Burning Up

Well hello there. It's not everyday that I pull a Jonas Brothers' song out of my ass just like that, but it is so fitting considering I am burning up. Not for anyone in particular, hell no. I haven't been any less interested in anyone since I was like 4. I am burning up, though, God am I burning up. Fever. That's what I have. Oh and tonsils the size of a tennis ball each. Fun.
So yea. I basically have to drink all my foods and miss out a ton of things in college. Not fun at all really.
I got some good news that the film I made senior year got into a big international film contest in Hollywood, so I might be traveling there the end of this month. It's a great honor, and so rewarding, to know that after all that I have put into that stupid film, after all that I did for this stupid film, it's finally starting to pay off. A little. A little at a time.
So this is my little short update that's probably not really satisfying for you in any way shape or form, but it's time to take some medicine and fall back asleep. <3 XOXO Roni J.

Me Augusta!!

Hello there, my lovely readers.
I'm guessing the most of you are back at school right now, and I want you to know how jealous I am of you. I hope I will have time to post a few outfit ideas for you this week, but seeing as I am moving out of the house next week, I have quite a lot on my mind.
So today, rather than being infinitely late with my August favorites like I was last month, I decided to do it today. But first, I have a few updates.
The whole thing with Frenchie really freaked me out the first day after, which is when I wrote the last post. That's the reason I sounded way more terrified, and way more horrified by what had happened the day before. In reality, it wasn't that bad, but I was just really really embarrassed by everybody knowing, and really afraid I was no good, and really scared for some reason. I became vulnerable, which is something I am not used to, to say the least. That day, though, he asked me if I want to do something again, to which I declined, because I was really freaked out, but at least it calmed that little part of me that was worried that I was absolutely horrible, and that nibbled on my self esteem, unrightously so.
A day later he offered that I come over to Baron's garage, where they are staying right now, and I said yes. What? This prude? Agreed to come over to be one on one with a French hottie in a garage where they have a bed? Oh wow. What a progress that we've made.
When I came over, I was uncomfortable, yet again, and I kind of stayed as far as possible from him without being too insulting to his manliness, but I'm pretty sure he could sense that I was a bit astranged. I suggested that we watch a movie, so that I could avoid the makeout session as much as possible, to delay it. We watched Iron Man, because I haven't watched it, and the idea of watching a romantic comedy instead was just an unbearably agonizing thought. In all honesty, me being a big fan of super hero movies, and especially Marvel's, I didn't love the movie, which is weird, 'cause it's said to be one of the better ones. Whatever. That's not the point. During the movie dear Frenchie came to sit closer and closer, and then pulled the arm around my shoulder trick. I didn't look at him even once from the fear that something might actually happen. But the movie ended. I got up, and said that I should probably leave soon, because I have work the next day, but then he kissed me. Escape plan fail.
And then we stand there, kissing, for a minute or so. It's just much better, and less stressful, obviously, than the first time. He then suggests that we go up to the bed, and don't judge me here, but I said yes, because I know my limits, and I know that if he tries anything I will not mind kicking him in the baby maker. So we went up to the bed, and kissed a little more, nothing more than that. We also talked a little. I found it hilarious when he tried complimenting me saying that I was a good kisser, and me, being the cynicist I am, I laughed it off, and he said "no really, I swear". And then he went on and added "so please don't go for easy guys", and then I looked at him with the 'Oh 'cause you were so hard to get' look, and then he chuckles, and says "ok, fine, I'm sorry". But seriously, what the heck are you saying that for? You're leaving, what is now tomorrow. Why do you think you have an impact on how I live my life further. It was just a really dumb comment.
Never mind that though, I had a good time with him. It wasn't the perfect date, and I am surely not as attracted to him, as I have been to other guys in the past, but it was very sweet. After a while of talking we just fell asleep, and then Baron came to pick me up, and take me home. The awful thing about it, is that Baron didn't show up alone *MAY HE BE DAMNED* *AMEN*, he has to being all of the guys to his garage so that they could hang out later..... ARE YOU FCKN OUT OF YOUR MIND>!!? They were so amuzed by the sight of me leaving the garage. I didn't mind much and I said "hi" to all of them. I'm prideful, and I don't intend on having a bunch of kids interrupt my self growth.
The very next day they went to a club, all the boys I mean, including Frenchie. I didn't expect him to keep his abstinence at all. I know he was passing through, and I am just another expirience of the country that he got to have. And I was ok with it. That's why I didn't have any problem when the guys tagged a photo of him on Facebook saying "Frenchie's gonna get laidddd". I really didn't. He hasn't spoken to me since the night before, and I was like, yea that's what it was.
The day after that, though, I went to a bar for a girls' night out with two of my friends. My friend introduced me to this ok looking guy, I mean he's attractive, but not my thing at all, and she kind of pushed me to dance with him, which I did, because dancing is harmless. He tried to kiss me a few times, but I rejected him, not because I felt obliged to, or obligated to Frenchie or some other messed up idea, but because I didn't want him enough. I kept dancing with him, and my stupid friend snapped a picture of us dancing, nothing too racy, because I am classy as shit, and sent it to the girls. The girls who were out with the boys, the boys who took the girls' phones and saw the picture, the picture of me with a boy, a boy who's not Frenchie, Frenchie who's their friend.
They see it and start texting me, I'm not sure if they were serious about any of it. "How dare you do this to him?! He saved himself for you last night. He deserves better"... Seriously? Firstly, you're my friends before you were his, secondly, I wasn't with anybody, not because of him, but just 'cause, thirdly, I didn't expect him to keep abstinent, because, come on we all knew it was more than temporary. It's just a few days' summer romance little thing. Why then, in heaven's sake, would anybody, him or any other guy on the planet, expect me to stay away from others for him.
He hasn't talked to me since then, but every day the guys would ask me if I want to see him again, and I would like to think that it's not because he thought I was some whore, I hope he remembered that I was so painfully shy, and knows that that isn't something that dies out so quickly. And if he doesn't it's a shame. Because I am pretty damn amazing, and for him to judge me based upon something that's not even true, then it was nice meeting you, but I am soooo glad you're gone.
And now he's really gone. And I feel kind of blah. Not necessarily because he left, I mean, not because he's the one who left, but because I feel like no one else is waiting in line to replace him. It's just that it was a bit of excitement. Something new that was going on. And now it's gone with him. To France.
Another thing that's been going on is all of my friends going to different colleges. I am going off to college September first, but that will be talked about in a few moments. The thing is most left before me. Some surprised me incredibly with how much they text me, and how much they want to be involved and know about everything that's been going on with Frenchie, and all other stuff, while as others just disappear and disapoint.
Tiny has gone off about a week and a half ago. She and I got so close this past year. She IS my best friend along with another girl. The fact is that she was the first person I wanted to know about the whole Frenchie debacle (wasn't a debacle really, but whatever). But she wasn't here, and she didn't have time to text or answer her phone, and when she came back home for the weekend, and she said we have to meet up, which I agreed to. We made plans twice and each time I had to call her in to hear that she has to cancel, instead of have her call me and say that.
So I wrote her this big letter, saying I know how hard it is, but she made time for other people that take her for granted many times, and I find that she hasn't found time for someone like me. I just think honesty, while being quite nice about it, is the best policy, because I don't want to resent her.
She called me up the next day, and started explaining herself, not really hitting the points I was trying to make, and super justifying, instead of listening to me she just tried to show that she has it really bad, and at hearing that, obviously, I couldn't fight her. I just heard her cry and I tried to get her to stop, and see the bright side in being there, and I just cried with her. She is my best friend and I hate hearing her hurt, even if I am hurt or angry or upset, I would prefer her happiness over my own.
So there's that, and there's also the stress of moving out. On Sunday. I'm driving out there with my dad tomorrow to move the basic stuff like a blanket, and pillows, and other stuff like that, but I am about to cry my eyes out. I am so so stressed out, and don't want to leave home, and my friends who are staying here. I just don't feel like leaving my dad on his own, or living in a room that's not mine with three other girls or so. I am such a privacy seeker, and I don't even know what these girls are going to be like, or who they are at all. The college registration tries to place different girls in the room together in order to create friendships between unexpected people, so they save it for last minute for you to find out who you're rooming with.
So this is what's been going on.

Now to my favorites, which is probably something that you all are a little bit more interested in:
Unfortunately, I don't really have any beauty/fashion favorites. I haven't bought anything new, and I kind of stocked up on the same things I've been using for a while. I did buy a lot of clothes, but I will try to incorporate them in the back to school outfits.

*Movie*- Perks Of Being A Wallflower. The movie is seriously such a good movie. It's a little bit of comedy, but a lot of drama. Deals with a lot of things that us little teenager bubbleheads deal with like relationships, love, friendships, loneliness. I think it was done absolutely beautifully, the scenery, the picture quality, the outfits, the music, it's all amazing. And I am a big fan of Emma Watson and Logan Lerman, so I absolutely loved it, and I highly, highly recommend watching it. I will soon go the book as well, as soon as I kind of forget the story line, which, by the amount of time it's been taking me to read books, and good books at that, will go by faster than expected.

*Song*- It's an unexpected twist to my everyday mellow playlist- John Newman's Love Me Again. The song is catchy, deep, intense, but also upbeat. It has, both in music, and in the music video, a bit of a retro vibe that might be a little reminiscent to the disco era, disco music, and 70's and 80's clothes. I love it. I think that the fact that the lyrics are so... Intense and different, a person admitting to a mistake for treating someone he loved like a piece of sheep meat, is the reason I love this song. Watch the video to the very end. I found the end hilarious. I laughed so hard.

Another more mellow, and more fitted song that I have listened to a lot this month is Turn The Page by Matt Hires, which I have posted two posts ago. As opposed to Love Me Again, this song was relating to me on a more personal note. All the things that are ending, and I'm sad to see them end, although they bring new beginnings with them make this song this month's official anthem for me.

*T.V. Show*- Heroes. By far the best show I've seen in a while, and I'm only halfway into the first season. It is a great drama filled, thrilling show. I have not been this excited to watch another episode with any other Show in a long long time.

Thanks a lot for reading, my love bugs.
XOXO Roni J.

A Tongue Twister

It had all started a few days ago, when... Well, just read about it in the last post.
I promised I would go out with the entire group that consisted of Baron, Ginger, Blondie, Frenchie, and a few more people, when I didn't go out the night before, because I was exhausted, and they kind of came for me.
At first I went to a friend's house to watch a movie. We shall call her Mayo. Mayo is one of my best friends, if not my best, and I spend a whole lot of time at her house because I obviously like her, but I also love her mom and her older brother. Quite frankly I have a small little tiny miniature crush on her older brother. He's such a nice guy. The funniest. Cough.  I love him... Cough. And I can't remember the name of the movie but it was a futuristic movie from the 90's with Tom Cruz in it. It was so strange but it was quite good quality for a movie from the 90's. I think most of it was really this good because I was with them, and they're my favorites, but.. Yeah...
And then we were already late to meet everybody up where we had initially planned to hang out in, so they came over to a park by Mayo's house.
At first I was... SUPER nervous. I barely managed to talk to him. Mostly I just kind of did what I do best when I'm nervous, looked right through him. But my friends wouldn't give up. Oh no. They had to make sure that me and Frenchie get our alone time. They kind of go off to the side, and then Frenchie asks me if I would want to go on a walk with him. I agree, and I ask Baron to watch my purse, because I know that if I bring my cell phone, heaven knows that I will never leave the damn thing, and just ignore Frenchie, which I don't want to be doing.
We leave and go around the block once and talk, and I slowly warm up, and act more like myself, and less like the cold dead body that I have been around him the past times. We go once more around the block, and we're already really talking, and stuff, and then we start the third round after walking for about an hour.
Then he grabs my hand and comes to a stop, pulling me close to him, and trying to kiss me. We already touched lips, but I was so nervous, and my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it might turn into pudding, so I pushed him away. I then set down on a stone wall that was right behind me, and I just tried to calm down.
He was really sweet, saying things like "I know how nervous you are, and I know it's your first time, so, if you don't want anything to happen, I respect that", and like "you should have seen me my first time. I was horrible". He then sat down next to me on the wall and took my hand in his hand and played with it in his fingers. And then he shifted my hair to my other shoulder, and started kissing my neck. Not nervous. Not nervous at all.
And then it happen. We both tilted our heads and touched lips, and he quickly moved on with his tongue, and it was just plain... Odd. I don't know why I sort of expected it to feel all sorts of beautiful and nice to have someone stick their tongue into your mouth. Quite frankly it feels exactly like you would think having a second tongue going in the opposite direction in your mouth would feel. I barely knew what to do with myself... I kind of just moved a long as much as I could without biting or chewing any pieces of Frenchie out by mistake. Sounds exactly as romantic as it was. Not at all.
When we break (not saying that I was disgusted by everything that was going on in there, but definitely suggesting and implying that), and start talking a little more, I realize that all of my friends basically saw it from afar. As if I was not embarrassed enough about the whole situation. And those great friends decide to stop their cars right in front of us, and give a little nod, wink, or whatever. I'm just staring down at my hands wanting to disappear. And my friends keep driving off.
We keep talking for a little. Every once in a while, he kisses my neck again. He keeps playing with my hands the entire time. And we kissed a few more time... Which were anything that I would imagine was just not a good kiss material. He didn't have the best breath, there was so much tongue, I didn't know what to do with my hands, and it was plain uncomfortable. And some times he hugs me, which just feels clingy and uncomfortable, and says all sorts of things like "you're special", which I'm thinking like "yea right", and like "you're good at this", to which I literally just said "yea right" to his face.
Then I realize my phone, my keys, and my money are with my friends at the car so I have no way to communicate to the  planet just how much I want to be home and sleep tight before we go off to work, and it already feels like 3am, which turns out to be right when I get my phone back later. I am just stuck there with him hugging me uncomfortably, and wanting to sleep so bad.
When my friends get back they all look at me weird, and I just want to hide myself, but instead. Oh yea, fuck my life, instead of burying myself down in the soil, he chooses to kiss me goodbye, which is terribly sweet, but seeing that it's in front of everybody, I just feel like running away. The thing that makes it even more awkward is the fact that all those friends that were there almost are all the biggest blabber mouths on the surface of this planet.
Hence, the next morning, this morning, when we go say goodbye to my friend who's leaving for college, everyone and their mother already know. Lucky me. You just saved me time telling everybody on earth.
Poor guy, it's really not his fault that I'm not big into the touchy, feel-y, sweet kind of thing, and that I especially can't do them around people. I feel mean talking about him like that, because maybe he was just great, but I didn't it right or something, but I think it was just mutual.
And then the entire day I had this huge knot in my stomach of shame, and stress, and heart beats, and tiresome, so I had a nauseous feeling the entire day.
In order to get rid of that feeling I convinced myself that, at least now, that he has climbed Olympus, which was an impossible task, why would he try again. Meaning, he has managed to succeed in the challenge that is being with me, then why would he ever bother again to try and challenge himself to it.
But the feeling came back when he friended me on Facebook, and started talking to me. He invited me to watch a movie alone with him in Baron's garage tonight, but I tried my best to reject the offer at least for today, because I was tired and stressed out and nauseous. So I tried as hard  as I might to be kind and tell him we'll do it some other time before he leaves on the 28th.
I can't believe I am no longer a lip virgin. I feel like a huge page was turned, and a huge part of me was taken.
At least he was kind, and understanding, and good looking, and French, meaning it's a good story to tell the kids. I just don't want to hurt him by saying no, but I don't want to die from all the stress, either.

Not stressed at all. Who am I kidding? Scared out of my mind XOXO Roni J.

"And the darkness holds little rest for weary bones. Now turn the page, the chapter's ending."

A French Kiss

It all started two nights ago. That weird kind of feeling that God is playing a practical joke on you and you can't help but laugh with him, because it is freaking hilarious. Things that you never knew were even an option, things you never ever dared think might happen in your future are starting to unravel.

We were talking in our WhatsApp group about how lonely and old we are, and bitter we are about our love life. My friend, Ginger, started talking about how much she wants to find someone, and another friend, Curly Fries, told her to be with a guy friend of ours, Baron, with whom Ginger had been a few months back. 

Baron used to live abroad, and he had met two friend there. These friendships have lasted 13 years, through borders and miles and miles apart. These two guys, Blondie and Frenchie, came over to visit Baron before they all head to college. 

When Curly Fries suggested that Ginger be with Baron, she added "and you could have a threesome with him and with Frenchie. 

I had met both Frenchie and Goldie a week ago so very briefly during a hangout with the rest of the group of our friends, but not being too close to Baron, not since the end of ninth grade when we were separated in our homeroom classes, I didn't talk to them much at all. I could sense, though, that Frenchie was paying me special attention when we talked for a second, and kind of rushed the thought out of my mind. By the way, he's French and a complete hottie. 

When Curly Fries made the threesome I jokingly said "Ginger, you have Baron, and I will have Frenchie". God knows nothing that I say jokingly will ever end up doing what I had meant for it to do. Sometimes it ends up kicking me in the behind so hard I fall over, sometimes it's just the start of something new. 

Instead of just being this stupid, harmless comment that I made, Miss Curly Fries decided to send a picture of it to Baron. Not because of what I had said, but because of what Ginger said. Baron sees this, and from then on Curly Fries and him try to set me up with this good looking French guy I barely know anything about. 

And I am in the middle of a big family dinner, laughing so hard. Is God 

freaking joking? Is he serious? Since when do I get set up with a hot French guy. Later on it also turns out that Frenchie WAS, in fact, eyeing me that first night we had met, so Baron knew that he was interested in me before I even made the comment. A good looking, well educated, beautiful, French guy, is, finding, me, attractive!? Common, where are the cameras big guy? Where you hiding at? 

Baron and Curly Fries promise to arrange a date and I automatically get nervous as hell, even though, in reality, I'm pretty damn sure nothing will really happen, and Baron and I are not necessarily the bestest of friends, so why would he set me up with his literally best childhood friend that has only ten more days in this country? Especially when he knows how much of a prude I am. 

Last night I'm in my head gear already, still in my clothes, but so fucking ready to get to bed its not even funny. I am meters of taking my dress off, and then I get a text from Curly Fries that another girl, Wave, and she are on their way to pick me up to go over to Baron's house to have a group date just so that Frenchie and I could maybe run into the chance of being together. My heart starts beating mad. Like. Insane. I think I need to get that checked out because freaking Superman doesn't run as fast as my heart was beating. 

I get ready quickly not putting too much effort, because I don't want to stress myself out even more, or get my hope higher than they already are. 

We get to Baron's garage that he turned into his room with a ping pong table, and a pool table and we play some and I am shy and not talkative and Baron makes his little kid comments about how I should ask Frenchie to teach me to play pool because I am TERRIBLE. And I am already stressed out enough and want to go home and give up because I have work in the morning and its already 2am for crying out loud, and I'm embarrassed and scared and want to just let it go, it's not like it's believable that anything would ever happen between me and him. 

And then Baron says he's not going to let me go home unless I walked out with Frenchie. And I insist. Baron, no! Baron, I'm just humiliating myself! And we speak in the local language, thank goodness, so Frenchie doesn't understand what we're saying but he knows what I came there for, and can hear the tone of things, so I guess he knew the direction of things. 

And then Baron gets closer and looks at me and says "you know just how shy I am with girls. You know how long it took me to kiss a girl, and, you ladies, still scare me like shit. I told him it's your first kiss and that you're going to be freaking out about it (why does Baron know I have never been kissed will remain a mystery forever), and he knows and he really wants you. He really really does. You can see him looking at you. Common, just one leap of faith, once. And then after that it just gets better and easier". I almost started tearing up, and almost called the Noble Prize headquarters for him. I was shocked by how genuine and sweet he was, and by how much he was really just trying to help me out. 

I was convinced mainly because I wanted to go home, but also because what Baron said played that one right note in my head. And I walked out. 

A few seconds later he walks out. We walk around the neighborhood and talk for way longer than I had initially planned. And he knows how stressed out I am so he doesn't try anything we just walked and talked. And he made me as comfortable as I could be when I'm such a stress case. Then get back to Baron's house, and us girls leave. 

The moment we leave Baron sends me a message saying that Frenchie wants to do it again sometime before he leaves and I agree. 

So joke well played, God. I love you. You're wonderful. And so are you my loves. We'll see maybe this is like Grease and we'll have a summer romance. Maybe not. Let's keep our expectations down, and see if this French kiss is meant to be. XOXO Roni J. 

July Flew By

And so did the rest of this summer. I can't believe that in two weeks I'll be heading to college to start the rest of my life. So far away from everything that I know, and love. So far away from everything that's familiar and home to me.
I will be beginning this year far away from home, in the dorm room with two to three new girls that I barely even know. I will have to get used to their faults and their flaws, and will have to fit my flaws, and my faults to them. And after all this hard work, when I get back home once every two weeks for the weekend, when I'm tired, and just need to rely on something comfortable and familiar, my momma is not going to be here.
I have said goodbye to my momma after a two week long journey with both my parents in the entirety of Norway, which is one of the most insanely beautiful spectacular places I have ever been to. It was incredible for both the beautiful landscapes of waterfalls, and lakes, and fjords, and just water in general. God, they have so freaking much water it's not even funny, but also for the beautiful cities they have there like Oslo, Bergen, and Alesund, every single one of which is unique for its own reasons, and its architecture, which you must know is one of my favorite things in the world, and one of the things I find the most beautiful to see in different cities and countries. Some of my favorite places include the beautiful Viking Museum in the outskirts of Oslo. I am usually not a museum person at all, but those freaking Viking ships are freaking incredible. Such elegant woodwork was done on these ships with so many decorative intricate detailing that I almost peed my pants out of pure joy. Another lovely lovely place was the city of Bergen, which is all the way out in the west of Norway, and the old pier that they have restored and placed some stores in. It's just so goddamn beautiful. I also found this adorable freaking cafe in a street called Lille Ovregaten, that's both a cafe and a book store. So beautifully designed, really good coffee, amazing baked goods, some homely, amazing smell of cinnamon, spices, and coffee. If you ever pass by Bergen by any chance, just run there. It's inspired me to want to open a similar place in the future maybe. Making people fall back in love with books, music, and the small beautiful things in life. There's also a very good restaurant called Zupperia in Bergen that makes amazing soup dishes that are so freaking big, and so freaking tasty and heart warming on a rainy day. I have never in my life tasted a clam chowder so delicious.
Alesund is another beautiful city all made out of stone buildings because of a fire that burnt the city down to the ground. Not only is the architecture absolutely beautiful, but they have amazing fish and chips, an adorable glass workshop, and and an amazing little antique shop I spent hours in by the beautiful pier. And the beautiful way between those cities spread like a web of incredible waterfalls, streams, lakes, and fjords. I know I have possibly said beautiful in the past few sentences more than ever in my life all together, but that country is astonishing, remarkably unique and pleasant.
And then we parted ways with my momma. And I didn't cry then, and even though it's choking me up a little right now, thinking about how much I miss her, and need her, and feel like telling her every single thing that's been going on in my life, I just won't. I can't afford to break down so easily.a
Good thing I've been keeping busy in the two weeks since I've come back. Firstly, I've been working as a secretary at my dad's office, and every night since I have been going out, tiring myself out to the max, trying to fit as much in with my friends before all of us leave for college in our different paths.
We went camping this weekend on the beach, and I have come really close with a guy that was in my grade, but we never really spoke too much, and then on Thursday during the little camping trip we just stayed up the entire night, literally the entire night, talking, and he told me about his trip to Greece that he went on with his group of friends a few weeks later than we did, and about his first time, and I told I haven't had my first time, and never even been kissed, and he listened to me like no other straight guy before him. I told him about my stupidity and humiliation with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, and he just didn't even judge. By the way, I saw Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome last night walking in the street, when we passed by in a car, and he looked amazing, and I just reminded myself of how freaking stupid I am.
This morning, though, two of my very good friends left for college, which is yet another goodbye to have said, and then my dad drove out of town to my extended family, and I came back home, and it's all quiet, and dark, and empty. And for the first time since Norway, since saying goodbye to momma, I have time to think. To process my goodbyes, to think about the scary future that I don't know anything about, those eerie moments that I will have, wanting to come back home to momma, and she's far away, and I can't talk to her because of my stupid busy schedule, and my friends leaving, and my stupidity and my cowardice with boys, and all of a sudden after letting it out now, and talking about some of it has broken my promise earlier not to cry. And I'm choking back tears, but they won't listen and stay down, they just fill my eyes until they burn, and there's no way to get rid of that sting besides blinking those tears away.

"Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox years, always a bigger bed to crawl into? 
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?"

SO, if we choke back the tears and talk about some of the things I have loved the month of July that has long been gone, and flew by without me even letting it go. I held onto it's wings tight, I promise, but it didn't care at all, it just took off without noticing the dead weight I was imposing on it in order for it to linger.
Song:
The Girl Running duet by Passenger ft. Jess Chalker. I don't know what about this song, maybe the first verse and the last verse, make me think of the loss of innocence and childhood, which, as you might have been able to see was pretty much the theme of this month, fuck, it's been the main topic this entire year.







Artist:

Bon Iver. He's always been a favorite, but playing his beautiful songs while driving across the beautiful landscapes of Norway was an incredible experience. The pure meaning of joy and serenity to me is waking up from sleep in the back seat, grab an apple, with my parent, passing incredible views, and having songs like towers play in the background.




Make Up Item:
See Sheer by Mac is a beautiful sheer peachy pink color. I bought it new during the month of July at the airport's Duty Free. It's as nude as I can go without looking like someone shot me. I love it because it's light, and not intense, but adds a little bit of color to the face. It's a Lustre finish meaning it looks wet and smooth on the lips, but it's not glossy or sticky. It's slightly rosy, slightly coral, but it's absolutely beautiful. I love it. It's also soft on the lips.

Deodorant:
Dove's Go Fresh, which smells like cucumber and mint, and just kept me fresh this entire months running errands, partying, tanning, and so on. It's just very comfortable, and the smell isn't too perfume-y, but lingers, which makes it perfect for keeping me fresh in this "deafening heat" as they say in The Girl Running.

Perfume:
Number 8 by Abercrombie and Fitch. I FINALLY got my hands on a new bottle after ages of living a sad sad life without it. It can be used by both sexes and smell just as lovely and fitting for either sex. It's clean, but not soap-like smelling which is good for me for staying fresh smelling during the summer. It's also a little sexy, dew to it's spices and ginger tones, but floral. And listen to the weird part, it has jasmine petal tones to it, which is my most hated scent ever, but it smells so good, I honestly can't even detect the strong scent of jasmine.

Shows:
Baby Daddy and Melissa and Joey are back! I just watch the new season like a junkie. My comic relief.
I have also started watching Suburgatory. Delirious.

Books:
I have just finished Pretties and proceeded on to Specials, but these books honestly don't get old. They just keep me on my toes and surprise me every freaking time. I think I'm going to cry when I finish Extras. But hey I've got Eve's second book that came out in April when I was still reading Divergent and Insurgent and stuff, and for some reason I had started Uglies before I read it, and I have the Maze Runner at hand, so I will be filled up to the brim with good books. I am a slow reader as you might have noticed, because I like to read when I'm calm, so I read in Norway a boat load, but I haven't since, because I was stressed out and tired.

Hope you're all having a lovely summer, or winter, if you're in the southern part of the equator! Loves you all, and thanks for being there and letting me take out everything I don't dare say on the outside, even if you don't even care about all my nonsense. XOXO Roni J.
By the way the first picture is from the way from one  city to another on a ferry, the second and third are from Bergen on the old pier, the third and fifth are again on the way from one city to another, and the fourth photo is from Alesund. Hope you enjoyed my little journey in pictures!

My First Kiss Wasn't A Little Like This

Hello there my fantastic friends. 

This month as I have already mentioned in the last post I think is genuinely the craziest month of my life. To my sincere dismay I came back from Greece yesterday after a very very eventful fun trip, but there's just so much that happened beforehand that I can't skip. 

First I hosted a family that I used to be neighbors with when I lived abroad. At first I was really worried about hosting them, because the girl who's my age and I haven't spoken since my visit two years ago. But to be honest it was just like in old times. We shared tons of laughs and we were really getting along well, which made me remember how much I miss her and her humor. We were really really tight back then. 

A day after she left I had to leave for summer camp. I am not kidding you when I say the people there are my family. Throughout the years I've been to several places of the same sort, and for longer periods of time, but never have I been able to call those places home, or the people there my family. In under a year, a year that was crazy eventful, I have met a group of people that were so accepting of me, and of who I am, so familiar, so loving, and for that I am grateful every day. 

During camp it was evident that these people are family to me, and to each other. The last day, when we said our goodbyes, everybody was crying, everybody. All the guys, the guys that always pretend to be big strong men, wept for hours. They are my brothers. 

All except one. 

Throughout the camp I've gotten to know him better, not to speak of the fact that throughout this entire year he's become better and better looking. Wise man, you know the drill, when a new guy shows up he gets a nickname that suits his dominant features or traits. So this guy is a proven genius. All the guys idolize him for his brains, but he's not a cocky jerk. He's sweet and humble about his achievements and success. Anyways, I have worked real close with him the entire camp which made it so easy to fall for him and his charm. Unfortunately he hasn't shown any interest in me the entire time. Not really. I mean in the beginning maybe a little, or maybe I mistook it for interest. 

The thing is we went to a bar the day after camp was over and he kept asking to walk me home. I obviously thought it might mean something but in my stupidity I was upset to realize we just live quite close and he wanted company on his way home. Which is what he got when my friend drove us home in the end. So maybe it was in the intention of having something happen and he regretted it or something, but whatever I was already too occupied with thinking about Greece and about the new people I met that will be going to college with me next year in a meeting the day after camp that made me feel much better about, and much more excited for next year. 

An incident happened at the bar when one guy friend of mine who knows about my never been kissed status got a little drunk and told the guys about it, when I am not too pleased about them knowing, so I denied it saying he doesn't know about the last few things that happened and that I have met a guy that's going to college with me next year and I was with him. They believed it and he apologized the very next day, plus Wise Man wasn't there when they talked about it, so it doesn't matter much to me. I love him nonetheless. 

And then Greece happened. It was a crazy, insanely fun trip. You all know my opinion of alcohol, and I wasn't going to give up my morals there either, but I did drink in moderation, and it was a once in a very long time thing. I do how ever know my limits with drinking very well, and, even when drunk, I am very aware of myself and my surroundings. That is why I wasn't afraid to let go a little for once. My friends were also careful with over drinking, and it made it way easier for us to have fun without being worried that if one of us is missing for a few minutes then she must be dying in a dark corner in an estranged country. 

Our vacation started with a pool party on Monday, that I still do think was the best out of all the parties we have been to there. It was free cocktails, so we had a few, and we met some other friends that came a day before us and the really sweet nice guys that were in their hotel, one of them was crushing on me a little, I've been told by one of the girls, and I also felt it during the party. We had a ton of fun, and being a little drunk I flirted with a guy that hit on me , even though he wasn't to my taste especially because he kept sounding needy and desperate, but also because he wasn't the best looking. He then tried to kiss me, which I avoided desperately, not wanting my first kiss to be with him whatsoever. It did however boost my confidence that both guys were interested in me, and, when we also met some guys from my school, I felt like they were a little flirtatious with me, as well, which made me feel even more confident. 

That night we went to a club, and again I was just a little drunk, so I was looser than usual, and I started dancing with this really really hot guy that hit on me. I would always get so nervous doing this in the past, but Being a little looser than usual, and a lot more confident, I didn't mind much, and we were dancing really close. I mean really close. I felt like a little but of a skank right there, but hey I know I'm not so that's ok. We were dancing like this for... An hour. I'm not kidding you, and he kept asking me if he could kiss me, and me being the frightened little inexperienced child I kept saying no, and, after a while, when I sobered up, I kindly left the poor guy, and neither pair of our lips kissed. Shame, because he was smoken, and quite sweet when we talked. 

The very next day we got a little bit of a tan by the hotel pool which was a lot of fun, after we got up quite late, because we came back in at 5am like the true party animals that we are... Yeah sure whatever. 

In the evening, around 8 we went to a glow paint party to which you get something to cover you up with, that kind of looks like a space suit that we cut into a shorts, and short sleeves suit so that we wouldn't look THAT ridiculous.. It hasn't helped. And when you get in there, besides, you know, the music and the regular party going on, there are huge hoses that shoot glow in the dark paint at you. It was the second most fun party we went to while there right after the pool party. It was just insane. We walked in and then we meet the guys from one of the girls' school, and they're all her friends, one of which is also my neighbor. I, then, spot one of them and look at him and think.. Hmmm... Looking good. And then my brain goes missing. All that's working is just hormones, hormones, hormones. He is what you call "tall, dark, and handsome".  And shirtless, so very shirtless. Yeah, way to help my hormones quite down, dude. So we dance with the guys for a while and Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome is sweet to me, but it's unclear if he's interested in me because he's quite apathetic on the outside, which is a weird thing about me, but I like that about guys. Wise Man is like that, as well. And I talk to him a little, basic information and stuff all the while talking to the other guys, but flashing a few extra flirtatious smiles in his direction to make myself clear without looking desperate, and I can feel sexual tension, but then again he's chill and doesn't show any sign of interest except for a few smiles back at me.  After a while, one of the guys from my school that went to camp with me came up to me fully drunk, and said hello and we hugged and stuff, and usual friendly behavior. And then it got weird. All my friends call me a bee for some reason, it's been explained in the past I would think. And so he starts saying "hey I heard you've stung five already". And by stinging he means I was with five guys in Greece. For some odd reason the guys though that I'm this huge player before the accident, because I keep my love life very on the down low in front of them, because I have been attracted to some of them and I don't feel like having them know I have no love life whatsoever. He however, wasn't there when it slipped out that I have never been kissed, and still thought I'm this major player, and I replied "I can neither confirm or deny" in order to keep it yet again from their public eye. "Oh I was just assuming I haven't really heard this from anyone"-"I haven't confirmed it, though"- "oh"- "I haven't denied it either"- "true, so would you like to sting me?". And then I'm taken aback, because he had never shown any interest in me in that way, and plus he was with one of my friends during the pool party, so I was.. Surprised to say the least. And then I replied, still playful, "sweetie, if I'll sting you I will die, I am a bee after all", which is my friends satyric theory for why I haven't been with anyone yet. Then he replies "if I wanted to I could sting you" and gets closer. "And do you?" - "I'm more of a wasp person myself"- "good"- "I do, though. You can sting me if you want to" oh haha funny joke, what!? "Aww that's sweet, but no thank you" and we keep talking a little and then he leaves, and I keep talking to Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome and his friends for a while, my little drunk guy friend that I had rejected an hour ago comes back and tries to kiss me.. And I am like "hey baby, I love you and you know it, but not like that" in the nicest way possible, and then he calls me a tease, which is fine by me, but we are still cool thank God, and we talked the days afterwords and we were even better than ok. 

Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome sees my friend trying to kiss me and me rejecting him, and he jumps on the opportunity two minutes later and says "it's a little stuffy in here, wanna go outside?" To which I reply "yeah sure" without showing him how eager I was on the inside, 'cause the poor guy would have run away into the sea and would have swam all the way home out of fear. We got to the side where we had a little bit of privacy and then he puts his hands on my waist and we dance together for a while getting closer, and closer, and then in an instant I see his eyes closing and his head tilting to the left, and my mind sobers up from its absence the past hours, and immediately I'm alert and thinking, and bam I tell him not to and burry my face in his chest, because I am too self conscious. 

A minute later we part ways and I immediately think to myself 'are you a fucking idiot? You stupid fucking whore, what the hell's wrong with you!? Not only did you miss out a perfect opportunity, but you also teased the poor guy to death. That was embarrassing. You wanted him you stupid butt face.' And I have yet to calm down from that. I still want to punch myself in the face every time that I can picture his face leaning in. The guy is cute, smart, lives in the same town, he's so tall that you have to stand on your tippy toes to talk to him, which is a freaking big deal being 5'7.5", he's got abbs, a charming smile, beautiful lips, he's friendly and sweet, what the fuck more do you want from your first kiss you fool! And every time I saw him since was really uncomfortable. The girl that's friends with this entire group of guys told me that he asked her to put in a word for him before the whole thing happened saying that I am beautiful, and another friend of mine says he's never been with a girl who's not absolutely stunning, which is a huge compliment, so what the hell.. Huh?

The rest of the stay was fun nonetheless and I got a little bit of a tan and a few new friends, and a lot of confidence that I am pretty enough, that guys that I want could want me back. I am still the dumbest girl on the planet but at least I got the looks down. 

I am now in Oslo to visit my mom who's staying here for half a year. This place is the absolute opposite of everything Greece was, and there's light until 00:00 at night, which is just odd. 

Hope I wasn't hard to bare with my big mouth and tiny brain. Loves you all. Xoxo Roni J. 

June Sais Quoi

How long have I not written a normal sincere blog post? Far too long. My life has been... I'm not kidding you... FREAKING INSANE. I've got exams to finish (last on is ont he 4th of July...THE FUDGE?! You inconsiderate bunch of bastards!), I've got trips that I have already taken in the past few weeks and some thousands more to take, guests from my past coming, and a lot, a lot of goodbyes. So let's start explaining all the craziness that's already been going on in the past two months and continue on the path to the plans for July and August, which in comparison to them, May and June are a freaking knock knock joke.
The past two months:
I have basically graduated high school. I got a graduate diploma, a social excellence diploma for being student body president, and an academic excellence diploma, which my parents were all so proud of, and so was I. You don't know this, but it took me a long time to decide that this will be the high school that I will be attending after I came back from my two years abroad. I didn't know anybody there at the time, when I joined the school in the middle of middle school, and I didn't want to get back to my old group of friends that I was a part of in lower school. I must be honest to tell you this was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I became a part group of a really good crowd of people, and a large one at that. Besides that I can literally say that out of the entire senior class of around 250 students I dislike maybe 2, and get along with the most. These people were amazing, and accepting, and didn't judge me for my oddities, and I have many, from the very beginning. Sometimes I had rough patches with some of them, but being the  person I am, I click with a lot of different varieties of people, and I rarely ever got into clashes with anybody. So even if I really don't want any of them to freaking read this, I want them to telepathically know that I love them, and am so so sad to have to say goodbye to them all. Besides that I had amazing opportunities at school like the three delegations I took part in, student body, and amazing classes with very interesting teachers. So I'm as grateful as can be for the past four years. They were years very well spent.
As a graduation trip, the school took us into the city for the entire night. I mean we did not sleep, at all. We drove there (about three or four hours ride) by bus, but we didn't sit with our homeroom like we usually did on class trips and so forth. We sat with mixed home rooms, so I picked to sit with the one I have the most friends with, one of which is Tiny, which you might remember from past stories. I wasn't sitting next to her from the very beginning, and was sitting at the front of the bus. They played a sad goodbye song (Leaving On A Jet Plane) thinking they're oh-so-clever and oh-so-charming to make me teary eyed (the only one on the entire freaking bus), and I started crying, because I'm a girl like that, and I was trying to hide it, but the girl sitting next to me heard me sniffling a sob so she decided it was a smart idea to just yell "Oh look how sweet! Roni's crying", and I'm like.... Shut up bitch... Only much nicer than that, and Big Guy hears her, because he's sitting across from us, and says "Oh really? So you've got a heart now?". Apparently I don't show much emotions... Boo-freaking-hoo.. Kill me. My friend then goes on explaining she's probably thinking about how she won't ever see half of this senior class after today (good call pal), to which Big Guy replies in his snake charming voice (when I say snake charming, I mean both a snake, and a charmer, not a charmer of snakes) "don't worry Roni, we'll keep in touch" and winks, at the same time as I say "oh this is probably the same half of the senior class I really don't care about", which, because it was said in the exact same time, sounded kind of like a diss to him. Oooppsss.
So after a while I get tired of the crowd in the front of the bus, so I go sit next to Tiny in the back of the bus and we talk and stuff. I flirt with Mr. Perfect, who's taken now, but the heck I saw him first (probably didn't.. So what? Fuck off!). Then, Mr. Perfect's quite handsome (and not far from perfect himself) friend sits with Tiny and I. We cram in the three of us into one bus stool, which kinda feels like an odd orgy. But we talked and laughed and it was great. I never knew him too well, I only knew him by his name and a little background, but never invested myself into getting to know him too well. Then I got a little car sick so I went back to sit in the front section of the bus, and, Tiny told me later, this new mister, Mr. Mystery, told her right after I got up that I'm cute, and how come we've never talked before, so Tiny said to him, you seriously missed out, and he said I can see I did. Later on the bus rides from one place to another in the city Mr. Mystery and I sat together alone, and talked and flirted and laughed, which was nice, and like a new door has opened up for me. A new door of opportunities. On a later bus ride after touring the entire city, and flirting with a bunch of guys from my grade, Big Guy asked me on the bus whether or not he'll see me in the party later on that night, and I said maybe very sheepishly, knowing that he looks at me every single party that he sees me in, and can't stop staring at me, and then he said "I hope you do".
That night we do end up going to that party, almost the entire group of our friends, but what's a party with a big group of girls without a bit of drama?! One of the girls gets there far too late and far too pissed of at all of her friends who've been trying to help her, and drinks just a teenie weenie too much. By the time we get to the party she isn't feeling well, and me and another friend are a little too late to get to check up on her so she points at my friend and says "I hate you", and the points to me "And you're pathetic so you can also leave", and I'm like.... Ppfffffttttt OH REALLY. My other friend takes it really hard cause A. she's drunk, and B. she cares too much about the stupid girl's opinion, but me? I don't I tell the rest of the girls to watch her and get her home, because I ain't no bitch, but I just get up and walk away after she says "so you can also leave", and I say "fine I will". I wasn't hurt by her because I know I'm not "pathetic", and if I ever were to be I would still be less pathetic than she was at that moment. You're drunk, about to throw up in front of your entire grade, looking like a hot mess, and I am the "pathetic" one? I think not. I just thought she had some nerve to say these things to us after we took care of her the entire night so that she could come to the party (we had to wait hours for her to show up, not knowing if she's even going to show up in the end, and rush to hop on the taxi, I literally had to run to catch the taxi), and after we come to check up her. She's got some nerve. I am not mad at her anymore I am not holding any grudges or anything, because I'm better than that, and I shouldn't act like a five year old, but I'm kind of done. I mean I'm not going to ignore her because I don't want no drama, but a friend who treats you like this on a regular basis, when she feels like it, and pushes you around, does not deserve me as a friend, and I do not deserve being put down.
Later on though, things get better, cause I talk to Mr. Mystery, and flirt a little more with him and with Big Guy, which always puts you in a better mood when you're being complimented. Mr. Guy though, has been ignoring me for days already, and it got really weird when he said hi to the girl next to me at the party, and said nothing to me, and didn't even look at me. I don't feel the same way I did for him as I did before, but it's still quite offensive to have the son of a gun ignore me.
Days pass, and we're getting ready for summer camp so we meet up a lot. Yesterday we did a writing session for the senior songs CD that we bring out every year for summer camp, and it was hilarious. Just insane. I love them so much. Another goodbye, though.
Tonight I hosted a BBQ for my homeroom to say yet another goodbye,which is no fun whatsoever, and I am feeling horrible, so I didn't feel like hosting anything. I think I got a cold from sitting outside last night until very very late writing songs with the nut cases I call my friends. But I couldn't have asked for better people, and a better experience than I had had with my homeroom the past three years. These kids made me the happiest, the most comfortable and welcomed I have ever felt, and I am so grateful for that. And there's a huge rock weighing down my chest because... I just am going to miss them so much. And I hate goodbyes because I always cry (already managed to cry for about an hour today after the BBQ). I just sincerely love these people like brothers and sisters, and I feel like not seeing them everyday is... heart breaking.
This is summing up what's happened up until now. What's about to happen is some crazy shit. It's gonna be all shades of nuts. Tomorrow early in the morning I have an interview for a job I might get in about a year. It's an interesting job, but I don't know much about it yet. Later on tomorrow a family that hosted me a part of my two years abroad is coming to visit me, which is sweet, but I haven't really managed to keep in touch with them over the years, so hopefully it won't be terribly awkward. Later this week will be my very final exam of my high school experience on Thursday, and on Friday we go on 8 days of summer camp. This is when I start living out of bags for the next month or so. The very next day I go to a little seminar with the people that will be attending college with me next year, which has to be interesting, but I'm resenting it for some reason. Possibly cause I'm scare, possibly cause I've had an amazing time the past three years, and don't really feel like starting something new when I'm not yet near done with high school. But that meeting is in the city so I have to drive in after not sleeping well for around 8 days if not more.
The very next day I have to be in the city again, because I'm flying out to Greece with a bunch of my best friends. We're staying there 5 days for a fun beach holiday, and then we get back. The very very next day I have to be back in the city though, because I'm flying out to my momma who's moving to Norway for half a year for her job. So I won't see her for half a year after the two week I'll spend there, which is bound to be hard as hell. I'll try my best to write in the next two months, but I doubt I'll be able to write much, because I will be living out of a suitcase. Not complaining, though. I'm going to have the time of my life. I am excited about this time. It has some je ne sais quoi about it. Some mystery. Some magic.
So my favorites the past two months have been:
1) 2 Broke Girls. Best comedy ever. I'm not even kidding you guys. This is my exact humor- sexual, dirty, sarcastic, but not vulgar! Hilarious hilarious hilarious story about a rich New York elite girl who loses all her money and meets up with another broke girl who's always had to work hard and fend for herself, and together they try rising up. Just freaking crazy and amazing. Can't wait for next season.... CANNOT!

2) Happy Endings. Sweet little comedy I started watching when I finished 2 Broke Girls. Not nearly as funny in my opinion, but still very lovable, and I am so sad they have canceled it. Hope they go all Cougar Town with it, and film it in a cheaper setting to close it up nicely.

3) Baby Daddy. Season 2 is just... 20 times better than the first. I just freaking love Danny (Derek Theler) so much. He's such an adorable character, which is funny because I tuned in in the first place to watch Jean Luc Bilodeau, but I just like Derek SO FREAKING MUCH. I follow after them all on Instagram, and they are just so cute.

4) LOL. Cutest movie I've seen in a long time. The guy interest in the movie is just the perfect personality for a men in my opinion. Confident, and caring, and honest, a good friend, a musician. That's what made this movie so lovable for me. Love her new song, too, and even though the music video is crazy and a little over over the top, I appreciate the creativity put into it.

5) Nashville. Watched that show in like 2 days because I loved Gunnar. Again, he just possesses most of the qualities I see in the perfect man.. He's just adorable. Loved the music in it, which has majorly affected my playlist with songs like I will fall, If I Didn't Know Better, and so forth. Love country music even more so now than I did then. I also love Maisy and Lennon, and think they are absolutely amazing and crazy talented, and hope to see more of them, because they are just.. Mind blowing.

6) Stubborn Love by The Lumineers. This song has amazing lyrics, and I just love the video for some reason they touched my heart very deep. I just fell in love with it very very quickly.
7) Tip Of My Tongue by The Civil Wars. Such a seductive song, but so genuine and true, and loving. I just adore it.

8) Pretties. Not yet done with it but so freaking close. I just love this series so much. They make it sound so real, and it sounds so realistic that people would think to make us all look the same and think the same.




I don't really have beauty favorites these past two months, because I have been very constant with products and all, but I promise to try out some new things. Love you, and probably should go to sleep if I want to wake up in time for my interview tomorrow. XOXO Roni J.

Up(to no)date

Hey pretty ladies, how are you today?

I'm doing well considering  the circumstances, which are basically a crap load of tests. And the endless tango of "loves me, loves me not" that's going on in my incompetent brain. Flower petal after the other I'm picking them out, and sometimes they end up saying there's nothing there, and sometimes they say there's something, but whatever the petals are saying, whatever the signs might be saying, I doubt them. Whatever the signs point to, immediately my gut feeling points in the other direction. 

Nothing dramatic has happened since the last post, really, which should be concerning, because nothing's going on in my life right now, and that's not great. Big Guy and Mr. Guy have been doing that same thing they always do- confusing me. 

We had a test in biology last week, and we are all taking A.P. bio, so we all ended up in the same place. Mr. Guy kept asking me the most random questions that had nothing to do with the test, or with life on earth really, which, after a while, kind of started sounding like he's seeking my attention. That was weird to me, considering he hasn't been seeking my attention, or seemingly been seeking my attention in a very long time. Big Guy on the other hand just treated me in a casual matter, being nice, wishing me luck, being sweet. The test was divided in two, so after the first part, I sat on the staircase in the hallway with a good friend just talking. So Big Guy comes around and starts asking me how the first part was, and I answered very sweetly and smiled at him, but was cut off midst sentence, because Mr. Guy peered in out of nowhere, and saw that my attention was on Big Guy, and started touching my face, because he's odd like that, and that's what he does when he's trying to get someone's attention. So then Big Guy sees that my attention was diverted onto Mr. Guy, and he starts messing up my hair, so I divert my attention onto him, and then Mr. Guy sees that my attention is shifted to Big Guy and Mr. Guy says something that I didn't necessarily hear, but was supposed to refer to me to perhaps get my attention back, and Big Guy then started touching my face like Mr. Guy does usually, and I mean it was all so weird that by the time the teacher called us in for the next part, I was pushed up against the stairwell's wall, because they were all up in my grill. I was really weirded out by Big Guy's actions, because I used to think he's the rather normal guy, but then again I see that normal's not an option if the guy is good looking.
So then I had many tests and all sorts of things, so I was really looking to dance my stress away. And yet again, third party in a row that Big Guy's been looking at me all the time. Or at least I imagine him looking at me all the time, and I have no idea whether I'm imagining or not, and whether he's looking at me because he likes me, or because I look ridiculous. Quite honestly I could care less, if he thinks I'm ridiculous when I dance, because I am one good catch with a boat load of crazy moves.
One of his friends, though, that showed up in the past parties, as well, is a smoked little salmon swimming in this pond, and all the other fish in the sea really look like clown fish next to this one. He is a good looking chap, and Tiny said that this little fella is actually Tony's best friend, and in her opinion, the best guy he hangs around, because he's serious, hardworking and nice. I doubt I am ever going to have anything with him, because, hey, I can barely get them damn clown fish circling around me, so how will I have him doing it?
It seemed, if I am honest, that the two talked about me a little, because they were whispering, and then looking at me. Or maybe, as usual, I was just imagining, because there's a difference between what's going on around me, and what I think is actually going on around me.
Funny thing happened in the club. They have screens with videos and photos and stuff, going while the music's playing, but then... A clown picture, the scariest clown ever, and it doesn't take much of a clown to scare the crap out of me, appeared on the screen, and I almost started crying... Worst minute of my life.
My sister adopted a cute little puppy to her new apartment, and he's seriously the cutest freaking thing in the world. He's... Precious. I fell in love with him the first second I saw the little guy. I have a new family member, which I am absolutely in love with.
Two days ago, in some weird series of events, we planned a BBQ for a bunch of friends, and I said that I can host it in our garden. Mr. Guy was invited, because he's in that group. I was waiting in my room for a friend, who said she was going to be there early, writing to another friend on Facebook. Since that friend I was writing to lives in a whole different country I write her very long letters. I was in the middle of writing her, and Mr. Guy shows up 40 minutes earlier than was supposed to. I got really nervous about keeping him busy for 40 minutes without getting busy with him, so I asked him if it was ok that I finish up writing to my friend, and he said sure. So we were sitting on my bed in my room, me typing on the laptop, all the while we're keeping an extremely awkward conversation. Then I finish writing but we stay in my room, and he asks me about a girl we both know and says that he knows many people that hate her, and I said "oh, I don't hate her. She's sweet". Then he turns to me, looks me in the eyes, puts his hand on my thigh, and says "you never hate anybody. You're too sweet." To this I basically replied with me running away, saying something along the lines of "I should probably put the Coke in the fridge.." Then we sat outside waiting for the rest to show up, and he picked up my guitar, and started playing. Then he stopped and said "you look really nice today", mind you he said this meanwhile playing the guitar on a moonlit porch.... Then he stopped playing, and asked me "hey, Roni, what's you're favorite song? I feel like impressing you." Dudeeeeee! What now?! So I told him "Candy by Paolo Nutini", and he has to look it up on his cell, and then he needs a capo, but I say I don't feel like going inside to fetch him one, so I say I'll just hold my finger in place for him, and then we just sit there... Playing together... A love song...
And then my friend finally shows up just half an hour too late... Have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Have a fabulous day <3 XOXO Roni J.

Looking For You Again

Hello girls,
how are you? I hope you're doing well.
There was a big party this week. It took place in a club I usually avoid, because in the two previous times I had visited it, my friends got really drunk, and I basically had to be their babysitter the entire night, which is anything but fun, especially when you don't get paid for it, and moreover when you pay quite a large amount of money to get in.
So this time my friends took it down a notch. Most of them didn't drink at all, and those who did, really took care of themselves. I've heard it once that you should drink to be happier, and not to be happy, and I completely agree with it. Because when you drink in order to boost your self esteem, you drink to be a slut, and drink to be happy, the only thing that happens is that you lose all control over the amount of alcohol you pour into your mouth, and end up with all the flaws that you've been trying to hide by drinking, out like all of your dirty laundry. Anyways this isn't a post about my opinions of drinking and alcohol, so I'll go on.
The thing is that when my friends don't drink I find myself having way more fun instead of worrying about them all the time. My dad even noticed it. When he asked me how the party was the next day, and I answered I had a lot of fun, he immediately said "this can mean either one of two things. Either you got drunk, or nobody else got drunk". What can I say? My dad just knows me far too well.
The club we went to is a huge building, and when you walk in there's a room downstairs playing house music, and when you go upstairs it's mostly hip hop and rap music, which our groups of friends prefers in general. So we went upstairs.
My good good friend that we'll call Tiny met up with her boyfriend, whom we'll name Tony, and we didn't want to lose her in the huge club so our group stayed quite close to Tony's group of friends. Big Guy, if you remember him from the past, is in Tony's group of friends, so while dancing we were always close to him.
Me, when I dance, I really don't give much of a crap who sees me, and what they might think of me, and I just let loose, which is part of why I don't need to drink. I just go nuts naturally. And that night especially I decided I'm going to act drunk and high naturally, just really be happy and cheerful, and give off good vibes. And so we were dancing and stuff, and for a moment I thought I saw Big Guy's big blue eyes looking at me, but I wasn't sure if it was because I really saw him looking or because I wanted him to look, which I did, because he is one fine man. And this happened a couple of times throughout the night, but I really wasn't sure about any of it at all. Anyways we'll get back to that in the end.
Either way, I kept looking for Mr. Guy all the time. In clubs it's the worst, because I always feel the need to have him see me looking great. That night, let me tell you, I was looking especially dashing. I just kept looking. As if the moment that he sees me will be the moment when he falls in love with me like I was some Disney princess or some shit.
When I was already certain that Mr. Guy hadn't shown up for the party we went downstairs to the entrance area outside to breathe some air, because it was freaking flaming inside. So we walk outside me, and two other friends, and they spot Mr. Guy, and because they are much closer to him than I am ever going to be, they walk up to him and say "hi", and at first he pays me no attention at all mostly because he's too drunk and I'm standing behind them, using them as a human shield from him. And then he realizes I'm there and say "hi Roni!" very excitedly for some reason, and then gets really close to me, and I look up at him big eyed not really knowing what to say, and he's reallllly close by then, almost too close. And I just stare at him starstruck or something, because I am looking into his big blue eyes not really knowing what to do. As you might have been able to guess, I am weak when it comes to big blue eyes. And then he asks me "Roni, did you drink?" with a mockingly surprised voice, and I say "no, no I didn't", and he says "I think you did". Apparently, I act the part very well without even drinking. So we turn around to leave, and we stop for some reason for a second, and then he places his hand on my lower back, and I just push him off really pissed off like, seriously? No.
So we go back upstairs and I dance a little more feeling like I might have Big Guy's eyes on me, and I let the tension wear off. We then think about leaving, because it's already really late, and we go downstairs to check it out, me and two different friends to the ones from before, and we dance together, and this tall guy who's not especially attractive tries hitting on me, but I kind of reject him gently. And then Mr. Guy arrives, and starts dancing with us. And I'm thinking to myself  ugh no.. And I take the guy who's hitting on me and I start dancing with him trying to push Mr. Guy away from us. He sees us dancing and goes off to dance somewhere else. Then the tall guy that I'm dancing with tries to kiss me, and I just push him back, later encountering with Mr. Guy's eyes, seeing him smile at the fact I pushed the other guy off, and I'm a little pissed, but I decide I just want to dance a little more, and go back home, and think of all the good things rather than focus on stupid Mr. Guy.
We drive back, and I go to sleep at Tiny's house, and when we're going downstairs to her house I ask her, kind of jokingly not expecting anything "hey did you notice that Big Guy was looking at me", and she says "I'm not the only one that has. Even Tony has noticed it". You might not realize how much this means coming from Tony, but I find him to be the most honest guy I know, so him saying this means that he actually noticed something. I then ask her "what do you mean by 'even Tony has..?'", and she says "when Tony and I were sitting for a while, talking, he said 'is there anything going on between Big Guy and Roni?', and I said 'no why?', and Tony said he's seen you guys exchanging looks the entire night", and I was shocked, and weirdly really happy.
I mean, it might mean nothing about me and Big Guy, because I don't know if it was a once in a life time kind of look, and I think that if he had really really wanted me he would have made a move then and there, but then again, after all the bad self esteem, and all the sadness I've been feeling because of Mr. Guy, I just think that boost of confidence is more than enough.
Yesterday, in a completely different situation, Mr. Guy offered me a ride, and I thought about it, and I thought this will only get me back to thinking about him, and I really shouldn't go back there, so I just refused it gently.
I hope this was mildly an interesting update. Love you all, XOXO Roni J.

Carry On

Hello girls!
I had a rough couple of days. I.. Just thought I was over Mr. Guy again, but, again, I wasn't at all, and going on a trip with him, planning to get everything off my chest and confessing... Didn't go all too well.
We were on a two day trip, our group of friends, and we were camping out, and somehow it came to the point where Mr. Guy and I sat by ourselves talking and having a good time, and I was laughing and having fun, and I thought I'll just blurt it out. I thought better now than never, better late than never. I'll just jump in. I said to him "can we be serious for a moment, though?", and he said "sure, what's up?", and I was like "well"......
And then my friend, and we'll name her Goldy Locks for the sake of this post, sat down by our side, oblivious to the fact that I was about to talk to him about my feelings.. And I thank her every freaking second of my living time since then, because I was about to expose myself to him. I was about to do something I'd never done before with any other guy in my past, but I stopped myself thanks to her sitting down, and the moment she sat down next to us, he lost every focus, and looked at her like a hungry beast that's looking for some good Goldy Locks meat. I realized that moment something that should have been clear to me the moment my best guy friend told me Mr. Guy thinks she's the prettiest out of our group of friends. It should have been clear the moment I saw him running around her in circles like a poor little carousel horse. But I didn't.
And then he diverted his attention onto her. Completely. No sign of our laughs or our talk were left. And he never even referred to my "let's be serious for a second" ever again during the trip. He completely forgot, and simply didn't care.
The next day we were on a long bus ride to a white water rafting site to finish up our trip with. And the stupid guys decided to play a game of "who's the biggest loser of us all". The game basically consists of any one of them who wants to jump up and tell and embarrassing fact about any one of the others. Turns out Mr. Guy... Turned out to be the biggest freaking loser the world has ever seen. Not only has he done so many freaking stupid mistakes, but he also has no real friends, and the ones he thinks are real are willing to embarrass him senselessly in front of everybody.
When talking to a guy friend about it he explained that Mr. Guy has done so many stupid things in his life, including hurting his friends and growing further and further away from them, and into his own shell, that they can't even call him their friend really. I'm saying he's done embarrassing things, as if it was dropping his pants in public or pulling his friends' pants in public, but no, I mean that by the point the bus ride was over he was either fighting back tears, or the urge to punch someone, and acting so passive aggressive to the point that it scared the shit out of me.
It might make you think that I should be happy about it. I mean his ego was beat down to a pulp, he was embarrassed in front of everyone, and he was proven to be the biggest loser on earth at the moment until proven otherwise meaning I didn't miss much by never hooking up with him, all of which are the perfect components for the sweet sweet revenge. But I am no big on vengeance.
It made me feel sorry for him, for being embarrassed, for having no true friends, for not being able to talk back at them the way they did at him. I just felt bad for not saying anything to them, for laughing at him, for not sticking up for him where he couldn't.
When I got home I just started weeping. I just felt rejected and bruised without even being rejected. Other than that I felt... I felt so bad about myself. I felt like... Even this loser, this flunkee, this freaking failure, even this piece of dog poo, even he doesn't like me. Even he who's worth... Close to freaking nothing, doesn't see a single thing in me, and the worst thing about it is.. I rate myself low enough, low enough to like him, and to let him hurt me the way he did, and shame me about myself, and to let him put me down, and not once, but time, and time, and time again. I let him make me jealous of my friends countless times, and wish I were someone else, and I genuinely, honestly believe that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this way. I know I deserve love, and I deserve to feel it.
Other than being down because of that, I was crammed with school work, had two finals in two days, and was editing and filming for the movie I am doing for film studies and cinema. I had the wind knocked out of me because I didn't sleep the night of the trip, because the boys were going around painting unibrows on people, and the two nights after, because I was cramming for the exams.
The one thing that was slightly positive about the whole weekend was that I had gotten to get closer to a new guy we'll name Neat Guy. Neat Guy is the sweetest boy ever. He is a year younger than I am unfortunately, and slightly shorter, but nonetheless, he is a successful young man, who's personality is charming beyond words, and looks are fine beyond description. He is a sweet blonde with blue eyes, and his smile is... So genuine and true.
We got to talk the night of the trip right after the whole thing with Mr. Guy happened, or rather didn't happen at all. And then while white water rafting, I fell off the boat (alright, one of the guys pushed me off), and got tangled in underwater branches. The moment he saw this he immediately said "wait, Roni" to the guy that was on the same boat as him to stop, and helped me up onto the boat. Right when he did so, the other guy on the boat jumped off to push and pull some other people off boats, and Neat Guy said "seems like you've got yourself a romantic ride". I swear he's the SWEETEST thing.
Funny thing is right after my best friend said "do you think I could be with Neat Guy?", which means he's... Off limits.                    "If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.."
So I'm going to carry on. As I always have. I really don't have much choice but to continue on in my journey. I talked to my sister, and she told me that I can't keep feeling like a loser because of Mr. Guy, I can't just enjoy the fact that I keep bashing myself, and bashing my self esteem. I've got so much ahead of me with next year and all, and well, the rest of my life, so I will carry on. It would be nice to have a nice, fine young man join in on my trip as a partner, but I've walked 18 years of my life alone, and I am proud of where I am today, and who knows if I would have managed to do as well if I had a boyfriend. So I can't dread the past no more. I need to focus on making my future better, and my adult life just as amazing as my childhood was.
                                       "May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on..."
Hope you carry on in doing just the same, and that you never fear any bump on the road, because there will be plenty, but every time you pass one you get to look back, and say "Bitch! I own you!", and tap yourself on the shoulder proudly.
XOXO Roni J.