Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.

Working 8 To 3 (July Favorites)

Hello hello pretty girls. And boys. Are there any boys and the crowd. If so, will you please stand up so we can see you? Just kidding. It's the computer. How will I see you?!
Sorry, I'm having a little bit of a nervous break down as I have been getting back from China, which I will tell you all about in a different post (sorry I have a lot on my heart), then I got snatched up by my father to replace his secretary who's traveling to all sorts of places at the moment even though I was sick (probably caught something on the plane), then got snatched up by a friend's acquaintance to walk her dog every evening, and soon my uncle needs me to kittysit his cat.
I am swomped! I haven't even fully gotten over whatever bug I got on the flight and already I have not one, not two, but three jobs, and the amount of will power I have right now stands at about the amount of will power it takes to sit on the couch all day, or, when I really am feeling better, the amount of will power it takes to go to the beach with my friends. It's summer vacation for crying out loud. Why did I ever agree to this?

I do have to admit, though, that all of these things are really for the better. I mean I don't do enough sports activities as is, so walk the dog is a really nice daily sport, and that cute little puppy is just so worth the time. I mean, if I have to spend an hour with anyone, I am really happy it's with this puppy and not a list of many other people I would go nuts after only walking with them once, and surely after doing so every day of the week for at least the rest of the summer break.

And the office job, although hard, is a lot of money for me and for my trip to Poland very soon, it helps me spend more time with my busy busy daddy, whom I've missed very much while being away for two weeks, and it teaches me some basic life skills. Nonetheless, I hate this job.

The kittysitting is really getting money for nothing, I feed the cat, give it water, change it's sand in what I like to call it the "oops I did it again" box, and I get to help my uncle which is a great man that has helped me so much over the years with math and chem.

Over all it is quite a positive thing to be working, and I do get to earn some money for myself rather than keep asking my parents for it. They know I work hard at school and come home from school very late, so they never say no, but I know that with both my trips, and my sister being abroad, and my brother's studies, and their up comming trip, I really don't want to put more weight on their shoulders.
It does suck though when everybody is going out and I have to be the Debby Downer and tell them that I have work in the morning over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and ova, and ova, and ova again.

Now that this is off my chest I can make some room for the more important stuff. The things I would spend all the money I'm earning right now over and over and over again. MYYY favorites. *Sigh of relief*

* For starters, as I have yet to make a haul of the things I bought while in China this is something you haven't seen yet. I actually didn't buy it in China. I bought it while I was in the duty free here, but it is a new Mac lipstick. I love me some lipsticks, and you know it, but lately I have been using my old-er ones much much less. It is the one, the only, cremesheen finish of a pink deliciousness, On Hold.

It is very pigmented. Slightly frightening for the woman who goes for nudes, but it is the most gorgeous shade of pink, especially suitable for people with blue or green undertones to their skin like, well, me (olive tones and stuff). It goes on smoothely like all of the cremesheens, is moisturizing, and for me it doesn't wear off very quickly, either. Very recommended. Have been wearing that and my friend's Russian Red almost the entire stay in China. Must get Russian Red. It's stunning.

* Another favorite for this month are my Birkestocks. I walked around in those everywhere, all the time, in China and back home. They are super duper comfortable shoes. They are good for almost everyday activity, this color (olvie suede) is indistructable and suits every outfit. I just love love love these. They were my go to shoe and I brought so many more pairs, but just didn't use them.

* My favorite song of the month of July must must be Hey Jude by the Beatles (duhh). While saying goodbye to everybody we've met in China we heard this song play in the background and now it shall forever remind me of the time I've had. I have always liked it, but now that it relates to all that happened at camp.... It's just a whole new song. Plus! They sang it in the opening ceremony for the Olympics. BEST THING EVERR! Love the Olympics.

*Next favorite is.... How surprising, the Olympics. I love watching all of the sports played out, and although I think it is basically legal torture of humans, it is very entetaining. I do, however, feel really bad for those who get hurt, or look like they had to go through hell and back to get to where they got, or those who's coaches give them the evil eye once they fail. Congratulations to all the winners so far. As you know I'm also a fan of ancient Greece so this just adds a little something something to my craving of Greek history. Glad It's not over yet.

*Favorite sport in the Olympics, by the way, is beach volleybal. I love volleyball to pieces and the beach volleyball makes it all the more summery and fun. Wish I had a spot on the beach where I could play beach volleyball.

* My favorite thing to wear this month, and every summer month, are DRESSES. So airy and comfortable to slip into, not sweaty, girly, and chic.

*Favorite place in the world currently is the fake market in Shanghai. Oh what a place. So many beautiful things. I didn't buy much, though. I bought a lot but considering the price I am really proud of my self. I also loved bargaining with the sales people. SO much fun. SO MUCH FUN. It is a problem for shopoholics though. It gets addictive.

Have a great day you guys. Take a sad song and make it better! <3 XOXO Roni J.