I'm Scared

Ugh.
Sorry, let's rewind and explain.
There's a certain frustration in fear. That thwarting feeling kicks in especially when you're missing out on stuff you might want. The apprehension has a way of holding you back from things you know could be good for you, and even life changing, and you just scream on the inside, trying to fight it, but it doesn't go away. You're wanting to take that leap, dive in, but some invisible iron chords are tugging and pulling you, preventing you from getting where you want to get, or being who you want to be.
These past two weeks Mr. Danger had a summer break, and he was home the entire time. We just didn't meet up. No one made the move. Saturday was his last day home, and I tried a couple times to make plans with him, because we have to talk things over, no matter what decision we make, but these decisions never played out.
I was so ready to end it already. I mean if we have two whole weeks to see each other, and neither one of us makes the effort to make it happen, how will it turn to be when we're both in college, busy, and barely seeing each other once a week, if not less? I was thinking that it's just us dragging it, because we both care a lot about each other, but there is really no point in it. We're both in this gray unknown area we can't get out of, that's holding us back.
So around 7 pm on Saturday when I saw this wasn't going to happen I asked him if he's got time later on that night. It took him time to reply, and he said he does have time, but only later that night. I was OK with the late hour, because I have to be absolutely NOWHERE, but considering he had to drive back really early to college the next morning in order to get to class, it was fairly odd, but fine. Who cares? It's not going to take much time I just have to end it the way I planned it. Like I prepared myself; it's not working out; we're both scared; we can't work this out; that we were more like a couple before we kissed, before we started being uncomfortable, and timid around each other.
And then he asked me where I want to go, and I said I don't know, and he said fine I have an idea. I asked him where we're going, and he said it was a surprise, which made me feel like he does care, and made me scared to blow it up in his face, and say it's not working out.
He came to pick me up around midnight, and we greeted each other bashfully. *IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE* I've known Mr. Danger for years now, I know him well, and I know he would never do anything to cause me any harm (contrary to his nickname). I DO NOT suggest that any girl drives off into the night with a guy she's not absolutely a 100% familiar with, and 100% familiar with his intentions. That IS dangerous. Safety comes FIRST! We then drove off. We talked about random things in the car, and then we got to a place called the "End of the World". It's a dead end of a street overlooking the view of the whole city from the mountain top, and you can see all the way to the harbor, and the little glowing lights of boats. 
We sat down and gone on talking and rambling about our lives to each other. Everything we missed out on all this time that our talks have been vacant and shallow, and all this time we haven't seen each other or acted like complete strangers when we did. His family, my family, his friends, my friends, politics, college, changes; more and more words kept pouring out of our mouths. I started getting a feeling that I might not want to end it, that I really missed just talking to him, and that I could talk to him about the most ridiculous topics, but at the same time I could talk to him about the most serious of subjects. 
It started to feel like it had before we kissed. Maybe even the same as the night of the kiss, when we sat down on the sand at the beach after one too many beers, and talked for two hours about everything and nothing at the same time, and then he kissed me. Just like that, we sat there for around 3 hours talking about everything yet nothing, in the "End of the World", overlooking the ocean, nothing touching but our knees brushing up against each other ever so slightly. We both looked at my cellphone to find that it's 3 am, and that he's got to wake up super early. Reality check.
And all at once silence fell upon us. Not that we couldn't go on talking about stupid stuff for the rest of the night, but there was really no need. "Can we stop being shy assholes?" he then asked, and like waking up from a dream, reality kicked in and I rallied. Literally rallied, and assembled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, lowering my head. It took me by complete surprise, although it shouldn't have at all, and I started stuttering and stammering, muffling words under my breath. Thinking that I am the shyest person I know, and the biggest asshole.
It was half silent, and half awkward muffles coming out of both our mouths, until he pleaded "please, let me end this awkward moment", and coaxed my face, holding it in both hands, to look directly at his, really up close, eyes set directly on his, lips parallel to his. I just... lowered my head, and looked down.
Somehow I managed to make the most awkward of moments, even more awkward. "I can't believe this..." he muttered under his breath. I can't either, I thought to myself. I apologized. I said that's how I am when it comes to these things, and that this is the reason I warned him when we said we'd "try" this thing out, that's why I said he's about to suffer; I'm painfully shy. "You're not easy", he said and simpered dolefully. That's an understatement, I thought, and then said almost silently, "I'm formidable". Almost silently. He smiled at that. 
"Do you not want this?" he doubted himself aloud, and I couldn't help but feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I told him it doesn't have to do with him, thinking about an earlier failed relationship that I wrecked this year, because he tried to kiss me and I moved because I was scared. In both cases it wasn't lack of interest that pulled me away, but those same iron chords of fear and apprehension. "Am I that bad without the alcohol?" he wavered again, not understanding it's about me. "I am that bad without the alcohol", I replied. It pained me that I made him feel even more insecure about himself. As if he wasn't timid enough, I had to punch him in the gut and hurt his self esteem even more. I finally managed to form a clear coherent sentence, "If you're a shy asshole, I am twice, if not three times as big a shy asshole as you are. With alcohol it worked, because I wasn't as shy, nor was I as immense an asshole as I am usually". -"In two weeks' time, when I come back home, I'll take care of that". -"You don't have to take care of it", I said, "I need to". 
Not late after that we got up and he drove me home, because it was far too late for him. At least we communicated like humans, and it wasn't silent. But it seemed that I have agreed to make this agreement with him, this arrangement, that next time we see each other I will get wasted, and then I won't be this hard, I'll be easier. I know this is not what he meant in no way. As I've mentioned before he really is a good guy, and would never use me. If he would have wanted to use me, we were alone at night both times, and he could do it then, but he didn't. And no one would work this hard for a girl to get her to give it to him. But it made me feel like, for one thing, I can't control my fears, I can't face them and deal with them without the help of intoxicating substances, which is nothing I aspire to be. And it also makes this relationship ultra trashy, and that's not what I want it to become; not the relationship, and not myself.
I talked to my best guy friend the morning after, scared that I wrecked this relationship, just like the one before it, and that I pushed Mr. Danger way too far. My guy friend said that now that he understands that I'm THAT shy, he probably respects me more, and that he probably thinks that it's cute now that I finally wasn't a bitch about it, and that I talked openly about it. That he probably sees me as rare. By the way Mr. Danger took it, I mean, when he finally realized that it's not about him or even my feelings for him, but about my fear of intimacy, that seems to be true.
I don't know how I will handle the alcohol issue because I definitely don't want to be dependent on it to be able to do something as simple as kissing someone that I want to kiss, but I'm also afraid that I won't be able to and move away just the same as I did so many times in the past when guys tried to kiss me.I want to be able to face and conquer my fear. Just like when I conquered my fear of heights when I went rappelling earlier this year. I'll bite the bullet (not literally, because it's hard to kiss that way), and "just do it". I hope.
Love loads, XOXO Roni J.

Me Augusta!!

Hello there, my lovely readers.
I'm guessing the most of you are back at school right now, and I want you to know how jealous I am of you. I hope I will have time to post a few outfit ideas for you this week, but seeing as I am moving out of the house next week, I have quite a lot on my mind.
So today, rather than being infinitely late with my August favorites like I was last month, I decided to do it today. But first, I have a few updates.
The whole thing with Frenchie really freaked me out the first day after, which is when I wrote the last post. That's the reason I sounded way more terrified, and way more horrified by what had happened the day before. In reality, it wasn't that bad, but I was just really really embarrassed by everybody knowing, and really afraid I was no good, and really scared for some reason. I became vulnerable, which is something I am not used to, to say the least. That day, though, he asked me if I want to do something again, to which I declined, because I was really freaked out, but at least it calmed that little part of me that was worried that I was absolutely horrible, and that nibbled on my self esteem, unrightously so.
A day later he offered that I come over to Baron's garage, where they are staying right now, and I said yes. What? This prude? Agreed to come over to be one on one with a French hottie in a garage where they have a bed? Oh wow. What a progress that we've made.
When I came over, I was uncomfortable, yet again, and I kind of stayed as far as possible from him without being too insulting to his manliness, but I'm pretty sure he could sense that I was a bit astranged. I suggested that we watch a movie, so that I could avoid the makeout session as much as possible, to delay it. We watched Iron Man, because I haven't watched it, and the idea of watching a romantic comedy instead was just an unbearably agonizing thought. In all honesty, me being a big fan of super hero movies, and especially Marvel's, I didn't love the movie, which is weird, 'cause it's said to be one of the better ones. Whatever. That's not the point. During the movie dear Frenchie came to sit closer and closer, and then pulled the arm around my shoulder trick. I didn't look at him even once from the fear that something might actually happen. But the movie ended. I got up, and said that I should probably leave soon, because I have work the next day, but then he kissed me. Escape plan fail.
And then we stand there, kissing, for a minute or so. It's just much better, and less stressful, obviously, than the first time. He then suggests that we go up to the bed, and don't judge me here, but I said yes, because I know my limits, and I know that if he tries anything I will not mind kicking him in the baby maker. So we went up to the bed, and kissed a little more, nothing more than that. We also talked a little. I found it hilarious when he tried complimenting me saying that I was a good kisser, and me, being the cynicist I am, I laughed it off, and he said "no really, I swear". And then he went on and added "so please don't go for easy guys", and then I looked at him with the 'Oh 'cause you were so hard to get' look, and then he chuckles, and says "ok, fine, I'm sorry". But seriously, what the heck are you saying that for? You're leaving, what is now tomorrow. Why do you think you have an impact on how I live my life further. It was just a really dumb comment.
Never mind that though, I had a good time with him. It wasn't the perfect date, and I am surely not as attracted to him, as I have been to other guys in the past, but it was very sweet. After a while of talking we just fell asleep, and then Baron came to pick me up, and take me home. The awful thing about it, is that Baron didn't show up alone *MAY HE BE DAMNED* *AMEN*, he has to being all of the guys to his garage so that they could hang out later..... ARE YOU FCKN OUT OF YOUR MIND>!!? They were so amuzed by the sight of me leaving the garage. I didn't mind much and I said "hi" to all of them. I'm prideful, and I don't intend on having a bunch of kids interrupt my self growth.
The very next day they went to a club, all the boys I mean, including Frenchie. I didn't expect him to keep his abstinence at all. I know he was passing through, and I am just another expirience of the country that he got to have. And I was ok with it. That's why I didn't have any problem when the guys tagged a photo of him on Facebook saying "Frenchie's gonna get laidddd". I really didn't. He hasn't spoken to me since the night before, and I was like, yea that's what it was.
The day after that, though, I went to a bar for a girls' night out with two of my friends. My friend introduced me to this ok looking guy, I mean he's attractive, but not my thing at all, and she kind of pushed me to dance with him, which I did, because dancing is harmless. He tried to kiss me a few times, but I rejected him, not because I felt obliged to, or obligated to Frenchie or some other messed up idea, but because I didn't want him enough. I kept dancing with him, and my stupid friend snapped a picture of us dancing, nothing too racy, because I am classy as shit, and sent it to the girls. The girls who were out with the boys, the boys who took the girls' phones and saw the picture, the picture of me with a boy, a boy who's not Frenchie, Frenchie who's their friend.
They see it and start texting me, I'm not sure if they were serious about any of it. "How dare you do this to him?! He saved himself for you last night. He deserves better"... Seriously? Firstly, you're my friends before you were his, secondly, I wasn't with anybody, not because of him, but just 'cause, thirdly, I didn't expect him to keep abstinent, because, come on we all knew it was more than temporary. It's just a few days' summer romance little thing. Why then, in heaven's sake, would anybody, him or any other guy on the planet, expect me to stay away from others for him.
He hasn't talked to me since then, but every day the guys would ask me if I want to see him again, and I would like to think that it's not because he thought I was some whore, I hope he remembered that I was so painfully shy, and knows that that isn't something that dies out so quickly. And if he doesn't it's a shame. Because I am pretty damn amazing, and for him to judge me based upon something that's not even true, then it was nice meeting you, but I am soooo glad you're gone.
And now he's really gone. And I feel kind of blah. Not necessarily because he left, I mean, not because he's the one who left, but because I feel like no one else is waiting in line to replace him. It's just that it was a bit of excitement. Something new that was going on. And now it's gone with him. To France.
Another thing that's been going on is all of my friends going to different colleges. I am going off to college September first, but that will be talked about in a few moments. The thing is most left before me. Some surprised me incredibly with how much they text me, and how much they want to be involved and know about everything that's been going on with Frenchie, and all other stuff, while as others just disappear and disapoint.
Tiny has gone off about a week and a half ago. She and I got so close this past year. She IS my best friend along with another girl. The fact is that she was the first person I wanted to know about the whole Frenchie debacle (wasn't a debacle really, but whatever). But she wasn't here, and she didn't have time to text or answer her phone, and when she came back home for the weekend, and she said we have to meet up, which I agreed to. We made plans twice and each time I had to call her in to hear that she has to cancel, instead of have her call me and say that.
So I wrote her this big letter, saying I know how hard it is, but she made time for other people that take her for granted many times, and I find that she hasn't found time for someone like me. I just think honesty, while being quite nice about it, is the best policy, because I don't want to resent her.
She called me up the next day, and started explaining herself, not really hitting the points I was trying to make, and super justifying, instead of listening to me she just tried to show that she has it really bad, and at hearing that, obviously, I couldn't fight her. I just heard her cry and I tried to get her to stop, and see the bright side in being there, and I just cried with her. She is my best friend and I hate hearing her hurt, even if I am hurt or angry or upset, I would prefer her happiness over my own.
So there's that, and there's also the stress of moving out. On Sunday. I'm driving out there with my dad tomorrow to move the basic stuff like a blanket, and pillows, and other stuff like that, but I am about to cry my eyes out. I am so so stressed out, and don't want to leave home, and my friends who are staying here. I just don't feel like leaving my dad on his own, or living in a room that's not mine with three other girls or so. I am such a privacy seeker, and I don't even know what these girls are going to be like, or who they are at all. The college registration tries to place different girls in the room together in order to create friendships between unexpected people, so they save it for last minute for you to find out who you're rooming with.
So this is what's been going on.

Now to my favorites, which is probably something that you all are a little bit more interested in:
Unfortunately, I don't really have any beauty/fashion favorites. I haven't bought anything new, and I kind of stocked up on the same things I've been using for a while. I did buy a lot of clothes, but I will try to incorporate them in the back to school outfits.

*Movie*- Perks Of Being A Wallflower. The movie is seriously such a good movie. It's a little bit of comedy, but a lot of drama. Deals with a lot of things that us little teenager bubbleheads deal with like relationships, love, friendships, loneliness. I think it was done absolutely beautifully, the scenery, the picture quality, the outfits, the music, it's all amazing. And I am a big fan of Emma Watson and Logan Lerman, so I absolutely loved it, and I highly, highly recommend watching it. I will soon go the book as well, as soon as I kind of forget the story line, which, by the amount of time it's been taking me to read books, and good books at that, will go by faster than expected.

*Song*- It's an unexpected twist to my everyday mellow playlist- John Newman's Love Me Again. The song is catchy, deep, intense, but also upbeat. It has, both in music, and in the music video, a bit of a retro vibe that might be a little reminiscent to the disco era, disco music, and 70's and 80's clothes. I love it. I think that the fact that the lyrics are so... Intense and different, a person admitting to a mistake for treating someone he loved like a piece of sheep meat, is the reason I love this song. Watch the video to the very end. I found the end hilarious. I laughed so hard.

Another more mellow, and more fitted song that I have listened to a lot this month is Turn The Page by Matt Hires, which I have posted two posts ago. As opposed to Love Me Again, this song was relating to me on a more personal note. All the things that are ending, and I'm sad to see them end, although they bring new beginnings with them make this song this month's official anthem for me.

*T.V. Show*- Heroes. By far the best show I've seen in a while, and I'm only halfway into the first season. It is a great drama filled, thrilling show. I have not been this excited to watch another episode with any other Show in a long long time.

Thanks a lot for reading, my love bugs.
XOXO Roni J.

A Tongue Twister

It had all started a few days ago, when... Well, just read about it in the last post.
I promised I would go out with the entire group that consisted of Baron, Ginger, Blondie, Frenchie, and a few more people, when I didn't go out the night before, because I was exhausted, and they kind of came for me.
At first I went to a friend's house to watch a movie. We shall call her Mayo. Mayo is one of my best friends, if not my best, and I spend a whole lot of time at her house because I obviously like her, but I also love her mom and her older brother. Quite frankly I have a small little tiny miniature crush on her older brother. He's such a nice guy. The funniest. Cough.  I love him... Cough. And I can't remember the name of the movie but it was a futuristic movie from the 90's with Tom Cruz in it. It was so strange but it was quite good quality for a movie from the 90's. I think most of it was really this good because I was with them, and they're my favorites, but.. Yeah...
And then we were already late to meet everybody up where we had initially planned to hang out in, so they came over to a park by Mayo's house.
At first I was... SUPER nervous. I barely managed to talk to him. Mostly I just kind of did what I do best when I'm nervous, looked right through him. But my friends wouldn't give up. Oh no. They had to make sure that me and Frenchie get our alone time. They kind of go off to the side, and then Frenchie asks me if I would want to go on a walk with him. I agree, and I ask Baron to watch my purse, because I know that if I bring my cell phone, heaven knows that I will never leave the damn thing, and just ignore Frenchie, which I don't want to be doing.
We leave and go around the block once and talk, and I slowly warm up, and act more like myself, and less like the cold dead body that I have been around him the past times. We go once more around the block, and we're already really talking, and stuff, and then we start the third round after walking for about an hour.
Then he grabs my hand and comes to a stop, pulling me close to him, and trying to kiss me. We already touched lips, but I was so nervous, and my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it might turn into pudding, so I pushed him away. I then set down on a stone wall that was right behind me, and I just tried to calm down.
He was really sweet, saying things like "I know how nervous you are, and I know it's your first time, so, if you don't want anything to happen, I respect that", and like "you should have seen me my first time. I was horrible". He then sat down next to me on the wall and took my hand in his hand and played with it in his fingers. And then he shifted my hair to my other shoulder, and started kissing my neck. Not nervous. Not nervous at all.
And then it happen. We both tilted our heads and touched lips, and he quickly moved on with his tongue, and it was just plain... Odd. I don't know why I sort of expected it to feel all sorts of beautiful and nice to have someone stick their tongue into your mouth. Quite frankly it feels exactly like you would think having a second tongue going in the opposite direction in your mouth would feel. I barely knew what to do with myself... I kind of just moved a long as much as I could without biting or chewing any pieces of Frenchie out by mistake. Sounds exactly as romantic as it was. Not at all.
When we break (not saying that I was disgusted by everything that was going on in there, but definitely suggesting and implying that), and start talking a little more, I realize that all of my friends basically saw it from afar. As if I was not embarrassed enough about the whole situation. And those great friends decide to stop their cars right in front of us, and give a little nod, wink, or whatever. I'm just staring down at my hands wanting to disappear. And my friends keep driving off.
We keep talking for a little. Every once in a while, he kisses my neck again. He keeps playing with my hands the entire time. And we kissed a few more time... Which were anything that I would imagine was just not a good kiss material. He didn't have the best breath, there was so much tongue, I didn't know what to do with my hands, and it was plain uncomfortable. And some times he hugs me, which just feels clingy and uncomfortable, and says all sorts of things like "you're special", which I'm thinking like "yea right", and like "you're good at this", to which I literally just said "yea right" to his face.
Then I realize my phone, my keys, and my money are with my friends at the car so I have no way to communicate to the  planet just how much I want to be home and sleep tight before we go off to work, and it already feels like 3am, which turns out to be right when I get my phone back later. I am just stuck there with him hugging me uncomfortably, and wanting to sleep so bad.
When my friends get back they all look at me weird, and I just want to hide myself, but instead. Oh yea, fuck my life, instead of burying myself down in the soil, he chooses to kiss me goodbye, which is terribly sweet, but seeing that it's in front of everybody, I just feel like running away. The thing that makes it even more awkward is the fact that all those friends that were there almost are all the biggest blabber mouths on the surface of this planet.
Hence, the next morning, this morning, when we go say goodbye to my friend who's leaving for college, everyone and their mother already know. Lucky me. You just saved me time telling everybody on earth.
Poor guy, it's really not his fault that I'm not big into the touchy, feel-y, sweet kind of thing, and that I especially can't do them around people. I feel mean talking about him like that, because maybe he was just great, but I didn't it right or something, but I think it was just mutual.
And then the entire day I had this huge knot in my stomach of shame, and stress, and heart beats, and tiresome, so I had a nauseous feeling the entire day.
In order to get rid of that feeling I convinced myself that, at least now, that he has climbed Olympus, which was an impossible task, why would he try again. Meaning, he has managed to succeed in the challenge that is being with me, then why would he ever bother again to try and challenge himself to it.
But the feeling came back when he friended me on Facebook, and started talking to me. He invited me to watch a movie alone with him in Baron's garage tonight, but I tried my best to reject the offer at least for today, because I was tired and stressed out and nauseous. So I tried as hard  as I might to be kind and tell him we'll do it some other time before he leaves on the 28th.
I can't believe I am no longer a lip virgin. I feel like a huge page was turned, and a huge part of me was taken.
At least he was kind, and understanding, and good looking, and French, meaning it's a good story to tell the kids. I just don't want to hurt him by saying no, but I don't want to die from all the stress, either.

Not stressed at all. Who am I kidding? Scared out of my mind XOXO Roni J.

"And the darkness holds little rest for weary bones. Now turn the page, the chapter's ending."

A French Kiss

It all started two nights ago. That weird kind of feeling that God is playing a practical joke on you and you can't help but laugh with him, because it is freaking hilarious. Things that you never knew were even an option, things you never ever dared think might happen in your future are starting to unravel.

We were talking in our WhatsApp group about how lonely and old we are, and bitter we are about our love life. My friend, Ginger, started talking about how much she wants to find someone, and another friend, Curly Fries, told her to be with a guy friend of ours, Baron, with whom Ginger had been a few months back. 

Baron used to live abroad, and he had met two friend there. These friendships have lasted 13 years, through borders and miles and miles apart. These two guys, Blondie and Frenchie, came over to visit Baron before they all head to college. 

When Curly Fries suggested that Ginger be with Baron, she added "and you could have a threesome with him and with Frenchie. 

I had met both Frenchie and Goldie a week ago so very briefly during a hangout with the rest of the group of our friends, but not being too close to Baron, not since the end of ninth grade when we were separated in our homeroom classes, I didn't talk to them much at all. I could sense, though, that Frenchie was paying me special attention when we talked for a second, and kind of rushed the thought out of my mind. By the way, he's French and a complete hottie. 

When Curly Fries made the threesome I jokingly said "Ginger, you have Baron, and I will have Frenchie". God knows nothing that I say jokingly will ever end up doing what I had meant for it to do. Sometimes it ends up kicking me in the behind so hard I fall over, sometimes it's just the start of something new. 

Instead of just being this stupid, harmless comment that I made, Miss Curly Fries decided to send a picture of it to Baron. Not because of what I had said, but because of what Ginger said. Baron sees this, and from then on Curly Fries and him try to set me up with this good looking French guy I barely know anything about. 

And I am in the middle of a big family dinner, laughing so hard. Is God 

freaking joking? Is he serious? Since when do I get set up with a hot French guy. Later on it also turns out that Frenchie WAS, in fact, eyeing me that first night we had met, so Baron knew that he was interested in me before I even made the comment. A good looking, well educated, beautiful, French guy, is, finding, me, attractive!? Common, where are the cameras big guy? Where you hiding at? 

Baron and Curly Fries promise to arrange a date and I automatically get nervous as hell, even though, in reality, I'm pretty damn sure nothing will really happen, and Baron and I are not necessarily the bestest of friends, so why would he set me up with his literally best childhood friend that has only ten more days in this country? Especially when he knows how much of a prude I am. 

Last night I'm in my head gear already, still in my clothes, but so fucking ready to get to bed its not even funny. I am meters of taking my dress off, and then I get a text from Curly Fries that another girl, Wave, and she are on their way to pick me up to go over to Baron's house to have a group date just so that Frenchie and I could maybe run into the chance of being together. My heart starts beating mad. Like. Insane. I think I need to get that checked out because freaking Superman doesn't run as fast as my heart was beating. 

I get ready quickly not putting too much effort, because I don't want to stress myself out even more, or get my hope higher than they already are. 

We get to Baron's garage that he turned into his room with a ping pong table, and a pool table and we play some and I am shy and not talkative and Baron makes his little kid comments about how I should ask Frenchie to teach me to play pool because I am TERRIBLE. And I am already stressed out enough and want to go home and give up because I have work in the morning and its already 2am for crying out loud, and I'm embarrassed and scared and want to just let it go, it's not like it's believable that anything would ever happen between me and him. 

And then Baron says he's not going to let me go home unless I walked out with Frenchie. And I insist. Baron, no! Baron, I'm just humiliating myself! And we speak in the local language, thank goodness, so Frenchie doesn't understand what we're saying but he knows what I came there for, and can hear the tone of things, so I guess he knew the direction of things. 

And then Baron gets closer and looks at me and says "you know just how shy I am with girls. You know how long it took me to kiss a girl, and, you ladies, still scare me like shit. I told him it's your first kiss and that you're going to be freaking out about it (why does Baron know I have never been kissed will remain a mystery forever), and he knows and he really wants you. He really really does. You can see him looking at you. Common, just one leap of faith, once. And then after that it just gets better and easier". I almost started tearing up, and almost called the Noble Prize headquarters for him. I was shocked by how genuine and sweet he was, and by how much he was really just trying to help me out. 

I was convinced mainly because I wanted to go home, but also because what Baron said played that one right note in my head. And I walked out. 

A few seconds later he walks out. We walk around the neighborhood and talk for way longer than I had initially planned. And he knows how stressed out I am so he doesn't try anything we just walked and talked. And he made me as comfortable as I could be when I'm such a stress case. Then get back to Baron's house, and us girls leave. 

The moment we leave Baron sends me a message saying that Frenchie wants to do it again sometime before he leaves and I agree. 

So joke well played, God. I love you. You're wonderful. And so are you my loves. We'll see maybe this is like Grease and we'll have a summer romance. Maybe not. Let's keep our expectations down, and see if this French kiss is meant to be. XOXO Roni J. 

Up(to no)date

Hey pretty ladies, how are you today?

I'm doing well considering  the circumstances, which are basically a crap load of tests. And the endless tango of "loves me, loves me not" that's going on in my incompetent brain. Flower petal after the other I'm picking them out, and sometimes they end up saying there's nothing there, and sometimes they say there's something, but whatever the petals are saying, whatever the signs might be saying, I doubt them. Whatever the signs point to, immediately my gut feeling points in the other direction. 

Nothing dramatic has happened since the last post, really, which should be concerning, because nothing's going on in my life right now, and that's not great. Big Guy and Mr. Guy have been doing that same thing they always do- confusing me. 

We had a test in biology last week, and we are all taking A.P. bio, so we all ended up in the same place. Mr. Guy kept asking me the most random questions that had nothing to do with the test, or with life on earth really, which, after a while, kind of started sounding like he's seeking my attention. That was weird to me, considering he hasn't been seeking my attention, or seemingly been seeking my attention in a very long time. Big Guy on the other hand just treated me in a casual matter, being nice, wishing me luck, being sweet. The test was divided in two, so after the first part, I sat on the staircase in the hallway with a good friend just talking. So Big Guy comes around and starts asking me how the first part was, and I answered very sweetly and smiled at him, but was cut off midst sentence, because Mr. Guy peered in out of nowhere, and saw that my attention was on Big Guy, and started touching my face, because he's odd like that, and that's what he does when he's trying to get someone's attention. So then Big Guy sees that my attention was diverted onto Mr. Guy, and he starts messing up my hair, so I divert my attention onto him, and then Mr. Guy sees that my attention is shifted to Big Guy and Mr. Guy says something that I didn't necessarily hear, but was supposed to refer to me to perhaps get my attention back, and Big Guy then started touching my face like Mr. Guy does usually, and I mean it was all so weird that by the time the teacher called us in for the next part, I was pushed up against the stairwell's wall, because they were all up in my grill. I was really weirded out by Big Guy's actions, because I used to think he's the rather normal guy, but then again I see that normal's not an option if the guy is good looking.
So then I had many tests and all sorts of things, so I was really looking to dance my stress away. And yet again, third party in a row that Big Guy's been looking at me all the time. Or at least I imagine him looking at me all the time, and I have no idea whether I'm imagining or not, and whether he's looking at me because he likes me, or because I look ridiculous. Quite honestly I could care less, if he thinks I'm ridiculous when I dance, because I am one good catch with a boat load of crazy moves.
One of his friends, though, that showed up in the past parties, as well, is a smoked little salmon swimming in this pond, and all the other fish in the sea really look like clown fish next to this one. He is a good looking chap, and Tiny said that this little fella is actually Tony's best friend, and in her opinion, the best guy he hangs around, because he's serious, hardworking and nice. I doubt I am ever going to have anything with him, because, hey, I can barely get them damn clown fish circling around me, so how will I have him doing it?
It seemed, if I am honest, that the two talked about me a little, because they were whispering, and then looking at me. Or maybe, as usual, I was just imagining, because there's a difference between what's going on around me, and what I think is actually going on around me.
Funny thing happened in the club. They have screens with videos and photos and stuff, going while the music's playing, but then... A clown picture, the scariest clown ever, and it doesn't take much of a clown to scare the crap out of me, appeared on the screen, and I almost started crying... Worst minute of my life.
My sister adopted a cute little puppy to her new apartment, and he's seriously the cutest freaking thing in the world. He's... Precious. I fell in love with him the first second I saw the little guy. I have a new family member, which I am absolutely in love with.
Two days ago, in some weird series of events, we planned a BBQ for a bunch of friends, and I said that I can host it in our garden. Mr. Guy was invited, because he's in that group. I was waiting in my room for a friend, who said she was going to be there early, writing to another friend on Facebook. Since that friend I was writing to lives in a whole different country I write her very long letters. I was in the middle of writing her, and Mr. Guy shows up 40 minutes earlier than was supposed to. I got really nervous about keeping him busy for 40 minutes without getting busy with him, so I asked him if it was ok that I finish up writing to my friend, and he said sure. So we were sitting on my bed in my room, me typing on the laptop, all the while we're keeping an extremely awkward conversation. Then I finish writing but we stay in my room, and he asks me about a girl we both know and says that he knows many people that hate her, and I said "oh, I don't hate her. She's sweet". Then he turns to me, looks me in the eyes, puts his hand on my thigh, and says "you never hate anybody. You're too sweet." To this I basically replied with me running away, saying something along the lines of "I should probably put the Coke in the fridge.." Then we sat outside waiting for the rest to show up, and he picked up my guitar, and started playing. Then he stopped and said "you look really nice today", mind you he said this meanwhile playing the guitar on a moonlit porch.... Then he stopped playing, and asked me "hey, Roni, what's you're favorite song? I feel like impressing you." Dudeeeeee! What now?! So I told him "Candy by Paolo Nutini", and he has to look it up on his cell, and then he needs a capo, but I say I don't feel like going inside to fetch him one, so I say I'll just hold my finger in place for him, and then we just sit there... Playing together... A love song...
And then my friend finally shows up just half an hour too late... Have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Have a fabulous day <3 XOXO Roni J.

Blue Eyes

Hello sweeties,
How are you? Are you doing well?
I hope you are! I really want to thank you all for getting me over a thousand views this year. It might not sound like a lot when other people get this number daily, but the fact that anybody might be remotely interested in hearing what I, a complete stranger, have to say, baffles me, intrigues me, and excites me. So thank you, even if it doesn't mean much to you, it means a lot to me.
I guess that besides writing fashion, beauty, and all sorts of other not very personal posts, this kind of became a journey. I can look back at posts from directly a year ago, and laugh at how pathetically naive, and how it hasn't even changed a bit, and of how I miss some things that I used to be, or some people I used to be close to.
Today I woke up feeling... Rather less confident about myself. I guess it's not that I woke up this way really. I went out for coffee with two of my friends. One of them is someone I used to be really close with up until this year, and for some reason I'm starting to feel like it's fading away.
I don't know what it is about her that's changing, or maybe I have my eyes opened wider, but she's becoming.. Someone I don't feel comfortable around, someone I don't feel safe sharing my secrets with, someone that I feel like is judging me to the bone.
We talked the parties that are going to take place this week, and there are many, and she kept saying "Roni has to drink to one of these parties to open up", and such things. I mean she might have good intensions wanting to help me open up to a guy maybe, or share my first kiss with someone, but it's starting to sound like it's bothering her that I have not been kissed at 18 more than it bothers me. She's talking about it like it's some sort of impediment, like I'm fucked up (sorry for the use of language), like I'm not ok, and my values are not ok, and they need to be changed in order for me to ever get a guy to look at me. I know this might sound like I'm over thinking the use of her words just a little too much, like I do about everything else in my life, but then again it's not the only thing she said.
She used to have a theory about me becoming a player after my first kiss, and now she's starting to say how she has a new theory about the rest of my life. Her new theory being that I will get tired of being scared of men, that I will unwillingly become lesbian. Not only is that the most ridiculous stupid thing to say, but that's actually really mean. She doesn't want me to break out of my shell anymore, she's just excepting the fact that I am going to live in this shell forever. She doesn't believe in me anymore, which is really not a... Best friend-y thing to do.
I might be wrong about this, and this might be some hidden jealousy for her situation speaking in my name, but I feel like ever since she got a boyfriend, about a year ago, she slowly starts feeling more and more like she has it better than me, like my way is wrong, and maybe even a little like she is superior to me. And that hurts. I don't want to feel like my friend, one of my best, lost faith in me. That beats the purpose of being a best friend.
Big Guy hasn't really contacted me since that phone call a few days ago, which made me realize how beautifully naive I was to think he wants me just because of what he said, probably jokingly, and that phone call that was possibly only so that he could ask a question about biology, and nothing more.
Mr. Guy on the other hand has been acting weird. You know how I said he paid me no attention the day I got the call from Big Guy? Like he intensionally ignored me the moment he found out that I know it was he who gave Big Guy my number. The days later he was acting completely different.
He kept bugging me, and touching me, and being playful, and pushing and tormenting.. Like some kind of courtship that I might be hallucinating. He kept teasing, and looking for attention, seems like especially physical.
Yesterday he saw me crying. There was a man who had lost his son, and in the background a song was playing, by a guy that died soon after writing the song saying how he can't stop thinking about his father saying "If something ever happens to you, I have no other reason to live", and I saw that man's pain, and his face contorted with tears. I saw his heart breaking in front of me and could do nothing about it. And when I see another person crying, especially this hard, and this heartbreakingly, I cry.
Mr. Guy was stunned. I don't tend to display many emotions around guys, especially if I have feelings for them, because it's some kind of defenses I put up, I guess. Many people say I remind them of Daria from the Nickelodeon show Daria. Not because I look like her, at all, but more so because I don't shine through like someone that gives a shit too often. He was shocked to see me cry, and I was bawling my eyes out for this man. He said "I didn't think you had it in you".
I don't know what's gotten into me again. How come all this makes me forget how much of a jerk he is some times. How come all of his mistakes disappear, and mean absolutely nothing when he looks at me with his blue eyes. I just melt looking into them.
I swear he's just a piece of cow poo, but then he looks me in the eyes with his mischievous smile, and I melt away forgetting how big of a bum he is. And he calls me queen bee and I look at him trying to look angry, like I don't like that he calls me that at all, but then I see his smile, and my frown is contorted into a smile.
Dear Mr. Guy, if only you knew what power your eyes have over me, that they made me start craving you all over again, even though you are such an unfitting match for me, I wonder what you'd do. Would you even care? Would that matter to you? Would you just try to use me like all the other girls you've been with or would you actually give a crap about me and my values, and respect them? Or maybe would you just be grossed out?
I wish I had an ability to read his thoughts only. I don't care what anybody else thinks about me, not really. Just him. To know. I don't think I would ever change who I am, even if I knew he wants me and the only thing separating between us is one small flaw I have, because even if I give a crap, I really do like the person that I am, and I work by my values, but maybe just a hint to know whether this is completely useless.

Thanks again for reading this nonsense, hope you come back for some more nonsense soon. XOXO Roni J. 


"'Cause, blue eyes, you're the secret I keep"

When In Rome

Hello dear loved ones.
I'm sorry this has taken me literally ages to get to write this post but hectic doesn't begin to describe the state of my past few weeks. I mean, since the trip to Rome itself I've be to a thousand other places, and done a thousand other things, but I guess I should start somewhere, and the trip to Rome is a great place to start.
It was just me and my sister, as kind of a birthday present for the both of us from our parents, which was very gracious of them. We bought a deal for four days and three nights with a flight and all. We stayed at a sweet little hotel really close to Fontana di Trevi, which is on the east bank of the Tevere (Tiber), and real close to the Spanish steps, both of which are absolutely freaking beautiful.
Every day on the trip, we'd wake up to an amazing day, we'd go eat breakfast at the hotel, go touring the city, sit at a cafe to have a small lunch, go on touring the city, sit down to eat fabulous dinners in sweet authentic restaurants, and we had loads of fun.
We really didn't get to do much shopping, because most of the places that we knew of were very high fashion, which is not really in neither of our price ranges, and I am 18, I really don't need to walk around with a Chanel bag. I bought a few things at Brandy Melville, and a few in this really cool thrift shop we found, and I will show all of it in a soon summer haul I will post (sooner than the time it took me until I posted this post hopefully).
We sat in a few wine bars, which is something we're not really used to. To be honest, I don't really like wine, but my sister enjoys it so we'd have it anyways so that she could get the full effect of her Rome experience. My sister and I had some really deep conversations about life, and boys, obviously, boys, and a lot of it. She got a new boyfriend not too long ago, and he's the complete opposite of her ex. Her ex was reserved and never told her how he felt, while her new boyfriend is so open and clear about what he wants, which is good because she, herself, is quite shy, and doesn't like talking about her feeling at all.
Since the trip, I had been extremely freaking busy. I have my school's play coming up April 18th, and because it's a little bit of a musical there are also dance number I participate in, which means I have both acting and dance rehearsals either from noon till 5 in the after noon or going way past that into the late afternoon hours.
Except for those rehearsals, us girl have been going out a whole freaking bunch, because the reharsals start at around noon, and we don't have school before hand because it's the senior musical, and most seniors are in it. So we get to wake up fairly late as opposed to every other day, and we just went out to a few bars (not that I had anything alcoholic to drink, you kinda know my opinion of it), and parties, which I will go into explicit deta

ils in a bit.
 We also planned two weekend trips, one with my friends and the other one with my next year's college mates. On the first trip we were only two girls and seven guys from my grade (including Mr. Guy, surprise surprise). We stayed in the woods that are like ten minutes away from my house, and it was a lot of fun. The guys brought a lot of beers, but I stayed clear as usual, and then Mr. Guy asked "are you going to drink tonight". Obviously I replied with a simple "no", but then the other guys commented that by him asking me that it pretty much means that he was planning on making a move on me, if I got drunk. Ew. The moment they said that I was like.... If he's that much of a wimp, like a bigger wimp than I am, then I really don't think I can continue being attracted to that. I really don't think I can. We had fun that night, and we even had a little bit of a scary moment hearing a girl singing in the woods, which we really thought was a ghost for a few seconds, and it made us shiver our pants off, but soon after we realized it's just a Karaoke party taking place nearby. When we woke up in the morning, we had a short hike in the woods to the nearby village where they have real good restaurants. We got to a sweet cheap restaurant at around 2pm, where they serve Paella. We ordered two plates of it to share, Mr. Guy and I shared one, and two other guy friends of mine shared, as well. When the two dishes reached the table we realized they are FREAKING HUMONGOUS, like a mountain of rice and goodness.
So we start eating, and I'm eating like a true lady, one bite at a time, and then we realize that me and Mr. Guy have had more than the other couple, which makes it a little bit of a challenge for them and they try to beat us by having more, but soon they are more than done. And then they realize we beat them more so because I had a lot to eat, more so than because Mr. Guy had a lot to eat, and then he sees that as a challenge. In the end he barely beats me, and they are all astounded. They never thought a girl that's actually rather thin could beat them in an eating competition, and that realllyy hurt their pride... Boohoo. The funnier thing about it is that Mr. Guy walked out of the restaurant barely holding himself up he was so full, and on the other hand there's me, almost skipping my way out the restaurant, all light and breezy. The entire car ride home he barely manages to say anything, but when he does say something he says something along the lines of "you're insane". Got beat by a girl, and tries to make her look bad in order to get his self esteem up.... Real attractive and manly qualities (NOT.... ).
Later that Saturday, we all went to a party, and when I got there my friend was talking to him. My friend has a boyfriend that wasn't coming to the party (probably too tired of the trip earlier that day, and possibly ashamed of his defeat, being one of the guys in the other couple who share that very same dish). So Mr. Guy, who's really good friends with that guy, whispered to her "shame you got no one to make out with", and then she said "at least you do", and pushed him towards me, not knowing that I'm not interested in him anymore because the entire day he was acting like a sissy. Anyways I was really pretty, wearing a cute, white summer dress, that has white mash or lace detailing around the neck, and it's flowy and in the ultraviolet lighting it was all purple and flaring. So after he's been pushed towards me he comes and whispers in my ear "you're absolutely nuts", and I look at him in the most sheepish look like Hey, I'm innocent, and he says "I know you're not innocent", and looks me in the eyes with his electric blue eyes, and for a second all I can think of is hormonal, rather forgetting that he was acting like a girl an instant ago, and then he caresses my waist, and I walk away.


The picture is of the place where the party took place before it started, one of my friends sent me.

The entire party a ton of guys started hitting on me, which was really flattering, but nothing came out of it. The party over all was really tons of fun. They handed out body paint that glows in the dark, and everybody was really colorful, and glowing, which always makes your heart light up a little. The music was much better than in the past few parties that I've been to, and that always makes me feel better in a party, when I can sing the lyrics out and all.
Then I was in the college trip. It's a real small college, and it's rather a year of studies, but you get no degree from it. So there's only one year, and only like 48 people in that year. Anyways, the people are almost all very lovely, but I got scared out of my mind and really depressed, realizing that I am not going to be in high school forever, and live at home forever, in the same familiar environment that I oh so love and appreciate.
We also went to the big city one night to celebrate one of the girls' birthday, and we took her to see stand up comedy. The opening act was actually better than the guy we came to see, but it was really funny anyways. There was a lot of drama with a few of the girls, and they did what pisses me off the most, where they decided everything for the birthday girl, because she's considerate, and doesn't want them to be upset, but they kinda forgot it's her day along the way. We then went out to eat, and it was really nice. We got back so late that there were no more buses from the train station back home.
Sorry that it has taken me so long to post this, and I really crammed it all in here but I had a lot of fun the past few weeks, and I had gone on a lot of adventures, and I hope you're having as good of a time as I am having. Have a great Easter tomorrow, if you're celebrating it, great ending of Passover if you're celebrating, and if you're Bahai, which would be really cool, hope you had a great New Year's on March 21st, the day of the equinox.
Happy 1st birthday to my blog! <3 XOXO Roni J.

What The Fudge?!

Want me to tell you about the weirdest night of my life?! No? Well, I really don't give much of a fudge so I shall tell you anyways.
Just a few hours ago I found myself in the middle of a parking lot very late at night. A girl two years younger than I am being sick all over herself, all over my friend's car, and all over Mr. Guy, who's surprisingly being the responsible adult in charge, and a total gentleman holding her hair up for her while she's sick. And the entire class of '13 watching from the sidelines, except for a few guys that volunteer for the Red Cross and tried helping her in positioning her and keeping her hydrated. Me included; I was watching from afar as if she were a sad clown at a circus that came from a far away land, in which the culture had nothing to do with my own. People just ran back and forth carrying car parts that had sick all over them to wash in a nearby yard of some abandoned house, including Mr. Guy, again acting like the responsible adult, and like a total gentleman. How did we get there?! Well, this is it from my point of view.
Class trip 2013, about a week ago, during a great, amazing, awesome party. It was literally great. The energy was so high up, and, although most people had a few (not so few) drink (at all), most of my friends, surprisingly enough, didn't drink at all, and yet we all came out thinking it was the best party we've been in in a long time. We all had so much fun. The setting on the beach at night was so perfect, as we got a little far from the desert and inched towards the ocean for that night. It was windy enough, but not cold. It was't humid a single bit like it is back home. And all of a sudden, the wind carried whispers about an odd pairing in our grade. Mr. Guy, and a very desperate girl, who shall be named Miss Sunshine, for the sake of this post only, I shall hope, and for reasons who shall be kept secret for my ears only, walked hand in hand towards the shore, which was the far end of the club we were in. Whispers like "she's been all over him for months, maybe he's finally giving in even though she's ugly" reached my ears, but me, having my eyes set on Mr. Perfect, and Mr. Guy at the same time, didn't take it to heart much, because I wasn't too into the story (even when Mr. Perfect himself had his heart broken by another girl that very party). I also didn't care much about those rumors, because I know this girl a little better than most people that talked about her like that because we were on the same delegation, and although she might be a little desperate, she's a sweet girl, and if they care for each other, than all hale Mr. Guy and Miss Sunshine.
I was kinda tired of all the things boy related until a very weird thing had occurred with Mr. Guy. On the last night the school had decided that we'll sleep in huge tents- one for the boys and another for the girls. Before heading to the showers that were there, I had taken a walk with a friend of mine to catch up seeing as we haven't talked in a long time, and she had a few things to tell me. As we walk out of our own tent, where we had placed our stuff, Mr. Guy walks out of the boys' tent and asks me a question I have no answer to. I then told him that I was freezing, because the desert nights will freeze you booty off. A second later, as if synchronized, we both tug at each others' sweatshirts, pulling each other close into a very deep, very long hug. He put his hand in my hair pulling me even closer, and we were just standing there for, literally, two minutes while my friend's waiting for me, and while  his friend is waiting for him. Just standing there, breathing in and out. My friend then proceeded to look at me weird. And I felt weird enough about that hug even without her looking at me funny. That odd feeling spread across my face in the shape of a warm, blushing smile the entire night. That is until I saw him sitting with Miss Sunshine all cuddled up together.
Come yesterday night we go out sitting with a group of a few people, comprising of Mr. Guy, Miss Sick who tagged along for no apparent reason, myself, and many more. We sit there talking, and some how when Miss Sick gets drunk stupid, and then drunk sad, people say that she's drinking so much to grab Mr. Guy's attention. Obviously, the curious person that I am, I had to ask, having absolutely no personal interest in the matter whatsoever. They say that she's been in love with him since last year when she was a Freshman and he was a Senior. She has written him on Facebook all the time, and he, being the playaaa that he is and the manly man that he is, didn't really put her off. Then we get many many texts in our groups on WhatsApp talking about how Miss Sunshine and Mr. Guy might have been together on the party this passing Friday. I know Miss Sunshine didn't really give it to him, because she said so herself, and we are friends, even though she can come across as a smidge desperate. So then Miss Sick's friend takes her to the side, and they disappear for a while, and Mr. Guy goes in to check on them. A half hour later we go there on the way home, and realize that she's been sick all over herself, almost lost consciousness, and a few guys from my grade that happened to be there with the rest of my grade that didn't come with us, but went on their own to the very same place, giving her first aid, trying to help her. And that's after she's already  been sick in my friend's car, a friend who wanted to take her home.
I then realize that Miss Sick over heard all the people laughing at Mr. Guy and Miss Sunshine's supposed affair, and got jealous. That's the reason why her friend texted Mr. guy to come help her with Miss Sick, and that is the reason he felt obligated to help her. Actually, no, that was a complete lie. I did not realize it then.
What did happen is that today I spoke to him for hours and hours. I started a conversation telling him it was sweet and gentleman-like of him to help her like this, and hold her hair away from her face and all. Then again we went on and on talking about many other things. Many of them were him complimenting me, and being all sweet. Later on my friends come over, and my friend talks to me about last night saying how she's pissed at him for playing Miss Sick like that, and that was weird, because that friend of mine has always been very loving towards him, and she's really good friends with him. And she was mad at him for saying that he's doesn't want to play girls like this anymore, and he's looking for something different. "Different my ass" were her words.
THAT was when I realized what happened. And that was the moment I realized I've been acting just as stupid as Miss Sick, letting him play me like he actually cares. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that that friend of mine (she's not single if you thought she likes him or anything. She actually really wanted us to e together this entire time) is a really good friend to the both of us, and that if she tells me something like this then:
a. She's not lying
b. He probably is the one who told her, which makes it rather truthful, more than the rumors about Miss Sunshine and him, that is.
I've been played. Over all before Miss Sick got terribly sick, the night was really great. I had a few nice bonding moments with all sorts of people that I haven't a chance to talk to much, or at all in the past.
This is a song he sent me today while playing me. I quite like it, so at least we've found a new song we didn't know about it. There always is a bright side :)

Sorry I have been a little MIA. Talk soon. XOXO Roni J.