Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.

Fragile (May Favorites)

Hey girls (and boys. Do we have any boys here? If so, tell me, I feel like I would hate it if no one referred to me when I was reading a blog of theirs). How has this month passed? Was it any better than the last? Any worse (oh gosh I hope not).
So when I was about 13, I think, I went to a summer camp with a friend. It was a bible camp, even though that's not really my thing. I went there because she is my best friend (to this day), and it was a lot of fun, when I look back. The subject that year was fragile. How the world is so very fragile, how relationships are so very fragile, and how we need to take care of our surroundings, because we can never put together the pieces exactly the way they were before they cracked or shattered (depends on the case really). English is not my first language, so I didn't really know what the meaning was at first, but as time passed I came to know what this means.
The definition of fragile from dictionary.com is: easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail.

In other words, I guess, it means breakable.
I don't know if I told you this before, but my sister left about a week ago to live abroad for a few months. I don't think I really have to stress how hard it was to have her leave, and how much I miss her every day she's away, and how hard it is to hear she's going through something hard and not to be able to hug her and to be there for her.
Yesterday my mother talk to her on Skype before she came home and she texted me "Will be held back a little, on Skype with your sister. Boy crisis". My sister met a guy before she went abroad who lives there and they talked almost everyday on Skype, and when she visited a few months ago they were doing alright and all this time he seems interested. As well as since she got there about a week ago.
Yesterday, after spending an entire day with her, a day she felt was perfect, a day when he was, apparently, marking his territory in front of his friends, after all that, he decides he doesn't want her anymore, and he just told her it's not what he wants.
Understandable. The guy decides that's not what he wants. I actually appreciate the honesty, but he could have said it sooner, he could have made her understand that he's not interested rather than making her believe that he really wants something to happen between them, he could have not waited this long, he could have not marked territory or waited a whole day to say it. But he didn't.
My sister is much more breakable than I am. Part of it is the fact that I let no one in maybe, and I am very calculated rather than gut follower. I almost never break, surely not in front of the person responsible, and I'm able of holding it in and not letting at show through. It's my specialty really.
I can honestly say I had a thousand scenarios of what I should have done to the guy who broke my sister's heart like, to the point where every time she heard our voices (voices from home) she started weeping. I am so protective of my family, especially her since she is, as I've said, so fragile.
My heart breaks at the sight of any person with a broken heart. I cry like a little girl. I mean, while watching Kyle XY, there were quite a few heart broken moments and I cried in each and every one of them. While watching the Hunger Games, I cried when Gale saw Peeta and Katniss kiss even thought I like Peeta better, just because I knew his heart must have been breaking, and those are fictional characters, so seeing someone real going through heartbreak, and someone that I love as much as I love my sister, I simply broke down.
Good thing I talked to her over the phone last night, because my voice did crack a little, but I really didn't want her to see the tears. Just hearing her cry, her voice so aching, her wanting to come back home, it was so hard not to cry.
Over all I think today she's probably better. I hope so. I will move on to my favorites right about now.

*Favorite T.V. Show: Kyle X.Y. I have literally talked about this a thousand times it feels like, but this is genuinely THE best show I have seen in a REALLY REALLY long time. It is a complete fiction, kind of science fiction teen drama show. I love it. I'm still not able to see the last episode they shot before the show got canceled, because I seriously don't want it to end.




*Favorite Person: Jean-Luc Bilodeau. This is the guy that plays Kyle's adoptive brother in the show and I can seriously say that, besides his good looks, he can portray so much emotion, he's funny, and half of the times I cried about something in the show (I cry a lot at seeing other people's pain) it was because of him. I am happy to say that he's coming out with a show called Baby Daddy very very soon, so I'll be on the lookout for it :) (It's going to be on ABC Family for whomever is in the U.S. and would like to try it out). Hopefully it's good. Just don't kill me if it isn't.

*Favorite Mascara: Loreal's Telescopic in brown. I know I said last month that I love PUPA's mascara, and I do think it is a great mascara, but the wand is SO extremely thick and uncomfortable. I love the formula, but the wand kills it for me. So I got back to using Loreal's Telescopic, which is also more lengthening, I would think, than the PUPA one, which I want more of than I want a thickening one. The wand is absolutely tiny, which is perfect for the bottom lushes as well. I like it!




*Favorite Artist: Paolo Nutini. This guy will forever, I hope, be my favorite artist. His lyrics are amazing, his voice sends chill up and down my spine, he is amazing (I haven't said it before enough). I have discovered new songs of his and I just fell in love all over again.

Favorite Song: Wake Up by Arcade Fire covered by (surprise surprise) Paolo Nutini. Amazing cover. So heartfelt and.... I just love him obviously.
Have a great weekend!!! XOXO Roni J.!

Change.

Hello ladies,
How are you?
I am doing fairly well. The only things that's bringing me down is that my sister is out of the country for 3 months and I really miss her, but, as long as I hear that she's doing well, I don't really mind it.
Today I sort of wanted to talk to you about the one thing most of us fear the most around this time of year. Bikinis. *Scary music in the background followed by a high pitched yelp*. Yours truly also has some insecurities about herself (if not a high score at insecurities and low self esteem), but as always I'm trying my best to make a change.
I have decided to stop complaining and start loving the way I am or acting up. You see, the more we tell ourselves we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not cute enough, not sexy enough, too tall, too fat, too bootylicious, the more we believe ourselves and the less motivation we have to change it, and the less we are capable of loving ourselves, because we make ourselves believe that it's engraved in who we are, that it couldn't be changed even if we wanted to.
My definition of love is accepting one's flaws and embracing them. It doesn't only apply on loving other people. Make it apply to how you feel about yourself. 
So no, this time of year you won't find me grieving over the fact that my chest is too small or that my hips don't lie. I have decided that no one is going to change how I feel about myself but myself. I have also decided that I have no right to complain, and that if I feel like complaining about something that can be changed, I will change it rather than complain, and that if I feel like hating myself for something that cannot be changed in the present or in the near future, I better start accepting it the way it is.
Some of you might think I'm stupid while others will agree, but my biggest insecurity about my appearance, I would think, is my legs. Not only are they scarred like crazy from years of falling on my knees, getting scratched by my cat or shaving mistakes (OUCH), but I also have a real issue with their shape.
So this is something doable. I have decided this is my goal for the month of June. My friend who used to swim competitively will help me with dry land work outs that she used to do when she was on the team, and I will slowly strengthen my thighs so that I feel more comfortable with them. At the end of the months, after doing a routine hopefully everyday, I will tell you how it went and if I really stuck to my decision.
I suggest you join me and pick an insecurity of yours that you can gradually change over the course of next month and share your feelings with me, too!

Take inspiration from everything you see to inspire everyone you know. Enjoy this song by Keane- "Everybody's Changing". Have A great weekend. XOXO Roni J.

The Ice Is Getting Thinner

Hello girls. How are you?
A few days ago I had a lot of questions popping up. Me and a guy friend of mine have been really... Rocky, might I say? I still have no idea if I can resolve it, if it can be resolved, and even if I want it resolved, but it has made me feel pretty woozy and down. I feel that in order to stay friends I have to give up my values and my freedom, and I don't like that. I've already said this a thousand times maybe, but I am a bird. If you tie up my wings, I won't be me, I won't be able to be truly happy. So I listened to this song that really represents what I feel. This song is "The Ice Is Getting Thinner" by Death Cab for Cutie. I've known this song for so long, but only now did I go back to listen to the lyrics, and it just made me cry. Out of quite obvious despair and annoyance with how things are and how I felt like a friendship I trusted a lot is falling apart and I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it while still being myself and doing what's right for me, I found myself sobbing. So I started typing, and this is what came out: "What do you do when a friendship falls apart? Something you trusted most is breaking like ice over a lake under the smallest of pressures as if it were glass slipping out of one's hand. The ice is getting thinner and thinner, and the things that seemed to keep this friendship from crashing down under harsher circumstances are slowly going away. The person you thought knew you best now barely understands the language that you're speaking. What DO you do when a friendship falls apart?"
I can't tell you that I care too much anymore, though. I realized that if I hadn't been honest with him the way I was, which is what started the fight, we would have anyways grown apart, because I'm not one to be willing to give up values of mine. They are called V-A-L-U-E-S for a reason. They are called it because they are valuable. They are worth far too much to be giving them up. Especially for a person who disrespects them and wouldn't give up any of his values for you. Mutuality is so important to me, and this case is not any different. In order for me to give up any of my values it's going to take a whole lot more than someone that I care about. It has to be someone that I care about and is worth caring about, and, as much as it pains me to say this, I'm just not sure he is.
I care about him a lot, I love him a lot, but I'm not willing to be his friend at the price of hurting other people and losing my freedom. Sometimes losing a friend is just the push that you needed in order to grow up and mature, or to find out what friendship means to you, or to find an answer to what IS friendship to you. I really have yet figured out what I want from him. Do I want to be his friend? Yes, but do I want him to listen to me and respect my words and values? All the more.
I'm such a Debbie Downer recently, you girls. I am so sincerely sorry for that, because I really don't mean to drag you down or make you feel like that. I am hoping things get better for me soon, so that I can write cheerful posts again.
Yet again here's an outfit of the day!
At first I styled it this way: This is a sweater from Zara, probably from like the nineties or something it's so old, that has always been really cropped on me because my figure is so tall that the width and length of shirts and pants usually doesn't match my figure. So I cropped it even more. The sweater is really light and colorful, so it's good for spring even if the print reminds you a lot of summer. I'm not sure if it's going to show up, but it has a shade of bright pink, green, red and gray.

For the first way I styled it was for school for something quick, so I didn't want to have too much skin showing. I tucked it into shorts from River Island in this aubergine-y shade, that have a nice flow to them to contrast the rather tighter silhouette of the sweater. In order to keep the cropped sweater from coming out while at school I put on a ribbon tied as a belt in a similar shade of gray to the one on the sweater. I do this a lot and it makes me feel like a little wrapped present.  
The second look I just let the sweater out and had it expose a little more skin. I also added one of my favorite necklaces. I think this style was more inspired by the character of Ivy on the show 90210. I love her style. I really do. 
This is it girls. Talk to you soon. XOXO Roni J.

Keeping Promises

Hello girls.
Was there ever a promise you didn't keep? Something you really wanted to stand by, but when the time came, you decided it's time to sit down. Something that when you look back ,you wish you would have, or wouldn't have done. Something you promised you wouldn't say, but the time called for it, so you went with it, said it, it poured out of your mouth and when it was out, there was just no way of getting those words back; back to where they came from, back to where they truly belong. Something that would be a good idea for you, a healthier decision for you to keep. Why don't we keep those?
Is it society that's making it seem like so hard, like too much of an effort to keep up with our promises? Is it society that makes it sound like temptation is good for us and that everything tempting is worth the risk? Is it us that we're so terrified of commitment? Is it people around us that doubt our abilities? Why?
Have you wondered about it later? Why it is that we want something so bad that we promise it to ourselves, maybe even vow, but there comes a day for some strange reason that we break that promise? We waste so much time making promises, so little time thinking about breaking them, and so much more time breaking them. Why do we make them then?
Obviously, I am also human. I make promises that I fail to keep all the time, but what drives me crazy is people who don't even make an effort at keeping them. Throwing away promises for them is like tossing an old juice box to the trash can.
Don't get me wrong. I think making promises is a good thing. It's even important. I think keeping those promises and making them come to life is even more important. It's rewarding. It shows an effort. It shows you care. I think they have a big weight to them and that they shouldn't just be dispersed in the air or tossed like they were some Frisbee.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need, we all need to give more thought before making promises to other people, to God, to ourselves, to other objects you might find lying around in the room for all I care, and more thought into breaking them. They were meant to be kept.
I don't know why I spoke about this subject necessarily. That's so random. Ok. Whatever came out I'm fine with. 

 So this is an outfit I wore a WHILE ago, but haven't yet posted.
I wore this tank top I love from Urban Outfitters. It's a really nice turquoise color and it has lace stripes in different widths all over it. My style isn't so girly that I feel right in everything that has lace on it, but this is just the right amount, and it's black lace rather than white or pink, so it's suits me much better.
I also wore my boutique bought Chinos in the same kind of turquoise, except a few shades lighter. I think that with the black lace it created this nice dimension to the outfit, but that might just be me.

For jewelery I decided to go with my colorful Michal Negrin earrings and the necklace that is very similar the the earrings except in different colors, also from Michal Negrin. If you hadn't noticed my love for her jewelery by now, than you haven't been around for long, probably. Her website was linked a few posts ago but here it is in case you missed out on it.
The shoes I wore are my beloved suede loafers from Urban Outfitters by the brand Minnetonka.
Other than that the rings are the usual rings, and stuff.
Please leave a comment down below and subscribe to this blog. XOXO Roni J.

This is Charlie Simpson. Now this guy is amazing. He's a British folk artist, and his songs are just so touching and the lyrics so inspiring, and his voice and the guitar just so so soothing. Hope you enjoy him. He's BY FAR one of my favorite artists and his songs can make me cry in a snap. Love him.

Back On Track

Or at the very least I hope so; at least for the time being. I just had a chemistry AP. Don't judge me, please. It went fairly alright. Not the best test I've had, but I got the results for my math AP, and I got 95, so that cheered me up :D. Oh the small things that make me happy. Like the humongous moon that appeared two days ago.
If you don't yet know this, or if I haven't blabbered about this subject enough in the past, my favorite thing, or rather things, about nature are the stars, the moon and the sun. I especially love the clear night skies. I don't have any idea why, but it calms me down. I will not force my belief upon anybody, but the truth is that it makes me feel like no matter what anybody says, there's something much bigger than us that's moving us and that directs us. Whether you're an astrologist, astronomer, christian, muslim, bahai, jew, whatever you choose to be, I'm really not about to name all the religions this world has to offer because there are more beliefs than people, I've found, the universe holds some crazy secrets that whomever or whatever is responsible for their creation is greatly admired by me. I mean some people think that it makes you see how small you really are, which is frightening, but to me it doesn't as though I'm so small, as much as it feels like there are literally worlds more to discover.
Some people are afraid of all the ways the universe can harm us. Us people, we harm ourselves more than the universe harms us, quite frankly. To be honest, I'd rather be killed by an asteroid than to be killed by a human, which seems to be rather likely these days.
Anyways this is just pointless blabber. The real thing I was going to talk about is my tiny disappointment. There was a race in town today and my dad and I were supposed to go, but he had a meeting scheduled last minute and therefore we didn't go. I really wish to be back on track with my physical activity, as well, but everything I try kind of fails miserably. I'll find something to do next school year I guess.
So here's the haul I've been promising for absolutely ages. Sorry for that.

 This first top is from a local boutique. Yes, again, I'm so sorry. It's a paisley print made out of really nice and flowy from a silk-like material. It has a zipper detailing on the pocket, which is simply what sold it for me. Easy to sell me stuff you're thinking? You're pretty darn right. A day beforehand I told myself there's no way I'll be seen wearing something paisley. Liar liar pants on fire, you'd be seen in almost any piece of clothing if given the chance. 

The next piece is a bikini top that I bought, yet again in a local store. I love it because of the tribal-like pattern and the bright colors without being neon pink all over which is really not my style if you ever wondered. Obviously as mentioned above, if I see something neon pink that I like, I will wear it, because I buy more than I talk. I'm kidding. I really don't.
The next two tops are both sleeveless button downs, as I've said I love in my favorites. Both are sheer, on the peachier tone of things, both from H&M and both are loved by me very much. The first one is a silky material on front with a cute floral print that's back is a chiffon sheer fabric.
The other one is just a sheer over all high-low shirt that I would love to wear to the beach with a bikini top underneath or with a cool bandeau underneath, or even a nice tank top that suits it. I was hoping to also get H&M's tribal printed sunglasses but they didn't have them in store which killed it for me and I still want to find them.
Anyways darlings, I hope we all have a good rest of the week and weekend, and that we go through the exams like we were butterflies in a field of flowers. Leave comments down below for suggestions, questions, or random things you want to say! XOXO Roni J.

  I have no idea why, but I got addicted to this song today, so I hope you enjoy it. It has no symbolic meaning for the text above like I usually do.

Here's To.... (April Favorites)

Hello girls!
How have you been doing lately?
I have been doing better with the whole stress situation, and things are a little more calm again.
I have had a few things in April that really are worth toasting to:
Here's to being able to handle stress, and jump over every hurdle that's in my way even though I hate running.
Here's to being able to show myself that I am so much better than I give myself credit for.
Here's to learning how to stand up for myself, who I am, what I believe in, and what's important to me.
Here's to taking the space I need desperately, to stepping back, relaxing, to being selfish as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else.
Here's to knowing that being selfish (obviously as long as it doesn't hurt anybody) is human,
 allowed, and even necessary.
Here's to knowing what I want and achieving like a little princess rather than bawling and not getting myself anywhere.
Here's to looking forward into the future rather than digging into the past.
Here's to getting over people (not only guys) that do you wrong.
Here's to getting past issues and to forgiving.
Here's to knowing who I am, and not letting anybody, NO FREAKING BODY, tell me whom                                                                              You ain't got the right to tell me
I should be like or what I should be like.                       When and where to go, no right to tell me
Here's to doing what I think or feel is right.                  Acting like you own me lately
Here's to doing what IS right.                                        Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
Here's for the past knowing where to stay.
Here's for loving the world.                                         
Here's to complimenting others
Here's to loving who I am.
Cheers!

Mis favoritos son:

* Perfume! This month's favorite perfume of mine is Escada's "Escada". This perfume is sincerely SO good. It's smells like what angels would sound like if that makes any sense at all. It is pure, clean and fresh, which are all the things I would like to smell like in the sweaty months of the summer, but I'm on my last few drops and I haven't really seen it in drugstores, so hopefully when I go on the delegation in July (HURRAY!) I will find it in the duty free.
Fragrance Notes: . Notes include Bergamot, Black Currant, Leafy Greens, Cucumber, Italian Lemon, Sea Breeze Accord, Freesia, Honeydew, Magnolia, Jasmine, Muguet, Rose, Orange Blossom, Peony, Amber, Musk, Nectarine, Vanilla, Orris, Patchouli, Sandalwood.
Usually I absolutely despise scents with jasmine in them, so the fact that I like it so flipping much means a lot.

*Trend! My favorite trend for this month is sleeveless button up shirts! I will do a haul soon and show you the two I got from H&M, but here's an example from Urban Outfitters that I wanted to get really badly, but I haven't gotten around to buying it. Oh, well.


* Face wash! My favorite face wash was given to me by a friend that doesn't like this, and I used it when I slept over at her house. Apparently she ran out of hers while being abroad so she bought it instead and didn't like it. This thing is miraculous! The Clean & Clear blackhead clearing daily scrub is just one of the best face washes I've used and it is so very cheap. It is oil free, but even though I have dry to normal skin it's moisturizing in the right way. I don't use it everyday, because it's a scrub, which can irritate the skin and all, but it is GREAT.


*Concealer combo! I have really no right to complain about acne or whatever, but my under eye circles can look like a rainbow on a good day. These products are what I feel like do the best job in covering those babies up. First I put a real thin layer of the Garnier roll-on that is supposed to have caffeine that wakens your eyes in the morning, and cooling ingredients that are supposed to de-puff. I got the formula that is a little tinted, but in my opinion it is a little too orange, which is good for a corrector under the concealer so that the rather toneless concealer will not look blue. The concealer is good for both covering up circles, and for covering up acne. This concealer is PUPA's stick concealer in the shade 01 if anyone was wondering. Really both are amazing on their own, but in my case, with all the lack of sleep and the stress, the answer is BOTH.

*Mascara! Again PUPA's product, the Diva's Lashes mascara by them, which really volumizes your lashes and gives great definition. I'm still on the hunt for a more elongating one, so for any ideas and suggestions, hit the comments!

*Blush! Victoria's Secret's Very Sexy blush in Runway. It has two shades of pink that are really pretty. One is really shimmery, though, so anyone that doesn't like it can still use the side with the non-shimmery blush color which is completely matte. They're a peachy tone, but leaning more towards pink, so they look super natural, even though in the container they are SCAREY bright.

*Bronzer! Jade's Indian Wood bronzer is a shimmery rose-gold like tone. I like the shimmer because it adds dimensions to my face and gives it a natural looking glow that I don't have because of my pretty dry skin. If you don't like it STEP AWAY FROM IT, for your sake, really. Its tone enables it to multifunction as blush, as well.

* Lip product! Sephora's lip gloss in Pink Ballerina is the most beautiful light shade of pink that gives your lips the most natural glossy look. I have had the sampke size for forever now, and it is really holding up. Its texture is not sticky, and very moisturizing, but to be honest, although the smell is nice, the taste is a little iffy.

* Person! Honestly, and this is going to sound ridiculous, but my math teacher. She helped get more sure of myself and get through all the tests with good grades. She helped me feel better about myself and calm the heck down rather than FREAK OUT!

* Pride! My sister is finally decisive and decided on doing something useful for what she loves. She loves fashion as much as I do if not three times as much, and she decided on doing a local designers sale this Friday. I am so proud of her. Even the press was making an announcement about it.

* Singer! Olly Murs- this guy can sing! I love him so freaking much, for his cute upbeat music (for me that is upbeat, since I listen to depressing music all the time. Oopsies). I love his lyrics, which, to me, are the most important part of the song.

*Song! Anna Sun by Walk the Moon is definately my most played over and over song this month. Cheerful and cute, and the lead singer's moves just add on to this really, sincerely lovely song.  Give it a listen.




That's all girls! Love you very much! XOXO Roni J.
Here's to the month of May.
Cheers!

Saying Goodbye

Hey girls,
don't get freaked out by the title this does not mean by any way that I'm ditching you, but I had  to talk to you about something that's been weighing me down.
I'm sure this probably happens to everybody and surely in a much worse way than it happened to me, but today I said a rough goodbye to someone. That someone is my dog. She lives with my aunt and uncle, so I won't see her again before they put her down tomorrow. She is a beautiful dog, smart, kind and innocent, and she is so human; more human than a lot of other people I know. We named her Joy when we first got her, and the truth is she really did bring us all joy.
Lately, though, she hasn't been feeling too good, she was weak and old, and she was diagnosed with a tumor. She is not as full of joy as she once were. She can barely get up or wiggle that cute little tail of hers. I knew I had to see her before she was put down, and hence I went over and sat down with her for a while, hugged her, tried to ease her pain as much as I could, but I realized I have no healing powers in my hands, and after an hour or so I left her.
I thought that saying goodbye to her would be better than what had happened to me the last time I lost someone that was close to my heart. She was my nanny when I was just a tiny little thing, and she had diabetes for a long time before she had passed, but I didn't want to see her hurting so bad I guess, and so I put off seeing her for a long time, and then she passed away, and I was so full of shame and regret that I still haven't gotten over the fact that I should have at least paid her the respect she deserved and come and visit her.
My rule to myself in life is to never do something that I know I will not be proud of, and when I do something that I'm not entirely proud
of, to not regret it and look on the bright side of doing it.    "You're gonna have to leave me now, I
This was the first time I actually really regretted                  know. I'll see you in the sky above, in
something that I've done, or rather haven't done,                  in the tall grass, in the ones I love.You're
and couldn't look past the guilt to the bright side of it.         gonna make me lonesome when you go"
When I went to see Joy, my nanny's funeral kept popping
into my head and I thought that this was the right thing to do, but it didn't hurt any less. I didn't feel guilty, but I saw her in her misery and all I could wish was that there truly is a heaven, and that she gets to be the first in line to go through the gates of it.
I'm sorry for the rather sad post. I just really had to share you know?
On a brighter note...

Here's an outfit of the day from a while back.
The polka dotted cropped top is vintage from my mother's closet. The black high waisted jeggings I think were from Urban Outfitters, but I was gifted them so I don't know. The necklace again is from Michal Negrin. If you want the link to her site, I posted it a while ago so look in previous posts. The earrings are from H&M last year, and the shoes I wore are my Aldo black sandals that have been in basically every post.
Take care! Roni J.

Gone With The Math Wind

As the title claims, I am here for now. The next few weeks until the very end of the school year are going to be a hurricane, so please don't be disappointed if there's a week with only one post coming up or even less, and especially not the more decorated put together posts, because I have so many tests that my mind's burning up.
This week I have chem test and two math tests that I really am trying not to be too stressed about, because frankly that's what screws me up and makes me fail miserably (not that I actually fail, but I've been getting bad scores because of stressing myself out), so, you girls, wish me luck, please!
How have you been? To my sad impression you don't really like leaving comments which I would love to get. Don't worry about being good at English or whatever, because that, honestly, doesn't matter to me at all.
I am taking pictures of outfit of the days all the time for you, though not really able to take the time and do a real post to my awful dismay.
Other than that things haven't really changed, gone wrong, or gone fabulous. I don't have any boy drama, thank whatever higher force you believe in if you do. School is a little stressful, but I mean it could be because I just had a really long spring break, and I'm just not used to working my bum off. Yet. My family is great actually. Dad decided to stop smoking, which in my opinion is a great thing that will be healthy for us as a family and individually, and especially good for him. I am very proud of that life choice he has taken. My friends and I all made up (the ones I had fights with), and I really am just happy with my place in the food chain right now. I feel almost like a T-Rex, a super omnivore. I am honestly trying my best at not letting things get to me.
I am optimistic, very, which is a good thing for me to be at this point. I mean usually towards the end of the school year I am powerless, but this year I'm charging up to go at it full force.
Now here are three outfits from these past not so few days:

The first outfit was worn on an extremely humid day, and therefore I didn't wear any jewelery, but I did go to see 21 Jump Street, which was HILARIOUS, so try to go out and see it. An added plus is that Channing Tatum is extremely attractive, and I'm shallow like that. Hence the sweater in case I get cold in the theater, and I always get cold in the theater. The cardigan is from Zara and it has been featured more time than the dear beloved queen waves her hand in one day. The T-shirt is just an old T-shirt of my sister's that has a yellow cab on it and, I really like it. The shoes I was wearing are my Aldo black sandals that cannot be replaced in my heart, as far as my eyes have seen up until now.

This next outfit was worn on a day home when I didn't feel like putting too much effort into. I wore my mom's mint tank top with lace trimming at the neck that I steal all the time. Again I didn't wear any jewelery just because I was really lazy and was just solving math tests for nobody to hear or see. The shorts are from last summer's Urban Outfitter's collection. They're dotted all over, high waisted and have scalloped edges. The little short-sleeved cardigan is from Topshop, and I don't love it, but still I needed color. I didn't really wear shoes, because my feet love their freedom when possible.

The last outfit for today is an outfit I wore to school, and it has an autumn-ish vibe to it, but really it felt a lot like a fall day that day. I centered it around the necklace that I bought in a local boutique (for more information about the boutiques I shop at send me a comment so that I can answer you later more privately). I wore a plain gray T-shirt from Old Navy, which I always buy my basic T's from, with some high waisted denim shorts, again from a local store. Under the shorts I wore black tights and I paired them up with my shoes from Urban Outfitters that I saw Ivy from 90210 wearing in the last episode I think that came out, or the one before, and got really stupidly fan girly excited about it. That girl is a style icon for me, although I would never be able to imitate her. Other than that I wore all my regular rings and my lucky bracelet my dad bought me.

Anyways I really am desperate for your replies and thoughts and so on so please comment. Remember that "wherever I go, each moment away, I'm missing you more than I can say" as the lovely Karima Francis says in her addictive song "Wherever I Go". Have an awesome week! XOXO Roni J.

New Beginnings

Hello girls.
I know how it's not really the beginning of spring anymore, nor is it new year's for any religion that I know of, but I am going back to school in about two days, and I need something fresh to hold me through the exams and the stress. I cleaned things out with my guy friend G. with whom I had a fight yesterday. To be quite honest I was surprised that he was the first one to approach the other and ask to forget things, but he was for forgetting and not getting into it, which I guess is okay for getting to be exactly the way things were before, but it doesn't really solve any problem we had between us, which is exactly what I wanted to realize during the fight. He's just covering everything up so that on the surface it looks alright, but does it actually make things better? I think not. I'm just glad we're not falling apart, to be frank, because he IS really important to me, but I don't like leaving things undone.
Another thing I need a fresh start with is GUYS. I know we probably went about this thirty seven time, or at least the amount of blog posts I've posted up until now, but today I realized that I am still in love with a guy I fell in love with over 4 years ago, and that is plain ridicules. He was an amazing guy and I have no regrets for falling for him or anything, if anything, he's probably the best guy I have ever had feelings for, or at least was the best guy at the time. He lives very far away, in my old town, nothing happened between us, and in October I went there for the first time in two years. I knew this from the start that it will hurt, and I think a part of me wanted to go, because he is my first love, and I wanted to feel that pain again. The thing with me is that I never fully get over a guy. I fall in love with others. I don't think about him as much, but once in a while I get caught up with the memories of him. It's a good thing that I don't see him as much anymore, and that I will probably never see him again, because seeing him really hurt me and raised questions that I don't know how to answer. On the other hand, as I've said already, I hate leaving things undone, unfixed, unsolved. I need that closure, and I will never get it because there was never really something there.

This memory of him keeps running through my mind today and I really need to let it out somehow, because otherwise it might drive me insane, and the thing is that I really don't feel comfortable bothering my friends with telling them this, because I don't think they would understand, and I really don't want them to know, how much of a hopeless romantic I am. On the outside, in order to not get hurt I just build myself up to look bulletproof. The truth is that I've just been punctured pretty thoroughly with so many bullets that there's really not much more to hit and there for the bullets keep missing, if that makes any sense.
The memory I have of that boy, A., is us waiting out by the school to get picked up. Now, this was a private school so the entire grade knows each other, it's not massive. There was a little square where the parking lot is where there's a flagpole, benches, grass and stuff. I remember it being a really cold day, and it was us and a few more people waiting. I am not much of an expressive lover, again probably because of my defenses, so I wasn't much of a boy-hugger at the time, just like today I'm not much of a kisser, it just makes me feel a little awkward, and it was a really big deal for me at the time. I remember that although it was cold, I was wearing something pretty short. I remember it probably being on of the two happiest days of my life in the romance department, and you can see how dull and stupid they are. The simple feeling of being hugged from behind by this boy I think I'm in love with. I was so young I don't even know if I could have perceived how much I felt for him for being so far away from getting him. The two things I remember him saying during that whole situation is something along the lines of "you project warmth" and something along the lines of "my mother might see this and think the wrong things". How the flipping duck did this make me happy, how messed up and blind does a girl have to be to no even think of the words he's saying that are either as deep as the little pee ponds they have for toddlers as a pool, or completely and utterly insulting. I say a lot. Either it was plain stupidity or real love, but me being all full of ego, I'd rather think that I'm an intellectual.
I just need desperately to be rid of my feelings for him, because if it's the casual status update of his Facebook, the fact that his current girlfriend is one of my best friends, or the sincere fact that when I was there he didn't even bother with saying hello to me, or hugging me goodbye, because I will probably never see him again, for that matter, which stung like my lungs were punctured, it just all hurts far too much. There is an endless number of possibilities that are so near, and much more attainable, so why keep dishing on the past?
Onto the more fashion-beauty related part of the post. I recently got a gift from my mom for spring to be able to pick whatever I want at the drugstore for a certain amount of money, and I wanted to haul it.



The two items are by the same brand called Jadé from France I'm almost certain, which is rather inexpensive and really great quality, and therefore I am kind of surprised that it's not covered anywhere, and that I haven't heard of it from another beauty blogger or Youtuber, ever. These are not the first items I've purchased from this brand, and thus far I really love all their products, so check it out if you will. The first item is a lipstick shade in Marigold or 457 which is a beautiful bright coral-ly color for spring. It's kind of similar to my So Chaud lipstick from MAC, but it is more pink toned than the true tangerine color of So Chaud, and I absolutely love it.  The packaging is pretty dandy and expensive looking.

The second thing I got is a nail polish by them. It's shade's name is Award Blue and its number is 393, and it is just the most beautiful shade of electric cobalt blue with really fine shimmer on it. I love nail polishes like that for the summer because even if they're not the brightest or most summery shades I love it when they glitter in the sun. It's just so beautiful. These are the pictures of it in the bottle, and swatched on my nails. I couldn't find ANY information about the brand online, which seems extremely odd to me so I'll do some more research for you, and come back with options of where you can buy it in popular drugstores, and maybe where you can hear some more about it. Love you Fashionistas! Goodnight, XOXO, Roni J.

Well, I Have A Lot On My Heart

Dear, dear Fashionistas,
How've you been? I, well, I have been all over the place.
I don't know, maybe it's because it's "the moon's cycle", if you know what I mean, and I haven't actually been depressed or sad or anything, but I did have temper issues. I still had some really fun moments, but some people were just driving me insane. 
First I will start by talking about my best friend. We're literally like sisters, but we live far away from each other, so we rarely ever get to see each other, so our main way of communicating is through Facebook and other technologies of that sort. Let's just call her A. for short. I love her. I really do. She is an amazing person and she's so talented, but sometimes she just feel a little full of herself. She has this girl with whom she has been fighting with because she was jealous of A., and this other girl sounds, since I don't know her, less than friendly. A. tried talking over things with the girl she's been fighting with, E., which I appreciate greatly, and apparently it went great, but then she goes telling me that she doesn't get what E.'s boyfriend's doing with E. Seriously? Aren't you trying to mend things? Why screw this up? Just because you're stinking jealous? Therefore I tried talking her out of thinking so highly about herself over this E. girl, and I was like: "well, darling, do you think maybe the jealousy is mutual?", and she goes like "I don't posses jealousy". Who doesn't posses jealousy? I mean it's so human to be jealous, and although it might count as a sin in some religions or cultures, it is so freaking natural to be envious of someone, you know? I love her. I do, but sometimes she can't take criticism and admit to being speckled with flaws like all of us humans, and it bothers me, because I was raised to be selfless and humble.
Next vent is about how I went to this club yesterday, and obviously, since it is me, I wasn't drinking and I was really just looking forward to hanging out with the girls and dance and stuff, and then I forgot my I.D. Now, they have lots of publicists our age, and a few of them are friends of mine, so usually what happens if you forget your I.D. is that you talk to one of the publicists that know you're the right age, and they let you in, since they don't sell alcohol anyways. The only reason they do this anyways is so that young girls don't go mingling with really much older guys, and there aren't really much older guys there anyways, plus I am pretty darn tall, and I don't look like a middle school girl, thank God, so why won't you let me in like you usually do in those cases? But NO, they had to be stinky butts about it and take a whole lot of time away from my showing off my dance skills to the public for so stinking much money, only to find half an hour later, after standing in the cold in a skirt and a short sleeved top, that an older friend of mine who's 19 said that I AM the age of the rest of my friends that DID bring a stinking I.D. What the stinking crap?!
And last but not least, actually probably the most, is my semi-best guy friend we'll call G. Anyways, he has been inviting me and the rest of my girlfriends to hang out with the rest of his group of guys many times during the break. I am completely honest when I say this that this break all I wanted is to really TAKE A BREAK, and this, unfortunately for the way things turned out, includes a break from him. I love him, yet again, I really do. As I have said in previous blog posts I am much like a bird and I cannot be feeling like I am tied down or being held onto too tightly. I guess this is also my fault, but he was giving me a lecture about how he thinks that we, us girls, are avoiding them or whatever, and that we never go out with them anymore, and that we only go out to places where 12th graders are at, which is bull. He basically said that I was lying, and that "I just feel like hanging by myself at home" sounds like a lame excuse or whatever. I'm like a bird you guys, and this bird was feeling captured, and forced to be trained to behave the way he'd like me to, which are two of the most annoying things to me in humans. The sense that I would like to be domesticated by him, and bound by his rules of what I should be like sickens me, in fact. So I tried to explain to him that he's treating us girls like a herd of sheep when he says that we "all never show up", and that we "all have stupid excuses all the time", and that he has to "chase" us all the time. Seriously, what am I? My answer is a bird, and you're cutting off my feathers, and making my shine wear down. So at first I told him calmly "hey, listen, each one has her own reasons. I'm not like any of them and neither one of them is alike. Some of these excuses might be hiding some real problems, but he can't just talk to me and expect us all, as a herd, to now be obliged to say yes to every outing. Then, I got really flipping mad, because he was so in the idea he is right, that he wouldn't sharking listen to what I had to say, so, in order to not get hurt, I just went like "whatever man I was trying to help". This is what ticked me off the most, you know? I was really trying to help him.
Over all and on a much lighter note I did have a good week. I got to go cycling, and, even though I fell flat on my face, since we don't have cycling around here because it's so hilly, I really enjoyed being able to do it. I also visited a really good new friend of mine that lives far away, spend the night there, and have a girly night of talking and giggling and stuff.
Yesterday at the club was really nice, too. We went there a bunch of girls and just danced and didn't have a care in the world. It was also a confidence booster, because a lot of guys asked me to dance with them, and although I said no to most, because I was just looking for a drama-less night, it was nice to feel attractive, even if even the most unattractive girls got asked as much as I did and even more times or whatever. I also got to see many friends that have graduated or that I haven't seen in a long time, and it was really nice.
I fixed things with A., because I do care about her a lot, and I wouldn't like us fighting over stupid girls who make her angry, and surely not to become a stupid girl who makes her angry. As I've said the night at the club was pretty darn great after all, and with G., well, I'll just see where this goes, but since it's fairly fresh right now, I wouldn't want to speak out of anger you know?
So here are the outfits of this week that I haven't shown you:

This one's from when we shot a documentary for film studies: 

 I wore this dress from Zara, I'm pretty sure, that's in between a maxi and a midi which is good for spring when it's still a little cool outside. It's really body con and form fitting, so, if you're feeling insecure about your small booty or too big of a booty, then you probably shouldn't wear it, but I don't care my bum is really big and my boobs are not as big as they should be on a girl as tall as I am, but I don't give a crap, and essentially I got many compliments on it.
It did get pretty darn called so I took my black oversized sweater in case it gets cold outside.
I took a small handbag my mom and dad got me when they were in London, which is awesome of them.
I also wore my American Eagle sandals that have sneak print and olive green and black straps to them, to keep it looking a little more summery, and my only other accessory, accept for the bag, was my hombre colored sunglasses that I got when I visited my old town, a while ago, October maybe, for free, which was awesome.
To give the outfit a little color, I wore a new lipstick my mother got me for spring, which I'll review soon, that is a really nice coral color. By the way, sorry for my hand looking all bashed, but I fell off a bike, so I think you'll forgive me. 

The next is what I wore to the club yesterday:

 I wore no accessories at all, accept for my rings, because when I'm dancing I don't like being bothers about any accessories falling off and stuff.
I wore my tribal print shirt from Urban Outfitters that I absolutely adore since it's so light breezy, so it's not hot to dance with it, there's barely any sweat, but it does slide off the shoulders really easily, which bothers me.
I wore it with a skirt that's bright tangerine orange, a color that's really in this season, from Topshop. It's mini length on me, because I have extra long legs, but on other people it would probably be midi, I think. It's pleated, which I love because it looks great whilst dancing. I wore it with a belt that I make from a not-used-for-shoes-yet-shoelace, which makes it look like a bow, and me look like a little wrapped present. I didn't take a photo of the shoes I wore, but they're the shoes I was wearing today.

Speaking about today:

Today I was just going for a session of tutoring so I wore this:
So the shoes I wore, both today and yesterday night were these Aldo black sandals that I wear to death and beyond and are falling apart.
The shirt is from Zara, pants are from a local boutique, but I saw something really similar in Zara as well. The bag is from Urban Outfitters, and I wore it with the back straps, but it can also be worn as a cross body satchel, or just straight up on one shoulder.

That's it darlings, sorry it is indeed so long, but I've skipped a few days and had a lot to say. I have been introduced to this next song by my love to Sia, which I've been listening to for almost two years now, I think. It's really not my usual taste of music, but it's lyrics and Sia's voice are both just amazing. If you do know this song, but haven't checked Sia out yet, then this is another song by her that I love.
XOXO Roni J.