Birthday Blues

Hello hello darlings.
I know I haven't been writing as much as I had hoped for, but things are quite hard to do, when literally every weekend this month I'm in a different place, and the weekends are usually when I have the time to dedicate to writing.
I wanna say that a lot has changed since the very beginning of this brand new year 2013, but in all honesty, and I try to be as honest as I can on here, nothing has changed.
What has happened since to make me think that something should have changed? The dear guy I liked just before this current one and I have gotten fairly close as friends, at which point he realized he might know the guy I like. I don't want him to know, but he's been insistent on finding out who the guy is, quite the curious case if you ask me. He's been trying to find out through a friend, and I don't know if I should tell him. He could really be hurt by me not trusting him with this and I do care about him, and about our quite fresh-out-of-the-oven, newborn of a friendship. Plus he could maybe help seeing as they are aquatinted, and share quite a few friends. On the other hand it could be a complete disaster to tell him. He could make it super awkward and even tell him, which could just make me want to dig a hole in the ground and lie in it forever more. So what do you do when you really want to give your trust to a person, but are terrified, and have quite a lot to lose? What would you do?
The first weekend I saw a thing I planned for quite some time, quite the event, play before my eyes. I think it was rather successful, but who's to tell? Mr. Guy was there, it was on Saturday. The Friday just beforehand there was a big party I didn't attend, because it's at a club I generally despise. He then asked me "you weren't there were you?" I replied, but it bothered me to know if he had honestly cared whether I was there or not, or was it another reason that he had asked this for. He asked me to sit next to him, and we had a little talk. It was nice.
This weekend, this past one, we went on a little overnight stay with that same group of friends that we went on the trip with just a month ago (him included). We sure had a good time. Not just because of him, not at all, but the entire population of people, with some new ones that weren't there last time, was just good company. We played some childhood games during which I fell because who am I without a few bruises? I don't know if it is because he's a genuinely good person or if it's 'cause he cares about me a smidge more than he cares about other people, but those two times I fell on my dear trusty booty he came running to me, hugged me from the back, placed his head on my shoulder and whispered "are you alright?" into my ear. Those moments when my heart literally melts, and can be later seen leaving red blood stain on the floor. No, it wasn't the fall, or my aching bum, nor were they the scratches that were left from the stones I glided on. It was he who made those stains. Yeah... I don't know why I wrote it aloud. I probably shouldn't have. I kinda gross myself out sometimes lately. Anywho... The highlight of his odd yet fuzz making behavior was when he touched my neck as if to massage it, and I told him "stop, I get chills when someone touches my neck", to which he then replied "so what happens if someone kisses your neck?" HELLLO THERE MR. SEXY PANTS. Yet again grossing myself out. I don't know if he meant it, because... Maybe it was just a random comment. It happens to strange people like him. But maybe just maybe he wants me to get chills because of him, and that is the reason he hasn't actually stopped touching my neck even after I told him that? The morning after that we went to an ice-skating rink. Despite the fact that it was freezing, it was so much fun! I missed skating. I haven't skated in about 3 and a half years, and I absolutely love it. It feels like it's my place; an ice rink for the ice queen... Kidding. He kept coming and holding my hand on the ice or appearing out of nowhere behind me, and hugging me, which almost made me piss myself of fear, but I came out alright, maybe a little more than alright.
And then yesterday we went out a group of friends. Most of them were drinking, 'cause that's what teenagers do these days. I didn't though. I don't find pleasure in gulping something that tastes like this kiss of death and acetone, and acting stupid after it. He was there, and he was drinking beer. Legitimate. He really wanted me to drink making me think it over too hard, and think he might want me to loosen up a little, but that's probably a big fat lie to myself. He was standing next to me and then asked where two girls disappeared to, and I don't know why, but I replied to that flirtatiously (why then? stupid!). He then smiled at me sweetly and stroked my cheek for no reason. Good thing my heart beats don't have a microphone attached to them, because he would have easily figure out I just want him sooo bad. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I just don't know what he's thinking.
This weekend I'm going to see the college I will be attending next year. Hopeful that it's what I had imagined it being. There are amazing reviews about the program I'm going into (this leadership program), which makes me excited. It's a bit different to what all my friends are going to do, but it's interesting and it sounds a lot like me. I would love to be some kind of leader, even if around the people I'm surrounded with. A good one.
Other than that this month of January is always hard on me. It's my birthday month and with it come the "Birthday Blues". The kind of blues that settle down when you realize there is so much more you wanted to accomplish before you got to this age, but nothing has changed since last year. Last year I said to myself I gotta have a boyfriend before I'm 18, and look at it- 18 and still in the running. It's that kind of not shocking, very expected self criticism. Why couldn't you do better? Why are you still where you were this time a year ago? I surely will get out of it soon, and start loving my life all over again, because I have quite the loveliest life. I have a lot to thank God, my family, my friends, and this world for. I have the best of people around me, loving me. I have a roof over my head, and a fresh cooked meal everyday. And all those little things we usually never thank anyone for like... The ability to write down all this crap. I hope to be writing down some more fashionable things in the near future along with some news of the things I keep wanting to accomplish.
I love you all! Hope you have a great beginning to your year, and that you remember we all have so much to be happy for. <3 Roni J.

Gone With The Math Wind

As the title claims, I am here for now. The next few weeks until the very end of the school year are going to be a hurricane, so please don't be disappointed if there's a week with only one post coming up or even less, and especially not the more decorated put together posts, because I have so many tests that my mind's burning up.
This week I have chem test and two math tests that I really am trying not to be too stressed about, because frankly that's what screws me up and makes me fail miserably (not that I actually fail, but I've been getting bad scores because of stressing myself out), so, you girls, wish me luck, please!
How have you been? To my sad impression you don't really like leaving comments which I would love to get. Don't worry about being good at English or whatever, because that, honestly, doesn't matter to me at all.
I am taking pictures of outfit of the days all the time for you, though not really able to take the time and do a real post to my awful dismay.
Other than that things haven't really changed, gone wrong, or gone fabulous. I don't have any boy drama, thank whatever higher force you believe in if you do. School is a little stressful, but I mean it could be because I just had a really long spring break, and I'm just not used to working my bum off. Yet. My family is great actually. Dad decided to stop smoking, which in my opinion is a great thing that will be healthy for us as a family and individually, and especially good for him. I am very proud of that life choice he has taken. My friends and I all made up (the ones I had fights with), and I really am just happy with my place in the food chain right now. I feel almost like a T-Rex, a super omnivore. I am honestly trying my best at not letting things get to me.
I am optimistic, very, which is a good thing for me to be at this point. I mean usually towards the end of the school year I am powerless, but this year I'm charging up to go at it full force.
Now here are three outfits from these past not so few days:

The first outfit was worn on an extremely humid day, and therefore I didn't wear any jewelery, but I did go to see 21 Jump Street, which was HILARIOUS, so try to go out and see it. An added plus is that Channing Tatum is extremely attractive, and I'm shallow like that. Hence the sweater in case I get cold in the theater, and I always get cold in the theater. The cardigan is from Zara and it has been featured more time than the dear beloved queen waves her hand in one day. The T-shirt is just an old T-shirt of my sister's that has a yellow cab on it and, I really like it. The shoes I was wearing are my Aldo black sandals that cannot be replaced in my heart, as far as my eyes have seen up until now.

This next outfit was worn on a day home when I didn't feel like putting too much effort into. I wore my mom's mint tank top with lace trimming at the neck that I steal all the time. Again I didn't wear any jewelery just because I was really lazy and was just solving math tests for nobody to hear or see. The shorts are from last summer's Urban Outfitter's collection. They're dotted all over, high waisted and have scalloped edges. The little short-sleeved cardigan is from Topshop, and I don't love it, but still I needed color. I didn't really wear shoes, because my feet love their freedom when possible.

The last outfit for today is an outfit I wore to school, and it has an autumn-ish vibe to it, but really it felt a lot like a fall day that day. I centered it around the necklace that I bought in a local boutique (for more information about the boutiques I shop at send me a comment so that I can answer you later more privately). I wore a plain gray T-shirt from Old Navy, which I always buy my basic T's from, with some high waisted denim shorts, again from a local store. Under the shorts I wore black tights and I paired them up with my shoes from Urban Outfitters that I saw Ivy from 90210 wearing in the last episode I think that came out, or the one before, and got really stupidly fan girly excited about it. That girl is a style icon for me, although I would never be able to imitate her. Other than that I wore all my regular rings and my lucky bracelet my dad bought me.

Anyways I really am desperate for your replies and thoughts and so on so please comment. Remember that "wherever I go, each moment away, I'm missing you more than I can say" as the lovely Karima Francis says in her addictive song "Wherever I Go". Have an awesome week! XOXO Roni J.