I'm Scared

Ugh.
Sorry, let's rewind and explain.
There's a certain frustration in fear. That thwarting feeling kicks in especially when you're missing out on stuff you might want. The apprehension has a way of holding you back from things you know could be good for you, and even life changing, and you just scream on the inside, trying to fight it, but it doesn't go away. You're wanting to take that leap, dive in, but some invisible iron chords are tugging and pulling you, preventing you from getting where you want to get, or being who you want to be.
These past two weeks Mr. Danger had a summer break, and he was home the entire time. We just didn't meet up. No one made the move. Saturday was his last day home, and I tried a couple times to make plans with him, because we have to talk things over, no matter what decision we make, but these decisions never played out.
I was so ready to end it already. I mean if we have two whole weeks to see each other, and neither one of us makes the effort to make it happen, how will it turn to be when we're both in college, busy, and barely seeing each other once a week, if not less? I was thinking that it's just us dragging it, because we both care a lot about each other, but there is really no point in it. We're both in this gray unknown area we can't get out of, that's holding us back.
So around 7 pm on Saturday when I saw this wasn't going to happen I asked him if he's got time later on that night. It took him time to reply, and he said he does have time, but only later that night. I was OK with the late hour, because I have to be absolutely NOWHERE, but considering he had to drive back really early to college the next morning in order to get to class, it was fairly odd, but fine. Who cares? It's not going to take much time I just have to end it the way I planned it. Like I prepared myself; it's not working out; we're both scared; we can't work this out; that we were more like a couple before we kissed, before we started being uncomfortable, and timid around each other.
And then he asked me where I want to go, and I said I don't know, and he said fine I have an idea. I asked him where we're going, and he said it was a surprise, which made me feel like he does care, and made me scared to blow it up in his face, and say it's not working out.
He came to pick me up around midnight, and we greeted each other bashfully. *IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE* I've known Mr. Danger for years now, I know him well, and I know he would never do anything to cause me any harm (contrary to his nickname). I DO NOT suggest that any girl drives off into the night with a guy she's not absolutely a 100% familiar with, and 100% familiar with his intentions. That IS dangerous. Safety comes FIRST! We then drove off. We talked about random things in the car, and then we got to a place called the "End of the World". It's a dead end of a street overlooking the view of the whole city from the mountain top, and you can see all the way to the harbor, and the little glowing lights of boats. 
We sat down and gone on talking and rambling about our lives to each other. Everything we missed out on all this time that our talks have been vacant and shallow, and all this time we haven't seen each other or acted like complete strangers when we did. His family, my family, his friends, my friends, politics, college, changes; more and more words kept pouring out of our mouths. I started getting a feeling that I might not want to end it, that I really missed just talking to him, and that I could talk to him about the most ridiculous topics, but at the same time I could talk to him about the most serious of subjects. 
It started to feel like it had before we kissed. Maybe even the same as the night of the kiss, when we sat down on the sand at the beach after one too many beers, and talked for two hours about everything and nothing at the same time, and then he kissed me. Just like that, we sat there for around 3 hours talking about everything yet nothing, in the "End of the World", overlooking the ocean, nothing touching but our knees brushing up against each other ever so slightly. We both looked at my cellphone to find that it's 3 am, and that he's got to wake up super early. Reality check.
And all at once silence fell upon us. Not that we couldn't go on talking about stupid stuff for the rest of the night, but there was really no need. "Can we stop being shy assholes?" he then asked, and like waking up from a dream, reality kicked in and I rallied. Literally rallied, and assembled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, lowering my head. It took me by complete surprise, although it shouldn't have at all, and I started stuttering and stammering, muffling words under my breath. Thinking that I am the shyest person I know, and the biggest asshole.
It was half silent, and half awkward muffles coming out of both our mouths, until he pleaded "please, let me end this awkward moment", and coaxed my face, holding it in both hands, to look directly at his, really up close, eyes set directly on his, lips parallel to his. I just... lowered my head, and looked down.
Somehow I managed to make the most awkward of moments, even more awkward. "I can't believe this..." he muttered under his breath. I can't either, I thought to myself. I apologized. I said that's how I am when it comes to these things, and that this is the reason I warned him when we said we'd "try" this thing out, that's why I said he's about to suffer; I'm painfully shy. "You're not easy", he said and simpered dolefully. That's an understatement, I thought, and then said almost silently, "I'm formidable". Almost silently. He smiled at that. 
"Do you not want this?" he doubted himself aloud, and I couldn't help but feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I told him it doesn't have to do with him, thinking about an earlier failed relationship that I wrecked this year, because he tried to kiss me and I moved because I was scared. In both cases it wasn't lack of interest that pulled me away, but those same iron chords of fear and apprehension. "Am I that bad without the alcohol?" he wavered again, not understanding it's about me. "I am that bad without the alcohol", I replied. It pained me that I made him feel even more insecure about himself. As if he wasn't timid enough, I had to punch him in the gut and hurt his self esteem even more. I finally managed to form a clear coherent sentence, "If you're a shy asshole, I am twice, if not three times as big a shy asshole as you are. With alcohol it worked, because I wasn't as shy, nor was I as immense an asshole as I am usually". -"In two weeks' time, when I come back home, I'll take care of that". -"You don't have to take care of it", I said, "I need to". 
Not late after that we got up and he drove me home, because it was far too late for him. At least we communicated like humans, and it wasn't silent. But it seemed that I have agreed to make this agreement with him, this arrangement, that next time we see each other I will get wasted, and then I won't be this hard, I'll be easier. I know this is not what he meant in no way. As I've mentioned before he really is a good guy, and would never use me. If he would have wanted to use me, we were alone at night both times, and he could do it then, but he didn't. And no one would work this hard for a girl to get her to give it to him. But it made me feel like, for one thing, I can't control my fears, I can't face them and deal with them without the help of intoxicating substances, which is nothing I aspire to be. And it also makes this relationship ultra trashy, and that's not what I want it to become; not the relationship, and not myself.
I talked to my best guy friend the morning after, scared that I wrecked this relationship, just like the one before it, and that I pushed Mr. Danger way too far. My guy friend said that now that he understands that I'm THAT shy, he probably respects me more, and that he probably thinks that it's cute now that I finally wasn't a bitch about it, and that I talked openly about it. That he probably sees me as rare. By the way Mr. Danger took it, I mean, when he finally realized that it's not about him or even my feelings for him, but about my fear of intimacy, that seems to be true.
I don't know how I will handle the alcohol issue because I definitely don't want to be dependent on it to be able to do something as simple as kissing someone that I want to kiss, but I'm also afraid that I won't be able to and move away just the same as I did so many times in the past when guys tried to kiss me.I want to be able to face and conquer my fear. Just like when I conquered my fear of heights when I went rappelling earlier this year. I'll bite the bullet (not literally, because it's hard to kiss that way), and "just do it". I hope.
Love loads, XOXO Roni J.

Me Augusta!!

Hello there, my lovely readers.
I'm guessing the most of you are back at school right now, and I want you to know how jealous I am of you. I hope I will have time to post a few outfit ideas for you this week, but seeing as I am moving out of the house next week, I have quite a lot on my mind.
So today, rather than being infinitely late with my August favorites like I was last month, I decided to do it today. But first, I have a few updates.
The whole thing with Frenchie really freaked me out the first day after, which is when I wrote the last post. That's the reason I sounded way more terrified, and way more horrified by what had happened the day before. In reality, it wasn't that bad, but I was just really really embarrassed by everybody knowing, and really afraid I was no good, and really scared for some reason. I became vulnerable, which is something I am not used to, to say the least. That day, though, he asked me if I want to do something again, to which I declined, because I was really freaked out, but at least it calmed that little part of me that was worried that I was absolutely horrible, and that nibbled on my self esteem, unrightously so.
A day later he offered that I come over to Baron's garage, where they are staying right now, and I said yes. What? This prude? Agreed to come over to be one on one with a French hottie in a garage where they have a bed? Oh wow. What a progress that we've made.
When I came over, I was uncomfortable, yet again, and I kind of stayed as far as possible from him without being too insulting to his manliness, but I'm pretty sure he could sense that I was a bit astranged. I suggested that we watch a movie, so that I could avoid the makeout session as much as possible, to delay it. We watched Iron Man, because I haven't watched it, and the idea of watching a romantic comedy instead was just an unbearably agonizing thought. In all honesty, me being a big fan of super hero movies, and especially Marvel's, I didn't love the movie, which is weird, 'cause it's said to be one of the better ones. Whatever. That's not the point. During the movie dear Frenchie came to sit closer and closer, and then pulled the arm around my shoulder trick. I didn't look at him even once from the fear that something might actually happen. But the movie ended. I got up, and said that I should probably leave soon, because I have work the next day, but then he kissed me. Escape plan fail.
And then we stand there, kissing, for a minute or so. It's just much better, and less stressful, obviously, than the first time. He then suggests that we go up to the bed, and don't judge me here, but I said yes, because I know my limits, and I know that if he tries anything I will not mind kicking him in the baby maker. So we went up to the bed, and kissed a little more, nothing more than that. We also talked a little. I found it hilarious when he tried complimenting me saying that I was a good kisser, and me, being the cynicist I am, I laughed it off, and he said "no really, I swear". And then he went on and added "so please don't go for easy guys", and then I looked at him with the 'Oh 'cause you were so hard to get' look, and then he chuckles, and says "ok, fine, I'm sorry". But seriously, what the heck are you saying that for? You're leaving, what is now tomorrow. Why do you think you have an impact on how I live my life further. It was just a really dumb comment.
Never mind that though, I had a good time with him. It wasn't the perfect date, and I am surely not as attracted to him, as I have been to other guys in the past, but it was very sweet. After a while of talking we just fell asleep, and then Baron came to pick me up, and take me home. The awful thing about it, is that Baron didn't show up alone *MAY HE BE DAMNED* *AMEN*, he has to being all of the guys to his garage so that they could hang out later..... ARE YOU FCKN OUT OF YOUR MIND>!!? They were so amuzed by the sight of me leaving the garage. I didn't mind much and I said "hi" to all of them. I'm prideful, and I don't intend on having a bunch of kids interrupt my self growth.
The very next day they went to a club, all the boys I mean, including Frenchie. I didn't expect him to keep his abstinence at all. I know he was passing through, and I am just another expirience of the country that he got to have. And I was ok with it. That's why I didn't have any problem when the guys tagged a photo of him on Facebook saying "Frenchie's gonna get laidddd". I really didn't. He hasn't spoken to me since the night before, and I was like, yea that's what it was.
The day after that, though, I went to a bar for a girls' night out with two of my friends. My friend introduced me to this ok looking guy, I mean he's attractive, but not my thing at all, and she kind of pushed me to dance with him, which I did, because dancing is harmless. He tried to kiss me a few times, but I rejected him, not because I felt obliged to, or obligated to Frenchie or some other messed up idea, but because I didn't want him enough. I kept dancing with him, and my stupid friend snapped a picture of us dancing, nothing too racy, because I am classy as shit, and sent it to the girls. The girls who were out with the boys, the boys who took the girls' phones and saw the picture, the picture of me with a boy, a boy who's not Frenchie, Frenchie who's their friend.
They see it and start texting me, I'm not sure if they were serious about any of it. "How dare you do this to him?! He saved himself for you last night. He deserves better"... Seriously? Firstly, you're my friends before you were his, secondly, I wasn't with anybody, not because of him, but just 'cause, thirdly, I didn't expect him to keep abstinent, because, come on we all knew it was more than temporary. It's just a few days' summer romance little thing. Why then, in heaven's sake, would anybody, him or any other guy on the planet, expect me to stay away from others for him.
He hasn't talked to me since then, but every day the guys would ask me if I want to see him again, and I would like to think that it's not because he thought I was some whore, I hope he remembered that I was so painfully shy, and knows that that isn't something that dies out so quickly. And if he doesn't it's a shame. Because I am pretty damn amazing, and for him to judge me based upon something that's not even true, then it was nice meeting you, but I am soooo glad you're gone.
And now he's really gone. And I feel kind of blah. Not necessarily because he left, I mean, not because he's the one who left, but because I feel like no one else is waiting in line to replace him. It's just that it was a bit of excitement. Something new that was going on. And now it's gone with him. To France.
Another thing that's been going on is all of my friends going to different colleges. I am going off to college September first, but that will be talked about in a few moments. The thing is most left before me. Some surprised me incredibly with how much they text me, and how much they want to be involved and know about everything that's been going on with Frenchie, and all other stuff, while as others just disappear and disapoint.
Tiny has gone off about a week and a half ago. She and I got so close this past year. She IS my best friend along with another girl. The fact is that she was the first person I wanted to know about the whole Frenchie debacle (wasn't a debacle really, but whatever). But she wasn't here, and she didn't have time to text or answer her phone, and when she came back home for the weekend, and she said we have to meet up, which I agreed to. We made plans twice and each time I had to call her in to hear that she has to cancel, instead of have her call me and say that.
So I wrote her this big letter, saying I know how hard it is, but she made time for other people that take her for granted many times, and I find that she hasn't found time for someone like me. I just think honesty, while being quite nice about it, is the best policy, because I don't want to resent her.
She called me up the next day, and started explaining herself, not really hitting the points I was trying to make, and super justifying, instead of listening to me she just tried to show that she has it really bad, and at hearing that, obviously, I couldn't fight her. I just heard her cry and I tried to get her to stop, and see the bright side in being there, and I just cried with her. She is my best friend and I hate hearing her hurt, even if I am hurt or angry or upset, I would prefer her happiness over my own.
So there's that, and there's also the stress of moving out. On Sunday. I'm driving out there with my dad tomorrow to move the basic stuff like a blanket, and pillows, and other stuff like that, but I am about to cry my eyes out. I am so so stressed out, and don't want to leave home, and my friends who are staying here. I just don't feel like leaving my dad on his own, or living in a room that's not mine with three other girls or so. I am such a privacy seeker, and I don't even know what these girls are going to be like, or who they are at all. The college registration tries to place different girls in the room together in order to create friendships between unexpected people, so they save it for last minute for you to find out who you're rooming with.
So this is what's been going on.

Now to my favorites, which is probably something that you all are a little bit more interested in:
Unfortunately, I don't really have any beauty/fashion favorites. I haven't bought anything new, and I kind of stocked up on the same things I've been using for a while. I did buy a lot of clothes, but I will try to incorporate them in the back to school outfits.

*Movie*- Perks Of Being A Wallflower. The movie is seriously such a good movie. It's a little bit of comedy, but a lot of drama. Deals with a lot of things that us little teenager bubbleheads deal with like relationships, love, friendships, loneliness. I think it was done absolutely beautifully, the scenery, the picture quality, the outfits, the music, it's all amazing. And I am a big fan of Emma Watson and Logan Lerman, so I absolutely loved it, and I highly, highly recommend watching it. I will soon go the book as well, as soon as I kind of forget the story line, which, by the amount of time it's been taking me to read books, and good books at that, will go by faster than expected.

*Song*- It's an unexpected twist to my everyday mellow playlist- John Newman's Love Me Again. The song is catchy, deep, intense, but also upbeat. It has, both in music, and in the music video, a bit of a retro vibe that might be a little reminiscent to the disco era, disco music, and 70's and 80's clothes. I love it. I think that the fact that the lyrics are so... Intense and different, a person admitting to a mistake for treating someone he loved like a piece of sheep meat, is the reason I love this song. Watch the video to the very end. I found the end hilarious. I laughed so hard.

Another more mellow, and more fitted song that I have listened to a lot this month is Turn The Page by Matt Hires, which I have posted two posts ago. As opposed to Love Me Again, this song was relating to me on a more personal note. All the things that are ending, and I'm sad to see them end, although they bring new beginnings with them make this song this month's official anthem for me.

*T.V. Show*- Heroes. By far the best show I've seen in a while, and I'm only halfway into the first season. It is a great drama filled, thrilling show. I have not been this excited to watch another episode with any other Show in a long long time.

Thanks a lot for reading, my love bugs.
XOXO Roni J.

A Tongue Twister

It had all started a few days ago, when... Well, just read about it in the last post.
I promised I would go out with the entire group that consisted of Baron, Ginger, Blondie, Frenchie, and a few more people, when I didn't go out the night before, because I was exhausted, and they kind of came for me.
At first I went to a friend's house to watch a movie. We shall call her Mayo. Mayo is one of my best friends, if not my best, and I spend a whole lot of time at her house because I obviously like her, but I also love her mom and her older brother. Quite frankly I have a small little tiny miniature crush on her older brother. He's such a nice guy. The funniest. Cough.  I love him... Cough. And I can't remember the name of the movie but it was a futuristic movie from the 90's with Tom Cruz in it. It was so strange but it was quite good quality for a movie from the 90's. I think most of it was really this good because I was with them, and they're my favorites, but.. Yeah...
And then we were already late to meet everybody up where we had initially planned to hang out in, so they came over to a park by Mayo's house.
At first I was... SUPER nervous. I barely managed to talk to him. Mostly I just kind of did what I do best when I'm nervous, looked right through him. But my friends wouldn't give up. Oh no. They had to make sure that me and Frenchie get our alone time. They kind of go off to the side, and then Frenchie asks me if I would want to go on a walk with him. I agree, and I ask Baron to watch my purse, because I know that if I bring my cell phone, heaven knows that I will never leave the damn thing, and just ignore Frenchie, which I don't want to be doing.
We leave and go around the block once and talk, and I slowly warm up, and act more like myself, and less like the cold dead body that I have been around him the past times. We go once more around the block, and we're already really talking, and stuff, and then we start the third round after walking for about an hour.
Then he grabs my hand and comes to a stop, pulling me close to him, and trying to kiss me. We already touched lips, but I was so nervous, and my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it might turn into pudding, so I pushed him away. I then set down on a stone wall that was right behind me, and I just tried to calm down.
He was really sweet, saying things like "I know how nervous you are, and I know it's your first time, so, if you don't want anything to happen, I respect that", and like "you should have seen me my first time. I was horrible". He then sat down next to me on the wall and took my hand in his hand and played with it in his fingers. And then he shifted my hair to my other shoulder, and started kissing my neck. Not nervous. Not nervous at all.
And then it happen. We both tilted our heads and touched lips, and he quickly moved on with his tongue, and it was just plain... Odd. I don't know why I sort of expected it to feel all sorts of beautiful and nice to have someone stick their tongue into your mouth. Quite frankly it feels exactly like you would think having a second tongue going in the opposite direction in your mouth would feel. I barely knew what to do with myself... I kind of just moved a long as much as I could without biting or chewing any pieces of Frenchie out by mistake. Sounds exactly as romantic as it was. Not at all.
When we break (not saying that I was disgusted by everything that was going on in there, but definitely suggesting and implying that), and start talking a little more, I realize that all of my friends basically saw it from afar. As if I was not embarrassed enough about the whole situation. And those great friends decide to stop their cars right in front of us, and give a little nod, wink, or whatever. I'm just staring down at my hands wanting to disappear. And my friends keep driving off.
We keep talking for a little. Every once in a while, he kisses my neck again. He keeps playing with my hands the entire time. And we kissed a few more time... Which were anything that I would imagine was just not a good kiss material. He didn't have the best breath, there was so much tongue, I didn't know what to do with my hands, and it was plain uncomfortable. And some times he hugs me, which just feels clingy and uncomfortable, and says all sorts of things like "you're special", which I'm thinking like "yea right", and like "you're good at this", to which I literally just said "yea right" to his face.
Then I realize my phone, my keys, and my money are with my friends at the car so I have no way to communicate to the  planet just how much I want to be home and sleep tight before we go off to work, and it already feels like 3am, which turns out to be right when I get my phone back later. I am just stuck there with him hugging me uncomfortably, and wanting to sleep so bad.
When my friends get back they all look at me weird, and I just want to hide myself, but instead. Oh yea, fuck my life, instead of burying myself down in the soil, he chooses to kiss me goodbye, which is terribly sweet, but seeing that it's in front of everybody, I just feel like running away. The thing that makes it even more awkward is the fact that all those friends that were there almost are all the biggest blabber mouths on the surface of this planet.
Hence, the next morning, this morning, when we go say goodbye to my friend who's leaving for college, everyone and their mother already know. Lucky me. You just saved me time telling everybody on earth.
Poor guy, it's really not his fault that I'm not big into the touchy, feel-y, sweet kind of thing, and that I especially can't do them around people. I feel mean talking about him like that, because maybe he was just great, but I didn't it right or something, but I think it was just mutual.
And then the entire day I had this huge knot in my stomach of shame, and stress, and heart beats, and tiresome, so I had a nauseous feeling the entire day.
In order to get rid of that feeling I convinced myself that, at least now, that he has climbed Olympus, which was an impossible task, why would he try again. Meaning, he has managed to succeed in the challenge that is being with me, then why would he ever bother again to try and challenge himself to it.
But the feeling came back when he friended me on Facebook, and started talking to me. He invited me to watch a movie alone with him in Baron's garage tonight, but I tried my best to reject the offer at least for today, because I was tired and stressed out and nauseous. So I tried as hard  as I might to be kind and tell him we'll do it some other time before he leaves on the 28th.
I can't believe I am no longer a lip virgin. I feel like a huge page was turned, and a huge part of me was taken.
At least he was kind, and understanding, and good looking, and French, meaning it's a good story to tell the kids. I just don't want to hurt him by saying no, but I don't want to die from all the stress, either.

Not stressed at all. Who am I kidding? Scared out of my mind XOXO Roni J.

"And the darkness holds little rest for weary bones. Now turn the page, the chapter's ending."

My First Kiss Wasn't A Little Like This

Hello there my fantastic friends. 

This month as I have already mentioned in the last post I think is genuinely the craziest month of my life. To my sincere dismay I came back from Greece yesterday after a very very eventful fun trip, but there's just so much that happened beforehand that I can't skip. 

First I hosted a family that I used to be neighbors with when I lived abroad. At first I was really worried about hosting them, because the girl who's my age and I haven't spoken since my visit two years ago. But to be honest it was just like in old times. We shared tons of laughs and we were really getting along well, which made me remember how much I miss her and her humor. We were really really tight back then. 

A day after she left I had to leave for summer camp. I am not kidding you when I say the people there are my family. Throughout the years I've been to several places of the same sort, and for longer periods of time, but never have I been able to call those places home, or the people there my family. In under a year, a year that was crazy eventful, I have met a group of people that were so accepting of me, and of who I am, so familiar, so loving, and for that I am grateful every day. 

During camp it was evident that these people are family to me, and to each other. The last day, when we said our goodbyes, everybody was crying, everybody. All the guys, the guys that always pretend to be big strong men, wept for hours. They are my brothers. 

All except one. 

Throughout the camp I've gotten to know him better, not to speak of the fact that throughout this entire year he's become better and better looking. Wise man, you know the drill, when a new guy shows up he gets a nickname that suits his dominant features or traits. So this guy is a proven genius. All the guys idolize him for his brains, but he's not a cocky jerk. He's sweet and humble about his achievements and success. Anyways, I have worked real close with him the entire camp which made it so easy to fall for him and his charm. Unfortunately he hasn't shown any interest in me the entire time. Not really. I mean in the beginning maybe a little, or maybe I mistook it for interest. 

The thing is we went to a bar the day after camp was over and he kept asking to walk me home. I obviously thought it might mean something but in my stupidity I was upset to realize we just live quite close and he wanted company on his way home. Which is what he got when my friend drove us home in the end. So maybe it was in the intention of having something happen and he regretted it or something, but whatever I was already too occupied with thinking about Greece and about the new people I met that will be going to college with me next year in a meeting the day after camp that made me feel much better about, and much more excited for next year. 

An incident happened at the bar when one guy friend of mine who knows about my never been kissed status got a little drunk and told the guys about it, when I am not too pleased about them knowing, so I denied it saying he doesn't know about the last few things that happened and that I have met a guy that's going to college with me next year and I was with him. They believed it and he apologized the very next day, plus Wise Man wasn't there when they talked about it, so it doesn't matter much to me. I love him nonetheless. 

And then Greece happened. It was a crazy, insanely fun trip. You all know my opinion of alcohol, and I wasn't going to give up my morals there either, but I did drink in moderation, and it was a once in a very long time thing. I do how ever know my limits with drinking very well, and, even when drunk, I am very aware of myself and my surroundings. That is why I wasn't afraid to let go a little for once. My friends were also careful with over drinking, and it made it way easier for us to have fun without being worried that if one of us is missing for a few minutes then she must be dying in a dark corner in an estranged country. 

Our vacation started with a pool party on Monday, that I still do think was the best out of all the parties we have been to there. It was free cocktails, so we had a few, and we met some other friends that came a day before us and the really sweet nice guys that were in their hotel, one of them was crushing on me a little, I've been told by one of the girls, and I also felt it during the party. We had a ton of fun, and being a little drunk I flirted with a guy that hit on me , even though he wasn't to my taste especially because he kept sounding needy and desperate, but also because he wasn't the best looking. He then tried to kiss me, which I avoided desperately, not wanting my first kiss to be with him whatsoever. It did however boost my confidence that both guys were interested in me, and, when we also met some guys from my school, I felt like they were a little flirtatious with me, as well, which made me feel even more confident. 

That night we went to a club, and again I was just a little drunk, so I was looser than usual, and I started dancing with this really really hot guy that hit on me. I would always get so nervous doing this in the past, but Being a little looser than usual, and a lot more confident, I didn't mind much, and we were dancing really close. I mean really close. I felt like a little but of a skank right there, but hey I know I'm not so that's ok. We were dancing like this for... An hour. I'm not kidding you, and he kept asking me if he could kiss me, and me being the frightened little inexperienced child I kept saying no, and, after a while, when I sobered up, I kindly left the poor guy, and neither pair of our lips kissed. Shame, because he was smoken, and quite sweet when we talked. 

The very next day we got a little bit of a tan by the hotel pool which was a lot of fun, after we got up quite late, because we came back in at 5am like the true party animals that we are... Yeah sure whatever. 

In the evening, around 8 we went to a glow paint party to which you get something to cover you up with, that kind of looks like a space suit that we cut into a shorts, and short sleeves suit so that we wouldn't look THAT ridiculous.. It hasn't helped. And when you get in there, besides, you know, the music and the regular party going on, there are huge hoses that shoot glow in the dark paint at you. It was the second most fun party we went to while there right after the pool party. It was just insane. We walked in and then we meet the guys from one of the girls' school, and they're all her friends, one of which is also my neighbor. I, then, spot one of them and look at him and think.. Hmmm... Looking good. And then my brain goes missing. All that's working is just hormones, hormones, hormones. He is what you call "tall, dark, and handsome".  And shirtless, so very shirtless. Yeah, way to help my hormones quite down, dude. So we dance with the guys for a while and Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome is sweet to me, but it's unclear if he's interested in me because he's quite apathetic on the outside, which is a weird thing about me, but I like that about guys. Wise Man is like that, as well. And I talk to him a little, basic information and stuff all the while talking to the other guys, but flashing a few extra flirtatious smiles in his direction to make myself clear without looking desperate, and I can feel sexual tension, but then again he's chill and doesn't show any sign of interest except for a few smiles back at me.  After a while, one of the guys from my school that went to camp with me came up to me fully drunk, and said hello and we hugged and stuff, and usual friendly behavior. And then it got weird. All my friends call me a bee for some reason, it's been explained in the past I would think. And so he starts saying "hey I heard you've stung five already". And by stinging he means I was with five guys in Greece. For some odd reason the guys though that I'm this huge player before the accident, because I keep my love life very on the down low in front of them, because I have been attracted to some of them and I don't feel like having them know I have no love life whatsoever. He however, wasn't there when it slipped out that I have never been kissed, and still thought I'm this major player, and I replied "I can neither confirm or deny" in order to keep it yet again from their public eye. "Oh I was just assuming I haven't really heard this from anyone"-"I haven't confirmed it, though"- "oh"- "I haven't denied it either"- "true, so would you like to sting me?". And then I'm taken aback, because he had never shown any interest in me in that way, and plus he was with one of my friends during the pool party, so I was.. Surprised to say the least. And then I replied, still playful, "sweetie, if I'll sting you I will die, I am a bee after all", which is my friends satyric theory for why I haven't been with anyone yet. Then he replies "if I wanted to I could sting you" and gets closer. "And do you?" - "I'm more of a wasp person myself"- "good"- "I do, though. You can sting me if you want to" oh haha funny joke, what!? "Aww that's sweet, but no thank you" and we keep talking a little and then he leaves, and I keep talking to Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome and his friends for a while, my little drunk guy friend that I had rejected an hour ago comes back and tries to kiss me.. And I am like "hey baby, I love you and you know it, but not like that" in the nicest way possible, and then he calls me a tease, which is fine by me, but we are still cool thank God, and we talked the days afterwords and we were even better than ok. 

Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome sees my friend trying to kiss me and me rejecting him, and he jumps on the opportunity two minutes later and says "it's a little stuffy in here, wanna go outside?" To which I reply "yeah sure" without showing him how eager I was on the inside, 'cause the poor guy would have run away into the sea and would have swam all the way home out of fear. We got to the side where we had a little bit of privacy and then he puts his hands on my waist and we dance together for a while getting closer, and closer, and then in an instant I see his eyes closing and his head tilting to the left, and my mind sobers up from its absence the past hours, and immediately I'm alert and thinking, and bam I tell him not to and burry my face in his chest, because I am too self conscious. 

A minute later we part ways and I immediately think to myself 'are you a fucking idiot? You stupid fucking whore, what the hell's wrong with you!? Not only did you miss out a perfect opportunity, but you also teased the poor guy to death. That was embarrassing. You wanted him you stupid butt face.' And I have yet to calm down from that. I still want to punch myself in the face every time that I can picture his face leaning in. The guy is cute, smart, lives in the same town, he's so tall that you have to stand on your tippy toes to talk to him, which is a freaking big deal being 5'7.5", he's got abbs, a charming smile, beautiful lips, he's friendly and sweet, what the fuck more do you want from your first kiss you fool! And every time I saw him since was really uncomfortable. The girl that's friends with this entire group of guys told me that he asked her to put in a word for him before the whole thing happened saying that I am beautiful, and another friend of mine says he's never been with a girl who's not absolutely stunning, which is a huge compliment, so what the hell.. Huh?

The rest of the stay was fun nonetheless and I got a little bit of a tan and a few new friends, and a lot of confidence that I am pretty enough, that guys that I want could want me back. I am still the dumbest girl on the planet but at least I got the looks down. 

I am now in Oslo to visit my mom who's staying here for half a year. This place is the absolute opposite of everything Greece was, and there's light until 00:00 at night, which is just odd. 

Hope I wasn't hard to bare with my big mouth and tiny brain. Loves you all. Xoxo Roni J. 

June Sais Quoi

How long have I not written a normal sincere blog post? Far too long. My life has been... I'm not kidding you... FREAKING INSANE. I've got exams to finish (last on is ont he 4th of July...THE FUDGE?! You inconsiderate bunch of bastards!), I've got trips that I have already taken in the past few weeks and some thousands more to take, guests from my past coming, and a lot, a lot of goodbyes. So let's start explaining all the craziness that's already been going on in the past two months and continue on the path to the plans for July and August, which in comparison to them, May and June are a freaking knock knock joke.
The past two months:
I have basically graduated high school. I got a graduate diploma, a social excellence diploma for being student body president, and an academic excellence diploma, which my parents were all so proud of, and so was I. You don't know this, but it took me a long time to decide that this will be the high school that I will be attending after I came back from my two years abroad. I didn't know anybody there at the time, when I joined the school in the middle of middle school, and I didn't want to get back to my old group of friends that I was a part of in lower school. I must be honest to tell you this was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I became a part group of a really good crowd of people, and a large one at that. Besides that I can literally say that out of the entire senior class of around 250 students I dislike maybe 2, and get along with the most. These people were amazing, and accepting, and didn't judge me for my oddities, and I have many, from the very beginning. Sometimes I had rough patches with some of them, but being the  person I am, I click with a lot of different varieties of people, and I rarely ever got into clashes with anybody. So even if I really don't want any of them to freaking read this, I want them to telepathically know that I love them, and am so so sad to have to say goodbye to them all. Besides that I had amazing opportunities at school like the three delegations I took part in, student body, and amazing classes with very interesting teachers. So I'm as grateful as can be for the past four years. They were years very well spent.
As a graduation trip, the school took us into the city for the entire night. I mean we did not sleep, at all. We drove there (about three or four hours ride) by bus, but we didn't sit with our homeroom like we usually did on class trips and so forth. We sat with mixed home rooms, so I picked to sit with the one I have the most friends with, one of which is Tiny, which you might remember from past stories. I wasn't sitting next to her from the very beginning, and was sitting at the front of the bus. They played a sad goodbye song (Leaving On A Jet Plane) thinking they're oh-so-clever and oh-so-charming to make me teary eyed (the only one on the entire freaking bus), and I started crying, because I'm a girl like that, and I was trying to hide it, but the girl sitting next to me heard me sniffling a sob so she decided it was a smart idea to just yell "Oh look how sweet! Roni's crying", and I'm like.... Shut up bitch... Only much nicer than that, and Big Guy hears her, because he's sitting across from us, and says "Oh really? So you've got a heart now?". Apparently I don't show much emotions... Boo-freaking-hoo.. Kill me. My friend then goes on explaining she's probably thinking about how she won't ever see half of this senior class after today (good call pal), to which Big Guy replies in his snake charming voice (when I say snake charming, I mean both a snake, and a charmer, not a charmer of snakes) "don't worry Roni, we'll keep in touch" and winks, at the same time as I say "oh this is probably the same half of the senior class I really don't care about", which, because it was said in the exact same time, sounded kind of like a diss to him. Oooppsss.
So after a while I get tired of the crowd in the front of the bus, so I go sit next to Tiny in the back of the bus and we talk and stuff. I flirt with Mr. Perfect, who's taken now, but the heck I saw him first (probably didn't.. So what? Fuck off!). Then, Mr. Perfect's quite handsome (and not far from perfect himself) friend sits with Tiny and I. We cram in the three of us into one bus stool, which kinda feels like an odd orgy. But we talked and laughed and it was great. I never knew him too well, I only knew him by his name and a little background, but never invested myself into getting to know him too well. Then I got a little car sick so I went back to sit in the front section of the bus, and, Tiny told me later, this new mister, Mr. Mystery, told her right after I got up that I'm cute, and how come we've never talked before, so Tiny said to him, you seriously missed out, and he said I can see I did. Later on the bus rides from one place to another in the city Mr. Mystery and I sat together alone, and talked and flirted and laughed, which was nice, and like a new door has opened up for me. A new door of opportunities. On a later bus ride after touring the entire city, and flirting with a bunch of guys from my grade, Big Guy asked me on the bus whether or not he'll see me in the party later on that night, and I said maybe very sheepishly, knowing that he looks at me every single party that he sees me in, and can't stop staring at me, and then he said "I hope you do".
That night we do end up going to that party, almost the entire group of our friends, but what's a party with a big group of girls without a bit of drama?! One of the girls gets there far too late and far too pissed of at all of her friends who've been trying to help her, and drinks just a teenie weenie too much. By the time we get to the party she isn't feeling well, and me and another friend are a little too late to get to check up on her so she points at my friend and says "I hate you", and the points to me "And you're pathetic so you can also leave", and I'm like.... Ppfffffttttt OH REALLY. My other friend takes it really hard cause A. she's drunk, and B. she cares too much about the stupid girl's opinion, but me? I don't I tell the rest of the girls to watch her and get her home, because I ain't no bitch, but I just get up and walk away after she says "so you can also leave", and I say "fine I will". I wasn't hurt by her because I know I'm not "pathetic", and if I ever were to be I would still be less pathetic than she was at that moment. You're drunk, about to throw up in front of your entire grade, looking like a hot mess, and I am the "pathetic" one? I think not. I just thought she had some nerve to say these things to us after we took care of her the entire night so that she could come to the party (we had to wait hours for her to show up, not knowing if she's even going to show up in the end, and rush to hop on the taxi, I literally had to run to catch the taxi), and after we come to check up her. She's got some nerve. I am not mad at her anymore I am not holding any grudges or anything, because I'm better than that, and I shouldn't act like a five year old, but I'm kind of done. I mean I'm not going to ignore her because I don't want no drama, but a friend who treats you like this on a regular basis, when she feels like it, and pushes you around, does not deserve me as a friend, and I do not deserve being put down.
Later on though, things get better, cause I talk to Mr. Mystery, and flirt a little more with him and with Big Guy, which always puts you in a better mood when you're being complimented. Mr. Guy though, has been ignoring me for days already, and it got really weird when he said hi to the girl next to me at the party, and said nothing to me, and didn't even look at me. I don't feel the same way I did for him as I did before, but it's still quite offensive to have the son of a gun ignore me.
Days pass, and we're getting ready for summer camp so we meet up a lot. Yesterday we did a writing session for the senior songs CD that we bring out every year for summer camp, and it was hilarious. Just insane. I love them so much. Another goodbye, though.
Tonight I hosted a BBQ for my homeroom to say yet another goodbye,which is no fun whatsoever, and I am feeling horrible, so I didn't feel like hosting anything. I think I got a cold from sitting outside last night until very very late writing songs with the nut cases I call my friends. But I couldn't have asked for better people, and a better experience than I had had with my homeroom the past three years. These kids made me the happiest, the most comfortable and welcomed I have ever felt, and I am so grateful for that. And there's a huge rock weighing down my chest because... I just am going to miss them so much. And I hate goodbyes because I always cry (already managed to cry for about an hour today after the BBQ). I just sincerely love these people like brothers and sisters, and I feel like not seeing them everyday is... heart breaking.
This is summing up what's happened up until now. What's about to happen is some crazy shit. It's gonna be all shades of nuts. Tomorrow early in the morning I have an interview for a job I might get in about a year. It's an interesting job, but I don't know much about it yet. Later on tomorrow a family that hosted me a part of my two years abroad is coming to visit me, which is sweet, but I haven't really managed to keep in touch with them over the years, so hopefully it won't be terribly awkward. Later this week will be my very final exam of my high school experience on Thursday, and on Friday we go on 8 days of summer camp. This is when I start living out of bags for the next month or so. The very next day I go to a little seminar with the people that will be attending college with me next year, which has to be interesting, but I'm resenting it for some reason. Possibly cause I'm scare, possibly cause I've had an amazing time the past three years, and don't really feel like starting something new when I'm not yet near done with high school. But that meeting is in the city so I have to drive in after not sleeping well for around 8 days if not more.
The very next day I have to be in the city again, because I'm flying out to Greece with a bunch of my best friends. We're staying there 5 days for a fun beach holiday, and then we get back. The very very next day I have to be back in the city though, because I'm flying out to my momma who's moving to Norway for half a year for her job. So I won't see her for half a year after the two week I'll spend there, which is bound to be hard as hell. I'll try my best to write in the next two months, but I doubt I'll be able to write much, because I will be living out of a suitcase. Not complaining, though. I'm going to have the time of my life. I am excited about this time. It has some je ne sais quoi about it. Some mystery. Some magic.
So my favorites the past two months have been:
1) 2 Broke Girls. Best comedy ever. I'm not even kidding you guys. This is my exact humor- sexual, dirty, sarcastic, but not vulgar! Hilarious hilarious hilarious story about a rich New York elite girl who loses all her money and meets up with another broke girl who's always had to work hard and fend for herself, and together they try rising up. Just freaking crazy and amazing. Can't wait for next season.... CANNOT!

2) Happy Endings. Sweet little comedy I started watching when I finished 2 Broke Girls. Not nearly as funny in my opinion, but still very lovable, and I am so sad they have canceled it. Hope they go all Cougar Town with it, and film it in a cheaper setting to close it up nicely.

3) Baby Daddy. Season 2 is just... 20 times better than the first. I just freaking love Danny (Derek Theler) so much. He's such an adorable character, which is funny because I tuned in in the first place to watch Jean Luc Bilodeau, but I just like Derek SO FREAKING MUCH. I follow after them all on Instagram, and they are just so cute.

4) LOL. Cutest movie I've seen in a long time. The guy interest in the movie is just the perfect personality for a men in my opinion. Confident, and caring, and honest, a good friend, a musician. That's what made this movie so lovable for me. Love her new song, too, and even though the music video is crazy and a little over over the top, I appreciate the creativity put into it.

5) Nashville. Watched that show in like 2 days because I loved Gunnar. Again, he just possesses most of the qualities I see in the perfect man.. He's just adorable. Loved the music in it, which has majorly affected my playlist with songs like I will fall, If I Didn't Know Better, and so forth. Love country music even more so now than I did then. I also love Maisy and Lennon, and think they are absolutely amazing and crazy talented, and hope to see more of them, because they are just.. Mind blowing.

6) Stubborn Love by The Lumineers. This song has amazing lyrics, and I just love the video for some reason they touched my heart very deep. I just fell in love with it very very quickly.
7) Tip Of My Tongue by The Civil Wars. Such a seductive song, but so genuine and true, and loving. I just adore it.

8) Pretties. Not yet done with it but so freaking close. I just love this series so much. They make it sound so real, and it sounds so realistic that people would think to make us all look the same and think the same.




I don't really have beauty favorites these past two months, because I have been very constant with products and all, but I promise to try out some new things. Love you, and probably should go to sleep if I want to wake up in time for my interview tomorrow. XOXO Roni J.

Up(to no)date

Hey pretty ladies, how are you today?

I'm doing well considering  the circumstances, which are basically a crap load of tests. And the endless tango of "loves me, loves me not" that's going on in my incompetent brain. Flower petal after the other I'm picking them out, and sometimes they end up saying there's nothing there, and sometimes they say there's something, but whatever the petals are saying, whatever the signs might be saying, I doubt them. Whatever the signs point to, immediately my gut feeling points in the other direction. 

Nothing dramatic has happened since the last post, really, which should be concerning, because nothing's going on in my life right now, and that's not great. Big Guy and Mr. Guy have been doing that same thing they always do- confusing me. 

We had a test in biology last week, and we are all taking A.P. bio, so we all ended up in the same place. Mr. Guy kept asking me the most random questions that had nothing to do with the test, or with life on earth really, which, after a while, kind of started sounding like he's seeking my attention. That was weird to me, considering he hasn't been seeking my attention, or seemingly been seeking my attention in a very long time. Big Guy on the other hand just treated me in a casual matter, being nice, wishing me luck, being sweet. The test was divided in two, so after the first part, I sat on the staircase in the hallway with a good friend just talking. So Big Guy comes around and starts asking me how the first part was, and I answered very sweetly and smiled at him, but was cut off midst sentence, because Mr. Guy peered in out of nowhere, and saw that my attention was on Big Guy, and started touching my face, because he's odd like that, and that's what he does when he's trying to get someone's attention. So then Big Guy sees that my attention was diverted onto Mr. Guy, and he starts messing up my hair, so I divert my attention onto him, and then Mr. Guy sees that my attention is shifted to Big Guy and Mr. Guy says something that I didn't necessarily hear, but was supposed to refer to me to perhaps get my attention back, and Big Guy then started touching my face like Mr. Guy does usually, and I mean it was all so weird that by the time the teacher called us in for the next part, I was pushed up against the stairwell's wall, because they were all up in my grill. I was really weirded out by Big Guy's actions, because I used to think he's the rather normal guy, but then again I see that normal's not an option if the guy is good looking.
So then I had many tests and all sorts of things, so I was really looking to dance my stress away. And yet again, third party in a row that Big Guy's been looking at me all the time. Or at least I imagine him looking at me all the time, and I have no idea whether I'm imagining or not, and whether he's looking at me because he likes me, or because I look ridiculous. Quite honestly I could care less, if he thinks I'm ridiculous when I dance, because I am one good catch with a boat load of crazy moves.
One of his friends, though, that showed up in the past parties, as well, is a smoked little salmon swimming in this pond, and all the other fish in the sea really look like clown fish next to this one. He is a good looking chap, and Tiny said that this little fella is actually Tony's best friend, and in her opinion, the best guy he hangs around, because he's serious, hardworking and nice. I doubt I am ever going to have anything with him, because, hey, I can barely get them damn clown fish circling around me, so how will I have him doing it?
It seemed, if I am honest, that the two talked about me a little, because they were whispering, and then looking at me. Or maybe, as usual, I was just imagining, because there's a difference between what's going on around me, and what I think is actually going on around me.
Funny thing happened in the club. They have screens with videos and photos and stuff, going while the music's playing, but then... A clown picture, the scariest clown ever, and it doesn't take much of a clown to scare the crap out of me, appeared on the screen, and I almost started crying... Worst minute of my life.
My sister adopted a cute little puppy to her new apartment, and he's seriously the cutest freaking thing in the world. He's... Precious. I fell in love with him the first second I saw the little guy. I have a new family member, which I am absolutely in love with.
Two days ago, in some weird series of events, we planned a BBQ for a bunch of friends, and I said that I can host it in our garden. Mr. Guy was invited, because he's in that group. I was waiting in my room for a friend, who said she was going to be there early, writing to another friend on Facebook. Since that friend I was writing to lives in a whole different country I write her very long letters. I was in the middle of writing her, and Mr. Guy shows up 40 minutes earlier than was supposed to. I got really nervous about keeping him busy for 40 minutes without getting busy with him, so I asked him if it was ok that I finish up writing to my friend, and he said sure. So we were sitting on my bed in my room, me typing on the laptop, all the while we're keeping an extremely awkward conversation. Then I finish writing but we stay in my room, and he asks me about a girl we both know and says that he knows many people that hate her, and I said "oh, I don't hate her. She's sweet". Then he turns to me, looks me in the eyes, puts his hand on my thigh, and says "you never hate anybody. You're too sweet." To this I basically replied with me running away, saying something along the lines of "I should probably put the Coke in the fridge.." Then we sat outside waiting for the rest to show up, and he picked up my guitar, and started playing. Then he stopped and said "you look really nice today", mind you he said this meanwhile playing the guitar on a moonlit porch.... Then he stopped playing, and asked me "hey, Roni, what's you're favorite song? I feel like impressing you." Dudeeeeee! What now?! So I told him "Candy by Paolo Nutini", and he has to look it up on his cell, and then he needs a capo, but I say I don't feel like going inside to fetch him one, so I say I'll just hold my finger in place for him, and then we just sit there... Playing together... A love song...
And then my friend finally shows up just half an hour too late... Have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Have a fabulous day <3 XOXO Roni J.

Looking For You Again

Hello girls,
how are you? I hope you're doing well.
There was a big party this week. It took place in a club I usually avoid, because in the two previous times I had visited it, my friends got really drunk, and I basically had to be their babysitter the entire night, which is anything but fun, especially when you don't get paid for it, and moreover when you pay quite a large amount of money to get in.
So this time my friends took it down a notch. Most of them didn't drink at all, and those who did, really took care of themselves. I've heard it once that you should drink to be happier, and not to be happy, and I completely agree with it. Because when you drink in order to boost your self esteem, you drink to be a slut, and drink to be happy, the only thing that happens is that you lose all control over the amount of alcohol you pour into your mouth, and end up with all the flaws that you've been trying to hide by drinking, out like all of your dirty laundry. Anyways this isn't a post about my opinions of drinking and alcohol, so I'll go on.
The thing is that when my friends don't drink I find myself having way more fun instead of worrying about them all the time. My dad even noticed it. When he asked me how the party was the next day, and I answered I had a lot of fun, he immediately said "this can mean either one of two things. Either you got drunk, or nobody else got drunk". What can I say? My dad just knows me far too well.
The club we went to is a huge building, and when you walk in there's a room downstairs playing house music, and when you go upstairs it's mostly hip hop and rap music, which our groups of friends prefers in general. So we went upstairs.
My good good friend that we'll call Tiny met up with her boyfriend, whom we'll name Tony, and we didn't want to lose her in the huge club so our group stayed quite close to Tony's group of friends. Big Guy, if you remember him from the past, is in Tony's group of friends, so while dancing we were always close to him.
Me, when I dance, I really don't give much of a crap who sees me, and what they might think of me, and I just let loose, which is part of why I don't need to drink. I just go nuts naturally. And that night especially I decided I'm going to act drunk and high naturally, just really be happy and cheerful, and give off good vibes. And so we were dancing and stuff, and for a moment I thought I saw Big Guy's big blue eyes looking at me, but I wasn't sure if it was because I really saw him looking or because I wanted him to look, which I did, because he is one fine man. And this happened a couple of times throughout the night, but I really wasn't sure about any of it at all. Anyways we'll get back to that in the end.
Either way, I kept looking for Mr. Guy all the time. In clubs it's the worst, because I always feel the need to have him see me looking great. That night, let me tell you, I was looking especially dashing. I just kept looking. As if the moment that he sees me will be the moment when he falls in love with me like I was some Disney princess or some shit.
When I was already certain that Mr. Guy hadn't shown up for the party we went downstairs to the entrance area outside to breathe some air, because it was freaking flaming inside. So we walk outside me, and two other friends, and they spot Mr. Guy, and because they are much closer to him than I am ever going to be, they walk up to him and say "hi", and at first he pays me no attention at all mostly because he's too drunk and I'm standing behind them, using them as a human shield from him. And then he realizes I'm there and say "hi Roni!" very excitedly for some reason, and then gets really close to me, and I look up at him big eyed not really knowing what to say, and he's reallllly close by then, almost too close. And I just stare at him starstruck or something, because I am looking into his big blue eyes not really knowing what to do. As you might have been able to guess, I am weak when it comes to big blue eyes. And then he asks me "Roni, did you drink?" with a mockingly surprised voice, and I say "no, no I didn't", and he says "I think you did". Apparently, I act the part very well without even drinking. So we turn around to leave, and we stop for some reason for a second, and then he places his hand on my lower back, and I just push him off really pissed off like, seriously? No.
So we go back upstairs and I dance a little more feeling like I might have Big Guy's eyes on me, and I let the tension wear off. We then think about leaving, because it's already really late, and we go downstairs to check it out, me and two different friends to the ones from before, and we dance together, and this tall guy who's not especially attractive tries hitting on me, but I kind of reject him gently. And then Mr. Guy arrives, and starts dancing with us. And I'm thinking to myself  ugh no.. And I take the guy who's hitting on me and I start dancing with him trying to push Mr. Guy away from us. He sees us dancing and goes off to dance somewhere else. Then the tall guy that I'm dancing with tries to kiss me, and I just push him back, later encountering with Mr. Guy's eyes, seeing him smile at the fact I pushed the other guy off, and I'm a little pissed, but I decide I just want to dance a little more, and go back home, and think of all the good things rather than focus on stupid Mr. Guy.
We drive back, and I go to sleep at Tiny's house, and when we're going downstairs to her house I ask her, kind of jokingly not expecting anything "hey did you notice that Big Guy was looking at me", and she says "I'm not the only one that has. Even Tony has noticed it". You might not realize how much this means coming from Tony, but I find him to be the most honest guy I know, so him saying this means that he actually noticed something. I then ask her "what do you mean by 'even Tony has..?'", and she says "when Tony and I were sitting for a while, talking, he said 'is there anything going on between Big Guy and Roni?', and I said 'no why?', and Tony said he's seen you guys exchanging looks the entire night", and I was shocked, and weirdly really happy.
I mean, it might mean nothing about me and Big Guy, because I don't know if it was a once in a life time kind of look, and I think that if he had really really wanted me he would have made a move then and there, but then again, after all the bad self esteem, and all the sadness I've been feeling because of Mr. Guy, I just think that boost of confidence is more than enough.
Yesterday, in a completely different situation, Mr. Guy offered me a ride, and I thought about it, and I thought this will only get me back to thinking about him, and I really shouldn't go back there, so I just refused it gently.
I hope this was mildly an interesting update. Love you all, XOXO Roni J.

The Sandbox

Once upon a time, like a week ago, a new sandbox was placed in the playground. It's MY playground, and the rules state so. But an oh-so-familiar intruder decided to walk into my playground that one night, and tread all over my rules. He sat in the sandbox, and started playing as if it's his playground. I said fine I guess this intruder's lonely, I'll just play with him, because no one likes to play alone in the sand box. Turns out little intruder over there didn't really want any company, and he started playing dirty. This is when I decided I will grab him by the ear and kick him off my playground. My ground. My rules. Rather play alone than have my mouth stuffed with sand.
Once upon a time, like a week ago, I got tired of seeing Mr. Guy's face on my Facebook chat, and I pulled a second grader trick deleting him off of my friends list. Shamefully, he decided it's OK to ask my permission to be my Facebook friend, yet again. I decided to add him anyways because otherwise he might ask questions about it, and maybe find out the truth, where as the last thing I wanted to happen through deleting him was him discovering that I like him. So I added Mr. Guy to my playground, ehhh I mean Facebook, yet again.
He then started asking how come we weren't friends and I just said "oh, weird, how did that happen?". Yeah right. How DID it happen?! Gee, I don't know. And then the thing I wanted least right after him discovering what not happened- it started a flirty chat. Crap. He literally, in the chat, obviously, said that he wants me, that I am the most beautiful girl, that he loves me. And me remaining the second grader naive tuba face I am, I fell for it, yet again, surprise surprise.
The next day he kept playing, and toying with me, and playfully teasing me, touching me, hugging me. I realized he was playing, but little tuba face here ignored the crap out of the facts, 'cause she wanted this to be true. Second-grader-fairytale-ending come true. Not cool, Roni, not cool.
And then comes the next day, yesterday, and we do a little barbeque evening with our some people in our grade, and he ignores me like fudge. Like rotten, ugly, tuba face, fudge being ignored.

Yeah, I thought I was gonna play with you in the same sandbox, but seeing as all it did was replace my saliva with grains of sand, I would rather kick you off. You want to play dirty, mister? Go ahead, but not on this playground.
"If you're playing me, keep it on the low, 'cause my playground won't take it anymore".
So screw you, Mr. Guy. You've had a whole lot more than enough chances to intrude this playground peacefully, but if you aren't willing to play by the rules, and you wanna play dirty, play with yourself. You'll need your right hand's help when you are left old and alone.

XOXO Roni J.

Life Is Not ALWAYS Black And White (Trend Alert #4)

Life isn't always black and white. There are shades of gray, 50 to be exact. No, I'm just kidding, but it takes a lot of time to separate and notice those shades of gray. We kind of love that definite answer; black and white, "yes" and "no", up and down, when in reality you can be up, but hanging upside down. Does that mean you're up or down?
The past two days I was depressed. I was angry because I wasn't getting a definite answer from the universe. What I didn't realize was that "yes" and "no" are beautiful wonderful answers, but they can't answer "why?", and they never will be able to. Instead of asking "is it...?", and "does he....?", I kept asking questions like "Why do I..?" "Why does he not..?". Truth is that if I had wanted to get a definite answer, I wouldn't have asked those confusing question. I would have found better questions, definite questions that can be answered with either a "yes" or a "no".
I just didn't want a definite answer. I wanted a "maybe", an "I don't know", and the forever loved "it might take some time". I wasn't honest with myself, because I wanted the dishonest answer. I wanted to think there's a chance we'll ever end up together. I wanted to think I'm his only one. I wanted to think he is  different to what he is in reality. But things don't work out that way.
I realized I need to change the way I think about it. It has dawned on me that I have.. Real strong feelings for him. I refused to say that I am in love with him, because that's weakness in my eyes. But then a good good childhood friend of mine came to me with an honest answer. She said a definite answer to an indefinite question, because she knew it would hurt more to keep being delusional, than to actually know the answer. She told me I will keep feeling stuff for him until the end of the year, when we will both part ways practically forever. I will go to one college and he will go to another, and... That's how it's going to be.
And then it dawned upon me. On one hand, I want him out of my life so that I can move on, but on the other hand I almost tear up at the thought of us parting ways forever, and I would rather watch him make out with thirty more girls than to never have him in my life again, even if it means I'll never actually have a hold on him. They say you know you love a person when you can't imagine your life without them... Well, I can, I really can, but every body part of mine doesn't want to accept it.
So life is both black and white, I want him as far away from me as possible so that I can forget him, but I also want him as close to me as possible, so that I will never have to say goodbye. It's not really that life is gray, it's just that the black and white live together like a checkered board.
"Does he love me?", "yes, he does". "Does he love others?", "yes, very much". "Does he care for me?", "yes, yes he does". "Does he care for others?" "yes, he does, with all his heart". "Will he ever want to hurt me?", "oh God no". "Did he ever?", "hell yea".
So I think I better define this indefinite story. I love him. I probably will always have some kind of feeling for him. I don't ever want to tell him, but I hope that I will someday, because it's weighing down my chest when I walk past him, and when he looks me in the eyes with his beautiful blue eyes, and the most when he touches me. I don't think we'll ever be together, and it hurts in every bone in my body. I never want to say goodbye, but I know that I will have to soon. I will have to love him from afar, because I have a feeling that other wise I might jump him, or burst. And it will go away, even if that's the last thing I want. I will not prevent myself from living on the life I am supposed to have. I will go to all the parties that I want to go to in spite of the fact that he'll surely be there, and be there with another girl, at that. Because I need that pain, and I need to have it go away, and it will in the end.
This spring, much like life, is all about the combination of black and white, and making them work together side by side. Although the look is amazingly classy and clean, it can be a bit boring. So here are some items that will help you create an interesting monochromatic look:

1. The easiest way to make an interesting black and white outfit is by wearing a dress. It's a no fuss kind of outfit. It's summery, breezy, and easy. This dress from Freepeople.com is a perfect combination of black and white. The black lace gives off a sexy feel, and the soft lace detailing at the bottom and the cut at the bottom make it super feminine and soft. It can be dressed up with heels and a clutch for a cocktail party, or dress it down with a chambray top and even low top converse for a casual day.

2. Another easy way is to incorporate different textures into the outfit to make it a little more interesting. A good example is leather (faux leather) shorts into the outfit. They give a little edge and a different texture like these from Urbanoutfitters.com. Another option for texture is a light weight cable knit sweater like this one from Topshop.com
that has amazing knitted detailing.

3. Third way to do this in a more interesting way is studding or embellishments. Things like these shorts from Pullandbear.com that are embroidered beautifully, and are light and breezy and comfortable for even the sweatiest of days, because they don't stick. Another pair of interesting shorts is this one from Hm.com. It's not just a regular studded pair of shorts. There are different kinds of studs on it and even skull studs, but subtle ones so that it's not too dark.

4. Last way to incorporate it through clothes is by wearing distinguishable patterns. A lovely trend is crazy pants. I found a pair in Zara.com that I absolutely love, the print is so beautiful and different. I really like the way it looks from afar and from close up. Another cool pattern is the window pane pattern that was all over runways and is perfect, and is displayed through this blazer from Forever21.com . Not only do I love the pattern, but it an easy thing to style up or down. It's great for chilly spring days.


Hope you all have a great fantastic day, and that just like yin and yang you find a way to balance out your blacks and you whites. XOXO Roni J.

Drunk

Hello,
How are you? Me? Not too glamorous. Wondering why? It's quite an interesting story, if I may be completely unbiased.
The musical I had been working on the past month or two, played for the first and last time yesterday. It went fairly smoothly (even though I made a couple of mistakes on stage, but screw this, I ain't no professional), and the rehearsals beforehand were all a lot of fun, although nerve wrecking and tiring as heck. It was very rewarding being on stage and finally completing the whole thing from start to finish with a crowd dotted with people who care about you, and came to see you watching.
In the final song I started crying, because that's what I always do, and as I walk off stage Mr Guy shows up out of nowhere, and sees me crying, and he looks at me, and for a minute I think I might see some love in his eyes, but that's my dilusional self. He comes and hugs me for a quiet minute. There's so much noise in the background, so many people trying to get out of the big auditorium, but all I can hear is my stupid sobs on his freaking shoulder, and that's all I care about.
The after party, on the other hand, went down........Less than OK, at least on my behalf. I had such high expectations, wanting it to be a special, fun night, when I might even get to become brave and step out of my shell, but then again, the higher the hopes, the harder they fall, and these hopes, my sweet friend, came crashing down. Crashing down like a pilot flying a plane with flaming engines. So we walk in, and I'm having a good time. I am dancing, feeling hot because a lot of people complimented me on my looks yesterday, and mostly because I was looking good. I am looking for Mr. Guy, because, hey, obviously in order to have fun I need him around. Pffft, yea, of course, because that has proven itself right in the past. NOT. And I see the mother chucking bastard kissing another girl. Now, I am angry. I am angry not because he is to blame. God no. This guy has done nothing wrong to me in his life. I am the stupid one that knew this was going to happen in the after party and not my stupid hopes that he will be with me, and that we'll drive off into the sunset together, as if this were a freaking fairytale. I knew it was about to happen and I still hoped and wished and wanted him to pick me up and fly me to the moon. Idiot. And my heart cracked a little, but then he comes up to me like two minutes or so after I see him sucking face with that other girl, Miss Sunshine, if you remember what I'm talking about. He comes to me and puts one hand on my waist and the other cups my cheek, and he whispers to me "You look good. I love you", and kisses me on the cheek. Obviously he was a bit drunk, much like many more people in that after party. So you remember how I said he hasn't done anything bad to me his entire life? Yea let's rephrase that. He has never in his life done anything to intentionally hurt me. But then again when he says something like this to me right after I saw him kissing another girl.... What am I supposed to feel?
Am I supposed to feel sad? Scared? Crushed? Like my lungs are burning, because I am losing that glimpse of hope that I was still holding onto, wanting him to want me back so bad that I was willing to give parts of myself up?
Being the stupid, idiotic masochist that I am, I see them walking out of the club together, and I am so curious that I go out right behind them. When I reach the other side of the door I realize no parts of myself are ready to be handed over yet. I am not selfish enough. What I saw on the other side of the door was about half of the 120 something people that were supposed to be inside the club, outside, either drunk to almost death, or helping others through them being this drunk. One of these was a really good friend of mine, one of my best. I wasn't there when she drank, but I should have been, and I still blame myself for letting her, and another friend drink when I wasn't there, because I should have kept them safe. That's my job as a friend. Instead, they both almost lost consciousness. I took care of that friend and another friend that was right next to her, supposedly fine, that was crying hysterically telling me the only reason she's crying is because she's freaking out, but I'm telling you straight up, this girl was in over her head as well. Her head was spinning as well, and she was crying so hard in a way that, I swear, no one in their right, sober mind would ever cry. She bawled her eyes out uncontrollably. And I mean I, myself, was pretty stressed out, heck I was about to pee my pants, but I kept it together through adrenaline rush, because I knew they needed me. If she really was as sober as she claimed to be she would be full of adrenaline and not acting like a stupid idiot interrupting me while I try and help the other girl.
Truth is I did drink a little in the beginning of that evening. I am so very sorry I did. I made drinking legitimate and OK, when in reality it is everything besides that. To be honest I didn't even get the slightest bit drunk, and was faking my drunk behavior in the beginning just to get people off my back so that they stop trying to tell me to drink. I did. That's where it ends. I know I was sober because I didn't feel even the slightest bit dizzy, and when I saw my friends outside.. I sobered up instantly. So whatever did hit me, and made me feel like I was drunk or whatever, cleared up, and I was ready and geared for anything that people could have thrown at me.
In the end we decided to call her mother because it was above my abilities to help her and try and help the rest of my drunk friend, which I can honestly say was something I never thought I'd see to this degree. Today she woke up fine, but I still felt a pang of guilt in me.
When trying to help another friend that got back together with her freshly broken up two weeks ago ex, the one that she's been on and off with for 2 years already, it humiliated me how sick my friend sounds. It's the same one that thought she had cancer, thanks God she doesn't, but I mean a different kind of sick. For starters she got crazy drunk, blind- I am not going to remember any of this at all- kind of drunk. She got back together with her ex after saying how much of a douche he is (I, personally love him and he's one of my best guy friends), and how weak and spineless he has become. Then she starts crying when her mom arrives to take her home, as well, because she's throwing up and having a hard staying awake, and she starts saying things like "never leave me", "why did you leave me? Is it because I am fat and ugly?", and stuff like that when he literally has to pull himself away from her tight grip saying "why do I deserve to feel like this on what is supposed to be one of the biggest nights of my senior year?" And he is fully right, but she is sick. I think it's becoming an eating disorder, and she's known to be harmful to herself in sorts of things like that, but I thought it had stopped around 9th grade, when I barely knew her. Apparently I still barely know her, because she hasn't changed a bit.
After all this and trying to take care of tons of others, as well, I sat down and a guy from my grade that I am not too close with, but we do share a close group of friends, joined me We'll call him Sir Boy. Sir Boy and I talked and all, and it seemed to me like he might have been flirting, but I might have been a little too tired, and too upset by then to even notice. Then he offered we walk to the beach, and I mean, I think he might have intended the two of us alone, but me being the stress case I am I offered some other people that got tired of the drama to join us, very innocently, not sure if that is what he meant or not. The club's literally on the beach so we went in just to our calves, and froze our ovules and sperms off. It then started raining. We walk under the roof of where the club was, and wait for the buss that's supposed to take us home, and then we see Big Guy walking to walk of shame with another girl from my grade... Why am I always attracted to players?
It ended alright I guess, and I had a lot of fun with one of my guy friends that I used to really love until the beginning of this school year. I don't if you remember, but anyways he is one of my favorite people. Secretly I will always love him, because he just always knows how to make me feel better.
I hope you guys take care of yourselves. Don't test your limits too much, because hurting yourself badly, and humiliating yourself to that extant in the name of getting high or whatever is simply not worth all the pain and suffer that you cause yourself.
I am starting to write my next post- Interviews With Mr. Charming, this is a sarcastic question and answer post about my stupid ideas of what love is..
I love you very much, be safe, and love one another, XOXO Roni J.