I'm Scared

Ugh.
Sorry, let's rewind and explain.
There's a certain frustration in fear. That thwarting feeling kicks in especially when you're missing out on stuff you might want. The apprehension has a way of holding you back from things you know could be good for you, and even life changing, and you just scream on the inside, trying to fight it, but it doesn't go away. You're wanting to take that leap, dive in, but some invisible iron chords are tugging and pulling you, preventing you from getting where you want to get, or being who you want to be.
These past two weeks Mr. Danger had a summer break, and he was home the entire time. We just didn't meet up. No one made the move. Saturday was his last day home, and I tried a couple times to make plans with him, because we have to talk things over, no matter what decision we make, but these decisions never played out.
I was so ready to end it already. I mean if we have two whole weeks to see each other, and neither one of us makes the effort to make it happen, how will it turn to be when we're both in college, busy, and barely seeing each other once a week, if not less? I was thinking that it's just us dragging it, because we both care a lot about each other, but there is really no point in it. We're both in this gray unknown area we can't get out of, that's holding us back.
So around 7 pm on Saturday when I saw this wasn't going to happen I asked him if he's got time later on that night. It took him time to reply, and he said he does have time, but only later that night. I was OK with the late hour, because I have to be absolutely NOWHERE, but considering he had to drive back really early to college the next morning in order to get to class, it was fairly odd, but fine. Who cares? It's not going to take much time I just have to end it the way I planned it. Like I prepared myself; it's not working out; we're both scared; we can't work this out; that we were more like a couple before we kissed, before we started being uncomfortable, and timid around each other.
And then he asked me where I want to go, and I said I don't know, and he said fine I have an idea. I asked him where we're going, and he said it was a surprise, which made me feel like he does care, and made me scared to blow it up in his face, and say it's not working out.
He came to pick me up around midnight, and we greeted each other bashfully. *IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE* I've known Mr. Danger for years now, I know him well, and I know he would never do anything to cause me any harm (contrary to his nickname). I DO NOT suggest that any girl drives off into the night with a guy she's not absolutely a 100% familiar with, and 100% familiar with his intentions. That IS dangerous. Safety comes FIRST! We then drove off. We talked about random things in the car, and then we got to a place called the "End of the World". It's a dead end of a street overlooking the view of the whole city from the mountain top, and you can see all the way to the harbor, and the little glowing lights of boats. 
We sat down and gone on talking and rambling about our lives to each other. Everything we missed out on all this time that our talks have been vacant and shallow, and all this time we haven't seen each other or acted like complete strangers when we did. His family, my family, his friends, my friends, politics, college, changes; more and more words kept pouring out of our mouths. I started getting a feeling that I might not want to end it, that I really missed just talking to him, and that I could talk to him about the most ridiculous topics, but at the same time I could talk to him about the most serious of subjects. 
It started to feel like it had before we kissed. Maybe even the same as the night of the kiss, when we sat down on the sand at the beach after one too many beers, and talked for two hours about everything and nothing at the same time, and then he kissed me. Just like that, we sat there for around 3 hours talking about everything yet nothing, in the "End of the World", overlooking the ocean, nothing touching but our knees brushing up against each other ever so slightly. We both looked at my cellphone to find that it's 3 am, and that he's got to wake up super early. Reality check.
And all at once silence fell upon us. Not that we couldn't go on talking about stupid stuff for the rest of the night, but there was really no need. "Can we stop being shy assholes?" he then asked, and like waking up from a dream, reality kicked in and I rallied. Literally rallied, and assembled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, lowering my head. It took me by complete surprise, although it shouldn't have at all, and I started stuttering and stammering, muffling words under my breath. Thinking that I am the shyest person I know, and the biggest asshole.
It was half silent, and half awkward muffles coming out of both our mouths, until he pleaded "please, let me end this awkward moment", and coaxed my face, holding it in both hands, to look directly at his, really up close, eyes set directly on his, lips parallel to his. I just... lowered my head, and looked down.
Somehow I managed to make the most awkward of moments, even more awkward. "I can't believe this..." he muttered under his breath. I can't either, I thought to myself. I apologized. I said that's how I am when it comes to these things, and that this is the reason I warned him when we said we'd "try" this thing out, that's why I said he's about to suffer; I'm painfully shy. "You're not easy", he said and simpered dolefully. That's an understatement, I thought, and then said almost silently, "I'm formidable". Almost silently. He smiled at that. 
"Do you not want this?" he doubted himself aloud, and I couldn't help but feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I told him it doesn't have to do with him, thinking about an earlier failed relationship that I wrecked this year, because he tried to kiss me and I moved because I was scared. In both cases it wasn't lack of interest that pulled me away, but those same iron chords of fear and apprehension. "Am I that bad without the alcohol?" he wavered again, not understanding it's about me. "I am that bad without the alcohol", I replied. It pained me that I made him feel even more insecure about himself. As if he wasn't timid enough, I had to punch him in the gut and hurt his self esteem even more. I finally managed to form a clear coherent sentence, "If you're a shy asshole, I am twice, if not three times as big a shy asshole as you are. With alcohol it worked, because I wasn't as shy, nor was I as immense an asshole as I am usually". -"In two weeks' time, when I come back home, I'll take care of that". -"You don't have to take care of it", I said, "I need to". 
Not late after that we got up and he drove me home, because it was far too late for him. At least we communicated like humans, and it wasn't silent. But it seemed that I have agreed to make this agreement with him, this arrangement, that next time we see each other I will get wasted, and then I won't be this hard, I'll be easier. I know this is not what he meant in no way. As I've mentioned before he really is a good guy, and would never use me. If he would have wanted to use me, we were alone at night both times, and he could do it then, but he didn't. And no one would work this hard for a girl to get her to give it to him. But it made me feel like, for one thing, I can't control my fears, I can't face them and deal with them without the help of intoxicating substances, which is nothing I aspire to be. And it also makes this relationship ultra trashy, and that's not what I want it to become; not the relationship, and not myself.
I talked to my best guy friend the morning after, scared that I wrecked this relationship, just like the one before it, and that I pushed Mr. Danger way too far. My guy friend said that now that he understands that I'm THAT shy, he probably respects me more, and that he probably thinks that it's cute now that I finally wasn't a bitch about it, and that I talked openly about it. That he probably sees me as rare. By the way Mr. Danger took it, I mean, when he finally realized that it's not about him or even my feelings for him, but about my fear of intimacy, that seems to be true.
I don't know how I will handle the alcohol issue because I definitely don't want to be dependent on it to be able to do something as simple as kissing someone that I want to kiss, but I'm also afraid that I won't be able to and move away just the same as I did so many times in the past when guys tried to kiss me.I want to be able to face and conquer my fear. Just like when I conquered my fear of heights when I went rappelling earlier this year. I'll bite the bullet (not literally, because it's hard to kiss that way), and "just do it". I hope.
Love loads, XOXO Roni J.

Self- Centered

I don't know a person who is not selfish. I don't think they exist. I'm pretty sure that at some point, if they were ever walking this earth, they would seize to exist. I don't think people should be selfless. I don't think you can live a whole life giving everything you have to others, nor do I think it's right. Our worlds seem to turn on a spindle, to circle around a mandrel, made entirely of ourselves. And what other way could there be? We can only see, smell, feel, taste and hear what is happening to us.
I think you are always thinking about yourself. Even do onto others means, basically, think about yourself, but in someone else's shoes. When you're doing something for other people's sake there is always a hidden agenda. Whether it is that you want them to be happy because if they were sad-it would make you sad, or because giving to society gives you a sense of self worth, or accomplishment, or fulfillment, in the end it all goes back to you. And I absolutely do not mean to say that's wrong. These feelings make you a compassionate human. Being able to resonate with other people, to feel empathy towards others, make us a community. It makes us human. That's the reason humanitarians are called humanitarians, I would think.
The only thing you can aspire to be, rather than be selfless, rather than devote your whole to others not considering your situation and your position in the game, is less selfish. In the end, if you give your whole to others, you won't be able to give anymore, 'cause you'll be dead. You'll either donate all your organs to sick people, give all the food and money you have ever possessed to someone in need, or I don't even want to think what else. And the worst part is, that even in your death you will be frustrated, because you haven't helped enough people.
Today was the loneliest day I have had in a long time. I haven't felt so lonely since lower school- when I was bullied. I felt like I have lost all my friends back home, and needed to cut the cord and move away, and just stop being hurt by people. I don't know necessarily what made the world so terribly angry with me this past month (again, gullible for thinking any of this is about me), but every friend seemed to turn against me, and I was in a puddle of tears in my Mama's lap like a ten years old.
The short end of it is that I was angry, much like in the last post, at a friend, because she was so fucking self centered she couldn't see past her own nose. And I turned out to be a hypocrite, because my best  friend blamed me for the same exact offense. And I was hurt by Mr. Danger, because I felt like he lacks that same ability to see past his own nose, because every time we talk it's about him, and when it becomes about me finally, it comes from this weird judgmental place that I'm not ready for with my lack of ability to be confident in my skin.
In the end we were all our own little planets circling around in our own route, crashing into each other, causing a painful collision that hurt both parties, and exploded in our faces. All we had to do to avoid it was to look at a solar system model from our grammar school, to realize we're all surrounded by other little planets, much like our own, that each circle in different speed, different directions, and if we'd only clear a path for each other, and work in sync, we wouldn't hurt each other so much. And the most painful of all, for sure, was the bitter feeling of hypocrisy.
 So I apologized to the friend I was too selfish around, and she never responded, and I don't know what will become of us. And I am hoping that the second friend does the same and grows up, but I doubt she'll ever see past her hurt, and I won't allow myself to be hurt again, much of it like the reasons listed above. I can't  be a good friend to other people so long that I am solely devoting myself to a friendship that isn't mutual,   so.. I don't know what will become of us. And I asked Mr. Danger, if it's OK with him, that we'll talk face to face this week, while he's available, because no matter what happens from here on out, we can't keep hiding from each other. But I don't know what will become of us.
So in all of this uncertainty that I very much created for myself, I choose to create a small new certainty. I want to be a little less self- centered. I want to be a little kinder. If I would have been able to see past myself, a lot of this hurt would be spared. And although it's not in my hands right now, and it's their time to roll the ball which ever direction they choose, for the sake of future relationships, and especially for the sake of future friendships, because up until now they were the only things I had, and they mean so much to me, I choose to judge less, be present more, listen more, talk less, and appreciate what I have, be grateful for those who care, because they're rare and sparse. I want to show those choose themselves to be a little less self- centered everyday, that their efforts are appreciated, and noted.
Hope you're having a good weekend, and please be kind, and try to be just a smidge less selfish everyday.
XOXO Roni J.

Blue Eyes

Hello sweeties,
How are you? Are you doing well?
I hope you are! I really want to thank you all for getting me over a thousand views this year. It might not sound like a lot when other people get this number daily, but the fact that anybody might be remotely interested in hearing what I, a complete stranger, have to say, baffles me, intrigues me, and excites me. So thank you, even if it doesn't mean much to you, it means a lot to me.
I guess that besides writing fashion, beauty, and all sorts of other not very personal posts, this kind of became a journey. I can look back at posts from directly a year ago, and laugh at how pathetically naive, and how it hasn't even changed a bit, and of how I miss some things that I used to be, or some people I used to be close to.
Today I woke up feeling... Rather less confident about myself. I guess it's not that I woke up this way really. I went out for coffee with two of my friends. One of them is someone I used to be really close with up until this year, and for some reason I'm starting to feel like it's fading away.
I don't know what it is about her that's changing, or maybe I have my eyes opened wider, but she's becoming.. Someone I don't feel comfortable around, someone I don't feel safe sharing my secrets with, someone that I feel like is judging me to the bone.
We talked the parties that are going to take place this week, and there are many, and she kept saying "Roni has to drink to one of these parties to open up", and such things. I mean she might have good intensions wanting to help me open up to a guy maybe, or share my first kiss with someone, but it's starting to sound like it's bothering her that I have not been kissed at 18 more than it bothers me. She's talking about it like it's some sort of impediment, like I'm fucked up (sorry for the use of language), like I'm not ok, and my values are not ok, and they need to be changed in order for me to ever get a guy to look at me. I know this might sound like I'm over thinking the use of her words just a little too much, like I do about everything else in my life, but then again it's not the only thing she said.
She used to have a theory about me becoming a player after my first kiss, and now she's starting to say how she has a new theory about the rest of my life. Her new theory being that I will get tired of being scared of men, that I will unwillingly become lesbian. Not only is that the most ridiculous stupid thing to say, but that's actually really mean. She doesn't want me to break out of my shell anymore, she's just excepting the fact that I am going to live in this shell forever. She doesn't believe in me anymore, which is really not a... Best friend-y thing to do.
I might be wrong about this, and this might be some hidden jealousy for her situation speaking in my name, but I feel like ever since she got a boyfriend, about a year ago, she slowly starts feeling more and more like she has it better than me, like my way is wrong, and maybe even a little like she is superior to me. And that hurts. I don't want to feel like my friend, one of my best, lost faith in me. That beats the purpose of being a best friend.
Big Guy hasn't really contacted me since that phone call a few days ago, which made me realize how beautifully naive I was to think he wants me just because of what he said, probably jokingly, and that phone call that was possibly only so that he could ask a question about biology, and nothing more.
Mr. Guy on the other hand has been acting weird. You know how I said he paid me no attention the day I got the call from Big Guy? Like he intensionally ignored me the moment he found out that I know it was he who gave Big Guy my number. The days later he was acting completely different.
He kept bugging me, and touching me, and being playful, and pushing and tormenting.. Like some kind of courtship that I might be hallucinating. He kept teasing, and looking for attention, seems like especially physical.
Yesterday he saw me crying. There was a man who had lost his son, and in the background a song was playing, by a guy that died soon after writing the song saying how he can't stop thinking about his father saying "If something ever happens to you, I have no other reason to live", and I saw that man's pain, and his face contorted with tears. I saw his heart breaking in front of me and could do nothing about it. And when I see another person crying, especially this hard, and this heartbreakingly, I cry.
Mr. Guy was stunned. I don't tend to display many emotions around guys, especially if I have feelings for them, because it's some kind of defenses I put up, I guess. Many people say I remind them of Daria from the Nickelodeon show Daria. Not because I look like her, at all, but more so because I don't shine through like someone that gives a shit too often. He was shocked to see me cry, and I was bawling my eyes out for this man. He said "I didn't think you had it in you".
I don't know what's gotten into me again. How come all this makes me forget how much of a jerk he is some times. How come all of his mistakes disappear, and mean absolutely nothing when he looks at me with his blue eyes. I just melt looking into them.
I swear he's just a piece of cow poo, but then he looks me in the eyes with his mischievous smile, and I melt away forgetting how big of a bum he is. And he calls me queen bee and I look at him trying to look angry, like I don't like that he calls me that at all, but then I see his smile, and my frown is contorted into a smile.
Dear Mr. Guy, if only you knew what power your eyes have over me, that they made me start craving you all over again, even though you are such an unfitting match for me, I wonder what you'd do. Would you even care? Would that matter to you? Would you just try to use me like all the other girls you've been with or would you actually give a crap about me and my values, and respect them? Or maybe would you just be grossed out?
I wish I had an ability to read his thoughts only. I don't care what anybody else thinks about me, not really. Just him. To know. I don't think I would ever change who I am, even if I knew he wants me and the only thing separating between us is one small flaw I have, because even if I give a crap, I really do like the person that I am, and I work by my values, but maybe just a hint to know whether this is completely useless.

Thanks again for reading this nonsense, hope you come back for some more nonsense soon. XOXO Roni J. 


"'Cause, blue eyes, you're the secret I keep"

Fragile (May Favorites)

Hey girls (and boys. Do we have any boys here? If so, tell me, I feel like I would hate it if no one referred to me when I was reading a blog of theirs). How has this month passed? Was it any better than the last? Any worse (oh gosh I hope not).
So when I was about 13, I think, I went to a summer camp with a friend. It was a bible camp, even though that's not really my thing. I went there because she is my best friend (to this day), and it was a lot of fun, when I look back. The subject that year was fragile. How the world is so very fragile, how relationships are so very fragile, and how we need to take care of our surroundings, because we can never put together the pieces exactly the way they were before they cracked or shattered (depends on the case really). English is not my first language, so I didn't really know what the meaning was at first, but as time passed I came to know what this means.
The definition of fragile from dictionary.com is: easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail.

In other words, I guess, it means breakable.
I don't know if I told you this before, but my sister left about a week ago to live abroad for a few months. I don't think I really have to stress how hard it was to have her leave, and how much I miss her every day she's away, and how hard it is to hear she's going through something hard and not to be able to hug her and to be there for her.
Yesterday my mother talk to her on Skype before she came home and she texted me "Will be held back a little, on Skype with your sister. Boy crisis". My sister met a guy before she went abroad who lives there and they talked almost everyday on Skype, and when she visited a few months ago they were doing alright and all this time he seems interested. As well as since she got there about a week ago.
Yesterday, after spending an entire day with her, a day she felt was perfect, a day when he was, apparently, marking his territory in front of his friends, after all that, he decides he doesn't want her anymore, and he just told her it's not what he wants.
Understandable. The guy decides that's not what he wants. I actually appreciate the honesty, but he could have said it sooner, he could have made her understand that he's not interested rather than making her believe that he really wants something to happen between them, he could have not waited this long, he could have not marked territory or waited a whole day to say it. But he didn't.
My sister is much more breakable than I am. Part of it is the fact that I let no one in maybe, and I am very calculated rather than gut follower. I almost never break, surely not in front of the person responsible, and I'm able of holding it in and not letting at show through. It's my specialty really.
I can honestly say I had a thousand scenarios of what I should have done to the guy who broke my sister's heart like, to the point where every time she heard our voices (voices from home) she started weeping. I am so protective of my family, especially her since she is, as I've said, so fragile.
My heart breaks at the sight of any person with a broken heart. I cry like a little girl. I mean, while watching Kyle XY, there were quite a few heart broken moments and I cried in each and every one of them. While watching the Hunger Games, I cried when Gale saw Peeta and Katniss kiss even thought I like Peeta better, just because I knew his heart must have been breaking, and those are fictional characters, so seeing someone real going through heartbreak, and someone that I love as much as I love my sister, I simply broke down.
Good thing I talked to her over the phone last night, because my voice did crack a little, but I really didn't want her to see the tears. Just hearing her cry, her voice so aching, her wanting to come back home, it was so hard not to cry.
Over all I think today she's probably better. I hope so. I will move on to my favorites right about now.

*Favorite T.V. Show: Kyle X.Y. I have literally talked about this a thousand times it feels like, but this is genuinely THE best show I have seen in a REALLY REALLY long time. It is a complete fiction, kind of science fiction teen drama show. I love it. I'm still not able to see the last episode they shot before the show got canceled, because I seriously don't want it to end.




*Favorite Person: Jean-Luc Bilodeau. This is the guy that plays Kyle's adoptive brother in the show and I can seriously say that, besides his good looks, he can portray so much emotion, he's funny, and half of the times I cried about something in the show (I cry a lot at seeing other people's pain) it was because of him. I am happy to say that he's coming out with a show called Baby Daddy very very soon, so I'll be on the lookout for it :) (It's going to be on ABC Family for whomever is in the U.S. and would like to try it out). Hopefully it's good. Just don't kill me if it isn't.

*Favorite Mascara: Loreal's Telescopic in brown. I know I said last month that I love PUPA's mascara, and I do think it is a great mascara, but the wand is SO extremely thick and uncomfortable. I love the formula, but the wand kills it for me. So I got back to using Loreal's Telescopic, which is also more lengthening, I would think, than the PUPA one, which I want more of than I want a thickening one. The wand is absolutely tiny, which is perfect for the bottom lushes as well. I like it!




*Favorite Artist: Paolo Nutini. This guy will forever, I hope, be my favorite artist. His lyrics are amazing, his voice sends chill up and down my spine, he is amazing (I haven't said it before enough). I have discovered new songs of his and I just fell in love all over again.

Favorite Song: Wake Up by Arcade Fire covered by (surprise surprise) Paolo Nutini. Amazing cover. So heartfelt and.... I just love him obviously.
Have a great weekend!!! XOXO Roni J.!

The Ice Is Getting Thinner

Hello girls. How are you?
A few days ago I had a lot of questions popping up. Me and a guy friend of mine have been really... Rocky, might I say? I still have no idea if I can resolve it, if it can be resolved, and even if I want it resolved, but it has made me feel pretty woozy and down. I feel that in order to stay friends I have to give up my values and my freedom, and I don't like that. I've already said this a thousand times maybe, but I am a bird. If you tie up my wings, I won't be me, I won't be able to be truly happy. So I listened to this song that really represents what I feel. This song is "The Ice Is Getting Thinner" by Death Cab for Cutie. I've known this song for so long, but only now did I go back to listen to the lyrics, and it just made me cry. Out of quite obvious despair and annoyance with how things are and how I felt like a friendship I trusted a lot is falling apart and I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it while still being myself and doing what's right for me, I found myself sobbing. So I started typing, and this is what came out: "What do you do when a friendship falls apart? Something you trusted most is breaking like ice over a lake under the smallest of pressures as if it were glass slipping out of one's hand. The ice is getting thinner and thinner, and the things that seemed to keep this friendship from crashing down under harsher circumstances are slowly going away. The person you thought knew you best now barely understands the language that you're speaking. What DO you do when a friendship falls apart?"
I can't tell you that I care too much anymore, though. I realized that if I hadn't been honest with him the way I was, which is what started the fight, we would have anyways grown apart, because I'm not one to be willing to give up values of mine. They are called V-A-L-U-E-S for a reason. They are called it because they are valuable. They are worth far too much to be giving them up. Especially for a person who disrespects them and wouldn't give up any of his values for you. Mutuality is so important to me, and this case is not any different. In order for me to give up any of my values it's going to take a whole lot more than someone that I care about. It has to be someone that I care about and is worth caring about, and, as much as it pains me to say this, I'm just not sure he is.
I care about him a lot, I love him a lot, but I'm not willing to be his friend at the price of hurting other people and losing my freedom. Sometimes losing a friend is just the push that you needed in order to grow up and mature, or to find out what friendship means to you, or to find an answer to what IS friendship to you. I really have yet figured out what I want from him. Do I want to be his friend? Yes, but do I want him to listen to me and respect my words and values? All the more.
I'm such a Debbie Downer recently, you girls. I am so sincerely sorry for that, because I really don't mean to drag you down or make you feel like that. I am hoping things get better for me soon, so that I can write cheerful posts again.
Yet again here's an outfit of the day!
At first I styled it this way: This is a sweater from Zara, probably from like the nineties or something it's so old, that has always been really cropped on me because my figure is so tall that the width and length of shirts and pants usually doesn't match my figure. So I cropped it even more. The sweater is really light and colorful, so it's good for spring even if the print reminds you a lot of summer. I'm not sure if it's going to show up, but it has a shade of bright pink, green, red and gray.

For the first way I styled it was for school for something quick, so I didn't want to have too much skin showing. I tucked it into shorts from River Island in this aubergine-y shade, that have a nice flow to them to contrast the rather tighter silhouette of the sweater. In order to keep the cropped sweater from coming out while at school I put on a ribbon tied as a belt in a similar shade of gray to the one on the sweater. I do this a lot and it makes me feel like a little wrapped present.  
The second look I just let the sweater out and had it expose a little more skin. I also added one of my favorite necklaces. I think this style was more inspired by the character of Ivy on the show 90210. I love her style. I really do. 
This is it girls. Talk to you soon. XOXO Roni J.

Saying Goodbye

Hey girls,
don't get freaked out by the title this does not mean by any way that I'm ditching you, but I had  to talk to you about something that's been weighing me down.
I'm sure this probably happens to everybody and surely in a much worse way than it happened to me, but today I said a rough goodbye to someone. That someone is my dog. She lives with my aunt and uncle, so I won't see her again before they put her down tomorrow. She is a beautiful dog, smart, kind and innocent, and she is so human; more human than a lot of other people I know. We named her Joy when we first got her, and the truth is she really did bring us all joy.
Lately, though, she hasn't been feeling too good, she was weak and old, and she was diagnosed with a tumor. She is not as full of joy as she once were. She can barely get up or wiggle that cute little tail of hers. I knew I had to see her before she was put down, and hence I went over and sat down with her for a while, hugged her, tried to ease her pain as much as I could, but I realized I have no healing powers in my hands, and after an hour or so I left her.
I thought that saying goodbye to her would be better than what had happened to me the last time I lost someone that was close to my heart. She was my nanny when I was just a tiny little thing, and she had diabetes for a long time before she had passed, but I didn't want to see her hurting so bad I guess, and so I put off seeing her for a long time, and then she passed away, and I was so full of shame and regret that I still haven't gotten over the fact that I should have at least paid her the respect she deserved and come and visit her.
My rule to myself in life is to never do something that I know I will not be proud of, and when I do something that I'm not entirely proud
of, to not regret it and look on the bright side of doing it.    "You're gonna have to leave me now, I
This was the first time I actually really regretted                  know. I'll see you in the sky above, in
something that I've done, or rather haven't done,                  in the tall grass, in the ones I love.You're
and couldn't look past the guilt to the bright side of it.         gonna make me lonesome when you go"
When I went to see Joy, my nanny's funeral kept popping
into my head and I thought that this was the right thing to do, but it didn't hurt any less. I didn't feel guilty, but I saw her in her misery and all I could wish was that there truly is a heaven, and that she gets to be the first in line to go through the gates of it.
I'm sorry for the rather sad post. I just really had to share you know?
On a brighter note...

Here's an outfit of the day from a while back.
The polka dotted cropped top is vintage from my mother's closet. The black high waisted jeggings I think were from Urban Outfitters, but I was gifted them so I don't know. The necklace again is from Michal Negrin. If you want the link to her site, I posted it a while ago so look in previous posts. The earrings are from H&M last year, and the shoes I wore are my Aldo black sandals that have been in basically every post.
Take care! Roni J.

New Beginnings

Hello girls.
I know how it's not really the beginning of spring anymore, nor is it new year's for any religion that I know of, but I am going back to school in about two days, and I need something fresh to hold me through the exams and the stress. I cleaned things out with my guy friend G. with whom I had a fight yesterday. To be quite honest I was surprised that he was the first one to approach the other and ask to forget things, but he was for forgetting and not getting into it, which I guess is okay for getting to be exactly the way things were before, but it doesn't really solve any problem we had between us, which is exactly what I wanted to realize during the fight. He's just covering everything up so that on the surface it looks alright, but does it actually make things better? I think not. I'm just glad we're not falling apart, to be frank, because he IS really important to me, but I don't like leaving things undone.
Another thing I need a fresh start with is GUYS. I know we probably went about this thirty seven time, or at least the amount of blog posts I've posted up until now, but today I realized that I am still in love with a guy I fell in love with over 4 years ago, and that is plain ridicules. He was an amazing guy and I have no regrets for falling for him or anything, if anything, he's probably the best guy I have ever had feelings for, or at least was the best guy at the time. He lives very far away, in my old town, nothing happened between us, and in October I went there for the first time in two years. I knew this from the start that it will hurt, and I think a part of me wanted to go, because he is my first love, and I wanted to feel that pain again. The thing with me is that I never fully get over a guy. I fall in love with others. I don't think about him as much, but once in a while I get caught up with the memories of him. It's a good thing that I don't see him as much anymore, and that I will probably never see him again, because seeing him really hurt me and raised questions that I don't know how to answer. On the other hand, as I've said already, I hate leaving things undone, unfixed, unsolved. I need that closure, and I will never get it because there was never really something there.

This memory of him keeps running through my mind today and I really need to let it out somehow, because otherwise it might drive me insane, and the thing is that I really don't feel comfortable bothering my friends with telling them this, because I don't think they would understand, and I really don't want them to know, how much of a hopeless romantic I am. On the outside, in order to not get hurt I just build myself up to look bulletproof. The truth is that I've just been punctured pretty thoroughly with so many bullets that there's really not much more to hit and there for the bullets keep missing, if that makes any sense.
The memory I have of that boy, A., is us waiting out by the school to get picked up. Now, this was a private school so the entire grade knows each other, it's not massive. There was a little square where the parking lot is where there's a flagpole, benches, grass and stuff. I remember it being a really cold day, and it was us and a few more people waiting. I am not much of an expressive lover, again probably because of my defenses, so I wasn't much of a boy-hugger at the time, just like today I'm not much of a kisser, it just makes me feel a little awkward, and it was a really big deal for me at the time. I remember that although it was cold, I was wearing something pretty short. I remember it probably being on of the two happiest days of my life in the romance department, and you can see how dull and stupid they are. The simple feeling of being hugged from behind by this boy I think I'm in love with. I was so young I don't even know if I could have perceived how much I felt for him for being so far away from getting him. The two things I remember him saying during that whole situation is something along the lines of "you project warmth" and something along the lines of "my mother might see this and think the wrong things". How the flipping duck did this make me happy, how messed up and blind does a girl have to be to no even think of the words he's saying that are either as deep as the little pee ponds they have for toddlers as a pool, or completely and utterly insulting. I say a lot. Either it was plain stupidity or real love, but me being all full of ego, I'd rather think that I'm an intellectual.
I just need desperately to be rid of my feelings for him, because if it's the casual status update of his Facebook, the fact that his current girlfriend is one of my best friends, or the sincere fact that when I was there he didn't even bother with saying hello to me, or hugging me goodbye, because I will probably never see him again, for that matter, which stung like my lungs were punctured, it just all hurts far too much. There is an endless number of possibilities that are so near, and much more attainable, so why keep dishing on the past?
Onto the more fashion-beauty related part of the post. I recently got a gift from my mom for spring to be able to pick whatever I want at the drugstore for a certain amount of money, and I wanted to haul it.



The two items are by the same brand called Jadé from France I'm almost certain, which is rather inexpensive and really great quality, and therefore I am kind of surprised that it's not covered anywhere, and that I haven't heard of it from another beauty blogger or Youtuber, ever. These are not the first items I've purchased from this brand, and thus far I really love all their products, so check it out if you will. The first item is a lipstick shade in Marigold or 457 which is a beautiful bright coral-ly color for spring. It's kind of similar to my So Chaud lipstick from MAC, but it is more pink toned than the true tangerine color of So Chaud, and I absolutely love it.  The packaging is pretty dandy and expensive looking.

The second thing I got is a nail polish by them. It's shade's name is Award Blue and its number is 393, and it is just the most beautiful shade of electric cobalt blue with really fine shimmer on it. I love nail polishes like that for the summer because even if they're not the brightest or most summery shades I love it when they glitter in the sun. It's just so beautiful. These are the pictures of it in the bottle, and swatched on my nails. I couldn't find ANY information about the brand online, which seems extremely odd to me so I'll do some more research for you, and come back with options of where you can buy it in popular drugstores, and maybe where you can hear some more about it. Love you Fashionistas! Goodnight, XOXO, Roni J.

Spring Cleaning

Hey girlies,
so so  sorry I haven't put up a post these past few days, but I felt a little... Down I guess, and just needed a little downtime quietly for myself. Anyways I have absolutely no idea why I was feeling down, I mean I actually felt relieved, and it's not that time of month if you know what I mean ;)
Has it ever happened to you that you had absolutely no reason to be down, and period bitchy like without having any reason.
It might have actually been the relief from the past weeks that have been a little eventful with all sorts of fears and stress and hard work with school and a broken heart I was trying to mend, that the one day I came early from school and didn't have as much weight on, I decided to just let it all out.
In order to let it out I just set in front of the new episode of One Tree Hill, and cried my inner guts out even in the happy moments. I got my insides washed with a good cry, and then headed straight to the shower to wash my outer me. It's like a spring cleaning kinda ritual.
I think that since I have break soon from school, that I better start the spring cleaning of my closet, of my room, of my school work in order to get ready for the big finals coming up soon.
Any tips on spring cleaning? If you have any, please leave them below so that not only can I get a little bit of spring cleaning done, but also the rest of the girls reading this blog, hopefully by now there are a few.


OOTD, don't let it fool you, it's not from today I just hadn't the time and will power to get on the computer in order to upload.
Orange sweater is from United Colors of Benetton, and it is one of my favorites, especially these days when I'm trying to make myself feel a little more bright and happy.
Jeans are my acid washed jeans from Topshop that I love with all my heart. For some odd reason in the past two years I've been reaching light washed and acid washed jeans a whole lot more than dark washed jeans.

Jewellery is the regular bracelet and rings, but with the addition of a wooden necklace shaped like a banana from a local designer and a cuff made by the same girl that has two golden lines that have engraved snake skin shapes into it (being up with the snake skin trend without hurting any snakes) with a golden leopard on it (without hurting any leopards).
The earrings are just hoops that have a bunch of smaller hoops going through them looking kinda pirate-y, arrg. I love them for being so simple yet unique.
Shoes are the sneakers they sell at Urban Outfitters for the cheapest prices that I have two pairs of with a different print. This pair has an Aztec-y colorful with pastels print, and they are so comfortable it's unbelievable.
Hope you guys enjoyed this post and the many more that I plan on putting up tomorrow hopefully! Have a wonderful weekend, and let's clean out everything so that we can start this spring the right way. For questions and just a little chit chat write me a comment. I swear I won't bite.

I've really been into the cheesy-feel-good-love songs lately in order to make me, well, feel good and loved :D. This is a song by the amazingly talented (and extremely good looking) Teddy Geiger. Hope you like!

Do What Feels Good

Hello hello there!
How have you been doing? 




I have been doing great actually. Yesterday morning I woke up after sleeping over at a friend's house, and she turned on the radio, and a song that I haven't heard in so so long came up. The song is called I'm Walking Away by Craig David. I don't know how, but so many times people I've found that other people know how to describe the way I feel so much better than I can. So there comes Craig David, singing on the radio, and shamelessly describing how I feel, and better than I have managed to describe myself for the past week. 
Finally I'm starting to move on from Mr. Man right there that's been making me feel so bad about myself, from other people that all they add to my life is drama and madness, and also trying to make myself a better person, doing some good to others can really make a person feel better, and also as Craig David said walking away from trouble. Finally, after endless days of making myself feel lousy out of choice I have decided to make myself love myself first, before loving anybody else. "I'm walking away from the trouble in my life, I'm walking away to find a better day", and to tell you the honest most sincere truth, the days have already gotten better and brighter, and I'm much happier, much more satisfied about myself. 
I would recommend this to any of you that have been feeling gloomy. Make yourself love yourself in any way possible, from the inside out, and not from the outside in. The way you look is so very temporal, so changeable, trends come and go, hair comes and goes, but the who you are, at least should be, almost permanent. Obviously if there's something about your inner self you feel should be changed then do it. It's very hard, but look at what I'm trying to do, and it can also be very very rewarding ladies! Once you're settled and happy with who you are, then you should start with what you look like, because who you are inside can really make a difference, a smile can transform you, happy, healthy lifestyle, a few good hours of sleep. 
Now onto the outfit of the day: 

Jewelry is the same except for the earrings that are vintage from a local boutique.
Belt is from another local boutique, I'm so sorry this happens a lot just look for similar things if you like them. 
Bag is from mango.
Leggings are just regular black leggings.
Sweater dress is from Vero Moda, and I'm still wearing my lovely combat boots to give it a little more of a tough vibe. 
Love you all, have a great weekend, and for any personal advice, questions and so forth, leave a comment below!  If you think my advice is good and you'd like to do an ask Roni J. set of posts, I would love that since I very much enjoy giving advice, and if there's something you think I should do, or change or something, just tell me and I shall do my best!

Happy Pi Day Sweetstuff!

Hello there pretty fashionistas!
How have you been. As you may or may not have given any thought to this, today is pi day, and yes, I am a huge nerd. Pi day, being 3.14 in date, is called pi day for looking like the beginning of this endless number they decided to call pi. Not only is it a celebration to the beautiful Greek letter that looks much like this: π, and of the number that has soooo many meanings and uses, it is also Albert Einstein's birthday! Hurray!                
Now that we've gone through all that, I can tell you what happened to me on pi day. There's a group of students at our school that is called excellence that is for students that excel in sciences. Being a good student and majoring in both chem and biology (and film studies, which have nothing to do with this subject), I am a part of that club. It's not that I really excel or whatever, but just keep pushing through this cheesy event.
Every year on pi day we go and have a scientific trip to whatever scientific place they choose and this year they took us to the local science museum, which was cool for missing almost a whole day at school, but still is quite... Scientific. Don't take this wrong if you love sciences, sometimes I do, too, but the day wasn't all that interesting at all. 
The highlight of the day was being with friends and laughing about the mating habits of butterflies (yup, nerds), and an even greater highlight was the fact that for a whole day I didn't have to see the guy that I like.

Sounds weird to you that I wouldn't want to see him? Well, at first it did to me, too, but I've learned to handle my oddness, and you on the other hand really don't have to.  This guy, although being the guy that I've been wanting since, what, June or May last year? Doesn't only not know about my feelings for him, but he also makes me want to deny them all the more. I have heard this guy talk shit about me to other people, and to my face really, seen him make out with another girl, and have experienced every kind of uncomfortable pain by his presence, and, yet, there are still moments where he's so sweet, those moments when he doesn't tease me about stupid things, the moments when his shirt is off (kidding!!! Kinda...), when he is so attractive and makes me want him all the more.  

As the wise and greatly talented Kimbra said in the most beautiful and appreciated song by Gotye  "But I don't want to live that way, reading into every word you say.."  

and lately I've been getting tired of this nonexistent relationship, so not seeing him was definitely a peek on this hill of a day.

Now, onto the outfit of pi day! 

Same Jewelry as yesterday except for the square earrings (Freedom by Topshop) and the bird necklace (Accessorize).

Of course yesterday I forgot to mention a HUGE trend, which is the colored jeans! Darn it. Anyways this pair is from Abercrombie and Fitch.

Sweater is from a local thrift store, but it's just a regular black sweater I'm sure you can find one anywhere. 

Shoes are the same combat boots.

Lip product of the day is my beloved Fruity Shine Pomegranate Labello (lipbalm), as you can see I adore pomegranates :D. 

Have a great pi day! 

Roni J.