July Flew By

And so did the rest of this summer. I can't believe that in two weeks I'll be heading to college to start the rest of my life. So far away from everything that I know, and love. So far away from everything that's familiar and home to me.
I will be beginning this year far away from home, in the dorm room with two to three new girls that I barely even know. I will have to get used to their faults and their flaws, and will have to fit my flaws, and my faults to them. And after all this hard work, when I get back home once every two weeks for the weekend, when I'm tired, and just need to rely on something comfortable and familiar, my momma is not going to be here.
I have said goodbye to my momma after a two week long journey with both my parents in the entirety of Norway, which is one of the most insanely beautiful spectacular places I have ever been to. It was incredible for both the beautiful landscapes of waterfalls, and lakes, and fjords, and just water in general. God, they have so freaking much water it's not even funny, but also for the beautiful cities they have there like Oslo, Bergen, and Alesund, every single one of which is unique for its own reasons, and its architecture, which you must know is one of my favorite things in the world, and one of the things I find the most beautiful to see in different cities and countries. Some of my favorite places include the beautiful Viking Museum in the outskirts of Oslo. I am usually not a museum person at all, but those freaking Viking ships are freaking incredible. Such elegant woodwork was done on these ships with so many decorative intricate detailing that I almost peed my pants out of pure joy. Another lovely lovely place was the city of Bergen, which is all the way out in the west of Norway, and the old pier that they have restored and placed some stores in. It's just so goddamn beautiful. I also found this adorable freaking cafe in a street called Lille Ovregaten, that's both a cafe and a book store. So beautifully designed, really good coffee, amazing baked goods, some homely, amazing smell of cinnamon, spices, and coffee. If you ever pass by Bergen by any chance, just run there. It's inspired me to want to open a similar place in the future maybe. Making people fall back in love with books, music, and the small beautiful things in life. There's also a very good restaurant called Zupperia in Bergen that makes amazing soup dishes that are so freaking big, and so freaking tasty and heart warming on a rainy day. I have never in my life tasted a clam chowder so delicious.
Alesund is another beautiful city all made out of stone buildings because of a fire that burnt the city down to the ground. Not only is the architecture absolutely beautiful, but they have amazing fish and chips, an adorable glass workshop, and and an amazing little antique shop I spent hours in by the beautiful pier. And the beautiful way between those cities spread like a web of incredible waterfalls, streams, lakes, and fjords. I know I have possibly said beautiful in the past few sentences more than ever in my life all together, but that country is astonishing, remarkably unique and pleasant.
And then we parted ways with my momma. And I didn't cry then, and even though it's choking me up a little right now, thinking about how much I miss her, and need her, and feel like telling her every single thing that's been going on in my life, I just won't. I can't afford to break down so easily.a
Good thing I've been keeping busy in the two weeks since I've come back. Firstly, I've been working as a secretary at my dad's office, and every night since I have been going out, tiring myself out to the max, trying to fit as much in with my friends before all of us leave for college in our different paths.
We went camping this weekend on the beach, and I have come really close with a guy that was in my grade, but we never really spoke too much, and then on Thursday during the little camping trip we just stayed up the entire night, literally the entire night, talking, and he told me about his trip to Greece that he went on with his group of friends a few weeks later than we did, and about his first time, and I told I haven't had my first time, and never even been kissed, and he listened to me like no other straight guy before him. I told him about my stupidity and humiliation with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, and he just didn't even judge. By the way, I saw Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome last night walking in the street, when we passed by in a car, and he looked amazing, and I just reminded myself of how freaking stupid I am.
This morning, though, two of my very good friends left for college, which is yet another goodbye to have said, and then my dad drove out of town to my extended family, and I came back home, and it's all quiet, and dark, and empty. And for the first time since Norway, since saying goodbye to momma, I have time to think. To process my goodbyes, to think about the scary future that I don't know anything about, those eerie moments that I will have, wanting to come back home to momma, and she's far away, and I can't talk to her because of my stupid busy schedule, and my friends leaving, and my stupidity and my cowardice with boys, and all of a sudden after letting it out now, and talking about some of it has broken my promise earlier not to cry. And I'm choking back tears, but they won't listen and stay down, they just fill my eyes until they burn, and there's no way to get rid of that sting besides blinking those tears away.

"Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox years, always a bigger bed to crawl into? 
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?"

SO, if we choke back the tears and talk about some of the things I have loved the month of July that has long been gone, and flew by without me even letting it go. I held onto it's wings tight, I promise, but it didn't care at all, it just took off without noticing the dead weight I was imposing on it in order for it to linger.
Song:
The Girl Running duet by Passenger ft. Jess Chalker. I don't know what about this song, maybe the first verse and the last verse, make me think of the loss of innocence and childhood, which, as you might have been able to see was pretty much the theme of this month, fuck, it's been the main topic this entire year.







Artist:

Bon Iver. He's always been a favorite, but playing his beautiful songs while driving across the beautiful landscapes of Norway was an incredible experience. The pure meaning of joy and serenity to me is waking up from sleep in the back seat, grab an apple, with my parent, passing incredible views, and having songs like towers play in the background.




Make Up Item:
See Sheer by Mac is a beautiful sheer peachy pink color. I bought it new during the month of July at the airport's Duty Free. It's as nude as I can go without looking like someone shot me. I love it because it's light, and not intense, but adds a little bit of color to the face. It's a Lustre finish meaning it looks wet and smooth on the lips, but it's not glossy or sticky. It's slightly rosy, slightly coral, but it's absolutely beautiful. I love it. It's also soft on the lips.

Deodorant:
Dove's Go Fresh, which smells like cucumber and mint, and just kept me fresh this entire months running errands, partying, tanning, and so on. It's just very comfortable, and the smell isn't too perfume-y, but lingers, which makes it perfect for keeping me fresh in this "deafening heat" as they say in The Girl Running.

Perfume:
Number 8 by Abercrombie and Fitch. I FINALLY got my hands on a new bottle after ages of living a sad sad life without it. It can be used by both sexes and smell just as lovely and fitting for either sex. It's clean, but not soap-like smelling which is good for me for staying fresh smelling during the summer. It's also a little sexy, dew to it's spices and ginger tones, but floral. And listen to the weird part, it has jasmine petal tones to it, which is my most hated scent ever, but it smells so good, I honestly can't even detect the strong scent of jasmine.

Shows:
Baby Daddy and Melissa and Joey are back! I just watch the new season like a junkie. My comic relief.
I have also started watching Suburgatory. Delirious.

Books:
I have just finished Pretties and proceeded on to Specials, but these books honestly don't get old. They just keep me on my toes and surprise me every freaking time. I think I'm going to cry when I finish Extras. But hey I've got Eve's second book that came out in April when I was still reading Divergent and Insurgent and stuff, and for some reason I had started Uglies before I read it, and I have the Maze Runner at hand, so I will be filled up to the brim with good books. I am a slow reader as you might have noticed, because I like to read when I'm calm, so I read in Norway a boat load, but I haven't since, because I was stressed out and tired.

Hope you're all having a lovely summer, or winter, if you're in the southern part of the equator! Loves you all, and thanks for being there and letting me take out everything I don't dare say on the outside, even if you don't even care about all my nonsense. XOXO Roni J.
By the way the first picture is from the way from one  city to another on a ferry, the second and third are from Bergen on the old pier, the third and fifth are again on the way from one city to another, and the fourth photo is from Alesund. Hope you enjoyed my little journey in pictures!

My First Kiss Wasn't A Little Like This

Hello there my fantastic friends. 

This month as I have already mentioned in the last post I think is genuinely the craziest month of my life. To my sincere dismay I came back from Greece yesterday after a very very eventful fun trip, but there's just so much that happened beforehand that I can't skip. 

First I hosted a family that I used to be neighbors with when I lived abroad. At first I was really worried about hosting them, because the girl who's my age and I haven't spoken since my visit two years ago. But to be honest it was just like in old times. We shared tons of laughs and we were really getting along well, which made me remember how much I miss her and her humor. We were really really tight back then. 

A day after she left I had to leave for summer camp. I am not kidding you when I say the people there are my family. Throughout the years I've been to several places of the same sort, and for longer periods of time, but never have I been able to call those places home, or the people there my family. In under a year, a year that was crazy eventful, I have met a group of people that were so accepting of me, and of who I am, so familiar, so loving, and for that I am grateful every day. 

During camp it was evident that these people are family to me, and to each other. The last day, when we said our goodbyes, everybody was crying, everybody. All the guys, the guys that always pretend to be big strong men, wept for hours. They are my brothers. 

All except one. 

Throughout the camp I've gotten to know him better, not to speak of the fact that throughout this entire year he's become better and better looking. Wise man, you know the drill, when a new guy shows up he gets a nickname that suits his dominant features or traits. So this guy is a proven genius. All the guys idolize him for his brains, but he's not a cocky jerk. He's sweet and humble about his achievements and success. Anyways, I have worked real close with him the entire camp which made it so easy to fall for him and his charm. Unfortunately he hasn't shown any interest in me the entire time. Not really. I mean in the beginning maybe a little, or maybe I mistook it for interest. 

The thing is we went to a bar the day after camp was over and he kept asking to walk me home. I obviously thought it might mean something but in my stupidity I was upset to realize we just live quite close and he wanted company on his way home. Which is what he got when my friend drove us home in the end. So maybe it was in the intention of having something happen and he regretted it or something, but whatever I was already too occupied with thinking about Greece and about the new people I met that will be going to college with me next year in a meeting the day after camp that made me feel much better about, and much more excited for next year. 

An incident happened at the bar when one guy friend of mine who knows about my never been kissed status got a little drunk and told the guys about it, when I am not too pleased about them knowing, so I denied it saying he doesn't know about the last few things that happened and that I have met a guy that's going to college with me next year and I was with him. They believed it and he apologized the very next day, plus Wise Man wasn't there when they talked about it, so it doesn't matter much to me. I love him nonetheless. 

And then Greece happened. It was a crazy, insanely fun trip. You all know my opinion of alcohol, and I wasn't going to give up my morals there either, but I did drink in moderation, and it was a once in a very long time thing. I do how ever know my limits with drinking very well, and, even when drunk, I am very aware of myself and my surroundings. That is why I wasn't afraid to let go a little for once. My friends were also careful with over drinking, and it made it way easier for us to have fun without being worried that if one of us is missing for a few minutes then she must be dying in a dark corner in an estranged country. 

Our vacation started with a pool party on Monday, that I still do think was the best out of all the parties we have been to there. It was free cocktails, so we had a few, and we met some other friends that came a day before us and the really sweet nice guys that were in their hotel, one of them was crushing on me a little, I've been told by one of the girls, and I also felt it during the party. We had a ton of fun, and being a little drunk I flirted with a guy that hit on me , even though he wasn't to my taste especially because he kept sounding needy and desperate, but also because he wasn't the best looking. He then tried to kiss me, which I avoided desperately, not wanting my first kiss to be with him whatsoever. It did however boost my confidence that both guys were interested in me, and, when we also met some guys from my school, I felt like they were a little flirtatious with me, as well, which made me feel even more confident. 

That night we went to a club, and again I was just a little drunk, so I was looser than usual, and I started dancing with this really really hot guy that hit on me. I would always get so nervous doing this in the past, but Being a little looser than usual, and a lot more confident, I didn't mind much, and we were dancing really close. I mean really close. I felt like a little but of a skank right there, but hey I know I'm not so that's ok. We were dancing like this for... An hour. I'm not kidding you, and he kept asking me if he could kiss me, and me being the frightened little inexperienced child I kept saying no, and, after a while, when I sobered up, I kindly left the poor guy, and neither pair of our lips kissed. Shame, because he was smoken, and quite sweet when we talked. 

The very next day we got a little bit of a tan by the hotel pool which was a lot of fun, after we got up quite late, because we came back in at 5am like the true party animals that we are... Yeah sure whatever. 

In the evening, around 8 we went to a glow paint party to which you get something to cover you up with, that kind of looks like a space suit that we cut into a shorts, and short sleeves suit so that we wouldn't look THAT ridiculous.. It hasn't helped. And when you get in there, besides, you know, the music and the regular party going on, there are huge hoses that shoot glow in the dark paint at you. It was the second most fun party we went to while there right after the pool party. It was just insane. We walked in and then we meet the guys from one of the girls' school, and they're all her friends, one of which is also my neighbor. I, then, spot one of them and look at him and think.. Hmmm... Looking good. And then my brain goes missing. All that's working is just hormones, hormones, hormones. He is what you call "tall, dark, and handsome".  And shirtless, so very shirtless. Yeah, way to help my hormones quite down, dude. So we dance with the guys for a while and Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome is sweet to me, but it's unclear if he's interested in me because he's quite apathetic on the outside, which is a weird thing about me, but I like that about guys. Wise Man is like that, as well. And I talk to him a little, basic information and stuff all the while talking to the other guys, but flashing a few extra flirtatious smiles in his direction to make myself clear without looking desperate, and I can feel sexual tension, but then again he's chill and doesn't show any sign of interest except for a few smiles back at me.  After a while, one of the guys from my school that went to camp with me came up to me fully drunk, and said hello and we hugged and stuff, and usual friendly behavior. And then it got weird. All my friends call me a bee for some reason, it's been explained in the past I would think. And so he starts saying "hey I heard you've stung five already". And by stinging he means I was with five guys in Greece. For some odd reason the guys though that I'm this huge player before the accident, because I keep my love life very on the down low in front of them, because I have been attracted to some of them and I don't feel like having them know I have no love life whatsoever. He however, wasn't there when it slipped out that I have never been kissed, and still thought I'm this major player, and I replied "I can neither confirm or deny" in order to keep it yet again from their public eye. "Oh I was just assuming I haven't really heard this from anyone"-"I haven't confirmed it, though"- "oh"- "I haven't denied it either"- "true, so would you like to sting me?". And then I'm taken aback, because he had never shown any interest in me in that way, and plus he was with one of my friends during the pool party, so I was.. Surprised to say the least. And then I replied, still playful, "sweetie, if I'll sting you I will die, I am a bee after all", which is my friends satyric theory for why I haven't been with anyone yet. Then he replies "if I wanted to I could sting you" and gets closer. "And do you?" - "I'm more of a wasp person myself"- "good"- "I do, though. You can sting me if you want to" oh haha funny joke, what!? "Aww that's sweet, but no thank you" and we keep talking a little and then he leaves, and I keep talking to Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome and his friends for a while, my little drunk guy friend that I had rejected an hour ago comes back and tries to kiss me.. And I am like "hey baby, I love you and you know it, but not like that" in the nicest way possible, and then he calls me a tease, which is fine by me, but we are still cool thank God, and we talked the days afterwords and we were even better than ok. 

Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome sees my friend trying to kiss me and me rejecting him, and he jumps on the opportunity two minutes later and says "it's a little stuffy in here, wanna go outside?" To which I reply "yeah sure" without showing him how eager I was on the inside, 'cause the poor guy would have run away into the sea and would have swam all the way home out of fear. We got to the side where we had a little bit of privacy and then he puts his hands on my waist and we dance together for a while getting closer, and closer, and then in an instant I see his eyes closing and his head tilting to the left, and my mind sobers up from its absence the past hours, and immediately I'm alert and thinking, and bam I tell him not to and burry my face in his chest, because I am too self conscious. 

A minute later we part ways and I immediately think to myself 'are you a fucking idiot? You stupid fucking whore, what the hell's wrong with you!? Not only did you miss out a perfect opportunity, but you also teased the poor guy to death. That was embarrassing. You wanted him you stupid butt face.' And I have yet to calm down from that. I still want to punch myself in the face every time that I can picture his face leaning in. The guy is cute, smart, lives in the same town, he's so tall that you have to stand on your tippy toes to talk to him, which is a freaking big deal being 5'7.5", he's got abbs, a charming smile, beautiful lips, he's friendly and sweet, what the fuck more do you want from your first kiss you fool! And every time I saw him since was really uncomfortable. The girl that's friends with this entire group of guys told me that he asked her to put in a word for him before the whole thing happened saying that I am beautiful, and another friend of mine says he's never been with a girl who's not absolutely stunning, which is a huge compliment, so what the hell.. Huh?

The rest of the stay was fun nonetheless and I got a little bit of a tan and a few new friends, and a lot of confidence that I am pretty enough, that guys that I want could want me back. I am still the dumbest girl on the planet but at least I got the looks down. 

I am now in Oslo to visit my mom who's staying here for half a year. This place is the absolute opposite of everything Greece was, and there's light until 00:00 at night, which is just odd. 

Hope I wasn't hard to bare with my big mouth and tiny brain. Loves you all. Xoxo Roni J.