I'm Scared

Ugh.
Sorry, let's rewind and explain.
There's a certain frustration in fear. That thwarting feeling kicks in especially when you're missing out on stuff you might want. The apprehension has a way of holding you back from things you know could be good for you, and even life changing, and you just scream on the inside, trying to fight it, but it doesn't go away. You're wanting to take that leap, dive in, but some invisible iron chords are tugging and pulling you, preventing you from getting where you want to get, or being who you want to be.
These past two weeks Mr. Danger had a summer break, and he was home the entire time. We just didn't meet up. No one made the move. Saturday was his last day home, and I tried a couple times to make plans with him, because we have to talk things over, no matter what decision we make, but these decisions never played out.
I was so ready to end it already. I mean if we have two whole weeks to see each other, and neither one of us makes the effort to make it happen, how will it turn to be when we're both in college, busy, and barely seeing each other once a week, if not less? I was thinking that it's just us dragging it, because we both care a lot about each other, but there is really no point in it. We're both in this gray unknown area we can't get out of, that's holding us back.
So around 7 pm on Saturday when I saw this wasn't going to happen I asked him if he's got time later on that night. It took him time to reply, and he said he does have time, but only later that night. I was OK with the late hour, because I have to be absolutely NOWHERE, but considering he had to drive back really early to college the next morning in order to get to class, it was fairly odd, but fine. Who cares? It's not going to take much time I just have to end it the way I planned it. Like I prepared myself; it's not working out; we're both scared; we can't work this out; that we were more like a couple before we kissed, before we started being uncomfortable, and timid around each other.
And then he asked me where I want to go, and I said I don't know, and he said fine I have an idea. I asked him where we're going, and he said it was a surprise, which made me feel like he does care, and made me scared to blow it up in his face, and say it's not working out.
He came to pick me up around midnight, and we greeted each other bashfully. *IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE* I've known Mr. Danger for years now, I know him well, and I know he would never do anything to cause me any harm (contrary to his nickname). I DO NOT suggest that any girl drives off into the night with a guy she's not absolutely a 100% familiar with, and 100% familiar with his intentions. That IS dangerous. Safety comes FIRST! We then drove off. We talked about random things in the car, and then we got to a place called the "End of the World". It's a dead end of a street overlooking the view of the whole city from the mountain top, and you can see all the way to the harbor, and the little glowing lights of boats. 
We sat down and gone on talking and rambling about our lives to each other. Everything we missed out on all this time that our talks have been vacant and shallow, and all this time we haven't seen each other or acted like complete strangers when we did. His family, my family, his friends, my friends, politics, college, changes; more and more words kept pouring out of our mouths. I started getting a feeling that I might not want to end it, that I really missed just talking to him, and that I could talk to him about the most ridiculous topics, but at the same time I could talk to him about the most serious of subjects. 
It started to feel like it had before we kissed. Maybe even the same as the night of the kiss, when we sat down on the sand at the beach after one too many beers, and talked for two hours about everything and nothing at the same time, and then he kissed me. Just like that, we sat there for around 3 hours talking about everything yet nothing, in the "End of the World", overlooking the ocean, nothing touching but our knees brushing up against each other ever so slightly. We both looked at my cellphone to find that it's 3 am, and that he's got to wake up super early. Reality check.
And all at once silence fell upon us. Not that we couldn't go on talking about stupid stuff for the rest of the night, but there was really no need. "Can we stop being shy assholes?" he then asked, and like waking up from a dream, reality kicked in and I rallied. Literally rallied, and assembled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, lowering my head. It took me by complete surprise, although it shouldn't have at all, and I started stuttering and stammering, muffling words under my breath. Thinking that I am the shyest person I know, and the biggest asshole.
It was half silent, and half awkward muffles coming out of both our mouths, until he pleaded "please, let me end this awkward moment", and coaxed my face, holding it in both hands, to look directly at his, really up close, eyes set directly on his, lips parallel to his. I just... lowered my head, and looked down.
Somehow I managed to make the most awkward of moments, even more awkward. "I can't believe this..." he muttered under his breath. I can't either, I thought to myself. I apologized. I said that's how I am when it comes to these things, and that this is the reason I warned him when we said we'd "try" this thing out, that's why I said he's about to suffer; I'm painfully shy. "You're not easy", he said and simpered dolefully. That's an understatement, I thought, and then said almost silently, "I'm formidable". Almost silently. He smiled at that. 
"Do you not want this?" he doubted himself aloud, and I couldn't help but feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I told him it doesn't have to do with him, thinking about an earlier failed relationship that I wrecked this year, because he tried to kiss me and I moved because I was scared. In both cases it wasn't lack of interest that pulled me away, but those same iron chords of fear and apprehension. "Am I that bad without the alcohol?" he wavered again, not understanding it's about me. "I am that bad without the alcohol", I replied. It pained me that I made him feel even more insecure about himself. As if he wasn't timid enough, I had to punch him in the gut and hurt his self esteem even more. I finally managed to form a clear coherent sentence, "If you're a shy asshole, I am twice, if not three times as big a shy asshole as you are. With alcohol it worked, because I wasn't as shy, nor was I as immense an asshole as I am usually". -"In two weeks' time, when I come back home, I'll take care of that". -"You don't have to take care of it", I said, "I need to". 
Not late after that we got up and he drove me home, because it was far too late for him. At least we communicated like humans, and it wasn't silent. But it seemed that I have agreed to make this agreement with him, this arrangement, that next time we see each other I will get wasted, and then I won't be this hard, I'll be easier. I know this is not what he meant in no way. As I've mentioned before he really is a good guy, and would never use me. If he would have wanted to use me, we were alone at night both times, and he could do it then, but he didn't. And no one would work this hard for a girl to get her to give it to him. But it made me feel like, for one thing, I can't control my fears, I can't face them and deal with them without the help of intoxicating substances, which is nothing I aspire to be. And it also makes this relationship ultra trashy, and that's not what I want it to become; not the relationship, and not myself.
I talked to my best guy friend the morning after, scared that I wrecked this relationship, just like the one before it, and that I pushed Mr. Danger way too far. My guy friend said that now that he understands that I'm THAT shy, he probably respects me more, and that he probably thinks that it's cute now that I finally wasn't a bitch about it, and that I talked openly about it. That he probably sees me as rare. By the way Mr. Danger took it, I mean, when he finally realized that it's not about him or even my feelings for him, but about my fear of intimacy, that seems to be true.
I don't know how I will handle the alcohol issue because I definitely don't want to be dependent on it to be able to do something as simple as kissing someone that I want to kiss, but I'm also afraid that I won't be able to and move away just the same as I did so many times in the past when guys tried to kiss me.I want to be able to face and conquer my fear. Just like when I conquered my fear of heights when I went rappelling earlier this year. I'll bite the bullet (not literally, because it's hard to kiss that way), and "just do it". I hope.
Love loads, XOXO Roni J.

Marching On (March And February Favorites)

Hello girls,
I planned on writing this post today, but it seems like that decision was made so long ago... I had a great day. We had a long rehearsal for the musical I talked about in the post When In Rome that I wrote about a week ago. We started doing the dance number where we dance in couples, and one of my most lovely beloved guy friends and I are dancing that number together, which I couldn't be any more happy about.
The problem is... I got some news today, that kind of make it hard to remember all that. I... got the news that a good friend of mine, with whom I got quite close this year, might have gotten cancer. And now... "it sure makes everything else seem so small".
I'm so scared, God, I'm frightened out of my mind. The thing that scares me the most, to be honest, is not the fact that she might be sick, or the fact that I might lose her, God forbid, that scares me a crapload as well, but the thing that frightens me the most is, actually, the fact that I have no idea how to help her. I want to say the words that would heal it all, and would cure her of anything bad. I want to be there for her and hold her hand through anything she might have to face. I just don't know what to say. I just don't know what to do. I just get sick to my stomach just thinking that I might have to find the words.
How can you march on from something like this? How do you get up, and walk on forward, being strong, because you have to be that way for someone else? Moving forward seems like the hardest task in the world right now.
"For all of the times we've stopped, for all of the things I'm not, we put one foot in front of the other, we move like we ain't got no other. We'll go where we'll go- we are marching on".
As long as this is not a sure thing yet, which I hope it will never become a sure thing so bad, I shall now put my thoughts and prayers aside for a second, and go back to something shallow, something that freaks me out a little less, something that will help me forget for a second, and maybe that break will help me find the words, because, otherwise, I really don't have any idea in mind as of what I should do.
March has been, the most fantastic, most amazing, most crazy most hectic, most full of friends and laughter and joy I've had in a long time. I could live this month over and over and over again, and never get bored, because it was full with everything I could ever ask for.
I kind of summed up all that happened in the last post that I linked somewhere up there right above those few lines of simple and honest melt down. There was Rome, and there was quality time with my sister, there were amazing sleepovers, crazy parties, amazing times with friends, boys, rehearsals, dancing, singing, acting, sleeping (barely), there was waking up early for a quick chem class after a crazy night out, there were pubs and bars, there were trip with old friends, and there were trips with new friends, there were family dinners, there was past, and there was future, but, mainly, there was present. I lived in the moment almost every moment of this month, and nothing makes me more grateful to God, (I've been sounding religious in this post, so I'm sorry if that offends you in anyway or angers you, but I do have my beliefs) to my family, to my friends, and anyone who's made this month possible, than the times I've had. This is everything I could ask for.. I just wish it could last forever...
So I'll tell you about a few things that made the past two months (yes February you were pretty darn great yourself, and I was too busy to talk about you, and I'm sorry) into what they were.

#Favorite hair products:

1) Hair mask- Elvive Damage Care hair mask. I have never really had to use a hair mask before, because I have naturally healthy hair, but, when I dyed the ends of it blonde for the Ombre, it drained the life out of my hair. I bought this mask, because I used another conditioner from that company previously, and I loved it, but there wasn't the matching mask to that conditioner, so I took this one. It's helped my ends feel softer, and not so brittle. There are still split ends, because it's not a magical worker, but it helped tremendously. I use it once a week ever since February, and, since you don't need much (about ping pong ball amount-randomest description ever), it still isn't even close to running out, which is great, because you get value for the price you pay, which isn't even that much. I don't remember exactly how much it cost, but it wasn't bad at all.


2) Conditioner- Elvive Damage Care conditioner. From the same range as the hair mask, as you can see. When I saw how great the mask was, I picked up a matching conditioner to try it out, and it is amazing. Not only does it leave your hair really soft, and really easy to detangle, it also has the best scent ever. I am not kidding you about the amount of people who smelled my hair these past two months, and complimented me about how amazing it smells. I also got great compliments on the shine that I have to my hair, which is thanks to both products listed above.

#Makeup Products:

1) Eyeshadow- Charcoal Brown by MAC. I will be honest now, the most I did with this eyeshadow was really not eye related. I contoured with it. I know it sounds freaky since it's really pigmented, and dark, but what I did was place it in a thin line with my finger right below the jaw bone, and then blended it in really well with a blush brush. I also have a really high brow so I blend this in right at the bottom of
the brow bone, and a little into the crease if I want to look more put together. I love this shadow to pieces

2) Blush- Fleur Power by MAC. I was really into cheeks this month, which is quite an odd thing to say, but for the first time, if I hadn't done my cheeks I wouldn't have felt complete. This blush is absolutely gorgeous. It is really pigmented, especially if I use my Ecotools blush brush, for some reason, so you need to use it with a really light hand. I apply it a little off of my apples and more on the outer part of my cheek bones, and blend it onto my temples, because it makes you look younger than when applying to the apples themselves. I love this blush. It is a peachy, rosey, pink matte blush, which I love, because it looks natural, and I hate high shimmer on my cheeks.

3) Lipsticks:

*Media by MAC. It is a dark vempy color. It suits my olive skin tone so well, and makes my teeth look whiter. I love it, even though, when going into spring I was supposed to ditch the dark lip colors. I don't care. I sometimes play it down in the day time by putting Vaseline on first, and then it looks light and glossier. It's a satin finish, by the way.

*Racy by MAC. Unfortunately it is a limited collection lipstick. WHYYYY?!! It is from a collection that came out in 2008 I think, I found it in my sister's stuff, unopened, untouched, fabulous and ready for me to steal it from her, which I obviously did. Beautiful deep red color with golden shimmer running through it. Of course I can't find it now, and I can't find what finish it is online, but I think it might be frost. Doesn't matter, because you can't buy it anymore... *ANGRY*

*On Hold, also by MAC. Lovely lovely cranberry pink shade. Looks like the color of my lips but a few shades deeper. I love it for everyday, because it looks quite springy, but still a bit dark, because light lipsticks look pasty on me. It looks far too dark in the picture, but, oh well. It's a cremesheen finish. It's freaking lovely and comfortable to wear.

#Beauty:

 1) Perfume- Tresor Midnight Rose by Lancome. It smells freaking delicious, and I've been complimented on the smell of it, as well as the smell of my hair because of the conditioner, so many times it's gotten ridiculous. It smells like roses obviously, but not an overwhelming scent of roses, because I, myself don't like rosey scents all that much. I like deeper sweeter scents in general, so if you don't like a sweet scent, this could be quite sickening to you. It also smells like raspberries, and a little bit like vanilla and woody scents. I have not worn ANY other perfume since I got it last month, and I am one to choose perfume by mood, so I basically usually change it daily.

 #Entertainment:

1) Musician- Ed Sheeran. He is.... He is just... Unbelievable, and unbelievably talented. Not only does he sing like an angel, his lyrics are phenomenal, and his compositions are heartbreaking, he can cover any song like nothing in the world. I just... adore him. I've been listening to Miss You, Kiss Me, Small Bump, Give Me Love, Cold Coffee, Little Bird, his cover to Thrift Shop with another great artist, Passanger, that was in January's favorites, and to his cover of Don't Think Twice It's alright. He's one beautiful ginger man

2) Song-  Surprisingly, not by Ed, is the beautiful A Thing For Me by Metronomy, but not the original one, although I love it, as well. I am talking about the remix. It's the best thing, most catchy thing this world invented. It's my cookie to crumble if you know what I mean.

3) Movie- 21 Jump Street. I watched it for the first time about two weeks ago, and I laughed my eyes out. I just loved it.

4)T.V. Shows-

*Smallville. Started watching it again. Best show ever.

*Everwood. Had a fun time going back in time watching that show. Quite a crappy teen show but I liked it.

*New Girl. The new episodes just crack me up like nothing else.

4) Books-

*Divergent and Insurgent. Once I finally had time I read through them as fast as lightening. Love them both for their distopian creativity, and the amount of detail put into the book in order to create that world.

*Uglies. Another distopian series. I've just started Uglies, and I freaking love the book so much. I hope to read through them fast, but I barely got time. Again, so much detail put into the description of the place, but not in a boring dragging it too long kind of way. Love it.

*Kindle. Took it to Rome with me and read every night until I fell asleep holding it. I love that little thing. It holds up greatness. 


Hope with all of my heart that you have a great weekend, and that you are safe, and healthy, and surrounded by people you love. If there's ever a time of need go to the Contact Me page. I'm here!
XOXO Roni J.