a piece of cow poo, but then he looks me in the eyes with his mischievous smile, and I melt away forgetting how big of a bum he is. And he calls me queen bee and I look at him trying to look angry, like I don't like that he calls me that at all, but then I see his smile, and my frown is contorted into a smile.
Dear Mr. Guy, if only you knew what power your eyes have over me, that they made me start craving you all over again, even though you are such an unfitting match for me, I wonder what you'd do. Would you even care? Would that matter to you? Would you just try to use me like all the other girls you've been with or would you actually give a crap about me and my values, and respect them? Or maybe would you just be grossed out?
I wish I had an ability to read his thoughts only. I don't care what anybody else thinks about me, not really. Just him. To know. I don't think I would ever change who I am, even if I knew he wants me and the only thing separating between us is one small flaw I have, because even if I give a crap, I really do like the person that I am, and I work by my values, but maybe just a hint to know whether this is completely useless.

Thanks again for reading this nonsense, hope you come back for some more nonsense soon. XOXO Roni J. 


"'Cause, blue eyes, you're the secret I keep"

Marching On (March And February Favorites)

Hello girls,
I planned on writing this post today, but it seems like that decision was made so long ago... I had a great day. We had a long rehearsal for the musical I talked about in the post When In Rome that I wrote about a week ago. We started doing the dance number where we dance in couples, and one of my most lovely beloved guy friends and I are dancing that number together, which I couldn't be any more happy about.
The problem is... I got some news today, that kind of make it hard to remember all that. I... got the news that a good friend of mine, with whom I got quite close this year, might have gotten cancer. And now... "it sure makes everything else seem so small".
I'm so scared, God, I'm frightened out of my mind. The thing that scares me the most, to be honest, is not the fact that she might be sick, or the fact that I might lose her, God forbid, that scares me a crapload as well, but the thing that frightens me the most is, actually, the fact that I have no idea how to help her. I want to say the words that would heal it all, and would cure her of anything bad. I want to be there for her and hold her hand through anything she might have to face. I just don't know what to say. I just don't know what to do. I just get sick to my stomach just thinking that I might have to find the words.
How can you march on from something like this? How do you get up, and walk on forward, being strong, because you have to be that way for someone else? Moving forward seems like the hardest task in the world right now.
"For all of the times we've stopped, for all of the things I'm not, we put one foot in front of the other, we move like we ain't got no other. We'll go where we'll go- we are marching on".
As long as this is not a sure thing yet, which I hope it will never become a sure thing so bad, I shall now put my thoughts and prayers aside for a second, and go back to something shallow, something that freaks me out a little less, something that will help me forget for a second, and maybe that break will help me find the words, because, otherwise, I really don't have any idea in mind as of what I should do.
March has been, the most fantastic, most amazing, most crazy most hectic, most full of friends and laughter and joy I've had in a long time. I could live this month over and over and over again, and never get bored, because it was full with everything I could ever ask for.
I kind of summed up all that happened in the last post that I linked somewhere up there right above those few lines of simple and honest melt down. There was Rome, and there was quality time with my sister, there were amazing sleepovers, crazy parties, amazing times with friends, boys, rehearsals, dancing, singing, acting, sleeping (barely), there was waking up early for a quick chem class after a crazy night out, there were pubs and bars, there were trip with old friends, and there were trips with new friends, there were family dinners, there was past, and there was future, but, mainly, there was present. I lived in the moment almost every moment of this month, and nothing makes me more grateful to God, (I've been sounding religious in this post, so I'm sorry if that offends you in anyway or angers you, but I do have my beliefs) to my family, to my friends, and anyone who's made this month possible, than the times I've had. This is everything I could ask for.. I just wish it could last forever...
So I'll tell you about a few things that made the past two months (yes February you were pretty darn great yourself, and I was too busy to talk about you, and I'm sorry) into what they were.

#Favorite hair products:

1) Hair mask- Elvive Damage Care hair mask. I have never really had to use a hair mask before, because I have naturally healthy hair, but, when I dyed the ends of it blonde for the Ombre, it drained the life out of my hair. I bought this mask, because I used another conditioner from that company previously, and I loved it, but there wasn't the matching mask to that conditioner, so I took this one. It's helped my ends feel softer, and not so brittle. There are still split ends, because it's not a magical worker, but it helped tremendously. I use it once a week ever since February, and, since you don't need much (about ping pong ball amount-randomest description ever), it still isn't even close to running out, which is great, because you get value for the price you pay, which isn't even that much. I don't remember exactly how much it cost, but it wasn't bad at all.


2) Conditioner- Elvive Damage Care conditioner. From the same range as the hair mask, as you can see. When I saw how great the mask was, I picked up a matching conditioner to try it out, and it is amazing. Not only does it leave your hair really soft, and really easy to detangle, it also has the best scent ever. I am not kidding you about the amount of people who smelled my hair these past two months, and complimented me about how amazing it smells. I also got great compliments on the shine that I have to my hair, which is thanks to both products listed above.

#Makeup Products:

1) Eyeshadow- Charcoal Brown by MAC. I will be honest now, the most I did with this eyeshadow was really not eye related. I contoured with it. I know it sounds freaky since it's really pigmented, and dark, but what I did was place it in a thin line with my finger right below the jaw bone, and then blended it in really well with a blush brush. I also have a really high brow so I blend this in right at the bottom of
the brow bone, and a little into the crease if I want to look more put together. I love this shadow to pieces

2) Blush- Fleur Power by MAC. I was really into cheeks this month, which is quite an odd thing to say, but for the first time, if I hadn't done my cheeks I wouldn't have felt complete. This blush is absolutely gorgeous. It is really pigmented, especially if I use my Ecotools blush brush, for some reason, so you need to use it with a really light hand. I apply it a little off of my apples and more on the outer part of my cheek bones, and blend it onto my temples, because it makes you look younger than when applying to the apples themselves. I love this blush. It is a peachy, rosey, pink matte blush, which I love, because it looks natural, and I hate high shimmer on my cheeks.

3) Lipsticks:

*Media by MAC. It is a dark vempy color. It suits my olive skin tone so well, and makes my teeth look whiter. I love it, even though, when going into spring I was supposed to ditch the dark lip colors. I don't care. I sometimes play it down in the day time by putting Vaseline on first, and then it looks light and glossier. It's a satin finish, by the way.

*Racy by MAC. Unfortunately it is a limited collection lipstick. WHYYYY?!! It is from a collection that came out in 2008 I think, I found it in my sister's stuff, unopened, untouched, fabulous and ready for me to steal it from her, which I obviously did. Beautiful deep red color with golden shimmer running through it. Of course I can't find it now, and I can't find what finish it is online, but I think it might be frost. Doesn't matter, because you can't buy it anymore... *ANGRY*

*On Hold, also by MAC. Lovely lovely cranberry pink shade. Looks like the color of my lips but a few shades deeper. I love it for everyday, because it looks quite springy, but still a bit dark, because light lipsticks look pasty on me. It looks far too dark in the picture, but, oh well. It's a cremesheen finish. It's freaking lovely and comfortable to wear.

#Beauty:

 1) Perfume- Tresor Midnight Rose by Lancome. It smells freaking delicious, and I've been complimented on the smell of it, as well as the smell of my hair because of the conditioner, so many times it's gotten ridiculous. It smells like roses obviously, but not an overwhelming scent of roses, because I, myself don't like rosey scents all that much. I like deeper sweeter scents in general, so if you don't like a sweet scent, this could be quite sickening to you. It also smells like raspberries, and a little bit like vanilla and woody scents. I have not worn ANY other perfume since I got it last month, and I am one to choose perfume by mood, so I basically usually change it daily.

 #Entertainment:

1) Musician- Ed Sheeran. He is.... He is just... Unbelievable, and unbelievably talented. Not only does he sing like an angel, his lyrics are phenomenal, and his compositions are heartbreaking, he can cover any song like nothing in the world. I just... adore him. I've been listening to Miss You, Kiss Me, Small Bump, Give Me Love, Cold Coffee, Little Bird, his cover to Thrift Shop with another great artist, Passanger, that was in January's favorites, and to his cover of Don't Think Twice It's alright. He's one beautiful ginger man

2) Song-  Surprisingly, not by Ed, is the beautiful A Thing For Me by Metronomy, but not the original one, although I love it, as well. I am talking about the remix. It's the best thing, most catchy thing this world invented. It's my cookie to crumble if you know what I mean.

3) Movie- 21 Jump Street. I watched it for the first time about two weeks ago, and I laughed my eyes out. I just loved it.

4)T.V. Shows-

*Smallville. Started watching it again. Best show ever.

*Everwood. Had a fun time going back in time watching that show. Quite a crappy teen show but I liked it.

*New Girl. The new episodes just crack me up like nothing else.

4) Books-

*Divergent and Insurgent. Once I finally had time I read through them as fast as lightening. Love them both for their distopian creativity, and the amount of detail put into the book in order to create that world.

*Uglies. Another distopian series. I've just started Uglies, and I freaking love the book so much. I hope to read through them fast, but I barely got time. Again, so much detail put into the description of the place, but not in a boring dragging it too long kind of way. Love it.

*Kindle. Took it to Rome with me and read every night until I fell asleep holding it. I love that little thing. It holds up greatness. 


Hope with all of my heart that you have a great weekend, and that you are safe, and healthy, and surrounded by people you love. If there's ever a time of need go to the Contact Me page. I'm here!
XOXO Roni J.

The Ice Is Getting Thinner

Hello girls. How are you?
A few days ago I had a lot of questions popping up. Me and a guy friend of mine have been really... Rocky, might I say? I still have no idea if I can resolve it, if it can be resolved, and even if I want it resolved, but it has made me feel pretty woozy and down. I feel that in order to stay friends I have to give up my values and my freedom, and I don't like that. I've already said this a thousand times maybe, but I am a bird. If you tie up my wings, I won't be me, I won't be able to be truly happy. So I listened to this song that really represents what I feel. This song is "The Ice Is Getting Thinner" by Death Cab for Cutie. I've known this song for so long, but only now did I go back to listen to the lyrics, and it just made me cry. Out of quite obvious despair and annoyance with how things are and how I felt like a friendship I trusted a lot is falling apart and I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it while still being myself and doing what's right for me, I found myself sobbing. So I started typing, and this is what came out: "What do you do when a friendship falls apart? Something you trusted most is breaking like ice over a lake under the smallest of pressures as if it were glass slipping out of one's hand. The ice is getting thinner and thinner, and the things that seemed to keep this friendship from crashing down under harsher circumstances are slowly going away. The person you thought knew you best now barely understands the language that you're speaking. What DO you do when a friendship falls apart?"
I can't tell you that I care too much anymore, though. I realized that if I hadn't been honest with him the way I was, which is what started the fight, we would have anyways grown apart, because I'm not one to be willing to give up values of mine. They are called V-A-L-U-E-S for a reason. They are called it because they are valuable. They are worth far too much to be giving them up. Especially for a person who disrespects them and wouldn't give up any of his values for you. Mutuality is so important to me, and this case is not any different. In order for me to give up any of my values it's going to take a whole lot more than someone that I care about. It has to be someone that I care about and is worth caring about, and, as much as it pains me to say this, I'm just not sure he is.
I care about him a lot, I love him a lot, but I'm not willing to be his friend at the price of hurting other people and losing my freedom. Sometimes losing a friend is just the push that you needed in order to grow up and mature, or to find out what friendship means to you, or to find an answer to what IS friendship to you. I really have yet figured out what I want from him. Do I want to be his friend? Yes, but do I want him to listen to me and respect my words and values? All the more.
I'm such a Debbie Downer recently, you girls. I am so sincerely sorry for that, because I really don't mean to drag you down or make you feel like that. I am hoping things get better for me soon, so that I can write cheerful posts again.
Yet again here's an outfit of the day!
At first I styled it this way: This is a sweater from Zara, probably from like the nineties or something it's so old, that has always been really cropped on me because my figure is so tall that the width and length of shirts and pants usually doesn't match my figure. So I cropped it even more. The sweater is really light and colorful, so it's good for spring even if the print reminds you a lot of summer. I'm not sure if it's going to show up, but it has a shade of bright pink, green, red and gray.

For the first way I styled it was for school for something quick, so I didn't want to have too much skin showing. I tucked it into shorts from River Island in this aubergine-y shade, that have a nice flow to them to contrast the rather tighter silhouette of the sweater. In order to keep the cropped sweater from coming out while at school I put on a ribbon tied as a belt in a similar shade of gray to the one on the sweater. I do this a lot and it makes me feel like a little wrapped present.  
The second look I just let the sweater out and had it expose a little more skin. I also added one of my favorite necklaces. I think this style was more inspired by the character of Ivy on the show 90210. I love her style. I really do. 
This is it girls. Talk to you soon. XOXO Roni J.

Keeping Promises

Hello girls.
Was there ever a promise you didn't keep? Something you really wanted to stand by, but when the time came, you decided it's time to sit down. Something that when you look back ,you wish you would have, or wouldn't have done. Something you promised you wouldn't say, but the time called for it, so you went with it, said it, it poured out of your mouth and when it was out, there was just no way of getting those words back; back to where they came from, back to where they truly belong. Something that would be a good idea for you, a healthier decision for you to keep. Why don't we keep those?
Is it society that's making it seem like so hard, like too much of an effort to keep up with our promises? Is it society that makes it sound like temptation is good for us and that everything tempting is worth the risk? Is it us that we're so terrified of commitment? Is it people around us that doubt our abilities? Why?
Have you wondered about it later? Why it is that we want something so bad that we promise it to ourselves, maybe even vow, but there comes a day for some strange reason that we break that promise? We waste so much time making promises, so little time thinking about breaking them, and so much more time breaking them. Why do we make them then?
Obviously, I am also human. I make promises that I fail to keep all the time, but what drives me crazy is people who don't even make an effort at keeping them. Throwing away promises for them is like tossing an old juice box to the trash can.
Don't get me wrong. I think making promises is a good thing. It's even important. I think keeping those promises and making them come to life is even more important. It's rewarding. It shows an effort. It shows you care. I think they have a big weight to them and that they shouldn't just be dispersed in the air or tossed like they were some Frisbee.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need, we all need to give more thought before making promises to other people, to God, to ourselves, to other objects you might find lying around in the room for all I care, and more thought into breaking them. They were meant to be kept.
I don't know why I spoke about this subject necessarily. That's so random. Ok. Whatever came out I'm fine with. 

 So this is an outfit I wore a WHILE ago, but haven't yet posted.
I wore this tank top I love from Urban Outfitters. It's a really nice turquoise color and it has lace stripes in different widths all over it. My style isn't so girly that I feel right in everything that has lace on it, but this is just the right amount, and it's black lace rather than white or pink, so it's suits me much better.
I also wore my boutique bought Chinos in the same kind of turquoise, except a few shades lighter. I think that with the black lace it created this nice dimension to the outfit, but that might just be me.

For jewelery I decided to go with my colorful Michal Negrin earrings and the necklace that is very similar the the earrings except in different colors, also from Michal Negrin. If you hadn't noticed my love for her jewelery by now, than you haven't been around for long, probably. Her website was linked a few posts ago but here it is in case you missed out on it.
The shoes I wore are my beloved suede loafers from Urban Outfitters by the brand Minnetonka.
Other than that the rings are the usual rings, and stuff.
Please leave a comment down below and subscribe to this blog. XOXO Roni J.

This is Charlie Simpson. Now this guy is amazing. He's a British folk artist, and his songs are just so touching and the lyrics so inspiring, and his voice and the guitar just so so soothing. Hope you enjoy him. He's BY FAR one of my favorite artists and his songs can make me cry in a snap. Love him.

Back On Track

Or at the very least I hope so; at least for the time being. I just had a chemistry AP. Don't judge me, please. It went fairly alright. Not the best test I've had, but I got the results for my math AP, and I got 95, so that cheered me up :D. Oh the small things that make me happy. Like the humongous moon that appeared two days ago.
If you don't yet know this, or if I haven't blabbered about this subject enough in the past, my favorite thing, or rather things, about nature are the stars, the moon and the sun. I especially love the clear night skies. I don't have any idea why, but it calms me down. I will not force my belief upon anybody, but the truth is that it makes me feel like no matter what anybody says, there's something much bigger than us that's moving us and that directs us. Whether you're an astrologist, astronomer, christian, muslim, bahai, jew, whatever you choose to be, I'm really not about to name all the religions this world has to offer because there are more beliefs than people, I've found, the universe holds some crazy secrets that whomever or whatever is responsible for their creation is greatly admired by me. I mean some people think that it makes you see how small you really are, which is frightening, but to me it doesn't as though I'm so small, as much as it feels like there are literally worlds more to discover.
Some people are afraid of all the ways the universe can harm us. Us people, we harm ourselves more than the universe harms us, quite frankly. To be honest, I'd rather be killed by an asteroid than to be killed by a human, which seems to be rather likely these days.
Anyways this is just pointless blabber. The real thing I was going to talk about is my tiny disappointment. There was a race in town today and my dad and I were supposed to go, but he had a meeting scheduled last minute and therefore we didn't go. I really wish to be back on track with my physical activity, as well, but everything I try kind of fails miserably. I'll find something to do next school year I guess.
So here's the haul I've been promising for absolutely ages. Sorry for that.

 This first top is from a local boutique. Yes, again, I'm so sorry. It's a paisley print made out of really nice and flowy from a silk-like material. It has a zipper detailing on the pocket, which is simply what sold it for me. Easy to sell me stuff you're thinking? You're pretty darn right. A day beforehand I told myself there's no way I'll be seen wearing something paisley. Liar liar pants on fire, you'd be seen in almost any piece of clothing if given the chance. 

The next piece is a bikini top that I bought, yet again in a local store. I love it because of the tribal-like pattern and the bright colors without being neon pink all over which is really not my style if you ever wondered. Obviously as mentioned above, if I see something neon pink that I like, I will wear it, because I buy more than I talk. I'm kidding. I really don't.
The next two tops are both sleeveless button downs, as I've said I love in my favorites. Both are sheer, on the peachier tone of things, both from H&M and both are loved by me very much. The first one is a silky material on front with a cute floral print that's back is a chiffon sheer fabric.
The other one is just a sheer over all high-low shirt that I would love to wear to the beach with a bikini top underneath or with a cool bandeau underneath, or even a nice tank top that suits it. I was hoping to also get H&M's tribal printed sunglasses but they didn't have them in store which killed it for me and I still want to find them.
Anyways darlings, I hope we all have a good rest of the week and weekend, and that we go through the exams like we were butterflies in a field of flowers. Leave comments down below for suggestions, questions, or random things you want to say! XOXO Roni J.

  I have no idea why, but I got addicted to this song today, so I hope you enjoy it. It has no symbolic meaning for the text above like I usually do.

Gone With The Math Wind

As the title claims, I am here for now. The next few weeks until the very end of the school year are going to be a hurricane, so please don't be disappointed if there's a week with only one post coming up or even less, and especially not the more decorated put together posts, because I have so many tests that my mind's burning up.
This week I have chem test and two math tests that I really am trying not to be too stressed about, because frankly that's what screws me up and makes me fail miserably (not that I actually fail, but I've been getting bad scores because of stressing myself out), so, you girls, wish me luck, please!
How have you been? To my sad impression you don't really like leaving comments which I would love to get. Don't worry about being good at English or whatever, because that, honestly, doesn't matter to me at all.
I am taking pictures of outfit of the days all the time for you, though not really able to take the time and do a real post to my awful dismay.
Other than that things haven't really changed, gone wrong, or gone fabulous. I don't have any boy drama, thank whatever higher force you believe in if you do. School is a little stressful, but I mean it could be because I just had a really long spring break, and I'm just not used to working my bum off. Yet. My family is great actually. Dad decided to stop smoking, which in my opinion is a great thing that will be healthy for us as a family and individually, and especially good for him. I am very proud of that life choice he has taken. My friends and I all made up (the ones I had fights with), and I really am just happy with my place in the food chain right now. I feel almost like a T-Rex, a super omnivore. I am honestly trying my best at not letting things get to me.
I am optimistic, very, which is a good thing for me to be at this point. I mean usually towards the end of the school year I am powerless, but this year I'm charging up to go at it full force.
Now here are three outfits from these past not so few days:

The first outfit was worn on an extremely humid day, and therefore I didn't wear any jewelery, but I did go to see 21 Jump Street, which was HILARIOUS, so try to go out and see it. An added plus is that Channing Tatum is extremely attractive, and I'm shallow like that. Hence the sweater in case I get cold in the theater, and I always get cold in the theater. The cardigan is from Zara and it has been featured more time than the dear beloved queen waves her hand in one day. The T-shirt is just an old T-shirt of my sister's that has a yellow cab on it and, I really like it. The shoes I was wearing are my Aldo black sandals that cannot be replaced in my heart, as far as my eyes have seen up until now.

This next outfit was worn on a day home when I didn't feel like putting too much effort into. I wore my mom's mint tank top with lace trimming at the neck that I steal all the time. Again I didn't wear any jewelery just because I was really lazy and was just solving math tests for nobody to hear or see. The shorts are from last summer's Urban Outfitter's collection. They're dotted all over, high waisted and have scalloped edges. The little short-sleeved cardigan is from Topshop, and I don't love it, but still I needed color. I didn't really wear shoes, because my feet love their freedom when possible.

The last outfit for today is an outfit I wore to school, and it has an autumn-ish vibe to it, but really it felt a lot like a fall day that day. I centered it around the necklace that I bought in a local boutique (for more information about the boutiques I shop at send me a comment so that I can answer you later more privately). I wore a plain gray T-shirt from Old Navy, which I always buy my basic T's from, with some high waisted denim shorts, again from a local store. Under the shorts I wore black tights and I paired them up with my shoes from Urban Outfitters that I saw Ivy from 90210 wearing in the last episode I think that came out, or the one before, and got really stupidly fan girly excited about it. That girl is a style icon for me, although I would never be able to imitate her. Other than that I wore all my regular rings and my lucky bracelet my dad bought me.

Anyways I really am desperate for your replies and thoughts and so on so please comment. Remember that "wherever I go, each moment away, I'm missing you more than I can say" as the lovely Karima Francis says in her addictive song "Wherever I Go". Have an awesome week! XOXO Roni J.