Up(to no)date

Hey pretty ladies, how are you today?

I'm doing well considering  the circumstances, which are basically a crap load of tests. And the endless tango of "loves me, loves me not" that's going on in my incompetent brain. Flower petal after the other I'm picking them out, and sometimes they end up saying there's nothing there, and sometimes they say there's something, but whatever the petals are saying, whatever the signs might be saying, I doubt them. Whatever the signs point to, immediately my gut feeling points in the other direction. 

Nothing dramatic has happened since the last post, really, which should be concerning, because nothing's going on in my life right now, and that's not great. Big Guy and Mr. Guy have been doing that same thing they always do- confusing me. 

We had a test in biology last week, and we are all taking A.P. bio, so we all ended up in the same place. Mr. Guy kept asking me the most random questions that had nothing to do with the test, or with life on earth really, which, after a while, kind of started sounding like he's seeking my attention. That was weird to me, considering he hasn't been seeking my attention, or seemingly been seeking my attention in a very long time. Big Guy on the other hand just treated me in a casual matter, being nice, wishing me luck, being sweet. The test was divided in two, so after the first part, I sat on the staircase in the hallway with a good friend just talking. So Big Guy comes around and starts asking me how the first part was, and I answered very sweetly and smiled at him, but was cut off midst sentence, because Mr. Guy peered in out of nowhere, and saw that my attention was on Big Guy, and started touching my face, because he's odd like that, and that's what he does when he's trying to get someone's attention. So then Big Guy sees that my attention was diverted onto Mr. Guy, and he starts messing up my hair, so I divert my attention onto him, and then Mr. Guy sees that my attention is shifted to Big Guy and Mr. Guy says something that I didn't necessarily hear, but was supposed to refer to me to perhaps get my attention back, and Big Guy then started touching my face like Mr. Guy does usually, and I mean it was all so weird that by the time the teacher called us in for the next part, I was pushed up against the stairwell's wall, because they were all up in my grill. I was really weirded out by Big Guy's actions, because I used to think he's the rather normal guy, but then again I see that normal's not an option if the guy is good looking.
So then I had many tests and all sorts of things, so I was really looking to dance my stress away. And yet again, third party in a row that Big Guy's been looking at me all the time. Or at least I imagine him looking at me all the time, and I have no idea whether I'm imagining or not, and whether he's looking at me because he likes me, or because I look ridiculous. Quite honestly I could care less, if he thinks I'm ridiculous when I dance, because I am one good catch with a boat load of crazy moves.
One of his friends, though, that showed up in the past parties, as well, is a smoked little salmon swimming in this pond, and all the other fish in the sea really look like clown fish next to this one. He is a good looking chap, and Tiny said that this little fella is actually Tony's best friend, and in her opinion, the best guy he hangs around, because he's serious, hardworking and nice. I doubt I am ever going to have anything with him, because, hey, I can barely get them damn clown fish circling around me, so how will I have him doing it?
It seemed, if I am honest, that the two talked about me a little, because they were whispering, and then looking at me. Or maybe, as usual, I was just imagining, because there's a difference between what's going on around me, and what I think is actually going on around me.
Funny thing happened in the club. They have screens with videos and photos and stuff, going while the music's playing, but then... A clown picture, the scariest clown ever, and it doesn't take much of a clown to scare the crap out of me, appeared on the screen, and I almost started crying... Worst minute of my life.
My sister adopted a cute little puppy to her new apartment, and he's seriously the cutest freaking thing in the world. He's... Precious. I fell in love with him the first second I saw the little guy. I have a new family member, which I am absolutely in love with.
Two days ago, in some weird series of events, we planned a BBQ for a bunch of friends, and I said that I can host it in our garden. Mr. Guy was invited, because he's in that group. I was waiting in my room for a friend, who said she was going to be there early, writing to another friend on Facebook. Since that friend I was writing to lives in a whole different country I write her very long letters. I was in the middle of writing her, and Mr. Guy shows up 40 minutes earlier than was supposed to. I got really nervous about keeping him busy for 40 minutes without getting busy with him, so I asked him if it was ok that I finish up writing to my friend, and he said sure. So we were sitting on my bed in my room, me typing on the laptop, all the while we're keeping an extremely awkward conversation. Then I finish writing but we stay in my room, and he asks me about a girl we both know and says that he knows many people that hate her, and I said "oh, I don't hate her. She's sweet". Then he turns to me, looks me in the eyes, puts his hand on my thigh, and says "you never hate anybody. You're too sweet." To this I basically replied with me running away, saying something along the lines of "I should probably put the Coke in the fridge.." Then we sat outside waiting for the rest to show up, and he picked up my guitar, and started playing. Then he stopped and said "you look really nice today", mind you he said this meanwhile playing the guitar on a moonlit porch.... Then he stopped playing, and asked me "hey, Roni, what's you're favorite song? I feel like impressing you." Dudeeeeee! What now?! So I told him "Candy by Paolo Nutini", and he has to look it up on his cell, and then he needs a capo, but I say I don't feel like going inside to fetch him one, so I say I'll just hold my finger in place for him, and then we just sit there... Playing together... A love song...
And then my friend finally shows up just half an hour too late... Have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Have a fabulous day <3 XOXO Roni J.

Saying Goodbye

Hey girls,
don't get freaked out by the title this does not mean by any way that I'm ditching you, but I had  to talk to you about something that's been weighing me down.
I'm sure this probably happens to everybody and surely in a much worse way than it happened to me, but today I said a rough goodbye to someone. That someone is my dog. She lives with my aunt and uncle, so I won't see her again before they put her down tomorrow. She is a beautiful dog, smart, kind and innocent, and she is so human; more human than a lot of other people I know. We named her Joy when we first got her, and the truth is she really did bring us all joy.
Lately, though, she hasn't been feeling too good, she was weak and old, and she was diagnosed with a tumor. She is not as full of joy as she once were. She can barely get up or wiggle that cute little tail of hers. I knew I had to see her before she was put down, and hence I went over and sat down with her for a while, hugged her, tried to ease her pain as much as I could, but I realized I have no healing powers in my hands, and after an hour or so I left her.
I thought that saying goodbye to her would be better than what had happened to me the last time I lost someone that was close to my heart. She was my nanny when I was just a tiny little thing, and she had diabetes for a long time before she had passed, but I didn't want to see her hurting so bad I guess, and so I put off seeing her for a long time, and then she passed away, and I was so full of shame and regret that I still haven't gotten over the fact that I should have at least paid her the respect she deserved and come and visit her.
My rule to myself in life is to never do something that I know I will not be proud of, and when I do something that I'm not entirely proud
of, to not regret it and look on the bright side of doing it.    "You're gonna have to leave me now, I
This was the first time I actually really regretted                  know. I'll see you in the sky above, in
something that I've done, or rather haven't done,                  in the tall grass, in the ones I love.You're
and couldn't look past the guilt to the bright side of it.         gonna make me lonesome when you go"
When I went to see Joy, my nanny's funeral kept popping
into my head and I thought that this was the right thing to do, but it didn't hurt any less. I didn't feel guilty, but I saw her in her misery and all I could wish was that there truly is a heaven, and that she gets to be the first in line to go through the gates of it.
I'm sorry for the rather sad post. I just really had to share you know?
On a brighter note...

Here's an outfit of the day from a while back.
The polka dotted cropped top is vintage from my mother's closet. The black high waisted jeggings I think were from Urban Outfitters, but I was gifted them so I don't know. The necklace again is from Michal Negrin. If you want the link to her site, I posted it a while ago so look in previous posts. The earrings are from H&M last year, and the shoes I wore are my Aldo black sandals that have been in basically every post.
Take care! Roni J.