Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.

Here's To.... (April Favorites)

Hello girls!
How have you been doing lately?
I have been doing better with the whole stress situation, and things are a little more calm again.
I have had a few things in April that really are worth toasting to:
Here's to being able to handle stress, and jump over every hurdle that's in my way even though I hate running.
Here's to being able to show myself that I am so much better than I give myself credit for.
Here's to learning how to stand up for myself, who I am, what I believe in, and what's important to me.
Here's to taking the space I need desperately, to stepping back, relaxing, to being selfish as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else.
Here's to knowing that being selfish (obviously as long as it doesn't hurt anybody) is human,
 allowed, and even necessary.
Here's to knowing what I want and achieving like a little princess rather than bawling and not getting myself anywhere.
Here's to looking forward into the future rather than digging into the past.
Here's to getting over people (not only guys) that do you wrong.
Here's to getting past issues and to forgiving.
Here's to knowing who I am, and not letting anybody, NO FREAKING BODY, tell me whom                                                                              You ain't got the right to tell me
I should be like or what I should be like.                       When and where to go, no right to tell me
Here's to doing what I think or feel is right.                  Acting like you own me lately
Here's to doing what IS right.                                        Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
Here's for the past knowing where to stay.
Here's for loving the world.                                         
Here's to complimenting others
Here's to loving who I am.
Cheers!

Mis favoritos son:

* Perfume! This month's favorite perfume of mine is Escada's "Escada". This perfume is sincerely SO good. It's smells like what angels would sound like if that makes any sense at all. It is pure, clean and fresh, which are all the things I would like to smell like in the sweaty months of the summer, but I'm on my last few drops and I haven't really seen it in drugstores, so hopefully when I go on the delegation in July (HURRAY!) I will find it in the duty free.
Fragrance Notes: . Notes include Bergamot, Black Currant, Leafy Greens, Cucumber, Italian Lemon, Sea Breeze Accord, Freesia, Honeydew, Magnolia, Jasmine, Muguet, Rose, Orange Blossom, Peony, Amber, Musk, Nectarine, Vanilla, Orris, Patchouli, Sandalwood.
Usually I absolutely despise scents with jasmine in them, so the fact that I like it so flipping much means a lot.

*Trend! My favorite trend for this month is sleeveless button up shirts! I will do a haul soon and show you the two I got from H&M, but here's an example from Urban Outfitters that I wanted to get really badly, but I haven't gotten around to buying it. Oh, well.


* Face wash! My favorite face wash was given to me by a friend that doesn't like this, and I used it when I slept over at her house. Apparently she ran out of hers while being abroad so she bought it instead and didn't like it. This thing is miraculous! The Clean & Clear blackhead clearing daily scrub is just one of the best face washes I've used and it is so very cheap. It is oil free, but even though I have dry to normal skin it's moisturizing in the right way. I don't use it everyday, because it's a scrub, which can irritate the skin and all, but it is GREAT.


*Concealer combo! I have really no right to complain about acne or whatever, but my under eye circles can look like a rainbow on a good day. These products are what I feel like do the best job in covering those babies up. First I put a real thin layer of the Garnier roll-on that is supposed to have caffeine that wakens your eyes in the morning, and cooling ingredients that are supposed to de-puff. I got the formula that is a little tinted, but in my opinion it is a little too orange, which is good for a corrector under the concealer so that the rather toneless concealer will not look blue. The concealer is good for both covering up circles, and for covering up acne. This concealer is PUPA's stick concealer in the shade 01 if anyone was wondering. Really both are amazing on their own, but in my case, with all the lack of sleep and the stress, the answer is BOTH.

*Mascara! Again PUPA's product, the Diva's Lashes mascara by them, which really volumizes your lashes and gives great definition. I'm still on the hunt for a more elongating one, so for any ideas and suggestions, hit the comments!

*Blush! Victoria's Secret's Very Sexy blush in Runway. It has two shades of pink that are really pretty. One is really shimmery, though, so anyone that doesn't like it can still use the side with the non-shimmery blush color which is completely matte. They're a peachy tone, but leaning more towards pink, so they look super natural, even though in the container they are SCAREY bright.

*Bronzer! Jade's Indian Wood bronzer is a shimmery rose-gold like tone. I like the shimmer because it adds dimensions to my face and gives it a natural looking glow that I don't have because of my pretty dry skin. If you don't like it STEP AWAY FROM IT, for your sake, really. Its tone enables it to multifunction as blush, as well.

* Lip product! Sephora's lip gloss in Pink Ballerina is the most beautiful light shade of pink that gives your lips the most natural glossy look. I have had the sampke size for forever now, and it is really holding up. Its texture is not sticky, and very moisturizing, but to be honest, although the smell is nice, the taste is a little iffy.

* Person! Honestly, and this is going to sound ridiculous, but my math teacher. She helped get more sure of myself and get through all the tests with good grades. She helped me feel better about myself and calm the heck down rather than FREAK OUT!

* Pride! My sister is finally decisive and decided on doing something useful for what she loves. She loves fashion as much as I do if not three times as much, and she decided on doing a local designers sale this Friday. I am so proud of her. Even the press was making an announcement about it.

* Singer! Olly Murs- this guy can sing! I love him so freaking much, for his cute upbeat music (for me that is upbeat, since I listen to depressing music all the time. Oopsies). I love his lyrics, which, to me, are the most important part of the song.

*Song! Anna Sun by Walk the Moon is definately my most played over and over song this month. Cheerful and cute, and the lead singer's moves just add on to this really, sincerely lovely song.  Give it a listen.




That's all girls! Love you very much! XOXO Roni J.
Here's to the month of May.
Cheers!