A Sad Symphony

Oh gosh, I have not written in so long.
I have not written in almost 9 months. It's almost the time it takes to give birth to a child. And in some way I almost feel like I must have done just that in the past 9 months. No, I did not actually give birth to a child, thank goodness, heavens no. I haven't even lost my virginity.
What I did do, though, is so many things I never even imagined I would have done in a million year, and gone so many places I never in my life thought I would set foot in. Seeing as my year in the most incredible of programs has sadly come to an end, and with it all the unbelievable experiences I have gone through that have changed me and defined me so much that I am a different person now.
What have I managed to accomplish? I have learned to navigate in nature, I have met the most incredible group of people my own age, I have lived alone with these people, I learned about philosophy, economics, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, history, and so many subject that would just take too long to write, I went on a week called survival week, I went abseiling, I toured the entire country, I fell in love a couple times, had my heart broken just the same amount of times I fell in love, I was almost kissed a few times, and have been kissed once, and... Life... It was at its best.
But now, seeing I am back home for the summer, all my friends live in different parts of the country or are in college, now I feel exactly the same as I was just 9 months ago. A major set back. I am having a fight with a friend that I had fights with in August, about her having her head stuck up her ass instead of seeing that the people around her are going through stuff as well, and you can't just have a friendship work one way around. It doesn't work that way.
And the boy that kissed me.. Mr. Danger.. He's not dangerous really, but he likes to think of himself as a bit of a James Bond, thinking he's such a fearless guy. We were about to start a relationship, but we're both extremely shy and me being the tight ass bitch that I am when I am shy... I make it impossible for myself to know whether or not I want it. Whether I am rejecting it because it's really not something that I want, or whether it's just my fear talking. And I managed to scare Mr. Danger, and he's been pulling back. And I keep going back and forth between wanting to end it officially, wanting to let it die on its own, or trying again, because I might actually have feelings for Mr. Danger.
And my parents being in Japan on holiday, me all alone at home, both my siblings swamped with work, it is just all the more hard. I feel lonely, and I have no one to pick me up, except for that one Skype call once a day, and God how I miss them.
So in awe of how depressive I managed to be this weekend- here's a list of my most favorite depressive songs at the moment, that I have been playing over and over to help me find a way to describe how I feel.
First spot in the list in no particular order, takes this sweet cover of the famous ballad by Bob Dylan- Boots of Spanish Leather, done incredibly well by the lead singer of the Lumineers- Wesley Schultz, who's voice is so relaxing yet unnerving at the same time. It's about drifting away more than just physically, and it is absolutely lovely.

Second is a song based on the same drifting apart in more than one way. It is Boston by Augustana. I remember that one night, around six months ago, when we were in our room, my roommate played on her phone speakers, and I remembered this song like I'd heard it before, even though to this day I cannot recall where from.
Either way I've fallen in love with it again thanks to my roommate whom I love desperately. Both of them.

Third is another song about things changing, and people starting to grow apart, and it's called Ashes and Wine by a Fine Frenzy. Alison Sudol's incredible voice, and the lyrics make this make you feel. We had her first album in the car when I was 12 or 13, and I remember saying it is the perfect rainy-day song because it goes perfectly in sync with windshield wipers. Food for thought.

One that I have played over and over the most times this entire weekend, and has become my depressed mood anthem is this beautiful heart wrenching song from the soundtrack to Once, sung by the Swell Season's Irish singer Glen Hansard- Leave. I really have little to say, and no matter what I say about it won't do the song any justice so just listen to it, please. I beg of you.

Speaking of leaving, Israeli singer- Asaf Avidan makes it pretty clear that "baby, I'm leaving" in this yet again heart wrenching song Of Scorpions and Bells.

What You're Thinking by my beloved Passenger ft. Josh Pyke has been my favorite song for almost two years now. Passenger's ability to morph emotions into lyrics is inspiring, not only in this song. Michael Rosenberg's got beautiful sad songs done. Girl Running, Table for One, Feather on a Clyde, What Will Become of Us, Caravan, Things You've Never Done, Walk in the Rain, are just a few of his many beautifully worded sad songs. This one's just my absolute favorite, because it puts into words the frustration in not being able to figure someone out, and in wanting to fix it all but it's just all so out of hand, and it pulls you apart.

Next one's been repeatedly played this week to the point that I am happy we're not dependent on cassettes anymore, because I would rip the shit out of this tape. It is Sara Bareilles's Send Me the Moon. Making an impossibly serene sound to the anxiety of waiting to see someone you miss so much, wanting the sun and the moon to go in circles together so that you don't have to wait even one more day to see them. Parents, this is your cue.

Say Anything by Anderson East ft. Jill Andrews is just what I've been feeling like the past month since everything has started with Mr. Danger. We're both so emotionally incapable, so challenged with our feelings, that neither one of us says anything they want to say. It's that frustrating "just say something. Anything that will make me stay" kind of  feeling. And this song portrays it beautifully in the amazing voices of both Anderson and Jill.

Another frustrating feeling is the feeling that you've gone back to square one. You felt like this big change has happened in your life and God laughs at you like "haha.. NO". We Never Change by Coldplay is, in my opinion, their best creation. It's brutally honest to the point of heartbreaking.

Miles Away by Years Around the Sun is the song that makes me want to run away. Change a scenery, be anywhere but here, travel as far as possible from everything I have been feeling lately, that's where I want to be. The way they describe the perfect mind melting place on earth- sand, sun, moon, stars, lights... Just away.

This is it for today. For more sad songs, or anything else you can message me here or on Tumblr if you feel like, all that information in the contact me page.
Love you all, hoping for a better week ahead, XOXO Roni J.

Burning Up

Well hello there. It's not everyday that I pull a Jonas Brothers' song out of my ass just like that, but it is so fitting considering I am burning up. Not for anyone in particular, hell no. I haven't been any less interested in anyone since I was like 4. I am burning up, though, God am I burning up. Fever. That's what I have. Oh and tonsils the size of a tennis ball each. Fun.
So yea. I basically have to drink all my foods and miss out a ton of things in college. Not fun at all really.
I got some good news that the film I made senior year got into a big international film contest in Hollywood, so I might be traveling there the end of this month. It's a great honor, and so rewarding, to know that after all that I have put into that stupid film, after all that I did for this stupid film, it's finally starting to pay off. A little. A little at a time.
So this is my little short update that's probably not really satisfying for you in any way shape or form, but it's time to take some medicine and fall back asleep. <3 XOXO Roni J.

My First Kiss Wasn't A Little Like This

Hello there my fantastic friends. 

This month as I have already mentioned in the last post I think is genuinely the craziest month of my life. To my sincere dismay I came back from Greece yesterday after a very very eventful fun trip, but there's just so much that happened beforehand that I can't skip. 

First I hosted a family that I used to be neighbors with when I lived abroad. At first I was really worried about hosting them, because the girl who's my age and I haven't spoken since my visit two years ago. But to be honest it was just like in old times. We shared tons of laughs and we were really getting along well, which made me remember how much I miss her and her humor. We were really really tight back then. 

A day after she left I had to leave for summer camp. I am not kidding you when I say the people there are my family. Throughout the years I've been to several places of the same sort, and for longer periods of time, but never have I been able to call those places home, or the people there my family. In under a year, a year that was crazy eventful, I have met a group of people that were so accepting of me, and of who I am, so familiar, so loving, and for that I am grateful every day. 

During camp it was evident that these people are family to me, and to each other. The last day, when we said our goodbyes, everybody was crying, everybody. All the guys, the guys that always pretend to be big strong men, wept for hours. They are my brothers. 

All except one. 

Throughout the camp I've gotten to know him better, not to speak of the fact that throughout this entire year he's become better and better looking. Wise man, you know the drill, when a new guy shows up he gets a nickname that suits his dominant features or traits. So this guy is a proven genius. All the guys idolize him for his brains, but he's not a cocky jerk. He's sweet and humble about his achievements and success. Anyways, I have worked real close with him the entire camp which made it so easy to fall for him and his charm. Unfortunately he hasn't shown any interest in me the entire time. Not really. I mean in the beginning maybe a little, or maybe I mistook it for interest. 

The thing is we went to a bar the day after camp was over and he kept asking to walk me home. I obviously thought it might mean something but in my stupidity I was upset to realize we just live quite close and he wanted company on his way home. Which is what he got when my friend drove us home in the end. So maybe it was in the intention of having something happen and he regretted it or something, but whatever I was already too occupied with thinking about Greece and about the new people I met that will be going to college with me next year in a meeting the day after camp that made me feel much better about, and much more excited for next year. 

An incident happened at the bar when one guy friend of mine who knows about my never been kissed status got a little drunk and told the guys about it, when I am not too pleased about them knowing, so I denied it saying he doesn't know about the last few things that happened and that I have met a guy that's going to college with me next year and I was with him. They believed it and he apologized the very next day, plus Wise Man wasn't there when they talked about it, so it doesn't matter much to me. I love him nonetheless. 

And then Greece happened. It was a crazy, insanely fun trip. You all know my opinion of alcohol, and I wasn't going to give up my morals there either, but I did drink in moderation, and it was a once in a very long time thing. I do how ever know my limits with drinking very well, and, even when drunk, I am very aware of myself and my surroundings. That is why I wasn't afraid to let go a little for once. My friends were also careful with over drinking, and it made it way easier for us to have fun without being worried that if one of us is missing for a few minutes then she must be dying in a dark corner in an estranged country. 

Our vacation started with a pool party on Monday, that I still do think was the best out of all the parties we have been to there. It was free cocktails, so we had a few, and we met some other friends that came a day before us and the really sweet nice guys that were in their hotel, one of them was crushing on me a little, I've been told by one of the girls, and I also felt it during the party. We had a ton of fun, and being a little drunk I flirted with a guy that hit on me , even though he wasn't to my taste especially because he kept sounding needy and desperate, but also because he wasn't the best looking. He then tried to kiss me, which I avoided desperately, not wanting my first kiss to be with him whatsoever. It did however boost my confidence that both guys were interested in me, and, when we also met some guys from my school, I felt like they were a little flirtatious with me, as well, which made me feel even more confident. 

That night we went to a club, and again I was just a little drunk, so I was looser than usual, and I started dancing with this really really hot guy that hit on me. I would always get so nervous doing this in the past, but Being a little looser than usual, and a lot more confident, I didn't mind much, and we were dancing really close. I mean really close. I felt like a little but of a skank right there, but hey I know I'm not so that's ok. We were dancing like this for... An hour. I'm not kidding you, and he kept asking me if he could kiss me, and me being the frightened little inexperienced child I kept saying no, and, after a while, when I sobered up, I kindly left the poor guy, and neither pair of our lips kissed. Shame, because he was smoken, and quite sweet when we talked. 

The very next day we got a little bit of a tan by the hotel pool which was a lot of fun, after we got up quite late, because we came back in at 5am like the true party animals that we are... Yeah sure whatever. 

In the evening, around 8 we went to a glow paint party to which you get something to cover you up with, that kind of looks like a space suit that we cut into a shorts, and short sleeves suit so that we wouldn't look THAT ridiculous.. It hasn't helped. And when you get in there, besides, you know, the music and the regular party going on, there are huge hoses that shoot glow in the dark paint at you. It was the second most fun party we went to while there right after the pool party. It was just insane. We walked in and then we meet the guys from one of the girls' school, and they're all her friends, one of which is also my neighbor. I, then, spot one of them and look at him and think.. Hmmm... Looking good. And then my brain goes missing. All that's working is just hormones, hormones, hormones. He is what you call "tall, dark, and handsome".  And shirtless, so very shirtless. Yeah, way to help my hormones quite down, dude. So we dance with the guys for a while and Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome is sweet to me, but it's unclear if he's interested in me because he's quite apathetic on the outside, which is a weird thing about me, but I like that about guys. Wise Man is like that, as well. And I talk to him a little, basic information and stuff all the while talking to the other guys, but flashing a few extra flirtatious smiles in his direction to make myself clear without looking desperate, and I can feel sexual tension, but then again he's chill and doesn't show any sign of interest except for a few smiles back at me.  After a while, one of the guys from my school that went to camp with me came up to me fully drunk, and said hello and we hugged and stuff, and usual friendly behavior. And then it got weird. All my friends call me a bee for some reason, it's been explained in the past I would think. And so he starts saying "hey I heard you've stung five already". And by stinging he means I was with five guys in Greece. For some odd reason the guys though that I'm this huge player before the accident, because I keep my love life very on the down low in front of them, because I have been attracted to some of them and I don't feel like having them know I have no love life whatsoever. He however, wasn't there when it slipped out that I have never been kissed, and still thought I'm this major player, and I replied "I can neither confirm or deny" in order to keep it yet again from their public eye. "Oh I was just assuming I haven't really heard this from anyone"-"I haven't confirmed it, though"- "oh"- "I haven't denied it either"- "true, so would you like to sting me?". And then I'm taken aback, because he had never shown any interest in me in that way, and plus he was with one of my friends during the pool party, so I was.. Surprised to say the least. And then I replied, still playful, "sweetie, if I'll sting you I will die, I am a bee after all", which is my friends satyric theory for why I haven't been with anyone yet. Then he replies "if I wanted to I could sting you" and gets closer. "And do you?" - "I'm more of a wasp person myself"- "good"- "I do, though. You can sting me if you want to" oh haha funny joke, what!? "Aww that's sweet, but no thank you" and we keep talking a little and then he leaves, and I keep talking to Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome and his friends for a while, my little drunk guy friend that I had rejected an hour ago comes back and tries to kiss me.. And I am like "hey baby, I love you and you know it, but not like that" in the nicest way possible, and then he calls me a tease, which is fine by me, but we are still cool thank God, and we talked the days afterwords and we were even better than ok. 

Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome sees my friend trying to kiss me and me rejecting him, and he jumps on the opportunity two minutes later and says "it's a little stuffy in here, wanna go outside?" To which I reply "yeah sure" without showing him how eager I was on the inside, 'cause the poor guy would have run away into the sea and would have swam all the way home out of fear. We got to the side where we had a little bit of privacy and then he puts his hands on my waist and we dance together for a while getting closer, and closer, and then in an instant I see his eyes closing and his head tilting to the left, and my mind sobers up from its absence the past hours, and immediately I'm alert and thinking, and bam I tell him not to and burry my face in his chest, because I am too self conscious. 

A minute later we part ways and I immediately think to myself 'are you a fucking idiot? You stupid fucking whore, what the hell's wrong with you!? Not only did you miss out a perfect opportunity, but you also teased the poor guy to death. That was embarrassing. You wanted him you stupid butt face.' And I have yet to calm down from that. I still want to punch myself in the face every time that I can picture his face leaning in. The guy is cute, smart, lives in the same town, he's so tall that you have to stand on your tippy toes to talk to him, which is a freaking big deal being 5'7.5", he's got abbs, a charming smile, beautiful lips, he's friendly and sweet, what the fuck more do you want from your first kiss you fool! And every time I saw him since was really uncomfortable. The girl that's friends with this entire group of guys told me that he asked her to put in a word for him before the whole thing happened saying that I am beautiful, and another friend of mine says he's never been with a girl who's not absolutely stunning, which is a huge compliment, so what the hell.. Huh?

The rest of the stay was fun nonetheless and I got a little bit of a tan and a few new friends, and a lot of confidence that I am pretty enough, that guys that I want could want me back. I am still the dumbest girl on the planet but at least I got the looks down. 

I am now in Oslo to visit my mom who's staying here for half a year. This place is the absolute opposite of everything Greece was, and there's light until 00:00 at night, which is just odd. 

Hope I wasn't hard to bare with my big mouth and tiny brain. Loves you all. Xoxo Roni J. 

Someday

Hello hello girls.
How is your week ending? Hope that well. If not you should remember that it is soon to be over with, and when the next week starts you will be ready to accept it with your arms wide open, or as John Legend says in his song Someday "For today my eyes are open, my arms are raise for your embrace, my hands are here to mend what is broken, to feel again the warmth of your face".
Ah how I love this song.
I donated blood today. I am proud of it, very. Not only did it make me feel exceptionally good about my being, and about helping society just like most good doings, but it has also made me physically feel exceptionally good, which is weird considering that they withdrew 17 ounces or half a litter from my body, and I was really high and happy all day for some reason. It made me calm down, and feel relaxed and eased, and just happy. It was the weirdest feeling. People said I looked a little high, which I would never ever be. Anyways, I really recommend doing it once a every three months. It is also very healthy for renewing your blood cells.
Ben (the fictional name to this guy I like) and I have no progress. As usual, I am stuck. I did, however, tell one of my best friends that I like him after having a debate with myself whether I should or not, seeing as she's one of his really good friends. She took it quite well, unexpectedly shall I say, and she said that the more she thinks about it the reason he's been looking around at younger girls, and hooking up with everything that moves is because of his low self esteem, which is a well known fact, and that she thinks that he kept telling her that I'm perfect (I've heard him say that before. Excitement.), and that she thinks I fit his type (Gorgeous isn't it?!). She said that if I do something about it there's a chance that someday... Something in me got even more nervous thinking that there's even a chance that he might ever like me. Hence I get more nervous around him. Freak of nature. I know.
I do however smile like a fool when I think about him. I literally caught myself smiling like a fool while thinking about him today as I took a glimpse at myself in one of the car's window's reflection. A stupid smile creeps onto my face when thinking about him, and makes my cheeks warm up. I know it sounds stupid, but it's quite a good feeling. I don't think that's what happened with Bob, and this lasted about a year.
I want to act upon it, but I.. Just never have. What if I do it awkwardly, and he starts laughing in the middle. I might start a shock episode, because I am soooo nervous. What a train wreck. You know what the funny thing is? I may or may not have mentioned it, but I've done way scarier things in life like staying in a different country at my friends' houses for a whole half year when I was only 14. Why is it that the thought of even talking to Ben scares me so much? Maybe someday I will act. See the theme here?
Something else that this friend of mine said, which meant a lot to me is that I'm way out of his league, and not the opposite, which I will probably never believe, but it was heart warming to know that's what she thinks, and even that it's what she thinks he feels about me. Maybe.
I hope that I finally get the courage to get closer to him, and that I'm not completely tiring you all out with my non-existent love stories.
Have a great weekend! <3 Loads and loads of love. XOXO Roni J. Talk to you SOMEDAY soon.
P.S. If there's any question you have, please do contact me through the contact information listed in the contact me page.