A Sad Symphony

Oh gosh, I have not written in so long.
I have not written in almost 9 months. It's almost the time it takes to give birth to a child. And in some way I almost feel like I must have done just that in the past 9 months. No, I did not actually give birth to a child, thank goodness, heavens no. I haven't even lost my virginity.
What I did do, though, is so many things I never even imagined I would have done in a million year, and gone so many places I never in my life thought I would set foot in. Seeing as my year in the most incredible of programs has sadly come to an end, and with it all the unbelievable experiences I have gone through that have changed me and defined me so much that I am a different person now.
What have I managed to accomplish? I have learned to navigate in nature, I have met the most incredible group of people my own age, I have lived alone with these people, I learned about philosophy, economics, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, history, and so many subject that would just take too long to write, I went on a week called survival week, I went abseiling, I toured the entire country, I fell in love a couple times, had my heart broken just the same amount of times I fell in love, I was almost kissed a few times, and have been kissed once, and... Life... It was at its best.
But now, seeing I am back home for the summer, all my friends live in different parts of the country or are in college, now I feel exactly the same as I was just 9 months ago. A major set back. I am having a fight with a friend that I had fights with in August, about her having her head stuck up her ass instead of seeing that the people around her are going through stuff as well, and you can't just have a friendship work one way around. It doesn't work that way.
And the boy that kissed me.. Mr. Danger.. He's not dangerous really, but he likes to think of himself as a bit of a James Bond, thinking he's such a fearless guy. We were about to start a relationship, but we're both extremely shy and me being the tight ass bitch that I am when I am shy... I make it impossible for myself to know whether or not I want it. Whether I am rejecting it because it's really not something that I want, or whether it's just my fear talking. And I managed to scare Mr. Danger, and he's been pulling back. And I keep going back and forth between wanting to end it officially, wanting to let it die on its own, or trying again, because I might actually have feelings for Mr. Danger.
And my parents being in Japan on holiday, me all alone at home, both my siblings swamped with work, it is just all the more hard. I feel lonely, and I have no one to pick me up, except for that one Skype call once a day, and God how I miss them.
So in awe of how depressive I managed to be this weekend- here's a list of my most favorite depressive songs at the moment, that I have been playing over and over to help me find a way to describe how I feel.
First spot in the list in no particular order, takes this sweet cover of the famous ballad by Bob Dylan- Boots of Spanish Leather, done incredibly well by the lead singer of the Lumineers- Wesley Schultz, who's voice is so relaxing yet unnerving at the same time. It's about drifting away more than just physically, and it is absolutely lovely.

Second is a song based on the same drifting apart in more than one way. It is Boston by Augustana. I remember that one night, around six months ago, when we were in our room, my roommate played on her phone speakers, and I remembered this song like I'd heard it before, even though to this day I cannot recall where from.
Either way I've fallen in love with it again thanks to my roommate whom I love desperately. Both of them.

Third is another song about things changing, and people starting to grow apart, and it's called Ashes and Wine by a Fine Frenzy. Alison Sudol's incredible voice, and the lyrics make this make you feel. We had her first album in the car when I was 12 or 13, and I remember saying it is the perfect rainy-day song because it goes perfectly in sync with windshield wipers. Food for thought.

One that I have played over and over the most times this entire weekend, and has become my depressed mood anthem is this beautiful heart wrenching song from the soundtrack to Once, sung by the Swell Season's Irish singer Glen Hansard- Leave. I really have little to say, and no matter what I say about it won't do the song any justice so just listen to it, please. I beg of you.

Speaking of leaving, Israeli singer- Asaf Avidan makes it pretty clear that "baby, I'm leaving" in this yet again heart wrenching song Of Scorpions and Bells.

What You're Thinking by my beloved Passenger ft. Josh Pyke has been my favorite song for almost two years now. Passenger's ability to morph emotions into lyrics is inspiring, not only in this song. Michael Rosenberg's got beautiful sad songs done. Girl Running, Table for One, Feather on a Clyde, What Will Become of Us, Caravan, Things You've Never Done, Walk in the Rain, are just a few of his many beautifully worded sad songs. This one's just my absolute favorite, because it puts into words the frustration in not being able to figure someone out, and in wanting to fix it all but it's just all so out of hand, and it pulls you apart.

Next one's been repeatedly played this week to the point that I am happy we're not dependent on cassettes anymore, because I would rip the shit out of this tape. It is Sara Bareilles's Send Me the Moon. Making an impossibly serene sound to the anxiety of waiting to see someone you miss so much, wanting the sun and the moon to go in circles together so that you don't have to wait even one more day to see them. Parents, this is your cue.

Say Anything by Anderson East ft. Jill Andrews is just what I've been feeling like the past month since everything has started with Mr. Danger. We're both so emotionally incapable, so challenged with our feelings, that neither one of us says anything they want to say. It's that frustrating "just say something. Anything that will make me stay" kind of  feeling. And this song portrays it beautifully in the amazing voices of both Anderson and Jill.

Another frustrating feeling is the feeling that you've gone back to square one. You felt like this big change has happened in your life and God laughs at you like "haha.. NO". We Never Change by Coldplay is, in my opinion, their best creation. It's brutally honest to the point of heartbreaking.

Miles Away by Years Around the Sun is the song that makes me want to run away. Change a scenery, be anywhere but here, travel as far as possible from everything I have been feeling lately, that's where I want to be. The way they describe the perfect mind melting place on earth- sand, sun, moon, stars, lights... Just away.

This is it for today. For more sad songs, or anything else you can message me here or on Tumblr if you feel like, all that information in the contact me page.
Love you all, hoping for a better week ahead, XOXO Roni J.

Me Augusta!!

Hello there, my lovely readers.
I'm guessing the most of you are back at school right now, and I want you to know how jealous I am of you. I hope I will have time to post a few outfit ideas for you this week, but seeing as I am moving out of the house next week, I have quite a lot on my mind.
So today, rather than being infinitely late with my August favorites like I was last month, I decided to do it today. But first, I have a few updates.
The whole thing with Frenchie really freaked me out the first day after, which is when I wrote the last post. That's the reason I sounded way more terrified, and way more horrified by what had happened the day before. In reality, it wasn't that bad, but I was just really really embarrassed by everybody knowing, and really afraid I was no good, and really scared for some reason. I became vulnerable, which is something I am not used to, to say the least. That day, though, he asked me if I want to do something again, to which I declined, because I was really freaked out, but at least it calmed that little part of me that was worried that I was absolutely horrible, and that nibbled on my self esteem, unrightously so.
A day later he offered that I come over to Baron's garage, where they are staying right now, and I said yes. What? This prude? Agreed to come over to be one on one with a French hottie in a garage where they have a bed? Oh wow. What a progress that we've made.
When I came over, I was uncomfortable, yet again, and I kind of stayed as far as possible from him without being too insulting to his manliness, but I'm pretty sure he could sense that I was a bit astranged. I suggested that we watch a movie, so that I could avoid the makeout session as much as possible, to delay it. We watched Iron Man, because I haven't watched it, and the idea of watching a romantic comedy instead was just an unbearably agonizing thought. In all honesty, me being a big fan of super hero movies, and especially Marvel's, I didn't love the movie, which is weird, 'cause it's said to be one of the better ones. Whatever. That's not the point. During the movie dear Frenchie came to sit closer and closer, and then pulled the arm around my shoulder trick. I didn't look at him even once from the fear that something might actually happen. But the movie ended. I got up, and said that I should probably leave soon, because I have work the next day, but then he kissed me. Escape plan fail.
And then we stand there, kissing, for a minute or so. It's just much better, and less stressful, obviously, than the first time. He then suggests that we go up to the bed, and don't judge me here, but I said yes, because I know my limits, and I know that if he tries anything I will not mind kicking him in the baby maker. So we went up to the bed, and kissed a little more, nothing more than that. We also talked a little. I found it hilarious when he tried complimenting me saying that I was a good kisser, and me, being the cynicist I am, I laughed it off, and he said "no really, I swear". And then he went on and added "so please don't go for easy guys", and then I looked at him with the 'Oh 'cause you were so hard to get' look, and then he chuckles, and says "ok, fine, I'm sorry". But seriously, what the heck are you saying that for? You're leaving, what is now tomorrow. Why do you think you have an impact on how I live my life further. It was just a really dumb comment.
Never mind that though, I had a good time with him. It wasn't the perfect date, and I am surely not as attracted to him, as I have been to other guys in the past, but it was very sweet. After a while of talking we just fell asleep, and then Baron came to pick me up, and take me home. The awful thing about it, is that Baron didn't show up alone *MAY HE BE DAMNED* *AMEN*, he has to being all of the guys to his garage so that they could hang out later..... ARE YOU FCKN OUT OF YOUR MIND>!!? They were so amuzed by the sight of me leaving the garage. I didn't mind much and I said "hi" to all of them. I'm prideful, and I don't intend on having a bunch of kids interrupt my self growth.
The very next day they went to a club, all the boys I mean, including Frenchie. I didn't expect him to keep his abstinence at all. I know he was passing through, and I am just another expirience of the country that he got to have. And I was ok with it. That's why I didn't have any problem when the guys tagged a photo of him on Facebook saying "Frenchie's gonna get laidddd". I really didn't. He hasn't spoken to me since the night before, and I was like, yea that's what it was.
The day after that, though, I went to a bar for a girls' night out with two of my friends. My friend introduced me to this ok looking guy, I mean he's attractive, but not my thing at all, and she kind of pushed me to dance with him, which I did, because dancing is harmless. He tried to kiss me a few times, but I rejected him, not because I felt obliged to, or obligated to Frenchie or some other messed up idea, but because I didn't want him enough. I kept dancing with him, and my stupid friend snapped a picture of us dancing, nothing too racy, because I am classy as shit, and sent it to the girls. The girls who were out with the boys, the boys who took the girls' phones and saw the picture, the picture of me with a boy, a boy who's not Frenchie, Frenchie who's their friend.
They see it and start texting me, I'm not sure if they were serious about any of it. "How dare you do this to him?! He saved himself for you last night. He deserves better"... Seriously? Firstly, you're my friends before you were his, secondly, I wasn't with anybody, not because of him, but just 'cause, thirdly, I didn't expect him to keep abstinent, because, come on we all knew it was more than temporary. It's just a few days' summer romance little thing. Why then, in heaven's sake, would anybody, him or any other guy on the planet, expect me to stay away from others for him.
He hasn't talked to me since then, but every day the guys would ask me if I want to see him again, and I would like to think that it's not because he thought I was some whore, I hope he remembered that I was so painfully shy, and knows that that isn't something that dies out so quickly. And if he doesn't it's a shame. Because I am pretty damn amazing, and for him to judge me based upon something that's not even true, then it was nice meeting you, but I am soooo glad you're gone.
And now he's really gone. And I feel kind of blah. Not necessarily because he left, I mean, not because he's the one who left, but because I feel like no one else is waiting in line to replace him. It's just that it was a bit of excitement. Something new that was going on. And now it's gone with him. To France.
Another thing that's been going on is all of my friends going to different colleges. I am going off to college September first, but that will be talked about in a few moments. The thing is most left before me. Some surprised me incredibly with how much they text me, and how much they want to be involved and know about everything that's been going on with Frenchie, and all other stuff, while as others just disappear and disapoint.
Tiny has gone off about a week and a half ago. She and I got so close this past year. She IS my best friend along with another girl. The fact is that she was the first person I wanted to know about the whole Frenchie debacle (wasn't a debacle really, but whatever). But she wasn't here, and she didn't have time to text or answer her phone, and when she came back home for the weekend, and she said we have to meet up, which I agreed to. We made plans twice and each time I had to call her in to hear that she has to cancel, instead of have her call me and say that.
So I wrote her this big letter, saying I know how hard it is, but she made time for other people that take her for granted many times, and I find that she hasn't found time for someone like me. I just think honesty, while being quite nice about it, is the best policy, because I don't want to resent her.
She called me up the next day, and started explaining herself, not really hitting the points I was trying to make, and super justifying, instead of listening to me she just tried to show that she has it really bad, and at hearing that, obviously, I couldn't fight her. I just heard her cry and I tried to get her to stop, and see the bright side in being there, and I just cried with her. She is my best friend and I hate hearing her hurt, even if I am hurt or angry or upset, I would prefer her happiness over my own.
So there's that, and there's also the stress of moving out. On Sunday. I'm driving out there with my dad tomorrow to move the basic stuff like a blanket, and pillows, and other stuff like that, but I am about to cry my eyes out. I am so so stressed out, and don't want to leave home, and my friends who are staying here. I just don't feel like leaving my dad on his own, or living in a room that's not mine with three other girls or so. I am such a privacy seeker, and I don't even know what these girls are going to be like, or who they are at all. The college registration tries to place different girls in the room together in order to create friendships between unexpected people, so they save it for last minute for you to find out who you're rooming with.
So this is what's been going on.

Now to my favorites, which is probably something that you all are a little bit more interested in:
Unfortunately, I don't really have any beauty/fashion favorites. I haven't bought anything new, and I kind of stocked up on the same things I've been using for a while. I did buy a lot of clothes, but I will try to incorporate them in the back to school outfits.

*Movie*- Perks Of Being A Wallflower. The movie is seriously such a good movie. It's a little bit of comedy, but a lot of drama. Deals with a lot of things that us little teenager bubbleheads deal with like relationships, love, friendships, loneliness. I think it was done absolutely beautifully, the scenery, the picture quality, the outfits, the music, it's all amazing. And I am a big fan of Emma Watson and Logan Lerman, so I absolutely loved it, and I highly, highly recommend watching it. I will soon go the book as well, as soon as I kind of forget the story line, which, by the amount of time it's been taking me to read books, and good books at that, will go by faster than expected.

*Song*- It's an unexpected twist to my everyday mellow playlist- John Newman's Love Me Again. The song is catchy, deep, intense, but also upbeat. It has, both in music, and in the music video, a bit of a retro vibe that might be a little reminiscent to the disco era, disco music, and 70's and 80's clothes. I love it. I think that the fact that the lyrics are so... Intense and different, a person admitting to a mistake for treating someone he loved like a piece of sheep meat, is the reason I love this song. Watch the video to the very end. I found the end hilarious. I laughed so hard.

Another more mellow, and more fitted song that I have listened to a lot this month is Turn The Page by Matt Hires, which I have posted two posts ago. As opposed to Love Me Again, this song was relating to me on a more personal note. All the things that are ending, and I'm sad to see them end, although they bring new beginnings with them make this song this month's official anthem for me.

*T.V. Show*- Heroes. By far the best show I've seen in a while, and I'm only halfway into the first season. It is a great drama filled, thrilling show. I have not been this excited to watch another episode with any other Show in a long long time.

Thanks a lot for reading, my love bugs.
XOXO Roni J.

A Tongue Twister

It had all started a few days ago, when... Well, just read about it in the last post.
I promised I would go out with the entire group that consisted of Baron, Ginger, Blondie, Frenchie, and a few more people, when I didn't go out the night before, because I was exhausted, and they kind of came for me.
At first I went to a friend's house to watch a movie. We shall call her Mayo. Mayo is one of my best friends, if not my best, and I spend a whole lot of time at her house because I obviously like her, but I also love her mom and her older brother. Quite frankly I have a small little tiny miniature crush on her older brother. He's such a nice guy. The funniest. Cough.  I love him... Cough. And I can't remember the name of the movie but it was a futuristic movie from the 90's with Tom Cruz in it. It was so strange but it was quite good quality for a movie from the 90's. I think most of it was really this good because I was with them, and they're my favorites, but.. Yeah...
And then we were already late to meet everybody up where we had initially planned to hang out in, so they came over to a park by Mayo's house.
At first I was... SUPER nervous. I barely managed to talk to him. Mostly I just kind of did what I do best when I'm nervous, looked right through him. But my friends wouldn't give up. Oh no. They had to make sure that me and Frenchie get our alone time. They kind of go off to the side, and then Frenchie asks me if I would want to go on a walk with him. I agree, and I ask Baron to watch my purse, because I know that if I bring my cell phone, heaven knows that I will never leave the damn thing, and just ignore Frenchie, which I don't want to be doing.
We leave and go around the block once and talk, and I slowly warm up, and act more like myself, and less like the cold dead body that I have been around him the past times. We go once more around the block, and we're already really talking, and stuff, and then we start the third round after walking for about an hour.
Then he grabs my hand and comes to a stop, pulling me close to him, and trying to kiss me. We already touched lips, but I was so nervous, and my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it might turn into pudding, so I pushed him away. I then set down on a stone wall that was right behind me, and I just tried to calm down.
He was really sweet, saying things like "I know how nervous you are, and I know it's your first time, so, if you don't want anything to happen, I respect that", and like "you should have seen me my first time. I was horrible". He then sat down next to me on the wall and took my hand in his hand and played with it in his fingers. And then he shifted my hair to my other shoulder, and started kissing my neck. Not nervous. Not nervous at all.
And then it happen. We both tilted our heads and touched lips, and he quickly moved on with his tongue, and it was just plain... Odd. I don't know why I sort of expected it to feel all sorts of beautiful and nice to have someone stick their tongue into your mouth. Quite frankly it feels exactly like you would think having a second tongue going in the opposite direction in your mouth would feel. I barely knew what to do with myself... I kind of just moved a long as much as I could without biting or chewing any pieces of Frenchie out by mistake. Sounds exactly as romantic as it was. Not at all.
When we break (not saying that I was disgusted by everything that was going on in there, but definitely suggesting and implying that), and start talking a little more, I realize that all of my friends basically saw it from afar. As if I was not embarrassed enough about the whole situation. And those great friends decide to stop their cars right in front of us, and give a little nod, wink, or whatever. I'm just staring down at my hands wanting to disappear. And my friends keep driving off.
We keep talking for a little. Every once in a while, he kisses my neck again. He keeps playing with my hands the entire time. And we kissed a few more time... Which were anything that I would imagine was just not a good kiss material. He didn't have the best breath, there was so much tongue, I didn't know what to do with my hands, and it was plain uncomfortable. And some times he hugs me, which just feels clingy and uncomfortable, and says all sorts of things like "you're special", which I'm thinking like "yea right", and like "you're good at this", to which I literally just said "yea right" to his face.
Then I realize my phone, my keys, and my money are with my friends at the car so I have no way to communicate to the  planet just how much I want to be home and sleep tight before we go off to work, and it already feels like 3am, which turns out to be right when I get my phone back later. I am just stuck there with him hugging me uncomfortably, and wanting to sleep so bad.
When my friends get back they all look at me weird, and I just want to hide myself, but instead. Oh yea, fuck my life, instead of burying myself down in the soil, he chooses to kiss me goodbye, which is terribly sweet, but seeing that it's in front of everybody, I just feel like running away. The thing that makes it even more awkward is the fact that all those friends that were there almost are all the biggest blabber mouths on the surface of this planet.
Hence, the next morning, this morning, when we go say goodbye to my friend who's leaving for college, everyone and their mother already know. Lucky me. You just saved me time telling everybody on earth.
Poor guy, it's really not his fault that I'm not big into the touchy, feel-y, sweet kind of thing, and that I especially can't do them around people. I feel mean talking about him like that, because maybe he was just great, but I didn't it right or something, but I think it was just mutual.
And then the entire day I had this huge knot in my stomach of shame, and stress, and heart beats, and tiresome, so I had a nauseous feeling the entire day.
In order to get rid of that feeling I convinced myself that, at least now, that he has climbed Olympus, which was an impossible task, why would he try again. Meaning, he has managed to succeed in the challenge that is being with me, then why would he ever bother again to try and challenge himself to it.
But the feeling came back when he friended me on Facebook, and started talking to me. He invited me to watch a movie alone with him in Baron's garage tonight, but I tried my best to reject the offer at least for today, because I was tired and stressed out and nauseous. So I tried as hard  as I might to be kind and tell him we'll do it some other time before he leaves on the 28th.
I can't believe I am no longer a lip virgin. I feel like a huge page was turned, and a huge part of me was taken.
At least he was kind, and understanding, and good looking, and French, meaning it's a good story to tell the kids. I just don't want to hurt him by saying no, but I don't want to die from all the stress, either.

Not stressed at all. Who am I kidding? Scared out of my mind XOXO Roni J.

"And the darkness holds little rest for weary bones. Now turn the page, the chapter's ending."

A French Kiss

It all started two nights ago. That weird kind of feeling that God is playing a practical joke on you and you can't help but laugh with him, because it is freaking hilarious. Things that you never knew were even an option, things you never ever dared think might happen in your future are starting to unravel.

We were talking in our WhatsApp group about how lonely and old we are, and bitter we are about our love life. My friend, Ginger, started talking about how much she wants to find someone, and another friend, Curly Fries, told her to be with a guy friend of ours, Baron, with whom Ginger had been a few months back. 

Baron used to live abroad, and he had met two friend there. These friendships have lasted 13 years, through borders and miles and miles apart. These two guys, Blondie and Frenchie, came over to visit Baron before they all head to college. 

When Curly Fries suggested that Ginger be with Baron, she added "and you could have a threesome with him and with Frenchie. 

I had met both Frenchie and Goldie a week ago so very briefly during a hangout with the rest of the group of our friends, but not being too close to Baron, not since the end of ninth grade when we were separated in our homeroom classes, I didn't talk to them much at all. I could sense, though, that Frenchie was paying me special attention when we talked for a second, and kind of rushed the thought out of my mind. By the way, he's French and a complete hottie. 

When Curly Fries made the threesome I jokingly said "Ginger, you have Baron, and I will have Frenchie". God knows nothing that I say jokingly will ever end up doing what I had meant for it to do. Sometimes it ends up kicking me in the behind so hard I fall over, sometimes it's just the start of something new. 

Instead of just being this stupid, harmless comment that I made, Miss Curly Fries decided to send a picture of it to Baron. Not because of what I had said, but because of what Ginger said. Baron sees this, and from then on Curly Fries and him try to set me up with this good looking French guy I barely know anything about. 

And I am in the middle of a big family dinner, laughing so hard. Is God 

freaking joking? Is he serious? Since when do I get set up with a hot French guy. Later on it also turns out that Frenchie WAS, in fact, eyeing me that first night we had met, so Baron knew that he was interested in me before I even made the comment. A good looking, well educated, beautiful, French guy, is, finding, me, attractive!? Common, where are the cameras big guy? Where you hiding at? 

Baron and Curly Fries promise to arrange a date and I automatically get nervous as hell, even though, in reality, I'm pretty damn sure nothing will really happen, and Baron and I are not necessarily the bestest of friends, so why would he set me up with his literally best childhood friend that has only ten more days in this country? Especially when he knows how much of a prude I am. 

Last night I'm in my head gear already, still in my clothes, but so fucking ready to get to bed its not even funny. I am meters of taking my dress off, and then I get a text from Curly Fries that another girl, Wave, and she are on their way to pick me up to go over to Baron's house to have a group date just so that Frenchie and I could maybe run into the chance of being together. My heart starts beating mad. Like. Insane. I think I need to get that checked out because freaking Superman doesn't run as fast as my heart was beating. 

I get ready quickly not putting too much effort, because I don't want to stress myself out even more, or get my hope higher than they already are. 

We get to Baron's garage that he turned into his room with a ping pong table, and a pool table and we play some and I am shy and not talkative and Baron makes his little kid comments about how I should ask Frenchie to teach me to play pool because I am TERRIBLE. And I am already stressed out enough and want to go home and give up because I have work in the morning and its already 2am for crying out loud, and I'm embarrassed and scared and want to just let it go, it's not like it's believable that anything would ever happen between me and him. 

And then Baron says he's not going to let me go home unless I walked out with Frenchie. And I insist. Baron, no! Baron, I'm just humiliating myself! And we speak in the local language, thank goodness, so Frenchie doesn't understand what we're saying but he knows what I came there for, and can hear the tone of things, so I guess he knew the direction of things. 

And then Baron gets closer and looks at me and says "you know just how shy I am with girls. You know how long it took me to kiss a girl, and, you ladies, still scare me like shit. I told him it's your first kiss and that you're going to be freaking out about it (why does Baron know I have never been kissed will remain a mystery forever), and he knows and he really wants you. He really really does. You can see him looking at you. Common, just one leap of faith, once. And then after that it just gets better and easier". I almost started tearing up, and almost called the Noble Prize headquarters for him. I was shocked by how genuine and sweet he was, and by how much he was really just trying to help me out. 

I was convinced mainly because I wanted to go home, but also because what Baron said played that one right note in my head. And I walked out. 

A few seconds later he walks out. We walk around the neighborhood and talk for way longer than I had initially planned. And he knows how stressed out I am so he doesn't try anything we just walked and talked. And he made me as comfortable as I could be when I'm such a stress case. Then get back to Baron's house, and us girls leave. 

The moment we leave Baron sends me a message saying that Frenchie wants to do it again sometime before he leaves and I agree. 

So joke well played, God. I love you. You're wonderful. And so are you my loves. We'll see maybe this is like Grease and we'll have a summer romance. Maybe not. Let's keep our expectations down, and see if this French kiss is meant to be. XOXO Roni J. 

July Flew By

And so did the rest of this summer. I can't believe that in two weeks I'll be heading to college to start the rest of my life. So far away from everything that I know, and love. So far away from everything that's familiar and home to me.
I will be beginning this year far away from home, in the dorm room with two to three new girls that I barely even know. I will have to get used to their faults and their flaws, and will have to fit my flaws, and my faults to them. And after all this hard work, when I get back home once every two weeks for the weekend, when I'm tired, and just need to rely on something comfortable and familiar, my momma is not going to be here.
I have said goodbye to my momma after a two week long journey with both my parents in the entirety of Norway, which is one of the most insanely beautiful spectacular places I have ever been to. It was incredible for both the beautiful landscapes of waterfalls, and lakes, and fjords, and just water in general. God, they have so freaking much water it's not even funny, but also for the beautiful cities they have there like Oslo, Bergen, and Alesund, every single one of which is unique for its own reasons, and its architecture, which you must know is one of my favorite things in the world, and one of the things I find the most beautiful to see in different cities and countries. Some of my favorite places include the beautiful Viking Museum in the outskirts of Oslo. I am usually not a museum person at all, but those freaking Viking ships are freaking incredible. Such elegant woodwork was done on these ships with so many decorative intricate detailing that I almost peed my pants out of pure joy. Another lovely lovely place was the city of Bergen, which is all the way out in the west of Norway, and the old pier that they have restored and placed some stores in. It's just so goddamn beautiful. I also found this adorable freaking cafe in a street called Lille Ovregaten, that's both a cafe and a book store. So beautifully designed, really good coffee, amazing baked goods, some homely, amazing smell of cinnamon, spices, and coffee. If you ever pass by Bergen by any chance, just run there. It's inspired me to want to open a similar place in the future maybe. Making people fall back in love with books, music, and the small beautiful things in life. There's also a very good restaurant called Zupperia in Bergen that makes amazing soup dishes that are so freaking big, and so freaking tasty and heart warming on a rainy day. I have never in my life tasted a clam chowder so delicious.
Alesund is another beautiful city all made out of stone buildings because of a fire that burnt the city down to the ground. Not only is the architecture absolutely beautiful, but they have amazing fish and chips, an adorable glass workshop, and and an amazing little antique shop I spent hours in by the beautiful pier. And the beautiful way between those cities spread like a web of incredible waterfalls, streams, lakes, and fjords. I know I have possibly said beautiful in the past few sentences more than ever in my life all together, but that country is astonishing, remarkably unique and pleasant.
And then we parted ways with my momma. And I didn't cry then, and even though it's choking me up a little right now, thinking about how much I miss her, and need her, and feel like telling her every single thing that's been going on in my life, I just won't. I can't afford to break down so easily.a
Good thing I've been keeping busy in the two weeks since I've come back. Firstly, I've been working as a secretary at my dad's office, and every night since I have been going out, tiring myself out to the max, trying to fit as much in with my friends before all of us leave for college in our different paths.
We went camping this weekend on the beach, and I have come really close with a guy that was in my grade, but we never really spoke too much, and then on Thursday during the little camping trip we just stayed up the entire night, literally the entire night, talking, and he told me about his trip to Greece that he went on with his group of friends a few weeks later than we did, and about his first time, and I told I haven't had my first time, and never even been kissed, and he listened to me like no other straight guy before him. I told him about my stupidity and humiliation with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, and he just didn't even judge. By the way, I saw Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome last night walking in the street, when we passed by in a car, and he looked amazing, and I just reminded myself of how freaking stupid I am.
This morning, though, two of my very good friends left for college, which is yet another goodbye to have said, and then my dad drove out of town to my extended family, and I came back home, and it's all quiet, and dark, and empty. And for the first time since Norway, since saying goodbye to momma, I have time to think. To process my goodbyes, to think about the scary future that I don't know anything about, those eerie moments that I will have, wanting to come back home to momma, and she's far away, and I can't talk to her because of my stupid busy schedule, and my friends leaving, and my stupidity and my cowardice with boys, and all of a sudden after letting it out now, and talking about some of it has broken my promise earlier not to cry. And I'm choking back tears, but they won't listen and stay down, they just fill my eyes until they burn, and there's no way to get rid of that sting besides blinking those tears away.

"Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox years, always a bigger bed to crawl into? 
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?"

SO, if we choke back the tears and talk about some of the things I have loved the month of July that has long been gone, and flew by without me even letting it go. I held onto it's wings tight, I promise, but it didn't care at all, it just took off without noticing the dead weight I was imposing on it in order for it to linger.
Song:
The Girl Running duet by Passenger ft. Jess Chalker. I don't know what about this song, maybe the first verse and the last verse, make me think of the loss of innocence and childhood, which, as you might have been able to see was pretty much the theme of this month, fuck, it's been the main topic this entire year.







Artist:

Bon Iver. He's always been a favorite, but playing his beautiful songs while driving across the beautiful landscapes of Norway was an incredible experience. The pure meaning of joy and serenity to me is waking up from sleep in the back seat, grab an apple, with my parent, passing incredible views, and having songs like towers play in the background.




Make Up Item:
See Sheer by Mac is a beautiful sheer peachy pink color. I bought it new during the month of July at the airport's Duty Free. It's as nude as I can go without looking like someone shot me. I love it because it's light, and not intense, but adds a little bit of color to the face. It's a Lustre finish meaning it looks wet and smooth on the lips, but it's not glossy or sticky. It's slightly rosy, slightly coral, but it's absolutely beautiful. I love it. It's also soft on the lips.

Deodorant:
Dove's Go Fresh, which smells like cucumber and mint, and just kept me fresh this entire months running errands, partying, tanning, and so on. It's just very comfortable, and the smell isn't too perfume-y, but lingers, which makes it perfect for keeping me fresh in this "deafening heat" as they say in The Girl Running.

Perfume:
Number 8 by Abercrombie and Fitch. I FINALLY got my hands on a new bottle after ages of living a sad sad life without it. It can be used by both sexes and smell just as lovely and fitting for either sex. It's clean, but not soap-like smelling which is good for me for staying fresh smelling during the summer. It's also a little sexy, dew to it's spices and ginger tones, but floral. And listen to the weird part, it has jasmine petal tones to it, which is my most hated scent ever, but it smells so good, I honestly can't even detect the strong scent of jasmine.

Shows:
Baby Daddy and Melissa and Joey are back! I just watch the new season like a junkie. My comic relief.
I have also started watching Suburgatory. Delirious.

Books:
I have just finished Pretties and proceeded on to Specials, but these books honestly don't get old. They just keep me on my toes and surprise me every freaking time. I think I'm going to cry when I finish Extras. But hey I've got Eve's second book that came out in April when I was still reading Divergent and Insurgent and stuff, and for some reason I had started Uglies before I read it, and I have the Maze Runner at hand, so I will be filled up to the brim with good books. I am a slow reader as you might have noticed, because I like to read when I'm calm, so I read in Norway a boat load, but I haven't since, because I was stressed out and tired.

Hope you're all having a lovely summer, or winter, if you're in the southern part of the equator! Loves you all, and thanks for being there and letting me take out everything I don't dare say on the outside, even if you don't even care about all my nonsense. XOXO Roni J.
By the way the first picture is from the way from one  city to another on a ferry, the second and third are from Bergen on the old pier, the third and fifth are again on the way from one city to another, and the fourth photo is from Alesund. Hope you enjoyed my little journey in pictures!

My First Kiss Wasn't A Little Like This

Hello there my fantastic friends. 

This month as I have already mentioned in the last post I think is genuinely the craziest month of my life. To my sincere dismay I came back from Greece yesterday after a very very eventful fun trip, but there's just so much that happened beforehand that I can't skip. 

First I hosted a family that I used to be neighbors with when I lived abroad. At first I was really worried about hosting them, because the girl who's my age and I haven't spoken since my visit two years ago. But to be honest it was just like in old times. We shared tons of laughs and we were really getting along well, which made me remember how much I miss her and her humor. We were really really tight back then. 

A day after she left I had to leave for summer camp. I am not kidding you when I say the people there are my family. Throughout the years I've been to several places of the same sort, and for longer periods of time, but never have I been able to call those places home, or the people there my family. In under a year, a year that was crazy eventful, I have met a group of people that were so accepting of me, and of who I am, so familiar, so loving, and for that I am grateful every day. 

During camp it was evident that these people are family to me, and to each other. The last day, when we said our goodbyes, everybody was crying, everybody. All the guys, the guys that always pretend to be big strong men, wept for hours. They are my brothers. 

All except one. 

Throughout the camp I've gotten to know him better, not to speak of the fact that throughout this entire year he's become better and better looking. Wise man, you know the drill, when a new guy shows up he gets a nickname that suits his dominant features or traits. So this guy is a proven genius. All the guys idolize him for his brains, but he's not a cocky jerk. He's sweet and humble about his achievements and success. Anyways, I have worked real close with him the entire camp which made it so easy to fall for him and his charm. Unfortunately he hasn't shown any interest in me the entire time. Not really. I mean in the beginning maybe a little, or maybe I mistook it for interest. 

The thing is we went to a bar the day after camp was over and he kept asking to walk me home. I obviously thought it might mean something but in my stupidity I was upset to realize we just live quite close and he wanted company on his way home. Which is what he got when my friend drove us home in the end. So maybe it was in the intention of having something happen and he regretted it or something, but whatever I was already too occupied with thinking about Greece and about the new people I met that will be going to college with me next year in a meeting the day after camp that made me feel much better about, and much more excited for next year. 

An incident happened at the bar when one guy friend of mine who knows about my never been kissed status got a little drunk and told the guys about it, when I am not too pleased about them knowing, so I denied it saying he doesn't know about the last few things that happened and that I have met a guy that's going to college with me next year and I was with him. They believed it and he apologized the very next day, plus Wise Man wasn't there when they talked about it, so it doesn't matter much to me. I love him nonetheless. 

And then Greece happened. It was a crazy, insanely fun trip. You all know my opinion of alcohol, and I wasn't going to give up my morals there either, but I did drink in moderation, and it was a once in a very long time thing. I do how ever know my limits with drinking very well, and, even when drunk, I am very aware of myself and my surroundings. That is why I wasn't afraid to let go a little for once. My friends were also careful with over drinking, and it made it way easier for us to have fun without being worried that if one of us is missing for a few minutes then she must be dying in a dark corner in an estranged country. 

Our vacation started with a pool party on Monday, that I still do think was the best out of all the parties we have been to there. It was free cocktails, so we had a few, and we met some other friends that came a day before us and the really sweet nice guys that were in their hotel, one of them was crushing on me a little, I've been told by one of the girls, and I also felt it during the party. We had a ton of fun, and being a little drunk I flirted with a guy that hit on me , even though he wasn't to my taste especially because he kept sounding needy and desperate, but also because he wasn't the best looking. He then tried to kiss me, which I avoided desperately, not wanting my first kiss to be with him whatsoever. It did however boost my confidence that both guys were interested in me, and, when we also met some guys from my school, I felt like they were a little flirtatious with me, as well, which made me feel even more confident. 

That night we went to a club, and again I was just a little drunk, so I was looser than usual, and I started dancing with this really really hot guy that hit on me. I would always get so nervous doing this in the past, but Being a little looser than usual, and a lot more confident, I didn't mind much, and we were dancing really close. I mean really close. I felt like a little but of a skank right there, but hey I know I'm not so that's ok. We were dancing like this for... An hour. I'm not kidding you, and he kept asking me if he could kiss me, and me being the frightened little inexperienced child I kept saying no, and, after a while, when I sobered up, I kindly left the poor guy, and neither pair of our lips kissed. Shame, because he was smoken, and quite sweet when we talked. 

The very next day we got a little bit of a tan by the hotel pool which was a lot of fun, after we got up quite late, because we came back in at 5am like the true party animals that we are... Yeah sure whatever. 

In the evening, around 8 we went to a glow paint party to which you get something to cover you up with, that kind of looks like a space suit that we cut into a shorts, and short sleeves suit so that we wouldn't look THAT ridiculous.. It hasn't helped. And when you get in there, besides, you know, the music and the regular party going on, there are huge hoses that shoot glow in the dark paint at you. It was the second most fun party we went to while there right after the pool party. It was just insane. We walked in and then we meet the guys from one of the girls' school, and they're all her friends, one of which is also my neighbor. I, then, spot one of them and look at him and think.. Hmmm... Looking good. And then my brain goes missing. All that's working is just hormones, hormones, hormones. He is what you call "tall, dark, and handsome".  And shirtless, so very shirtless. Yeah, way to help my hormones quite down, dude. So we dance with the guys for a while and Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome is sweet to me, but it's unclear if he's interested in me because he's quite apathetic on the outside, which is a weird thing about me, but I like that about guys. Wise Man is like that, as well. And I talk to him a little, basic information and stuff all the while talking to the other guys, but flashing a few extra flirtatious smiles in his direction to make myself clear without looking desperate, and I can feel sexual tension, but then again he's chill and doesn't show any sign of interest except for a few smiles back at me.  After a while, one of the guys from my school that went to camp with me came up to me fully drunk, and said hello and we hugged and stuff, and usual friendly behavior. And then it got weird. All my friends call me a bee for some reason, it's been explained in the past I would think. And so he starts saying "hey I heard you've stung five already". And by stinging he means I was with five guys in Greece. For some odd reason the guys though that I'm this huge player before the accident, because I keep my love life very on the down low in front of them, because I have been attracted to some of them and I don't feel like having them know I have no love life whatsoever. He however, wasn't there when it slipped out that I have never been kissed, and still thought I'm this major player, and I replied "I can neither confirm or deny" in order to keep it yet again from their public eye. "Oh I was just assuming I haven't really heard this from anyone"-"I haven't confirmed it, though"- "oh"- "I haven't denied it either"- "true, so would you like to sting me?". And then I'm taken aback, because he had never shown any interest in me in that way, and plus he was with one of my friends during the pool party, so I was.. Surprised to say the least. And then I replied, still playful, "sweetie, if I'll sting you I will die, I am a bee after all", which is my friends satyric theory for why I haven't been with anyone yet. Then he replies "if I wanted to I could sting you" and gets closer. "And do you?" - "I'm more of a wasp person myself"- "good"- "I do, though. You can sting me if you want to" oh haha funny joke, what!? "Aww that's sweet, but no thank you" and we keep talking a little and then he leaves, and I keep talking to Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome and his friends for a while, my little drunk guy friend that I had rejected an hour ago comes back and tries to kiss me.. And I am like "hey baby, I love you and you know it, but not like that" in the nicest way possible, and then he calls me a tease, which is fine by me, but we are still cool thank God, and we talked the days afterwords and we were even better than ok. 

Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome sees my friend trying to kiss me and me rejecting him, and he jumps on the opportunity two minutes later and says "it's a little stuffy in here, wanna go outside?" To which I reply "yeah sure" without showing him how eager I was on the inside, 'cause the poor guy would have run away into the sea and would have swam all the way home out of fear. We got to the side where we had a little bit of privacy and then he puts his hands on my waist and we dance together for a while getting closer, and closer, and then in an instant I see his eyes closing and his head tilting to the left, and my mind sobers up from its absence the past hours, and immediately I'm alert and thinking, and bam I tell him not to and burry my face in his chest, because I am too self conscious. 

A minute later we part ways and I immediately think to myself 'are you a fucking idiot? You stupid fucking whore, what the hell's wrong with you!? Not only did you miss out a perfect opportunity, but you also teased the poor guy to death. That was embarrassing. You wanted him you stupid butt face.' And I have yet to calm down from that. I still want to punch myself in the face every time that I can picture his face leaning in. The guy is cute, smart, lives in the same town, he's so tall that you have to stand on your tippy toes to talk to him, which is a freaking big deal being 5'7.5", he's got abbs, a charming smile, beautiful lips, he's friendly and sweet, what the fuck more do you want from your first kiss you fool! And every time I saw him since was really uncomfortable. The girl that's friends with this entire group of guys told me that he asked her to put in a word for him before the whole thing happened saying that I am beautiful, and another friend of mine says he's never been with a girl who's not absolutely stunning, which is a huge compliment, so what the hell.. Huh?

The rest of the stay was fun nonetheless and I got a little bit of a tan and a few new friends, and a lot of confidence that I am pretty enough, that guys that I want could want me back. I am still the dumbest girl on the planet but at least I got the looks down. 

I am now in Oslo to visit my mom who's staying here for half a year. This place is the absolute opposite of everything Greece was, and there's light until 00:00 at night, which is just odd. 

Hope I wasn't hard to bare with my big mouth and tiny brain. Loves you all. Xoxo Roni J. 

Up(to no)date

Hey pretty ladies, how are you today?

I'm doing well considering  the circumstances, which are basically a crap load of tests. And the endless tango of "loves me, loves me not" that's going on in my incompetent brain. Flower petal after the other I'm picking them out, and sometimes they end up saying there's nothing there, and sometimes they say there's something, but whatever the petals are saying, whatever the signs might be saying, I doubt them. Whatever the signs point to, immediately my gut feeling points in the other direction. 

Nothing dramatic has happened since the last post, really, which should be concerning, because nothing's going on in my life right now, and that's not great. Big Guy and Mr. Guy have been doing that same thing they always do- confusing me. 

We had a test in biology last week, and we are all taking A.P. bio, so we all ended up in the same place. Mr. Guy kept asking me the most random questions that had nothing to do with the test, or with life on earth really, which, after a while, kind of started sounding like he's seeking my attention. That was weird to me, considering he hasn't been seeking my attention, or seemingly been seeking my attention in a very long time. Big Guy on the other hand just treated me in a casual matter, being nice, wishing me luck, being sweet. The test was divided in two, so after the first part, I sat on the staircase in the hallway with a good friend just talking. So Big Guy comes around and starts asking me how the first part was, and I answered very sweetly and smiled at him, but was cut off midst sentence, because Mr. Guy peered in out of nowhere, and saw that my attention was on Big Guy, and started touching my face, because he's odd like that, and that's what he does when he's trying to get someone's attention. So then Big Guy sees that my attention was diverted onto Mr. Guy, and he starts messing up my hair, so I divert my attention onto him, and then Mr. Guy sees that my attention is shifted to Big Guy and Mr. Guy says something that I didn't necessarily hear, but was supposed to refer to me to perhaps get my attention back, and Big Guy then started touching my face like Mr. Guy does usually, and I mean it was all so weird that by the time the teacher called us in for the next part, I was pushed up against the stairwell's wall, because they were all up in my grill. I was really weirded out by Big Guy's actions, because I used to think he's the rather normal guy, but then again I see that normal's not an option if the guy is good looking.
So then I had many tests and all sorts of things, so I was really looking to dance my stress away. And yet again, third party in a row that Big Guy's been looking at me all the time. Or at least I imagine him looking at me all the time, and I have no idea whether I'm imagining or not, and whether he's looking at me because he likes me, or because I look ridiculous. Quite honestly I could care less, if he thinks I'm ridiculous when I dance, because I am one good catch with a boat load of crazy moves.
One of his friends, though, that showed up in the past parties, as well, is a smoked little salmon swimming in this pond, and all the other fish in the sea really look like clown fish next to this one. He is a good looking chap, and Tiny said that this little fella is actually Tony's best friend, and in her opinion, the best guy he hangs around, because he's serious, hardworking and nice. I doubt I am ever going to have anything with him, because, hey, I can barely get them damn clown fish circling around me, so how will I have him doing it?
It seemed, if I am honest, that the two talked about me a little, because they were whispering, and then looking at me. Or maybe, as usual, I was just imagining, because there's a difference between what's going on around me, and what I think is actually going on around me.
Funny thing happened in the club. They have screens with videos and photos and stuff, going while the music's playing, but then... A clown picture, the scariest clown ever, and it doesn't take much of a clown to scare the crap out of me, appeared on the screen, and I almost started crying... Worst minute of my life.
My sister adopted a cute little puppy to her new apartment, and he's seriously the cutest freaking thing in the world. He's... Precious. I fell in love with him the first second I saw the little guy. I have a new family member, which I am absolutely in love with.
Two days ago, in some weird series of events, we planned a BBQ for a bunch of friends, and I said that I can host it in our garden. Mr. Guy was invited, because he's in that group. I was waiting in my room for a friend, who said she was going to be there early, writing to another friend on Facebook. Since that friend I was writing to lives in a whole different country I write her very long letters. I was in the middle of writing her, and Mr. Guy shows up 40 minutes earlier than was supposed to. I got really nervous about keeping him busy for 40 minutes without getting busy with him, so I asked him if it was ok that I finish up writing to my friend, and he said sure. So we were sitting on my bed in my room, me typing on the laptop, all the while we're keeping an extremely awkward conversation. Then I finish writing but we stay in my room, and he asks me about a girl we both know and says that he knows many people that hate her, and I said "oh, I don't hate her. She's sweet". Then he turns to me, looks me in the eyes, puts his hand on my thigh, and says "you never hate anybody. You're too sweet." To this I basically replied with me running away, saying something along the lines of "I should probably put the Coke in the fridge.." Then we sat outside waiting for the rest to show up, and he picked up my guitar, and started playing. Then he stopped and said "you look really nice today", mind you he said this meanwhile playing the guitar on a moonlit porch.... Then he stopped playing, and asked me "hey, Roni, what's you're favorite song? I feel like impressing you." Dudeeeeee! What now?! So I told him "Candy by Paolo Nutini", and he has to look it up on his cell, and then he needs a capo, but I say I don't feel like going inside to fetch him one, so I say I'll just hold my finger in place for him, and then we just sit there... Playing together... A love song...
And then my friend finally shows up just half an hour too late... Have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Have a fabulous day <3 XOXO Roni J.

Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.

Life Is Not ALWAYS Black And White (Trend Alert #4)

Life isn't always black and white. There are shades of gray, 50 to be exact. No, I'm just kidding, but it takes a lot of time to separate and notice those shades of gray. We kind of love that definite answer; black and white, "yes" and "no", up and down, when in reality you can be up, but hanging upside down. Does that mean you're up or down?
The past two days I was depressed. I was angry because I wasn't getting a definite answer from the universe. What I didn't realize was that "yes" and "no" are beautiful wonderful answers, but they can't answer "why?", and they never will be able to. Instead of asking "is it...?", and "does he....?", I kept asking questions like "Why do I..?" "Why does he not..?". Truth is that if I had wanted to get a definite answer, I wouldn't have asked those confusing question. I would have found better questions, definite questions that can be answered with either a "yes" or a "no".
I just didn't want a definite answer. I wanted a "maybe", an "I don't know", and the forever loved "it might take some time". I wasn't honest with myself, because I wanted the dishonest answer. I wanted to think there's a chance we'll ever end up together. I wanted to think I'm his only one. I wanted to think he is  different to what he is in reality. But things don't work out that way.
I realized I need to change the way I think about it. It has dawned on me that I have.. Real strong feelings for him. I refused to say that I am in love with him, because that's weakness in my eyes. But then a good good childhood friend of mine came to me with an honest answer. She said a definite answer to an indefinite question, because she knew it would hurt more to keep being delusional, than to actually know the answer. She told me I will keep feeling stuff for him until the end of the year, when we will both part ways practically forever. I will go to one college and he will go to another, and... That's how it's going to be.
And then it dawned upon me. On one hand, I want him out of my life so that I can move on, but on the other hand I almost tear up at the thought of us parting ways forever, and I would rather watch him make out with thirty more girls than to never have him in my life again, even if it means I'll never actually have a hold on him. They say you know you love a person when you can't imagine your life without them... Well, I can, I really can, but every body part of mine doesn't want to accept it.
So life is both black and white, I want him as far away from me as possible so that I can forget him, but I also want him as close to me as possible, so that I will never have to say goodbye. It's not really that life is gray, it's just that the black and white live together like a checkered board.
"Does he love me?", "yes, he does". "Does he love others?", "yes, very much". "Does he care for me?", "yes, yes he does". "Does he care for others?" "yes, he does, with all his heart". "Will he ever want to hurt me?", "oh God no". "Did he ever?", "hell yea".
So I think I better define this indefinite story. I love him. I probably will always have some kind of feeling for him. I don't ever want to tell him, but I hope that I will someday, because it's weighing down my chest when I walk past him, and when he looks me in the eyes with his beautiful blue eyes, and the most when he touches me. I don't think we'll ever be together, and it hurts in every bone in my body. I never want to say goodbye, but I know that I will have to soon. I will have to love him from afar, because I have a feeling that other wise I might jump him, or burst. And it will go away, even if that's the last thing I want. I will not prevent myself from living on the life I am supposed to have. I will go to all the parties that I want to go to in spite of the fact that he'll surely be there, and be there with another girl, at that. Because I need that pain, and I need to have it go away, and it will in the end.
This spring, much like life, is all about the combination of black and white, and making them work together side by side. Although the look is amazingly classy and clean, it can be a bit boring. So here are some items that will help you create an interesting monochromatic look:

1. The easiest way to make an interesting black and white outfit is by wearing a dress. It's a no fuss kind of outfit. It's summery, breezy, and easy. This dress from Freepeople.com is a perfect combination of black and white. The black lace gives off a sexy feel, and the soft lace detailing at the bottom and the cut at the bottom make it super feminine and soft. It can be dressed up with heels and a clutch for a cocktail party, or dress it down with a chambray top and even low top converse for a casual day.

2. Another easy way is to incorporate different textures into the outfit to make it a little more interesting. A good example is leather (faux leather) shorts into the outfit. They give a little edge and a different texture like these from Urbanoutfitters.com. Another option for texture is a light weight cable knit sweater like this one from Topshop.com
that has amazing knitted detailing.

3. Third way to do this in a more interesting way is studding or embellishments. Things like these shorts from Pullandbear.com that are embroidered beautifully, and are light and breezy and comfortable for even the sweatiest of days, because they don't stick. Another pair of interesting shorts is this one from Hm.com. It's not just a regular studded pair of shorts. There are different kinds of studs on it and even skull studs, but subtle ones so that it's not too dark.

4. Last way to incorporate it through clothes is by wearing distinguishable patterns. A lovely trend is crazy pants. I found a pair in Zara.com that I absolutely love, the print is so beautiful and different. I really like the way it looks from afar and from close up. Another cool pattern is the window pane pattern that was all over runways and is perfect, and is displayed through this blazer from Forever21.com . Not only do I love the pattern, but it an easy thing to style up or down. It's great for chilly spring days.


Hope you all have a great fantastic day, and that just like yin and yang you find a way to balance out your blacks and you whites. XOXO Roni J.