Up(to no)date

Hey pretty ladies, how are you today?

I'm doing well considering  the circumstances, which are basically a crap load of tests. And the endless tango of "loves me, loves me not" that's going on in my incompetent brain. Flower petal after the other I'm picking them out, and sometimes they end up saying there's nothing there, and sometimes they say there's something, but whatever the petals are saying, whatever the signs might be saying, I doubt them. Whatever the signs point to, immediately my gut feeling points in the other direction. 

Nothing dramatic has happened since the last post, really, which should be concerning, because nothing's going on in my life right now, and that's not great. Big Guy and Mr. Guy have been doing that same thing they always do- confusing me. 

We had a test in biology last week, and we are all taking A.P. bio, so we all ended up in the same place. Mr. Guy kept asking me the most random questions that had nothing to do with the test, or with life on earth really, which, after a while, kind of started sounding like he's seeking my attention. That was weird to me, considering he hasn't been seeking my attention, or seemingly been seeking my attention in a very long time. Big Guy on the other hand just treated me in a casual matter, being nice, wishing me luck, being sweet. The test was divided in two, so after the first part, I sat on the staircase in the hallway with a good friend just talking. So Big Guy comes around and starts asking me how the first part was, and I answered very sweetly and smiled at him, but was cut off midst sentence, because Mr. Guy peered in out of nowhere, and saw that my attention was on Big Guy, and started touching my face, because he's odd like that, and that's what he does when he's trying to get someone's attention. So then Big Guy sees that my attention was diverted onto Mr. Guy, and he starts messing up my hair, so I divert my attention onto him, and then Mr. Guy sees that my attention is shifted to Big Guy and Mr. Guy says something that I didn't necessarily hear, but was supposed to refer to me to perhaps get my attention back, and Big Guy then started touching my face like Mr. Guy does usually, and I mean it was all so weird that by the time the teacher called us in for the next part, I was pushed up against the stairwell's wall, because they were all up in my grill. I was really weirded out by Big Guy's actions, because I used to think he's the rather normal guy, but then again I see that normal's not an option if the guy is good looking.
So then I had many tests and all sorts of things, so I was really looking to dance my stress away. And yet again, third party in a row that Big Guy's been looking at me all the time. Or at least I imagine him looking at me all the time, and I have no idea whether I'm imagining or not, and whether he's looking at me because he likes me, or because I look ridiculous. Quite honestly I could care less, if he thinks I'm ridiculous when I dance, because I am one good catch with a boat load of crazy moves.
One of his friends, though, that showed up in the past parties, as well, is a smoked little salmon swimming in this pond, and all the other fish in the sea really look like clown fish next to this one. He is a good looking chap, and Tiny said that this little fella is actually Tony's best friend, and in her opinion, the best guy he hangs around, because he's serious, hardworking and nice. I doubt I am ever going to have anything with him, because, hey, I can barely get them damn clown fish circling around me, so how will I have him doing it?
It seemed, if I am honest, that the two talked about me a little, because they were whispering, and then looking at me. Or maybe, as usual, I was just imagining, because there's a difference between what's going on around me, and what I think is actually going on around me.
Funny thing happened in the club. They have screens with videos and photos and stuff, going while the music's playing, but then... A clown picture, the scariest clown ever, and it doesn't take much of a clown to scare the crap out of me, appeared on the screen, and I almost started crying... Worst minute of my life.
My sister adopted a cute little puppy to her new apartment, and he's seriously the cutest freaking thing in the world. He's... Precious. I fell in love with him the first second I saw the little guy. I have a new family member, which I am absolutely in love with.
Two days ago, in some weird series of events, we planned a BBQ for a bunch of friends, and I said that I can host it in our garden. Mr. Guy was invited, because he's in that group. I was waiting in my room for a friend, who said she was going to be there early, writing to another friend on Facebook. Since that friend I was writing to lives in a whole different country I write her very long letters. I was in the middle of writing her, and Mr. Guy shows up 40 minutes earlier than was supposed to. I got really nervous about keeping him busy for 40 minutes without getting busy with him, so I asked him if it was ok that I finish up writing to my friend, and he said sure. So we were sitting on my bed in my room, me typing on the laptop, all the while we're keeping an extremely awkward conversation. Then I finish writing but we stay in my room, and he asks me about a girl we both know and says that he knows many people that hate her, and I said "oh, I don't hate her. She's sweet". Then he turns to me, looks me in the eyes, puts his hand on my thigh, and says "you never hate anybody. You're too sweet." To this I basically replied with me running away, saying something along the lines of "I should probably put the Coke in the fridge.." Then we sat outside waiting for the rest to show up, and he picked up my guitar, and started playing. Then he stopped and said "you look really nice today", mind you he said this meanwhile playing the guitar on a moonlit porch.... Then he stopped playing, and asked me "hey, Roni, what's you're favorite song? I feel like impressing you." Dudeeeeee! What now?! So I told him "Candy by Paolo Nutini", and he has to look it up on his cell, and then he needs a capo, but I say I don't feel like going inside to fetch him one, so I say I'll just hold my finger in place for him, and then we just sit there... Playing together... A love song...
And then my friend finally shows up just half an hour too late... Have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Have a fabulous day <3 XOXO Roni J.

Looking For You Again

Hello girls,
how are you? I hope you're doing well.
There was a big party this week. It took place in a club I usually avoid, because in the two previous times I had visited it, my friends got really drunk, and I basically had to be their babysitter the entire night, which is anything but fun, especially when you don't get paid for it, and moreover when you pay quite a large amount of money to get in.
So this time my friends took it down a notch. Most of them didn't drink at all, and those who did, really took care of themselves. I've heard it once that you should drink to be happier, and not to be happy, and I completely agree with it. Because when you drink in order to boost your self esteem, you drink to be a slut, and drink to be happy, the only thing that happens is that you lose all control over the amount of alcohol you pour into your mouth, and end up with all the flaws that you've been trying to hide by drinking, out like all of your dirty laundry. Anyways this isn't a post about my opinions of drinking and alcohol, so I'll go on.
The thing is that when my friends don't drink I find myself having way more fun instead of worrying about them all the time. My dad even noticed it. When he asked me how the party was the next day, and I answered I had a lot of fun, he immediately said "this can mean either one of two things. Either you got drunk, or nobody else got drunk". What can I say? My dad just knows me far too well.
The club we went to is a huge building, and when you walk in there's a room downstairs playing house music, and when you go upstairs it's mostly hip hop and rap music, which our groups of friends prefers in general. So we went upstairs.
My good good friend that we'll call Tiny met up with her boyfriend, whom we'll name Tony, and we didn't want to lose her in the huge club so our group stayed quite close to Tony's group of friends. Big Guy, if you remember him from the past, is in Tony's group of friends, so while dancing we were always close to him.
Me, when I dance, I really don't give much of a crap who sees me, and what they might think of me, and I just let loose, which is part of why I don't need to drink. I just go nuts naturally. And that night especially I decided I'm going to act drunk and high naturally, just really be happy and cheerful, and give off good vibes. And so we were dancing and stuff, and for a moment I thought I saw Big Guy's big blue eyes looking at me, but I wasn't sure if it was because I really saw him looking or because I wanted him to look, which I did, because he is one fine man. And this happened a couple of times throughout the night, but I really wasn't sure about any of it at all. Anyways we'll get back to that in the end.
Either way, I kept looking for Mr. Guy all the time. In clubs it's the worst, because I always feel the need to have him see me looking great. That night, let me tell you, I was looking especially dashing. I just kept looking. As if the moment that he sees me will be the moment when he falls in love with me like I was some Disney princess or some shit.
When I was already certain that Mr. Guy hadn't shown up for the party we went downstairs to the entrance area outside to breathe some air, because it was freaking flaming inside. So we walk outside me, and two other friends, and they spot Mr. Guy, and because they are much closer to him than I am ever going to be, they walk up to him and say "hi", and at first he pays me no attention at all mostly because he's too drunk and I'm standing behind them, using them as a human shield from him. And then he realizes I'm there and say "hi Roni!" very excitedly for some reason, and then gets really close to me, and I look up at him big eyed not really knowing what to say, and he's reallllly close by then, almost too close. And I just stare at him starstruck or something, because I am looking into his big blue eyes not really knowing what to do. As you might have been able to guess, I am weak when it comes to big blue eyes. And then he asks me "Roni, did you drink?" with a mockingly surprised voice, and I say "no, no I didn't", and he says "I think you did". Apparently, I act the part very well without even drinking. So we turn around to leave, and we stop for some reason for a second, and then he places his hand on my lower back, and I just push him off really pissed off like, seriously? No.
So we go back upstairs and I dance a little more feeling like I might have Big Guy's eyes on me, and I let the tension wear off. We then think about leaving, because it's already really late, and we go downstairs to check it out, me and two different friends to the ones from before, and we dance together, and this tall guy who's not especially attractive tries hitting on me, but I kind of reject him gently. And then Mr. Guy arrives, and starts dancing with us. And I'm thinking to myself  ugh no.. And I take the guy who's hitting on me and I start dancing with him trying to push Mr. Guy away from us. He sees us dancing and goes off to dance somewhere else. Then the tall guy that I'm dancing with tries to kiss me, and I just push him back, later encountering with Mr. Guy's eyes, seeing him smile at the fact I pushed the other guy off, and I'm a little pissed, but I decide I just want to dance a little more, and go back home, and think of all the good things rather than focus on stupid Mr. Guy.
We drive back, and I go to sleep at Tiny's house, and when we're going downstairs to her house I ask her, kind of jokingly not expecting anything "hey did you notice that Big Guy was looking at me", and she says "I'm not the only one that has. Even Tony has noticed it". You might not realize how much this means coming from Tony, but I find him to be the most honest guy I know, so him saying this means that he actually noticed something. I then ask her "what do you mean by 'even Tony has..?'", and she says "when Tony and I were sitting for a while, talking, he said 'is there anything going on between Big Guy and Roni?', and I said 'no why?', and Tony said he's seen you guys exchanging looks the entire night", and I was shocked, and weirdly really happy.
I mean, it might mean nothing about me and Big Guy, because I don't know if it was a once in a life time kind of look, and I think that if he had really really wanted me he would have made a move then and there, but then again, after all the bad self esteem, and all the sadness I've been feeling because of Mr. Guy, I just think that boost of confidence is more than enough.
Yesterday, in a completely different situation, Mr. Guy offered me a ride, and I thought about it, and I thought this will only get me back to thinking about him, and I really shouldn't go back there, so I just refused it gently.
I hope this was mildly an interesting update. Love you all, XOXO Roni J.

When In Rome

Hello dear loved ones.
I'm sorry this has taken me literally ages to get to write this post but hectic doesn't begin to describe the state of my past few weeks. I mean, since the trip to Rome itself I've be to a thousand other places, and done a thousand other things, but I guess I should start somewhere, and the trip to Rome is a great place to start.
It was just me and my sister, as kind of a birthday present for the both of us from our parents, which was very gracious of them. We bought a deal for four days and three nights with a flight and all. We stayed at a sweet little hotel really close to Fontana di Trevi, which is on the east bank of the Tevere (Tiber), and real close to the Spanish steps, both of which are absolutely freaking beautiful.
Every day on the trip, we'd wake up to an amazing day, we'd go eat breakfast at the hotel, go touring the city, sit at a cafe to have a small lunch, go on touring the city, sit down to eat fabulous dinners in sweet authentic restaurants, and we had loads of fun.
We really didn't get to do much shopping, because most of the places that we knew of were very high fashion, which is not really in neither of our price ranges, and I am 18, I really don't need to walk around with a Chanel bag. I bought a few things at Brandy Melville, and a few in this really cool thrift shop we found, and I will show all of it in a soon summer haul I will post (sooner than the time it took me until I posted this post hopefully).
We sat in a few wine bars, which is something we're not really used to. To be honest, I don't really like wine, but my sister enjoys it so we'd have it anyways so that she could get the full effect of her Rome experience. My sister and I had some really deep conversations about life, and boys, obviously, boys, and a lot of it. She got a new boyfriend not too long ago, and he's the complete opposite of her ex. Her ex was reserved and never told her how he felt, while her new boyfriend is so open and clear about what he wants, which is good because she, herself, is quite shy, and doesn't like talking about her feeling at all.
Since the trip, I had been extremely freaking busy. I have my school's play coming up April 18th, and because it's a little bit of a musical there are also dance number I participate in, which means I have both acting and dance rehearsals either from noon till 5 in the after noon or going way past that into the late afternoon hours.
Except for those rehearsals, us girl have been going out a whole freaking bunch, because the reharsals start at around noon, and we don't have school before hand because it's the senior musical, and most seniors are in it. So we get to wake up fairly late as opposed to every other day, and we just went out to a few bars (not that I had anything alcoholic to drink, you kinda know my opinion of it), and parties, which I will go into explicit deta

ils in a bit.
 We also planned two weekend trips, one with my friends and the other one with my next year's college mates. On the first trip we were only two girls and seven guys from my grade (including Mr. Guy, surprise surprise). We stayed in the woods that are like ten minutes away from my house, and it was a lot of fun. The guys brought a lot of beers, but I stayed clear as usual, and then Mr. Guy asked "are you going to drink tonight". Obviously I replied with a simple "no", but then the other guys commented that by him asking me that it pretty much means that he was planning on making a move on me, if I got drunk. Ew. The moment they said that I was like.... If he's that much of a wimp, like a bigger wimp than I am, then I really don't think I can continue being attracted to that. I really don't think I can. We had fun that night, and we even had a little bit of a scary moment hearing a girl singing in the woods, which we really thought was a ghost for a few seconds, and it made us shiver our pants off, but soon after we realized it's just a Karaoke party taking place nearby. When we woke up in the morning, we had a short hike in the woods to the nearby village where they have real good restaurants. We got to a sweet cheap restaurant at around 2pm, where they serve Paella. We ordered two plates of it to share, Mr. Guy and I shared one, and two other guy friends of mine shared, as well. When the two dishes reached the table we realized they are FREAKING HUMONGOUS, like a mountain of rice and goodness.
So we start eating, and I'm eating like a true lady, one bite at a time, and then we realize that me and Mr. Guy have had more than the other couple, which makes it a little bit of a challenge for them and they try to beat us by having more, but soon they are more than done. And then they realize we beat them more so because I had a lot to eat, more so than because Mr. Guy had a lot to eat, and then he sees that as a challenge. In the end he barely beats me, and they are all astounded. They never thought a girl that's actually rather thin could beat them in an eating competition, and that realllyy hurt their pride... Boohoo. The funnier thing about it is that Mr. Guy walked out of the restaurant barely holding himself up he was so full, and on the other hand there's me, almost skipping my way out the restaurant, all light and breezy. The entire car ride home he barely manages to say anything, but when he does say something he says something along the lines of "you're insane". Got beat by a girl, and tries to make her look bad in order to get his self esteem up.... Real attractive and manly qualities (NOT.... ).
Later that Saturday, we all went to a party, and when I got there my friend was talking to him. My friend has a boyfriend that wasn't coming to the party (probably too tired of the trip earlier that day, and possibly ashamed of his defeat, being one of the guys in the other couple who share that very same dish). So Mr. Guy, who's really good friends with that guy, whispered to her "shame you got no one to make out with", and then she said "at least you do", and pushed him towards me, not knowing that I'm not interested in him anymore because the entire day he was acting like a sissy. Anyways I was really pretty, wearing a cute, white summer dress, that has white mash or lace detailing around the neck, and it's flowy and in the ultraviolet lighting it was all purple and flaring. So after he's been pushed towards me he comes and whispers in my ear "you're absolutely nuts", and I look at him in the most sheepish look like Hey, I'm innocent, and he says "I know you're not innocent", and looks me in the eyes with his electric blue eyes, and for a second all I can think of is hormonal, rather forgetting that he was acting like a girl an instant ago, and then he caresses my waist, and I walk away.


The picture is of the place where the party took place before it started, one of my friends sent me.

The entire party a ton of guys started hitting on me, which was really flattering, but nothing came out of it. The party over all was really tons of fun. They handed out body paint that glows in the dark, and everybody was really colorful, and glowing, which always makes your heart light up a little. The music was much better than in the past few parties that I've been to, and that always makes me feel better in a party, when I can sing the lyrics out and all.
Then I was in the college trip. It's a real small college, and it's rather a year of studies, but you get no degree from it. So there's only one year, and only like 48 people in that year. Anyways, the people are almost all very lovely, but I got scared out of my mind and really depressed, realizing that I am not going to be in high school forever, and live at home forever, in the same familiar environment that I oh so love and appreciate.
We also went to the big city one night to celebrate one of the girls' birthday, and we took her to see stand up comedy. The opening act was actually better than the guy we came to see, but it was really funny anyways. There was a lot of drama with a few of the girls, and they did what pisses me off the most, where they decided everything for the birthday girl, because she's considerate, and doesn't want them to be upset, but they kinda forgot it's her day along the way. We then went out to eat, and it was really nice. We got back so late that there were no more buses from the train station back home.
Sorry that it has taken me so long to post this, and I really crammed it all in here but I had a lot of fun the past few weeks, and I had gone on a lot of adventures, and I hope you're having as good of a time as I am having. Have a great Easter tomorrow, if you're celebrating it, great ending of Passover if you're celebrating, and if you're Bahai, which would be really cool, hope you had a great New Year's on March 21st, the day of the equinox.
Happy 1st birthday to my blog! <3 XOXO Roni J.

Off I Go

Hey there!
How is everybody? Me? I'm doing great. I miss my parents who are on vacation very much, and there's literally nobody home, but I, myself, am flying out tonight with my friends on a delegation. Yes, I know it's been about two months only since my last time ad that these are crazy a splurges, but that's why I'm not yet learning to drive. I find that I care about opportunities like these more than I care about driving as of now.
I'm packed already with the fines of my winters clothes that have been praying to break out of their dusty spots in my closet. It has even started raining outside which is just lovely.
Last night we went to a party. It was loads of fun we found a 100 bill so we could pay for the way back home with it which was awesome. We danced until our backs and feet were throbbing. A few of my new guy friends danced with us, and this made me really glad that I gave up trying to fit in with another group of guy friends last year. This seems to be the right choice as they wouldn't even say hi to me yesterday and the new group were so sweet and danced with us and stuff. This goes to show how much I've changed in order to be myself.
The guy I've told you about a few posts back then tries to say hi to me exactly when I turned around which then resulted in me seeming like I didn't want to say hi to him which we all know couldn't be more false, and he pretended to be offended which I, then, didn't know why. That is until my friend told me what had just happened. On one hand I feel bad for not saying hi. On the other hand it feels really good to know he noticed me more than he had noticed any one of the other girls. On the very last hand, though, he was drunk I'm afraid. Now I am not delusive. I know that most guys these days drink and smoke. He doesn't smoke which is already an up side, but I still am hoping to find someone who's both attractive to me, yet doesn't fool around with these things which to me seem absolutely (haha name of alcoholic beverage) pointless and stupid but who am I to judge. I haven't yet come close to even kiss a guy because I'm so idealistic, a fact of which I'm proud of at times, but also prevented me this far from having a romantic relationship with someone who's really attractive to me.
Here's the big fight I have with myself basically every day. Should I give up my far high standards and maybe get to be with a guy who I'm attracted to or should I fight for my morals so I don't regret giving them up, but feel like maybe I've missed out on being with someone that's really great. As of now, sticking with my morals has been picked over and over considering I'm a big fat fried chicken so even if I gave up my morals I probably wouldn't have done anything as well as seeing that if I gave up my morals I really wouldn't bid someone that great. To be great he has to withstand my standards.
Hope this wasn't too much of a blabber. Talk to you as soon as I get back.
XOXO Roni J.